Tag Archives: horror

Oct 01 2015
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#31ZombieAuthors

#31ZombieAuthors – The Full Schedule

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Want to know what day your favorite zombie author is stopping by the Bookshelf Battle Blog?

See the info below.  3.5 readers, these writers were kind enough to help me out, so please help them out as much as you can.

Check out their books.  If you enjoy them, leave a review.  Reviews on Amazon send authors higher up the charts, so you can help them out.  Tell your friends about them through your favorite time wasting social media site.

DETAILED SCHEDULES

If you want a short synopsis of who the authors are and what they’re going to talk about:

Oct. 1 – 10 Interviews

Oct. 11-20 Interviews

Lineup for Oct. 21-31 is coming.

THE QUICK SCHEDULE

If you just want the author’s name and date of appearance, see below.  Clicking on the author’s name will bring you to their Amazon page.

DAY IN OCTOBER

1 – Sarah Lyons Fleming

2 – Jamie Johnesee 

3 – Stevie Kopas

4 – Ann Christy 

5 – Perrin Briar

6 – S.G. Lee

7 – Gillian Zane

8 – Joseph “Zombie” Zuko

9 – Devan Sagliani

10 – Armand Rosamillia 

11 – Rachel Aukes

12 – Joe McKinney

13 – Michael Cairns

14 – Kate L. Mary 

15 – Peter Meredith

16 – Saul Tanpepper

17 – Jeremy Laszlo

18 – Deirdre Gould

19 – Eric A. Shelman 

20 – Rachel Higginson

21 – Al K. Line

22 – Ryan Casey

23 – Peter Cawdron

24 – W.J. Lundy 

25 – Luke Duffy 

26 – Rhiannon Frater

27 – Jake Bible 

28 – A. Giacomi

29 – Rick Chesler AND David Sakmyster

30 – J.M. Wilde

31 –  David W. Wright of the Self Publishing Podcast

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Oct 01 2015
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#31ZombieAuthors

#31ZombieAuthors – An Introduction

By:  Bookshelf Q. Battler, Blogger-in-Chief

“They’re coming to get you, 3.5 readers.”

Zombies.

They’re ugly.  They’re stupid.  They shout “Grr!” and “Argh!” and the only thing they ever think about is the next human they’re going to dine on.

You’d think these one trick ponies’ fifteen minutes of fame would’ve dried up by now, but forty-seven years since George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead introduced zombies into mainstream pop culture in 1968, the fan base for these vile beasts has grown stronger than ever.

TELEVISION

AMC is in full-swing, not only with The Walking Dead but an additional spinoff series, Fear the Walking Dead. Both programs follow groups of human zompoc survivors who have given up their hopes and dreams, their only focus now being how to keep themselves from becoming zombie chow.

MOVIES

You’ll find zombies at the box office, and not just the ones trying to eat your brains while you’re trying to eat your popcorn. Brad Pitt, Hollywood’s top leading man, believed zombies were bankable enough that he starred in World War Z, a screen adaptation of Max Brooks’ novel about a world overrun with vile, coldblooded fiends.

No, not lawyers.  Zombies.

Even Arnold Schwarzenegger got in on the zombie action this summer with Maggie, the story of a father who wants to save his daughter who has turned into a zombie.  No, not as in the typical “spends too much time on the phone and social media” kind of teenage zombie but a “I want to bite your face off” zombie.

VIDEO GAMES

Resident Evil, Left 4 Dead and Dead Rising put players in situations where they have to use their ingenuity and the tools around them to survive.

Personally, I think the original Dead Rising, which put players in a zombie infested mall and asked them to escape with all the products and tools in a large shopping center at their disposal was as ingenious as it was fun and scary.

BOOKS

Here’s where #31ZombieAuthors come in.

It all began as a fun idea.  I’d write a story in which I, Bookshelf Q. Battler, am trapped in the midst of a zombie apocalypse, and have to contact one author per day for help.

Seemed like a cool way to promote the blog around Halloween time.

Initially, I thought that I’d contact a few authors, they’d all tell me no, then I’d give up and move on to something else.

Instead, I was blown away by how many professional, established writers were willing to donate their time to this project.

CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:

  • I contacted these folks cold.  I introduced myself just as I am – Bookshelf Q. Battler, World Renowned Poindexter and Blogger-in-Chief of the Bookshelf Battle Blog.
  • I didn’t offer my so-called “real name.”  And no one asked for it.  Not a one of them was like, “Well, I’ll do it if I know who you really are.”  I don’t know why anyone would ask me that anyway.  I really am Bookshelf Q. Battler.
  • In a way, that made me happy, that all these fine scribes were willing to trust me, a guy they don’t know, who claims to own a magic bookshelf and be the best friend of an alien.  I like to think that means I must be doing something right around here since these fine individuals deemed me worthy of their precious time.
  • I offered them nothing.  I was upfront with the fact that my blog caters to a modest audience of 3.5 readers, so it wasn’t like they could expect a surge in book sales.  They all just cared enough to want to help an aspiring writer out. Honestly, I’m probably getting more out of this than they will.  That fact alone makes them all pretty cool people.

THE MOST AMAZING PART OF ALL OF THIS?

Thirty-one (actually thirty-three as I’ll be interviewing two writing duos) came together on very short notice and helped me put together a massive undertaking within about a month.

If ever you doubt there’s a generous online community for writers, think about that.

THE AUTHORS

They all come from different backgrounds and walks of life.  Our interviewees include a cop, soldiers, full time mothers, preppers, podcasters and yes, there might even be a nerd or two.  They’re from America, England, Australia, and Canada.  All different ages.

All united by a common love of undead creatures that want to munch on your brains.

More importantly, they’ve all brought their own unique experiences, style, and voice to the zombie genre.  A cop fighting his way through a zombie apocalypse.  Soldiers on a mission when zombies suddenly attack out of nowhere.  An average, nondescript office worker suddenly faces a threat the likes of which he’s never faced before in his humdrum life.

People who become zombies via the Internet.  (Insert joke here.)  Zombie-fied literary classics that will make your snooty college English professor pop a monocle.  Zombies in the past.  Zombies in the future.  There’s even a couple of zombies who defy their nature to the point where you might not mind being pals with them.

IN SHORT….

If you love zombies, this is the place to be in October.

SO HOW DOES THIS ALL WORK?

Visit bookshelfbattle.com everyday for:

  • The latest post from Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal.  That’s right.  Zombies are going to attack East Randomtown and I will update you, the 3.5 readers, every step of the way as my friends and I search for safety.
  • The Zombie Author Interview of the Day – At great personal risk, I will take a break from my survival efforts once a day to “call” and interview an author of zombie fiction.  I’m not trying to make myself out as some kind of hero, 3.5 readers, but just remember what I’m putting myself through here for your entertainment when it comes Leibster Award time.  Do you think that old lady blogging about her buttermilk biscuits on the blog next door is going to fight zombies and interview zombie authors for you?  I think not.

MORE ZOMBIE MADNESS

  • Every Sunday, Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian will perform his act live from the East Randomtown Chuckle Barn. He’ll review the past week’s interviews and tell you who’s stopping by the blog in the week ahead.  This funny zombie will leave you in stitches, and that’s not a pun.
  • Zombie Trump will review the upcoming episodes of The Walking Dead.  Quote Zombie Trump, “This is going to be huuuuuge!  I’m going to bring that loser nerd Bookshelf Q. Battler the highest jump in ratings his pathetic excuse for a blog has ever seen!”

POST YOUR QUESTIONS!

Zombie lovers, do you know anyone else who’s lined up thirty-one zombie authors?  No.

So take advantage of this and:

ON TWITTER – Tweet your questions to @bookshelfbattle.

ON FACEBOOK – Ask your questions on www.facebook.com/bookshelfqbattler

ON WATTPAD – Pose your inquiries to @bookshelfbattle and follow along as I will be posting excerpts from Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal over there a few days after doing so here.  You’ll still have to come here for the author interviews though.

On Google Plus – ask your questions here.

NOTE:  As you can imagine, Halloween season is the busiest time of year for a zombie author, so I don’t want to guarantee that they’ll be able to answer your questions about zombies, but in the event they can’t, I will!

PROMOTE!

If you’re having fun, please tell your friends!  The more zombie fans the merrier.  Let’s rock this blog’s stats to the point where I have to retire the 3.5 readers joke.

AND FINALLY, THANK YOU

I couldn’t have done this without you, 3.5.  A blogger needs an audience and I couldn’t have put this together without being sure that at least 3.5 of you would show up.

