Tomorrow’s episode of Pop Culture Mysteries is brought to you by the American Organization Against Anti-American Tomfoolery! Join us today and help stop the spread of the dreaded red menace!
ANNOUNCER: Earl and Pearl. Two fine upstanding Americans. Earl works a hard day at the office but can always count on Pearl to have a nice juicy steak waiting for him as soon as he walks through the door. They pay their taxes, trim their hedges, pick up litter, and never forget to vote.
PEARL: More steak Earl?
EARL: Of course, Pearl! You’ve outdone yourself again, dear!
PEARL: Oh you!
ANNOUNCER: Hello Earl and Pearl.
(Earl folds his newspaper and looks up.)
EARL: Oh. Hello.
ANNOUNCER: Say Earl, who’s that old gent who just moved in next door to you?
EARL: Mr. Thompson? Oh, I haven’t much of a chance to get to know him yet. Introduced myself the other day. Seems like a fine fellow.
ANNOUNCER: “Seems” is a tricky word, Earl.
EARL: What do you mean?
ANNOUNCER: Well, Mr. Thompson might “seem” like a kindly old codger when in fact, he could very well be a low down dirty stinking red communist, reporting every thing he observes about the United States directly to Nikita Khrushchev as we speak!
PEARL: Oh Heavens to Betsy!
ANNOUNCER: Now, now. Calm your feminine emotions, Pearl. There’s no need to panic.
EARL: What do we do?
ANNOUNCER: What any good American citizen should do! Get in Mr. Thompson’s business and find out if he prefers the Stars and Stripes or the Hammer and Sickle!
PEARL: How do we do that?
ANNOUNCER: I was talking to Earl. Pearl, the men are talking now…
PEARL: I’m sorry. It’s my darn feminine emotions acting up again.
ANNOUNCER: Earl, go have yourself a real conversation with your neighbor. Better yet, invite him over for a nice dinner. Hear that, Pearl? You can finally be useful.
PEARL: And how!
EARL: Are there any warning signs I should look out for?
ANNOUNCER: Of course! The fine upstanding Americans at the American Organization Against Anti-American Tomfoolery have identified the following issues to consider:
1. BASEBALL – Can Mr. Thompson name the starting lineup of the Dodgers? Baseball is the American past-time you know. The dirty pinkos’ favorite pastime? Why, it’s a toss-up between baby strangling and puppy kicking.
2. CINEMA – Bring Hollywood into the conversation and any red blooded American male will surely mention Rita Hayworth. Keep your ears open in case Mr. Thompson mentions Olga of Olga’s Stewstravaganza, literally the only Soviet movie ever made. It’s all about a peasant woman’s quest to create the perfect stew.
3. CARS – Ford? Yes. Dodge? Yes. Chrysler? Yes. Mule? No.
4. MONEY – Sing that perennial favorite, “How Much is that Doggy in the Window?” Does Mr. Thompson reply “I do hope that doggy’s for sale!” or “The doggy belongs to everyone and is to be shared equally, comrade!”
5. THE PIE TEST – Nothing is more American than apple pie. Set a piece in front of a commie and he’ll shrink away from it and hiss like a vampire!
EARL: That sure is a lot to think about.
ANNOUNCER: It sure is, Earl. It sure is. Remember – ONLY YOU CAN PRESERVE LADY LIBERTY FROM THE RED MENACE!
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Copyright Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015. All Rights Reserved.
1950’s couple image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.