Bookshelf Battle

So an elderly patriot, his elderly friend with a metal arm, a guy who can fly, a rich guy in a metal suit, his war hero friend in a metal suit, a prince in a cat suit, a witch with mind control powers, a British living robot, a kid who was bitten by a radioactive spider, a Russian assassin, a dude who’s handy with a bow and arrow, and a man who can make himself the size of an ant walk into a bar…

…AND THEN THEY FIGHT!

BQB here with a review of the long awaited Captain America: Civil War.

Don’t go to war over the SPOILERS that you’ll be reading if you scroll down any further.

Can’t we all just get along?

Apparently not.  It’s been a rough year for superhero friendships.

Why, back in March Batman and Superman played their own game of Rock’em Sock’em robots and the more I think about it, the more I realize what a stinker of a turd that flick was.

Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor. What the shit, man? What the shit indeed.

Luckily, unlike DC and Warner Brothers, the fine folks at Marvel and Disney refused to serve us up a stinky turdburger.

I don’t want to spoil too much of the plot, but suffice to say all of those buildings the Avengers inadvertently smashed up during their battles with various aliens, robots, and/or assorted evil buttholes have finally caught up with them.

The general public has had it with all the collateral damage and they demand that “Earth’s Mightiest Heroes” submit to UN oversight.

Iron Man is for it. The Avengers have too much power and the public will only trust them if they’re being watched.  Perhaps it is their power that is causing evildoers to challenge them in the first place.

Captain America is against it. Collateral damage will happen during war, no matter who they answer to.  Blame the bad guys who start the wars, not those who are trying to stop them. He fears submission to a political body will allow politics to intervene in the Avengers’ missions and ultimately, the plan is little more than an exercise in assigning blame when things go wrong.

In the middle of it all, a mysterious enemy frames Cap’s best pal Bucky “the Winter Soldier” Barnes, and it turns into a slug fest between the man in the red metal suit and the man in the star spangled pajamas.

Old favorites like Spiderman, Ant Man, Scarlett Witch, War Machine, the Vision, Falcon etc. come into play.

Newly introduced to the screen are Crossbones and Black Panther, each with their own modus operandi.

Alas, Thor and the Incredible Hulk sit this one out. Boo.

Perhaps when the film has been out longer, I’ll opine more on this next subject but for now, if you’re a deep thinker like yours truly, you might start to wonder if the whole film isn’t one being allegory to the plight the U.S. has faced over terrorism since 9/11.

In other words, half the country is like Iron Man. Let’s take a step back and try to play nice with everyone.

Half the country is like Captain America. F them they blew us up. If they get mad at us for blowing them up then they should have thought of that before they blew us up and collateral damage is the fault of the people who blew us up.

Both arguments have their pros and cons.  Sadly, just like Cap and Iron Man, Americans used to be a bit friendlier to one another prior to the turn of the millennium.

Now you don’t have to look much further than your Facebook feed during an election year to see people who should be buddies trading the verbal equivalent of Iron Man’s hand blasters and Captain America’s frisbee shield throws at one another.

Let’s try to get along people because we’re all we have, after all.

And besides, isn’t all this infighting what the aliens, or the robots or the bad guys in funny costumes (or in real life, the terrorists) wanted all along?

Am I thinking too much? Don’t worry. The movie doesn’t require you to think that much if you don’t want to. You can just sit back and watch all the pretty colors and scary explosions if you prefer.

There are times when there are so many characters on screen that it is hard to pay attention to what’s going on with everyone. There’s the rub with these multiple hero plots. Sometimes everyone gets so much time there isn’t enough for everyone on an individual level.

Even so, Marvel/Disney crafted an intricate, satisfying plot with a multitude of heroes whereas DC/Warner Brothers only had to deal with three heroes (Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman) and in the end, delivered us a big juicy crap sandwich.

Damn it. Batman vs. Superman really sucked, didn’t it?

Spiderman’s addition to the team is adorable.  Black Panther shines as the latest hero.

And I’m not sure how they did it, perhaps with a combo of makeup and CGI, but there are scenes with a young Tony Stark that bring us a Robert Downey Jr. who looks a lot like he did in his Saturday Night Live days.

Not to keep dumping on Batman vs. Superman (because to dump on a dump would be redundant) but Marvel/DC took their time, built up all the characters, developed their back stories, made us care about them, and this movie is a pay off for anyone who’s invested their time in the franchise.

DC’s challenge was that there have already been so many Batman and Superman movies to begin with. Fine, but there still could have been a better plot leading up to the Man of Steel’s battle royale with the Dark Knight.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.