Please pat yourselves on all 3.5 of your backs.

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#31ZombieAuthors starts now!

Attorney Donnelly notes that the Bookshelf Battle Blog disclaims any and all liability for anyone who is eaten by and/or turned into a zombie.  You step into a zombie apocalypse, you take your chances.

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Oct 01 2015
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#31ZombieAuthors

Kicking Things Off – A Twitter Interview with Brian Keene

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Throughout the past month, as I did my research and spoke to zombie enthusiasts, one name came up over and over again:

Brian Keene.

In 2003, Keene published The Rising.  One of the best-selling zombie novels of all time, it follows Jim Thurmond, a father who must fight his way through a zombie apocalypse to find his young son.  Martin, a preacher who’s trying to hold onto his faith and Frankie, a struggling heroin addict, round out the band of survivors.

This book is credited with bringing about a zombie renaissance.  Sure, George Romero brought zombies to pop culture in 1968 with Night of the Living Dead, but when 2000 came around, zombies were deader than themselves.

Thus, Keene (along with Robert Kirkman’s The Walking Dead comic and Danny Boyle’s 28 Days Later film) is credited with bringing the zombie genre back to life and starting an undead craze that so far, shows no signs of letting up.

In search of an interview, I tweeted Keene.  As you might imagine, one of the forefathers of the zombie movement is mighty busy this time of year, but he graciously to answer three tweeted questions.

So without further ado:

Q+A #1

BQB: You never know, 3.5 readers.  That idea floating around in your head might just start the new craze.  And luckily, I’m going to be interviewing thirty-one authors who are covering new ground in the zombie game.

Q+A #2

BQB:  Well, I was hoping he’d be honest and pull no punches, and he delivered.  It doesn’t happen overnight, folks.  Success by 2035!  I can’t wait.  Better than no success at all.  Let’s try to see the glass as half full here, people.

Q+A #3

BQB: Makes sense.  In a zombie apocalypse, your potential friend pool consists of the undead who want to eat you and the living who want to kill you so they can eat your food.  Oh well.  As long as I have my 3.5 readers, I’ll never be lonely.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I’d like to thank Brian for taking the time to answer my questions.  He certainly didn’t have to but that he made time for me shows that he truly cares about his readers.

As for my 3.5 readers, I hope you’ll check out Brian’s website and his Amazon Author Page.  Don’t forget to pick up a copy of The Rising.  It’s a must read for any zombie fanatic.

If there’s a school of zombie fiction, then Brian’s the dean, and what an honor it is for the dean to stop by and get this zombie apocalypse started.

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Sep 29 2015
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#31ZombieAuthors

#31ZombieAuthors – The Lineup – October 11-20

It’s a cornucopia of zombie fiction all stars here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog in October.

Here’s who will take BQB’s space phone call Oct 11-20.

Links will take you to authors’ Amazon pages.

DAY 11 – Rachel Aukes 

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Rachel has introduced a new generation of literary nerds to a classic by zombie-fying Dante’s Inferno (as well as Alighieri’s other works) in her Deadland Saga.  Coincidentally, I end up feeling like I’m stuck in hell when I’m trapped in a small room with Blandie, my perpetually angry ex-girlfriend amidst the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse.  Luckily, this USA Today bestselling author will offer me some words of wisdom.

DAY 12 – Joe McKinney

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The man.  The myth.  The legend.  One of the biggest names in the zombie fiction game will humble this book nerd with an interview October 12.  Joe got in on the ground floor of the mid-2000’s zombie renaissance with Dead City, the first book in his highly popular Dead World series, and has been going on stronger than a zombie who just caught a brain whiff ever since.  (Watch out, Joe, those dudes behind you look a tad peckish.)

Joe’s a longtime Texas police officer, a dad, and yet somehow amidst these important commitments, he managed to win the Horror Writer Association’s Bram Stoker Award.  Meanwhile, one time I tried to write a novel, got distracted, and ended up watching a Steven Seagal action movie marathon instead.

Needless to say, I bet Joe will be able to dispense a pep talk that will inspire me to get my act together.

