Tag Archives: thoughts

Great Musings of the Twenty First Century – #301 – 325

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#301 – An item lost in dried cement can eventually be chiseled out, but it’s easier to pull it out before the cement hardens.

#302 – Boll weevils are neither bolls nor weevils.  Discuss.

#303 – I hope there’s not a cougar in my cupboard.

#304 – It saddens me that in all the time I spent trying to make a go of it in Hollywood, not a single executive made a pass at me.  It would have been unwelcomed, but still, it’s common courtesy.

#305 – I can never be sure if there’s a monster hiding under my bed unless I keep looking under my bed at all times.

#306 – The beautiful will never understand the plight of the ugly.

#307 – I’m not saying that Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were gay lovers.  It’s just that I can’t prove they weren’t.

#308 – Always pinch your produce before you buy it.

#309 – I’ve figured out a magnificent way to avoid sleeping outside when I travel: I stay in a hotel.

#310 – Elvis Presley’s greatest invention was the fried peanut butter and banana sandwich.  I prefer chunky peanut butter in mine.

#311 – Gray hair is a sign of experience…and also the loss of follicular pigmentation.

#312 – I’ll support raising the wage of fast food drive-thru workers to $15 on the day they get my order right.

#313 – Hijinx will get you nowhere.

#314 – Bacteria is never something you want present on top of your potatoes au gratin.

#315 – Fart in a can today and smell it tomorrow.

#316 – Deja vu is a freaky experience and by the way, deja vu is a freaky experience.

#317 – Madame, I’ll have you know I’m in the CIA – the Clitoral Investigation Agency.  Our motto: “We’ll find it sooner or later.”

#318 – Sure, you think its adorable when dolphins make all those little squeaky sounds, but keep in mind that the squeaks translate into a trail of obscenities that would make the most boorish longshoreman blush.

#319 – I will go to my grave thinking this thought: anyone who rides a rollercoaster and enjoys it is a total asshole.

#320 – Sugar is the best way I know to sweeten my coffee.

#321 – Eagle sex is  simultaneously the most disgusting yet exceptionally patriotic act you’ll ever witness.

#322 – Glory is the best reason to do something.

#323 – Abraham Lincoln earned his spot on the penny.

#324 – Dish rags can clean a dish, but what cleans the dish rag?

#325 – Adventure: it’s what’s for breakfast.

 

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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century – #176-200

And now, Bookshelf Q. Battler, one of the greatest minds of the Twenty-First Century (but hey, the century is still young) will share his great musings…

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#176 – Ladies, if you’re tired of men hooting and hollering, whistling catcalls as you walk by and making uncouth comments about your beauty, I’ve got the perfect solution that’s guaranteed to make sure all men will leave you alone: turn 40.

#177 – Why is there a maple leaf on Canada’s flag?  Is that what we’re doing now?  We just find items that can be found in a country in put them on the flag?  Why isn’t America’s flag a keg of beer?

#178 – I’ve never cared for spinach, despite Popeye’s longstanding PR campaign.

#179 – Why do they call it “talk radio?”  My radio has never talked to me.

#180 – You can bake a cake, but you’ll need eggs, flour and other ingredients I don’t feel like mentioning at this time.

#181 – Greece is a country.  “Grease” is a play.

#182 – I’m cancelling my subscription to “Vogue.”

#183 – Nougat is the best of all candy fillings.  Frankly, they should just sell big bars of nougat, sans chocolate.  It’s good on its own.

#184 – “Sassafras” is a fun word to say.

#185 – Did dinosaur farts cause earthquakes?

#186 – You just can’t find a good submarine sandwich anymore.

#187 – Who makes these plastic packages that store bought items are placed in?  I swear, the last time I bought a men’s shaving razor, it was like breaking into Fort Knox just to get the package open.

#188 – Well, there goes the cultural zeitgeist.

#189 – Germans spent the first half of the last century trying to conquer the world in the name of white superiority and the last half of the last century dancing to disco music while wearing leather pants.  Jesus, pick a lane already.

#190 – When it comes to bovine sex, I’m against it…but to be clear, I’m against human on cow intercourse, whereas it comes to cows having sex with each other, I’m fine with it, as long as the cow and the bull are both consenting bovine adults.

#191 – I could fight this feeling some more, but I don’t want to.

#192 – I hope no one ever slips me a Mickey.

#193 – Why do I sweep my floor?  It’ll just get dirty again.

#194 – The best time to take out a loan is when you need to buy something and you can’t afford to pay for the price of whatever that something is up front in cash.

#195 – Basketball players like to dunk their balls in baskets.  I like to dunk my chocolate chip cookies in milk.

#196 – Brushing your teeth after every meal is a good habit to get into.

