Tag Archives: commercials

Toilet Gator is So Much Fun

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

I’m having a good time writing Toilet Gator.  For a couple reasons:

  1.  It’s basically me telling stupid jokes – jokes set around the structure of an investigation into a series of toilet murders.  Toilet Gator murders, that is.
  2. All rational thought and logic goes out the window.  No need to think, “Is someone able to do that?”  No.  It’s a zany comedy.  Sure, a toilet gator can get up through a toilet.  No need to worry about how that would be impossible.  Sure, news broadcasters can say “titties” on air a bunch of times.  No rules, for humor rules the day, and if it is funny, then it goes in.

In conclusion, check out this commercial I made through Fiverr for this illustrious project.  Be sure to watch till the end.

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What Are Your Favorite Super Bowl Commercials?

Hey 3.5 readers.

VGRF here again.  What are you favorite super bowl commercials, either from tonight or from the past?

The one I remember the most from last year is Mountain Dew’s “Puppy, Monkey, Baby” though only because it was very weird.

Anyway, let me know and also BQB, enjoy watching the Super Bowl with Leo and the Yeti.

Hmm.  “Leo and the Yeti.”  Sounds like a good 1970s buddy cop drama.

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Happy Valentine’s Day 3.5 Readers

If you have someone, enjoy the day.

If you’re single, you can go to Dairy Queen and ask for a Free Singles Blizzard.  (Article in Fortune Magazine.)

I mean, if you’re not so prideful that you feel like going up to a teenage minimum wage slave and asking for a free ice cream treat to help dull the crippling pain of your seemingly endless loneliness isn’t beneath you and all.

I’m sure this promotion wasn’t created by a beautiful person or anything.

ATTRACTIVE AD EXEC 1 – Let’s give free ice cream to the lonely people on Valentine’s Day!

ATTRACTIVE AD EXEC 2 – Great idea! Ugly people love ice cream and they love deals that require them to admit that they’re single on the most romantic day of the year in order to stuff free food in their face holes!

If you’re in love, celebrate right.

If not, better luck next year and remember, you’re always loved as a member of BQB’s 3.5 readers club.  Why do you need a soulmate when you’ve got free ice cream and an independently published blog to read?  Seriously.  Stop being selfish.

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Planting a PuppyMonkeyBaby Earworm

Muah ha ha!  You’ll be singing Puppy Monkey Baby forever now!

I mentioned on Twitter that I can’t stop singing puppy monkey baby.

Mountain Dew’s response?

Umm…guys I think you automatically assumed that me not being able to get the puppy monkey baby song out of my head is a good thing.

Great, first you get me addicted to caffeine, now I’m hooked on mutant hybrid commercial song.

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Squatty Potty Pooping Unicorn Commercial

Oh My God. Oh My God. Oh My God.

Please drop what you are doing and watch this commercial for the Squatty Potty.

The argument is that humans, like cavemen, weren’t meant to poop in toilets but meant to squat wherever they are outside to poop.  Squatting opens your uh, well, you know…opens it up more so the poop comes out better.

A unicorn pooping rainbow sherbet explains the concept without you know, showing disgusting poop.

I don’t know.  This is commercial is hilarious.  Hysterical.  I can’t stop laughing.

By the way, has anyone out there ever used one? Does it work?  I kinda want one now.

P.S. reports are going around that this one hilarious video increased the Squatty Potty company’s sales by 600 percent.  I know I’ve heard ads for it on Howard Stern but in my head I always envisioned it as some like rigged up contraption I’d have to get into just to poop.  This commercial illustrates that its just basically a little stool (to help you make stool) and tucks away neatly when you’re done.



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Pop Culture Mysteries: And Now a Word from Our Sponsor (Milton’s Reserve Brand Cigarettes)

This episode of Pop Culture Mysteries is brought to you by the fine folks at Milton’s Reserve Brand Cigarettes.  Mmm Mmm Milton’s!  Now that’s a good smoke!

Hello.  I’m Dr. Gus Goetleib.  I come from a long line of doctors.

Dr. Goetleib for Milton's Reserve Brand Cigarettes

Dr. Goetleib for Milton’s Reserve Brand Cigarettes

My parents and grandparents were all in the medical field and I assume one day my children and grandchildren will be as well.

My patients always ask me, “Doc, how can I give my lungs a good workout?”

You know what I tell them?

(Dr. Goetleib sparks a cigarette and puffs away)

Milton’s Reserve Brand Cigarettes.

Why, Milton’s Reserve Cigarettes are hand rolled from the finest tobacco leaves.

They’re chock full of essential tar and chemicals and lucky for you, the flavor isn’t dulled down by those infernal filters the women folk insist on.