DAY 13 – Michael Cairns

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This year, Michael’s a man on a mission.  The Thirteen Roses author began 2015 with a challenge to publish 15 books (including works he’s written previously.)  He’s been keeping a daily video log of his progress and will talk to yours truly about how its going.  Also, we’ll trade follicle stimulation tips.  However, note that I’m not asking for me but for a friend.

DAY 14 – Kate L. Mary 

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A busy mother of four and U.S. Air Force wife, Kate will tell my 3.5 readers all about her Broken World books. Her claim that she prefers “nerds over hunks” intrigues me, causing me to grill her over this claim extensively.  Here’s hoping this interview is the victory over hunks that nerds have long waited for.

DAY 15 – Peter Meredith

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As my 3.5 readers are aware, I was once so wrapped up in finding the meaning of life, that I actually went on an epic adventure to find it.  Thus, I can relate to Peter Meredith, who worked in real estate, as an emergency room nurse, and finally as a lighting company CEO before embracing his true passion, writing.  The Apocalypse Crusade author will advise us on finding the calling that brings joy to your life.

DAY 16 – Saul Tanpepper

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Zombies. Video games.  Sure, we all love hits like Resident Evil and Dead Rising, but Saul “upped his game” by combing zombies and video games in his Gameland series, in which players actually control the undead and a group of hackers get trapped in the middle of the mayhem.  Seen above in Peanuts form, Saul will also give me the 411 on how to improve my book blog.

Yeah, I know 3.5 readers, I should probably start by reviewing a book once in awhile.

DAY 17 – Jeremy Laszlo

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Jeremy Lazlo once attempted the traditional publishing approach, but when a publishing industry intern accidentally hit the “reply all” button and Jeremy received a snarky email in which said intern was joking about how he’d just batch rejected 600 authors, the fruitful self-publishing career of the Left Alive author was born.  This marine will give me the lowdown on how to balance writing with everything else that happens in life (motivation that I sorely need) and will answer that age old question – Orcs vs. zombies?  Who wins?

DAY 18 – Deirdre Gould 

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 Most zombie apocalypse stories feature characters in a never ending battle for survival.  Deirdre, on the other hand, asks us to consider what would happen After the Cure.  In her series, a cure for a zombie-fying virus has been found.  The Infected have returned back to humans again, but now have to live with the grim realization of what they’ve done.

Personally, I feel bad when I eat too many peanut M and M’s so I have to assume I’d be pretty down in the dumps if I were to ever eat a human.

DAY 19 – Eric A. Shelman

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We’re all aspiring writers around here, aren’t we, 3.5 readers?  Thus, we can learn a lot from Eric Shelman.

In 1999, after co-authoring and publishing a non-fiction book about Mary Ellen Wilson, the first case of a child rescued from abuse in in 1874, Eric turned his attention toward fiction.  He wrote about a serial killer, then shelved it.  Then he wrote about witches, and shelved that attempt too.

In 2011, he was inspired by seeing a number of zombie fiction writers gain popularity on Facebook, so much so that he gave it another go and has been successfully publishing the Dead Hunger series ever since.

It’s never too late to try again, 3.5 readers.

Also, is it me or does he look like an awesome dude in that cowboy hat?  Kind of has a Raylynn Givens from Justified vibe going.

DAY 20 – Rachel Higginson

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I have a bad habit of being one of those “glass half empty kind of guys,” especially when it comes to love.  It’s hard enough to find that special someone in civilized times that I’m skeptical as to whether or not romance can bloom amidst zombie mayhem.  The author of Love and Decay will set me straight and explain how she’s applied a serialized television style format to her writing that has led to success.

It all starts Oct. 1, right here on bookshelfbattle.com!

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Sep 28 2015
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#31ZombieAuthors

And Now a Message From the East Randomtown Mall

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Come for the…well, we’re not sure what you’d come for, since there are only three stores still open. Thanks Internet.

Stay for the…oh, who we are kidding?

But we’re pleased to announce that this Thursday, Oct. 1, Dr. Hugo Von Science will be demonstrating his latest invention, the Reality TV Star Transmogrifier, which he claims has the ability to change reality TV stars from useless wastes of space into productive members of society.

Test subjects include that hot chick who put out a sex tape with an NFL player, Jenna Simone of Just Jenna, the Streibcheck brothers of Toilet Catastrophes, and the crew of Stereotypical Italian New Jerseyians.

