By: Alien Jones, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Intergalactic Correspondent
Greetings Earth losers.
Alien Jones here, only don’t tell anyone I’m here, for I’m deep undercover in the back quarter of Troobalax, posing as a knockoff brassiere purchaser in the hopes of apprehending an intergalactic female undergarment forgery ring. I must say, of all the wild goose chases the Mighty Potentate has sent me on, this one takes the cake. I may have finally found a gig that comes with less respect than babysitting Bookshelf Q. Battler in his ridiculously long quest to publish a novel.
By the way, do you know that there are some alien species that have up to five hundred breasts? That’s a lot of underwire.
Today’s question comes from one of BQB’s 3.5 readers, a Mr. Carlton Stumperfish of East Kramperblatt, South Dakota:
Dear Alien Jones,
How do aliens have sex? Please explain in painstaking, excruciating detail and provide multiple examples if possible. I swear I am only asking for scientific purposes and I’m not pumping a bottle of Jergen’s into my hand as we speak.
One of BQB’s 3.5 Readers
Lies! I can see into your bedroom with my high-powered x-ray telescope and you’re reaching for the motion lotion as we speak. You sir, are not only a pervert but also a liar.
Close your eyes. You don’t deserve to read this information. The rest of you 2.5 readers may gladly read on in the name of sexual science.
A loaded question if there ever was one. First, does my species have sex? No. My beings and I are clones who have evolved past the need for sexual organs. Thus, without the need to constantly find something or someone to hump, we have had plenty of time to pursue a wide variety of subjects, thus making my home planet the most important planet in the universe when it comes to scientific achievement, cultural achievement and so on.
As for other species? Yes. Yes they do it. And how. A sampling of the most interesting sexual practices I’ve encountered in my many years:
- Porthons – Large, beastly, buffalo-like creatures who charge at each other at a rate of over two hundred miles per hour. When they collide, the cause a sonic boom that knocks the glass out of every building within a fifty mile radius. Alas, Porthon isn’t a very developed planet when it comes to real estate. However, the residents don’t seem to care as they are too busy making sonic booms.
- Zenfenians – These beings are so fast that they can literally be doing it right in front of your eyes and you wouldn’t even know…because they are so fast.
- The Gukfar – the Gukfar are proud beings, totally reliant on thousands of years of tradition. The mating ritual begins when the female performs, “The Dance of the Ample Egg Pouch,” followed by thirteen and a half weeks of shouting, “Nonny, nonny, boo boo!” The male then goes on a vision quest for seven years and only returns when he has found a musical instrument played by a tribal elder. He then uses it to slay no less than ninety-seven lizards. He roasts their flesh, then drinks a tea that puts him in a deep trance. The woman’s father then seeks the permission of the tribal council to allow his daughter and her suitor to bump uglies. Permission is only granted if the father can guess the number the council is thinking of. He must win the best two out of three. Finally, when the stars are aligned, the female may put her egg sack on display. The male then dumps a heavy layer of Tabasco sauce on it and well, you can imagine what happens next.
- Zebatars – They can have sex with their minds. Beware, if a Zebatar is looking at you funny, he may be having his way with you. Then again, he could just have bad gas.
All in all, there are 12,034,234,653,827,029,469,235,555,888,999,235,701.5 known sexes in the universe. Kind of makes you humans with your paltry two types of private parts seem like slouches, doesn’t it?
Obviously, that’s too many types of genitals to discuss here, but needless to say, never offer to shake an alien’s hand. Sure you might be shaking a hand or you might be shaking, well…you know.
Now if you’ll excuse me, 3.5 readers, these bra criminals aren’t going to bust themselves. Punny.
Alien Jones is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s intergalactic correspondent, graciously lending the power of his brain to answer your questions.
Ask the Alien a question and he may very well plug your book or blog in his answer. Ask questions in the comments or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle
Together, we can promote self-published material and ween the masses off reality television, a form of entertainment that Alien Jones’ boss, the maniacal alien despot known as “The Mighty Potentate” despises so much that he’s plotting an invasion of Earth just to stop it.