As a doctor, I can tell you nothing is more important than the need for your lungs to get exercise.

Smoking causes your lungs to perform their own brand of calisthenics, training them to be healthy and strong.

I won’t smoke anything but Milton’s Reserve and whenever I see one of my patients gasping for breathe, I light one up for them and tell them to give their lungs a good, hearty workout.

Perhaps you’ve heard someone say something foolish like, “Smoking is bad for you.”

Let’s be honest.  That “someone” was a communist, a hippie, a homosexual or God help us, a commie homosexual hippie, wasn’t he?

Who are you going to trust?  Some unwashed rabble rouser or me, a respected doctor who’s worked his own lungs out with this fine product (COUGH COUGH COUGH) excuse me…

Why waist one more second listening to  some bra burning draft dodger who probably wants you to plant a smooch smack dab in the middle of Stalin’s pimply rump?

Take it from me, Dr. Goetleib.  For a healthy set of lungs, work out with Milton’s Reserve.

Attorney Donnelly feels the need to mention this is just meant as a parody of 1950’s advertising and that smoking is bad for you.  Don’t do it.  If you do, don’t blame BQB.  He has enough problems.

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Pop Culture Mysteries: And Now a Word From Our Sponsor (Beware the Red Menace)

Tomorrow’s episode of Pop Culture Mysteries is brought to you by the American Organization Against Anti-American Tomfoolery!  Join us today and help stop the spread of the dreaded red menace!

ANNOUNCER:  Earl and Pearl.  Two fine upstanding Americans.  Earl works a hard day at the office but can always count on Pearl to have a nice juicy steak waiting for him as soon as he walks through the door.  They pay their taxes, trim their hedges, pick up litter, and never forget to vote.

PEARL:  More steak Earl?shutterstock_266650730

EARL:  Of course, Pearl!  You’ve outdone yourself again, dear!

PEARL:  Oh you!

ANNOUNCER:  Hello Earl and Pearl.

(Earl folds his newspaper and looks up.)

EARL:  Oh.  Hello.

ANNOUNCER:  Say Earl, who’s that old gent who just moved in next door to you?

EARL:  Mr. Thompson?  Oh, I haven’t much of a chance to get to know him yet.  Introduced myself the other day.  Seems like a fine fellow.

ANNOUNCER:  “Seems” is a tricky word, Earl.

EARL:  What do you mean?

ANNOUNCER:  Well, Mr. Thompson might “seem” like a kindly old codger when in fact, he could very well be a low down dirty stinking red communist, reporting every thing he observes about the United States directly to Nikita Khrushchev as we speak!

PEARL:  Oh Heavens to Betsy!

ANNOUNCER:  Now, now.  Calm your feminine emotions, Pearl.  There’s no need to panic.

EARL:  What do we do?

ANNOUNCER:  What any good American citizen should do!  Get in Mr. Thompson’s business and find out if he prefers the Stars and Stripes or the Hammer and Sickle!

PEARL:  How do we do that?

ANNOUNCER:  I was talking to Earl.  Pearl, the men are talking now…

PEARL:  I’m sorry.  It’s my darn feminine emotions acting up again.

ANNOUNCER:  Earl, go have yourself a real conversation with your neighbor.  Better yet, invite him over for a nice dinner.  Hear that, Pearl?  You can finally be useful.

PEARL:  And how!

EARL:  Are there any warning signs I should look out for?

ANNOUNCER:  Of course!  The fine upstanding Americans at the American Organization Against Anti-American Tomfoolery have identified the following issues to consider:

1.  BASEBALL – Can Mr. Thompson name the starting lineup of the Dodgers?  Baseball is the American past-time you know.  The dirty pinkos’ favorite pastime?  Why, it’s a toss-up between baby strangling and puppy kicking.

2.  CINEMA – Bring Hollywood into the conversation and any red blooded American male will surely mention Rita Hayworth.  Keep your ears open in case Mr. Thompson mentions Olga of Olga’s Stewstravaganza, literally the only Soviet movie ever made.  It’s all about a peasant woman’s quest to create the perfect stew.

3.  CARS – Ford?  Yes.  Dodge?  Yes.  Chrysler?  Yes. Mule?  No.

4.  MONEY – Sing that perennial favorite, “How Much is that Doggy in the Window?”  Does Mr. Thompson reply “I do hope that doggy’s for sale!” or “The doggy belongs to everyone and is to be shared equally, comrade!”

5.  THE PIE TEST – Nothing is more American than apple pie.  Set a piece in front of a commie and he’ll shrink away from it and hiss like a vampire!

EARL:  That sure is a lot to think about.