Dr. Hugo asked us to announce that his device has been fully tested and absolutely no one will be turned into zombies.  Hmm.  That’s kind of a weird announcement but what do we know?  He’s the doctor.

So come on down.  This show is totally free, but please, buy something, will you?

#31Zombie Authors begins Oct. 1!  Sarah Lyons Fleming of the Until the World End Series will kick things off by teaching BQB how to pack the perfect bug out bag, perfect to keep by your door in case you need to flee a zombie attack in a jiffy!

Check out the Oct. 1-10 lineup here.

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Sep 27 2015
3 Comments
#31ZombieAuthors

#31Zombie Authors – The Lineup – Oct 1 – 10

By: Bookshelf Q. Battler, Blogger-in-Chief shutterstock_173570747 copy

It’s almost here, 3.5 readers!  It’s almost here!

Starting October 1, I’ll be interviewing one author of zombie fiction per day for 31 days.

And these won’t be your typical interviews.

A zombie apocalypse is going to hit East Randomtown (my home town) on October 1 (convenient, I know) and at great risk to myself, I will take a break every day from the undead carnage to call up a different author using Alien Jones’ space phone.

From Oct. 1 to 10, here are the scribes that will be coming to the aid of your humble blog host:

Links will bring you to the authors’ Amazon pages:

DAY 1 – Sarah Lyons Fleming

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The author of the Until End of the World series is going to help me pack the perfect bug-out bag.  For you non-preppers out there, that’s a bag to keep by your door to grab in case of a zombie attack that requires you to abandon your home at a moment’s notice.

DAY 2 – Jaime Johnesee

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Most zombies are dirty brain chomping scumbags but believe it or not, there are a few good natured zombies that don’t mean any harm.  The  creator of the lovable goofball protagonist of Bob the Zombie helps me see the lighter side of the undead.

DAY 3 – Stevie Kopas 

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“The End of the World is Not Glamorous.”  So goes the tagline of Stevie Kopas’ The Breadwinner Trilogy.  Sometimes we nerds, what with our post-apocalyptic survival fantasies and all, tend to forget just how good we have it when it comes to food, running water, electricity, Internet and so on. Don’t worry as this scribe’s characters are surely reminded.

DAY 4 – Ann Christy

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Retired Naval Officer Ann Christy’s Between Life and Death series features Emily, an eighteen year old who expected her life was going to be all about dating and college only to find herself smashing heads with her favorite sledgehammer.  It just goes to show that a zombie apocalypse sure can toss a monkey wrench into the plains you laid out for your life but fear not, 3.5 readers, for Ann will help me sort things out.

DAY 5 – Perrin Briar

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What do you get when you cross the classic tale of Swiss Family Robinson with zombies?  Why, Swiss Family RobinZOM of course.  I become so intrigued by this reimagining of one of my favorite books that I get Perrin on the line to dish, not just about this tale but his other zombie-fied works such as Z-Minus and Blood Memory as well. 

DAY 6 – S.G. Lee

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The author of the Journal of the Undead series dips into his bag of tricks to help your friendly neighborhood book nerd last another day against the undead hordes.  His books even have their own official action figure developed by Mark Neto of Markneto’s Mightiest Mego Super Customs.

I thought about hiring Mark to create a Bookshelf Q. Battler action figure, but an action figure of a guy who collects action figures seems way too meta.

DAY 7 – Gillian Zane

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One might think that the erotica and zompoc genres don’t jive, but Gillian explains how danger is an aphrodisiac in her NOLA Zombie novels, where survivors are either killing uglies or bumping them (that is to say each others’ and not the zombies.)   Sorry, but you have to clarify everything nowadays.

Also, Gillian is going to school me on how to become an alpha male… so all you women better get your asses over to this blog and check it out!

(Of course, I mean only if you want to, ladies.  You know, if you’re not busy and it’s not too much trouble.  I’m so sorry for being rude.  Please accept my apology.)

Poor Gillian.  She’s really got her work cut out for her with a world renowned poindexter like me.

DAY 8 – Joseph “Zombie” Zuko

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Joseph Zuko is such a bonafide expert on all things undead that “Zombie” is literally his middle name.  OK, so I haven’t checked his birth certificate, but its still pretty impressive.  Joe, seen above peddling his book, The Infected, door to door, will give me an ed-u-ma-cation on everything from anti-zombie weaponry, post-apocalyptic fitness skills, and even some sweet ass Krav Maga moves.  Zombies won’t know what hit them once good ole’ Zombie Zuko gets through training me.

