#276 – Never cross a ninja on an empty stomach.
#277 – I’m not highly opinionated, it’s just that what I think is accurate and what others think is idiotic.
#278 – Speedos are all the rage on the beaches of Monte Carlo.
#279 – My business associates at the important meeting were surprised to see my underwear in my briefcase, but if it’s called a “briefcase” then I can’t think of a better place to put my soiled undies.
#280 – Chalk can be used to make a lot of marks on a chalk board, but no matter how hard you try to erase your words, a little bit of them will always remain.
#281 – I’ve always wanted to try jerk chicken but I’ve never had a desire to get that intimate with poultry.
#282 – Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, except for other people who can be categorized according to my socioeconomic profile.
#283 – Clouds of dust make me wheeze.
#284 – Ugly people are the best lovers. They appreciate it more.
#285 – Cacti and porcupines are fun to have around until they become big pricks.
#286 – Crabs will never make good guests, whether on the beach or in the pants.
#287 – “Die Hard” will always be my favorite Christmas movie.
#288 – Geniuses are often maligned in life, only to be pined for in death.
#289 – Never get involved in a caper.
#290 – Has anyone ever actually cried a river? What do you think made that person so sad in the first place?
#291 – Do caught fish feel like they’re being abducted by aliens when they are pulled out of water? “I was eating a worm for lunch and next thing I know, I’m being pulled towards the light…”
#292 – My next car is going to be one of those bridge layer trucks used by the army to create bridges whenever they need one. That way, whenever I drive to a canyon, I can just create my own bridge.
#293 – If you throw the object of your affection into the trash can by mistake, it’s not truly gone until it’s carted off to the dump.
#294 – Explosions in buildings = bad. Explosions in my pants = a good time.
#295 – Tuesday is one day after Monday but also one day before Wednesday.
#296 – One time I ate a sandwich on the B-train. That’s right. I ate Subway on the subway.
#297 – You’ve heard of hard drives? I’ve invented the world’s first soft drive. It starts out the same as a hard drive, but then it is forced to watch Bea Arthur’s long lost sex tape on a continuous loop for three hours.
#298 – I could go for a good can of Diet Shasta Orange right about now.
#299 – If I had a nickel for every time someone gave me a nickel, I’d have very few nickels, because it’s not like there are many people running around, handing out free nickels these days.
#300 – I want to get one of those strings that people tie to the back of their glasses. That way, I would never lose my glasses.