Have a question about pop culture?  Put Hatcher on the case!  Tweet your inquiries to @bookshelfbattle #popculturemysteries or leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com

Copyright Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.  All Rights Reserved.

1950’s couple image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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And Now a Word from Our Sponsor (Drying Paint Media)

BQB and the Meaning of Life is brought to you by the good folks at Drying Paint Media

BQB and the Meaning of Life is brought to you by the good folks at Drying Paint Media

Paint.  It covers your walls.

It’s a no-brainer.

Or is it?

You look through swatches, you make determinations between “Almond White,” “Snow White,” and “Arctic White.”

You look at the paint when you pop open the can and you look at it while you’re brushing it all over your walls.

But if you’re like most people, you usually just grab a pizza and watch TV while the stuff is drying.

You have no idea what you’re missing.

The time between application and dryness is the most crucial time period in the entire painting process.  Before you can come to a realization as to what color best fits your unique wall, you’d best take a gander at one of our paint drying videos.

Unconvinced?  Just ask one of our satisfied customers:

CUSTOMER #1:  Hello.  I’m Ted from Wisconsin.  I do my best to keep the missus happy.  Happy wife, happy life you know?  So after three days in the hardware store trying to figure out the difference between “Forest Green” and “Emerald Green” my wife finally decided to force me to watch twenty-five hours of footage of various shades of green drying on walls.  After all that, she just decided to go with wallpaper.  Thanks Paint Drying Media.  Thanks a lot. Our divorce attorneys thank you too, you friggin’ a-holes.

Wasn’t that last bit supposed to be edited out?  Oh well, moving on.

Here, at Drying Paint Media, our technicians are hard at work producing and maintaining over 1 million hours of paint drying footage.  We slap it on the wall, we video it while it dries, and we offer the footage as streamable media through our site.

Still not convinced?  What say you, Customer #2?

Customer #2:  Oh thanks, Drying Paint Media.  Thanks a lot.  I used to look forward to crashing on the couch with my wife at the end of the day to watch a movie or one of my favorite shows.  I haven’t watched Game of Thrones all season because my wife just sits me down and makes me stare at your damn paint drying videos.  Everyone at the office talks about what the Khaleesi just did while all I can talk about is what’s the difference between “Charcoal Grey” and “Pencil Grey.”  May you all rot in the bowels of hell, you sons of $%$#”

Woops!  Looks like someone’s asleep at the switch in our editing department.  That happens from time to time.  You can only watch so many drying paint videos without dozing off.

Our dedicated technicians give it their all to produce quality drying paint videos for your viewing pleasure.

Our dedicated technicians give it their all to produce quality drying paint videos for your viewing pleasure.

So, shut off Netflix, folks.  Eighty-six movies on demand, say so long to Showtime, and give HBO the heave-ho.  Pop the pocorn and gather the family around the television tonight to take in all of the fabulous drying paint footage that Drying Paint Media has to offer!

SPOILER ALERT: the paint dries at the end.

Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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And Now a Word from Our Sponsor…Beige Corp!


HOUSEWIFE HARRIET:  I want to wear a dress with a color that’s not too showy.

DR. PETE FOGELTREE, DENTIST: I want to paint my office a color that will soothe my patients and help them relax.

MURRAY SCHMETZ:  I need a pair of pants in a color that says, “Hey, I’m trying!” but “Whoa, not too hard!'”




(HARRIET, PETE AND MURRAY look dumbfounded)

ANNOUNCER:  Beige Corp!  The world’s foremost supplier of beige products and accessories!

MURRAY:  Tell us more!

ANNOUNCER:  Wear white after Labor Day and you’ll get a visit from the fashion police!  Black and you’ll

Operators are standing by at the Beige Corp Call Center.  Order your beige products and accessories today!

Operators are standing by at the Beige Corp Call Center. Order your beige products and accessories today!

be considered a gothic weirdo!  But beige?  Why, it’s the most non-threatening of all the drab colors!

Murray:  Golly!  People won’t think I’m trying to make some kind of statement if I wear beige will I?

ANNOUNCER:  Absolutely not!  Beige says nothing about you as a person at all!

MURRAY:  Thank God.  I’m tired of trying to act like I have a personality.

ANNOUNCER:  Beige clothing!  Beige accessories!  Beige appliances!  Beige cars, houses, pencils, pens, refrigerators, couches, computers, airplanes, hockey pucks and hats!  We won’t stop until the entire world is beige!

HARRIET:  Thanks Beige Corp.  Now I can cover myself up in public and not get accused of being a show off.

ANNOUNCER:  As if you have anything to show off anyway!  Call us with your orders now.  Our diligent and highly productive employees are standing by.

Beige Corp…a proud sponsor of Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life!

Beige and sleepy call center lady images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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