DAY 9 – Devan Sagliani

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I sit this one out to give Video Game Rack Fighter a chance to hone her interviewing chops.  The screenwriter of HVZ: Humans vs. Zombies, based on the popular live action role playing game, talks about his novels like Zombie Attack! as well as how his love of Los Angeles allowed him to bring the City of Angels alive in great detail in LA Undead.

DAY 10 – Armand Rosamilia

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You know 3.5 readers, if a fight ever breaks out between a horde of zombies and Armand Rosamilia, my money is on Armand.  I don’t think the zombies would even bother to try anything.  Like Chuck Norris, the only thing Armand would have to do is just shake his head in a disapproving manner and the zombies would get all panicked and run in the opposite direction.

Personally, I don’t even think Chuck Norris would stand a chance.

Armand’s well-versed in horror fiction and will check in to talk about his Dying Days series.  He’s even written about Cthulhu, which I give him props for, as the legendary squid faced beast is vastly underrepresented in today’s fiction.

Armand is seen above holding a cuddly pink version of Cthulhu, only because you’d probably freak the hell out if you were to ever lay eyes upon the real legendary monster.

There’s more to come, 3.5 readers!  #31ZombieAuthors October 1 all the way through Halloween right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog!

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Sep 25 2015
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#31ZombieAuthors

#31ZombieAuthors Begins October 1!

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I’ve been working harder than a zombie chasing after a truck load of brains this past month.  It’s gone by so fast and I can’t believe thirty one people all came together so quickly to help me out.

This is going to be great.

So I don’t have much for you today as I’m still working on this project.

Whatever promotional support you can provide would be awesome.  Please feel free to blog about this or share the news on your favorite social media/time wasting website.

Don’t forget, you can find me here, on bookshelfbattle.com

On Twitter – @bookshelfbattle

On Google +

On Facebook – Please drop by my Facebook page!  I’ve been putting more of an effort lately into building it up.  My fanbase there is sort of non-existent at the moment.

On Wattpad – Note I will be sharing BQB’s Survivor’s Journal on Wattpad (though entries will appear here on the blog first) but you will have to read the blog for the interviews.

What a fabulous online community of writers we have that so many people were willing to help a nerd in need.

Mark your calendars.  Tell your friends.  Pop your pop corn and hold onto your brains.

October is going to be one fun month.

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Sep 24 2015
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Count Krakovich - Asshat Vampire

How to Defeat a Vampire – Anti-Glamour Tactics

By:  Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampireshutterstock_115841497 copy

Bleh!  Look into my eyes, 3.5 readers!

You are getting sleepy.  Very sleepy.  You want to do my bidding.  You want to be my obedient slave.

You want to give me your Netflix password.

Seriously, give me your Netflix password.  Vampires like House of Cards too.

Bleh!  Why are you laughing?  No wonder the Vampire League ousted me.  I can’t even glamour the 3.5 devotees of a substandard book blog.

But rest assured, other vampires are better at the ancient art of vampire hypnosis, better known as “glamouring” and if you’re not careful, you will become a vampire’s puppet.

Here are some tips to avoid being glamoured.

#1 – BE UGLY 

Look, let’s face it.  If you’re a vampire with glamouring powers, you’re going to go after the hotties.  I know.  It’s politically incorrect.  The bloodsucking damned should go after the less attractive as well but vampires aren’t called evil for nothing.

If you’re hot, chances are, a vampire is going to try to glamour you.

Meanwhile, the uglier you are, the statistical probability of succumbing to a vampire’s will declines dramatically.

So if you look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings, rejoice!  Your chances of becoming a vampire slave are about .0001 %.

“But Count Krakovich,” you say.  “I’m not ugly.  I’m relatively adorable.  How can I deflect a vampire’s hypnotic eyes?”

#2 – WEAR SHADES

Aviators.  Ray-Bans.  They don’t even have to be shades.  X-Ray specs will also do.

But what if a vampire catches you when you don’t have your sunglasses?

