Ahh, clowns. The children’s entertainers of yesteryear. Who knows when it became fashionable for adults to put on red wigs and paint their faces white in an effort to make children laugh? All we know is that it usual makes children cry.
Ladies, do you think it might be possible that you are dating a clown?
From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Clown:
#10 – He acts like a clown.
Note that I’m not referring to “clown” as a synonym for “jerk” or “idiot.” So, yeah, if he forgets your birthday, you can call him a clown. However, that doesn’t mean he’s going to be entertaining anyone at the circus anytime soon.
#9 – Paints His Face White Everyday
This is a definite warning sign that he might be a clown, but then again he might also be an 18th Century French Aristocrat and forgot to tell you. Ask him whether or not it is advisable to tell poor people to eat cake. If his answer is “no,” then it’s highly probable that your boyfriend is a clown.
#8 – Has a Tiny Car
No, I’m not talking about a Honda Civic or a Toyota Corolla. I’m talking about a little tiny, wind-up toy car that somehow he not only fits himself into, but also twenty of his closest friends. Also, all of those friends look like clowns.
#7 – Has Red Hair
True, clowns have been known to wear red wigs. However, you don’t want to start an international incident with Ireland by running around, accusing every redhead you see of clownery.
#6 – Makes Balloon Animals
If he can make any balloon animal that’s more complicated than a snake (which is simply, a long balloon), then that’s a dead giveaway your boyfriend went to clown college. Balloon animal making is a very serious discipline, achieved only through six weeks of study at a small office in a seedy, rundown strip mall.
#5 – Has Big Floppy Shoes
He could be a clown but think back. Has he ever tried to sell you to desperate perverts? In that case, he’s probably not a clown. In fact, he’s probably a pimp. Clowns and pimps shop at the same oversized novelty shoe store. Everyone knows this.
#4 – Has a Red Nose
Maybe he’s a clown. Maybe he’s a heavy drinker. Hard to say.
#3 – Wears Loud, Crazy Colors and Patterns
See #5 vis a vis the possibility that he might either be a clown or a pimp. Clowns and pimps also shop at the same clothing stores.
#2 – Rides a Tiny Tricycle
It’s entirely possible that this might mean your boyfriend is a clown but then again, have you seen the gas prices these days? I’m surprised everyone isn’t riding around on a tiny tricycle!
#1 – He Threw a Pie in Your Face
A pie in your face is usually the first unequivocal warning sign a woman gets in order to wake her up to the new reality that her boyfriend is a clown. However, keep in mind that a) your boyfriend might just be very clumsy and didn’t throw the pie at your face on purpose or b) he did throw the pie at your face on purpose, but not because he’s a clown but because he wants to break up with you. In case of option b, thank your boyfriend for, in these confusing times where couples rarely communicate well with each other, your boyfriend has chosen to end things with a pie in your face. Nothing says, “it’s over” like a mug full of custard.
HONORABLE MENTION: Sings, “doo dee doo dee doo dee doo doo doo doo” during intimate moments. He could be a clown or he could just be very excited.