#197 – Of all the things to rub on your taint, poison ivy is the worst.

#198 – Is duck sauce made by squeezing juice out of ducks?

#199 – The good thing about riding a train is it is hard to get lost.

#200 – I can never remember where I left my shoes.

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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century – #151 – 175

And now, Bookshelf Q. Battler, one of the greatest minds of the Twenty-First Century (but hey, the century is still young) will share his great musings…

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#151 – A dollar doesn’t buy much anymore.

#152 – Alcatraz was a formidable prison.  Why’d they close it down?

#153 – Reece’s Pieces are like M and M’s, except the candy shell covers peanut butter instead of chocolate or a chocolate covered nut.

#154 – No one ever screams for ice cream anymore.

#155 – Ferret is an oft underutilized meat source.

#156 – English is a language that is easily understood by those who speak it well.

#157 – I’d rather not contract syphilis if I can avoid it.

#158 – Barbie has so many jobs.  Where does that bitch find the time?

#159 – Somewhere on another planet, there is a guy writing on a blog as poorly read as this one.

#160 – Television is fun to watch.

#161 – A hat is the best thing to wear when your head is cold.

#162 – See #161 but replace “hat” with “gloves” and “head” with “hands.”

#163 – I’ve never thought much about mitochondrial DNA.  The subject is over my head.

#164 – A stranger is just a person who may or may not lock you up in a secret room they have hidden between two walls in their creepy old house.

#165 – I use an alarm clock to wake up in the morning, but I’d prefer a soldier playing “Reveille” on a trumpet.

#166 – Whenever you want to smoke, you never have a lighter.  Isn’t that always the way?

#167 – Humans are shaved apes.  Apes are furry humans.

#168 – Whenever my house is dirty, I clean it.

#169 – Nobody says, “Talk to the hand” anymore.

#170 – Neon colors aren’t used enough.

#171 – I like to start my day with a big bowl of oatmeal with some raisins mixed in.

#172 – If I could travel through time, I’d go back to two seconds ago, and rewrite this musing.

#173 – All animals should be required to wear pants.

#174 – There goes Don Quixote, tilting at windmills again.

#175 – It must be hard to be crazy.

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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century – #126 – 150

And now, Bookshelf Q. Battler, one of the greatest minds of the Twenty-First Century (but hey, the century is still young) will share his great musings…

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#126 – Every office needs a good ficus tree.

#127 – British people call potato chips, “crisps.”  Thank God we freed ourselves from those clowns.

#128 – Florida is a nice place to go when you want to get warm.

#129 – Race cars go fast.

#130 – If you want to befriend a chimpanzee, keep a banana in your pocket.

#131 – Whenever you gamble, you might lose money.

#132 – Fried chicken tastes better boiled.

#133 – Karate is a good skill to learn.

#134 – Jogging is a good way to exercise.

#135 – Plague doctor masks are always fun to wear.

#136 – Water is wet.

#137 – Ugh.  How long are we going to have to pretend Amy Schumer is funny?

#138 – It’s always a good time to have a good time.

#139 – Bunnies eat their vegetables and it shows.  I’ve never seen a sick bunny.

#140 – Just when I think I’m woke, I’ve fallen asleep.

#141 – Macy’s is a good place to shop.

#142 – Jokes are the best when they are funny.

#143 – Crackers are good snacking.

#144 – Whenever I see that “Sun Setter Retractable Awning” commercial, for that company that can build an awning that retracts into your house, I wonder, “Who are these assholes buying this who don’t know how to pitch a tent?”

#145 – Whenever I have a can to open, I can never find a can opener.  Likewise, whenever I have a can opener, I never have a closed can.

#146 – Donkeys are funny small horses.

#147 – If you don’t scratch a sticker, can you still sniff it?

#148 – Tigers are bad pets.

#149 – Traveling is a good thing to do.

#150 – I don’t know what I don’t know.

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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century – #101-125

And now, Bookshelf Q. Battler, one of the greatest minds of the Twenty-First Century (but hey, the century is still young) will share his great musings…

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#101 – “Monorail” is redundant.  Everyone can tell there is just one rail.  They should call it, “Rail.”

#102 – Why do bats like to congregate in belfries?

#103 – I’ve never met anyone named “Stan.”

#104 – It’s a good idea to change the batteries in your TV remote control from time to time.

#105 – Toast tastes good with peanut butter spread on top of it.

#106 – Fill your ice cube tray with water today and you’ll have a bunch of ice cubes tomorrow.  Think about it.

#107 – Before sex, always ask your partner if he or she has AIDS.  Better yet, don’t take their word for it.  Ask around, see if any of your mutual acquaintances knows whether or not your would be sexual partner has AIDS.  You just can’t be too careful when it comes to avoiding AIDS.