#3 – BE FUNNY

Glamouring takes intense mental concentration.  So if you feel yourself being glamoured, tell a joke immediately.  If you don’t know a joke, make a fart noise.  Forget rules of etiquette and decorum.  A vampire is trying to make you his bitch!  Fart away!

#4 – WATCH WHERE YOU GO

Like any debauched individual, vampires love to cruise the club scene.  If you’re hanging out at places where depravity goes down, i.e. establishments with names like The Flesh Factory or The Butt Barn or Bill Cosby’s Trailer, then the odds of running into a glamour happy vampire are high.

Also, drunkenness makes it that much easier for a vampire to work his twisted mojo on you.  Switch to O’Doul’s.  You’ll be a dud at the party, but you won’t be a vamp snack either.

#5 – TURN YOUR BACK

If you’re hot, and not funny, and refuse to make fart noises, and can’t keep yourself out of dirty clubs, then the only recourse you have left is to walk backwards for the rest of your life and never face anyone ever again.  Put a set of Groucho glasses on the back of your head and attempt to convince everyone your back is your front.  It will be a difficult life for sure, but you never know who might be a vampire, so you’ll have to treat everyone as a potential bloodsucker (which, let’s face it, in today’s day and age, is just sound advice anyway.)

Thank you, 3.5 readers.  Take the knowledge I’ve given you and go forth!  Defeat those lousy vampires who dared to disparage the good name of Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire!

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Sep 23 2015
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Count Krakovich - Asshat Vampire

How to Defeat a Vampire – Religion

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampireshutterstock_115775161 copy

Bleh!  Greetings 3.5 children of the night!

I’m back again to extract my revenge on the League of Vampires for forcing me out of their organization just because I made like thirty disastrous mistakes.

Vampires?  Bunch of Douche-pires if you ask me.

So to get back at those losers I’m educating you, the 3.5 readers, on how to defeat vampires.

Today’s lesson?  Religion.

Now, you’re all aware that a crucifix can stop a vampire in its tracks.  A cross held to our skin long enough will burn us, but we usually just hiss loudly and run in the opposite direction whenever we see one, not giving the cross holder the chance to harm us in the first place.

That’s because we vampires are considered abominations in the eyes of God.  Bodies are meant for the living and for the dead to be using one really pisses the Man Upstairs off.

Vampires.  Zombies.  Used car salesmen.  All despised by the Creator.

“But Count Krakovich,” you say.  “I don’t usually wear a crucifix.  I’m not a priest or a stereotypical Italian bookie in a track suit.  Can I still use religion to defeat a vampire?”

Answer:  yes.

First of all, if you’re not a Christian, any other religious symbol will do.  That’s something we vampires like to keep on the down low.

So if you’re a member of the tribe, whip out your Star of David and a vampire will hiss louder than a defective muffler.

Muslim?  Show that vampire a crescent moon.

Scientologist?  Show that bloodsucker the picture of Tom Cruise you keep in your wallet.  Don’t lie.  You know you have one.

Jehovah’s Witness?  Smack that vampire in the face with a rolled up copy of The Watchtower.  Finally, you can do something useful with that magazine other than shoving it into the exhausted hand of that poor bastard you woke up at six a.m. and now he’s standing at his front door in his bathrobe, nodding politely, waiting for your sermon to end so he can deposit your offering into his circular file.

Atheist?  Hmm.  Tricky one.  But belief is belief and as long as your belief in nothing is strong, you should be able to deflect a vampire attack simply by saying, “Have a Nice Day.”

If you believe in nice days, that is.

“But Count Krakovich, I have none of these things!”

That’s ok.  Any of the following will do:

