BQB here. I hate the Yeti for sharing this transcript.
ANNOUNCER: From the Learning Center Annex of East Randomtown to Hollywood, the Funky Hunks were on their way to a career in showbiz. They signed up with Reuben Torkilsen, whose other clients included “The Mysterious Lenny” aka “Mr. Guesses Your Card within Seven Tries or You Get a Coupon to the Sizzler” and Twinkles the Tap-dancing Poodle.
REUBEN: Boys, we need a third fellow to round out your group. The more hunks, the better!
BQB (whispers to Bernie): Um, can we bust on him for saying that?
BERNIE: I don’t know. I mean, we’re still in the 90’s but it’s almost 2000 so…
(CUT TO A GRAPHIC THAT READS “FUNKY HUNK AUDITIONS”)
ANNOUNCER: Reuben, BQB, and Bernie spent the next three days auditioning every aspiring rapper they could find.
REUBEN: What did you say your name was again, sonny boy?
ASPIRING RAPPER: Curtis. Curtis Jackson, Sir.
BQB: You’re going to need a rap name.
CURTIS: Well, my friends call me 50-Cent.
BERNIE: No offense, but that’s the worst rapper name I’ve ever heard.
BQB: What about “MC Rappy Rap” or “Doctor Rhymey?”
REUBEN: Boys! We’ll talk about names later! Let’s hear what Curtis has to lay down. Go ahead Curtis!
ANNOUNCER: There in Reuben’s office, Curtis Jackson laid down the lyrics from the song that would one day make his career:
PARTY IN DA CLUB
BY: 50-CENT
Go, go, go, go, go, go
Go shorty, it’s your birthday
We gonna party like it’s your birthday
We gonna sip Bacardi like it’s your birthday
And you know we don’t give a f#$k it’s not your birthdayParty in the club, bottle full of bub…
(BQB and Bernie look at each other, dumbfounded expressions on their face)
BQB: Dude, seriously?
CURTIS: What?
BERNIE: You’ve got a lady friend and you don’t care whether or not it’s her birthday?
CURTIS: We’re partyin’ like it’s her birthday.
BQB: But this woman is supposedly your friend and yet you clearly state “We do not give a f%$k it’s not your birthday.”
REUBEN: Now, hold on, boys. I think I see the picture here. The song is not so much about the woman’s birthday as it is an expression of the level at which Curtis and his friends are going to party. They’re going to party at a level which correlates to the amount of glee one would have if it were the birthday of a female friend.
BQB: I’m sorry. The song’s total crap. Sorry Curtis, I don’t think it’s going to work.
ANNOUNCER: Curtis Jackson aka “50-Cent” went on to dominate the rap game in the early 2000’s, “In Da Club” being blared over the loudspeakers of every sweat dance joint from LA to New York. Meanwhile, Read N. Plenty went on to become Bookshelf Q. Battler, the proprietor of a book blog with only 3.5 readers.
And Bernie? He sells oranges on the side of a freeway offramp.
BQB: I stand by our decision. Party in the club? Please. That song’s going to fizzle out any day now. By 2030 it will probably only get played on the radio like 20 times a day.
BERNIE: I don’t stand by our decision at all. I haven’t sold an orange in years! Come back to me, Curtis! I’ll sip all the Bacardi you want and I won’t give a f%$k about anyone’s birthday I swear!
TOMMORROW ON TRUE MUSIC STORIES: THE AUDITIONS FOR THE THIRD FUNKY HUNK CONTINUE!
“MUSIC” image courtesy of Flickr user raremusicvideo1 via a Creative Commons License
Bookshelf Battle 