#108 – Fire can destroy a building or toast a marshmallow.  It’s all about how you handle it.

#109 – Always carry a spare change of underwear.

#110 – Cat like shiny objects.

#111 – Never trust a witch.  She might put a spell on you.

#112 – Nuts are a good snack.

#113 – I don’t like most people.

#114 – Carson Daly is too much.  I’d prefer Carson Bi-yearly.

#115 – The road is the best place to drive a car.

#116 – I’ve been to Montana 11 times.

#117 – Celery has no taste.

#118 – If you don’t tell your cabbie where you want to go, he’ll just drive around and around forever.

#119 – If your lost wallet is found, was it ever truly lost?

#120 – What’s the most bizarre thing you’ve ever seen at a bazaar?

#121 – Frankenstein should go on a public relations campaign to inform people that it was his creator who was actually named “Frankenstein.’

#123 – How does Superman pee while he’s flying long distances?

#124 – Do goats play canasta?

#125 – You can bake all the dough you want, but without tomato sauce and cheese, it’ll just be bread.

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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century – #76-100

And now, Bookshelf Q. Battler, one of the greatest minds of the Twenty-First Century (but hey, the century is still young) will share his great musings…

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#76 – When my garbage bag is full, the best thing to do is to take it out to the curb.

#77 – It’s always a good idea to carry a roll of quarters in your pocket.  You never know when you might need to do some laundry or pay a toll.  Twenty years ago, I would have added that you might need to make a call from a pay phone, but they don’t have those anymore.

#78 – All those male Smurfs must have run a train on Smurfette.

#79 – Lifting weights can make you stronger.

#80 – “The Wolf” in “Pulp Fiction” didn’t provide much help at all.  Think about it.  He’s built up as this big fixer that can use his ingenuity to make the worst problems go away, but then all he does is show up and tell Vincent and Jules to clean up the car with household cleaning products.  Shit.  I’ve never shot a guy in my car but if I did, I would, as a novice, think of the fact that I should probably spray some Windex on the blood in the hopes that it will go way.

#81 – Nobody knows what it’s like to be a sad man…except other sad men.

#82 – Shorts keep your legs cool in the summer.

#83 – No one makes VHS tapes anymore.

#84 – Is it possible to suck and blow at the same time?

#85 – Were Groucho Marx and Richard Marx related?

#86 – Plants must be watered.

#87 – “Ransack” is an interesting word.

#88 – Bell and Biv were carrying Devoe.

#89 – It’s hard to eat many foods without a fork.

#90 – Do ghosts fuck?  How does that work?

#91 – The average person inhales 4,582 spiders a night.

#92 – Cars have four wheels for a reason.

#93 – What’s black and white and read all over?

#94 – Paris is lovely this time of year.

#95 – I once discovered the meaning of life, but I forgot it.

#96 – Low hanging fruit is the best kind of fruit.

#97 – I’ve never gone Commando, on the battlefield or in my pants.

#98 – Swans are just fancy ducks.

#99 – Waffles are delicious.

#100 – The big ball drops on New Year’s Eve, but my balls drop a little lower every Tuesday.

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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century – #25 – 50

And now, Bookshelf Q. Battler, one of the greatest minds of the Twenty-First Century (although hey, it’s still young) will share his great musings…

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#26 – If an after life does indeed exist, you can be assured to a mathematical certainty of one-hundred and fifty-eight percent that one of your deceased relatives has gazed down upon you from the heavens to check in on how you are doing only to be repulsed upon seeing you engaged in a full scale, no holds barred, down and dirty masturbation session.

#27 – Time is a construct and we need to construct more of it.  A lot more.

#28 – If I could do it all again, I’d be a farmer.

#29 – Genes decide if your butt looks good in jeans.  Jeans, on the other hand, decide nothing about your genes.  On an unrelated note, my Cousin Gene owes me thirty-seven dollars and a carton of menthols.

#30 – Did Samurais eat rye bread?

#31 – The first best way to get a free book is to go to your local library and get a library card.  The second best way to get a free book is to politely ask a friend who happens to be getting rid of a book if you can have the book.  The third best way to get a free book is to jam a Glock into a bookworm’s ribs and shout, “Give me your copy of Wuthering Heights right now or you’ll eat lead, motherfucker!”  For legal and/or moral purposes, I do not advise the latter.

#32 – The show, “Saturday Night Live” should be called, “One Half-Hour of Saturday Night and One Hour of Sunday Morning Live.”  I hate to be a stickler, but facts matter.

#33 – String is good for tying things up.

#34 – No one has any cash anymore.

#35 – Do Chinese people call their food, “food?”