  • Any photo of a Holy Man, from the Pope to Al Sharpton.
  • A bible.  You heathen.  You know have ONE in your house.  Your Grandmother gave you one for your birthday when you were a kid and has been asking you for years if you’ve read it yet and you keep coming up with reasons why you haven’t.  Stop hiding weed in it and read the damn thing.  You’ll learn some choice phrases to use to ward off evil, especially vampires.  Crap if you don’t have one, swipe the free one from the hotel left by the Gideons.
  • Wait.  I’m told stealing a bible cancels its power out.  Don’t steal one.  You will actually have to invest a few bucks to buy one.  It will be worth it when it keeps you from becoming a vampire sorbet.
  • Voo doo is a type of religion, though typically looked at as a form of dark magic.  Treat yourself to a delicious bucket of KFC then save the bones to throw at a vampire in a pinch.  FYI – you will have to become a fully fledged voo doo priest first.
  • Showing the following DVDs to a vampire will cause it to die, not due to the effects of religion, but just from sheer boredom:  Sister Act, Sister Act 2, or Fireproof, that pile of crap put out by Kirk Cameron long after Growing Pains ended and he became a male church lady.
  • The Ten Commandments, either the new one with Christian Bale, or the classic one with Charlton Heston, will hold a vampire back long enough for you to make a run for it.  Absent a copy of either film, you can still channel your best 1930’s gangster impression and shout, “Where’s your messiah now?” a la Edward G. Robinson in the original.  Doing so has no specific power over the vampire per se, but it will make him laugh long enough for you to skeedaddle.
  • Singing the following songs will render a vampire’s powers useless: Amazing Grace, Onward Christian Soliders, and Jesus Walks by Kanye West.  In fact, just hold up your copy of the Yeezus album.  Few are aware that Kanye is the second coming, which is odd, because he informs everyone every chance he gets.

Take my advice and you can’t go wrong against those jerk face vampires, 3.5.  So gather as many religious accouterments as you can get your hands on and take out those vamps for me, your new pal, Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire.

Attorney Donnelly reminds readers to please not steal those hotel bibles.  The last thing BQB needs is a lawsuit from the Gideons shoved up his butt.

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Sep 21 2015
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Count Krakovich

Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

By: Count Krakovich, Special Vampire Correspondent

Count Krakovich, A-Hole Vampire

Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

Bleh!  Bleh!  Excuse me!  I have a bad taste in my mouth.  Must be that Diet Shasta Blood.

Good evening, 3.5 children of the night!

I am Count Krakovich and I am…a VAMPIRE!

Why, you might ask, would I reveal myself on a pitiful blog that only caters to 3.5 readers?

Well, recently, I was kicked out of the League of Vampires.  Something about leaving the back door of the castle open so the villagers could come in and burn my brethren alive.

Vampires are such crybabies.

Actually, that wasn’t my first foul up.  The High Vampire said it was the proverbial “straw that broke the camel’s back.”

My other alleged screw-ups (which I do not confirm or deny) include:

  • Hiring a cleaning crew to take down the drapes and wash them…at noon on the sunniest day of the year.  What?  You find a crew that’s willing to drive out to a spooky castle at night and then you can give me that look.
  • I may, and I stress, MAY have lost a bus load of sacrificial virgins.  I replaced them with a bus full of sorority sisters on spring break hoping the High Vampire would not notice, but notice he did.  In my defense, you try to find a virgin these days.
  • Say one prayer in the vicinity of a bucket of water, the Second-in-Command vampire uses it for a bath and gets burned to a crisp.  Who knew that’s all it takes to create holy water?  It’s not like I was praying for anything extraordinary.  I was just asking God to let my favorite sports team win because I know he takes an interest in these things.
  • The vampires put me in charge of vampire pizza night.  I come back with what I assume is a meat lover’s pizza only to discover too late that it’s the garlic lover’s special.  Yes, I suppose I should have checked first before I left the pizza parlor but how am I to blame for Transylvania House of Pizza’s gross incompetence?
  • I was charged with redecorating the Vampire Castle.  I smashed all the old furniture, put all the sticks into a big dumpster and hired a crew of local villagers to haul it away.  Low and behold, they used the sticks as stakes and took out half the Vampire League.  OK.  Should I have seen that coming?  Yes.  But hindsight is 20/20.  Now I know not to hand villagers a pile of stakes.  I won’t do that next time.  You live and you learn.  You think the High Vampire sees it that way?  Ha.  That guy has a stick up his ass.  That’s not a joke.  A villager put it there and now the High Vampire refuses to forgive me.

So anyway, twenty or thirty pooch screws later and here I am, no longer affiliated with any reputable vampire organization.  No one will have me and I blame the League.  What pathetic loser faces they are, that they’d force me out after all I did for them.

Fear not, 3.5, for I, Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire, will get my revenge by using this blog  for the next week to inform the world how to kill vampires.

Feel free to use my lessons on those a-holes in the Vampire League, especially that douchebag High Vampire.

Just don’t use these ideas on me, because hey, we’re cool, right?

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