#36 – I’ve tried and failed several weight loss programs over the years.  I’ve found the only regimen that works is to be locked in a cage like a werewolf on a full moon and to be zapped in the nut sack with a cattle prod whenever I ask for pizza.  For legal and moral purposes, I don’t advise this.

#37 – If your parents die at age 80 when you are age 50, will that make you an orphan?

#38 – Chips go good with dip.

#39 – I’ve never understood people who put ketchup AND mustard on one hot dog.  It’s an either/or decision, jackass.  Make a choice and live with the consequences.

#40 – The first caveman who saw a lobster and decided it looked delicious must have been a bonafide asshole.

#41 – Croutons are like speed bumps for salad.

#42 – Couples who want to have a baby should do so before age 35.  It’s a scientific fact that after age 36, the inside of a woman’s uterus bears a striking resemblance to the knight’s tomb in “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,” complete with spiders, cobwebs, bats and the bones of unlucky explorers from long gone ancient civilizations.

#43 – Polish makes objects shiny.

#44 – How does the guy who writes “YOU ARE HERE” on the giant, oversized maps at various public attractions always know where I am?  Stalk much?

#45 – I’m against gay marriage, not because I have anything against gay people, it’s just that I think they’ve been through enough already.

#46 – Am I the only one who goes to a baseball game and wonders why 50,000 people are watching a bunch of dummies throw a ball around?

#47 – You may laugh at the idea of bidets, but I’ve never met a Frenchman with hemorrhoids.

#48 – Nobody writes letters anymore.

#49 – Toaster ovens are the microwaves of yesteryear.

#50 – Winter is the best time of year to wear your heavy coat.  If you wait until August to put it on, it will be too hot.

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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century #1-25

And now, Bookshelf Q. Battler, one of the greatest minds of the Twenty-First Century (although hey, it’s still young) will share his great musings…

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#1 – Once a fart exits the butt, does it still exist?

#2 – Fur is like a coat for a dog, except it does not include a zipper or buttons and cannot be taken off.

#3 – I’m not sure why cereal is considered a breakfast treat.  I enjoy it at any time of the day or night.

#4 – Sometimes, when I see a hamster running around a wheel, I want tell the little guy to stop running, because the joke’s on him…but then the more I think about it, the joke’s probably on me.

#5 – We can put a man on the moon but we can’t devise a cure for crotch rot.

#6 – Rulers in America are always 12 inches long.

#7 – Couches are good for sitting.

#8 – Pressed for time?  Start a film at the last five minute mark and save yourself two hours.

#9 – Well, those bastards at the post office raised stamp prices again.

#10 – Soy sauce, like most sauces, can be put on any food, but the key to deciding whether or not you want soy sauce to be on your food is to a) imagine what the food tastes like b) imagine what the food would taste like with soy sauce on it and then c) decide whether or not that would taste good before proceeding with the squeezing of the soy sauce packet onto the piece of food in question.

#11 – I’ve never met a bagel that couldn’t be improved by cream cheese.

#12 – Coffee helps you wake up in the morning.

#13 – I’ve found that whenever I’m sick to the point of vomiting, it’s always good to stay take a sick day from work.  Otherwise, you might vomit on your co-workers and boy howdy, will that ever put a bee in their bonnets.

#14 – Bermuda is a better country to visit than North Korea.  If your travel agent gives you a choice between visiting Bermuda or North Korea, pick Bermuda.

#15 – When your feet are cold, it’s time to slip on your socks.

#16 – Space is enormous.  You can fit a lot in there.

#17 – When it comes to sticking your head in a velociraptor’s mouth, I’m against it.

#18 – Nazis are history’s dick cheeseburgers with extra turd sauce.

#19 – Music is a symphony for the ears.

#20 – Whenever I need a good laugh, I remember that Kirk Cameron’s best friend on “Growing Pains” was named “Boner.”

#21 – I visited Muncie, Indiana once.  It was OK.  There are worse places to be and there are better places to be.

#22 – Skunks are just smelly rats.

#23 – Why are pineapples called “pineapples?”  They don’t come from pine trees.  Some ancient tree scientist somewhere really screwed the pooch on that one.

#24 – One day, a dog and a cat will fall so madly in love that they will fornicate.  When that happens, an everlasting world peace will not be far behind.

#25 – It has been my experience that when an electrical appliance requires power in order to function, the best action to take is to take the plug attached to the aforementioned appliance and insert it into a wall socket.  Consult a fully bonded, licensed and insure electrician for more information.

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Who is the best philosopher ever?

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Hello 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

Who do you think is the greatest philosopher ever?

Is it Socrates? Plato? Aristotle?  Someone more modern?

Jot down your favorite philosopher in the comments and I’ll tell you who the best philosopher ever is sometime this weekend.

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