Hello Bookshelf Q. Battler’s 3.5 readers.
Fit Nerd here. Used to be fat. Lost a ton of weight by watching all my favorite sci-fi shows while I was on the treadmill. Wrote a book about it. Now I’m a total big deal.
I’ve trained many of your favorite celebrities. I’ve molded them, shaped them, and turned them from piles of human shaped cottage cheese to finely chiseled works of art for your viewing pleasure. You’re welcome.
BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: Bookshelf Q. Battler here. He’s not the real Fit Nerd. The real Fit Nerd lives in Malibu. The man writing this column is a tiny version of Fit Nerd I produced by putting a copy of Fit Nerd’s book on my magic bookshelf. He’s not that bright and hasn’t bothered to ask why he’s only three inches tall yet so I’m just going with it. I’ll turn it back to him now.
Bookshelf Q. Battler recently provided me with my greatest challenge to date: take a ridiculously fat yeti and turn him into mean lean hairy machine.
Can I do it. Of course? I’m Fit Nerd.
BQB’S EDITORIAL NOTE: I don’t think he can do it. The Yeti is the most stubborn sack of crap I’ve ever encountered in my entire life. I just feel bad for introducing my furry nemesis to a Western diet based on stuffed crust pizza and bacon infused generic cola. Back to Fit Nerd.
I recently sat down with The Yeti to discuss his situation.
Q. The Yeti. BQB’s mentor, Dr. Hugo Von Science, has determined that you’re two hundred pounds overweight. You hit the scales at an even grand even though scientifically speaking, a yeti of your height should only be eight hundred pounds. What gives?
A. ROAR! BEGONE TINY NERD MAN!
Q. It’s affected your life, hasn’t it? BQB worries about you.
A. HE JUST WANTS ME AT MY FIGHTING WEIGHT SO HE CAN CHALLENGE ME TO ANOTHER BEST TWO OUT OF THREE ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO THE FACE COMPETITION!
Q. I doubt that.
BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: That’s a fair assessment. Back to Fit Nerd.
Q. The Yeti. I’m looking around the basement dungeon BQB has you locked up in. I see pizza boxes. Ice cream cartons. Chicken buckets. I’m fairly certain I saw you freebasing a pixy stick when I walked in.
A. ROAR! WHO IS TINY NERD MAN TO JUDGE ME?!
Q. I’m not here to judge you, The Yeti. I’m here to train you. I’m here to be your friend. So tell me, why are you doing this to yourself?
Q. No roar.
A. ROAR. I DON’T KNOW. IT’S LIKE FOOD IS THE YETI’S FRIEND…IT’S ALWAYS THERE FOR THE YETI!
Did you catch that, BQB’s 3.5 readers?
Let me repeat it for you.
“It’s like food is the Yeti’s friend. It’s always there for The Yeti.”
I know how that damn international war criminal snow monster feels. Before I became Fit Nerd, I was just Orville.
And it was like food was Orville’s friend. It was always there for Orville.
Delicious food. It really is always there, isn’t it? There it is, all yummy and waiting for you. Ready to comfort you whenever you want it.
Food never tells you no. A meatball sub never says, “Sorry, I have a headache.” That hot fudge sundae? It isn’t going to leave you for someone else.
Sure, you may have lost friends, even lovers along the way, but that bag of chips is always ready to curl up on the couch with you for movie night.
We attach a feeling of emotional comfort to food simply because in a life where opportunities are few and disappointments are many, food’s always there. It’s that donut on the way to work. It’s sitting in that vending machine in the break room. It’s across the street at that restaurant you love to go to for lunch. It’s at that fast food place you keep telling yourself you’re going to drive by on your way home but you never do.
Food never fails you. It’s never going to tell no. It will never turn you down. It isn’t too busy for you. It doesn’t get embarrassed by you, or grow apart from you. You’ll never walk to your mailbox one day and find an envelope full of divorce papers signed, “Chili Cheese Fries.”
You pay your money. Your taste buds are tickled. You experience momentary relief from whatever’s troubling you.
THE YETI: ROAR! WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT? ROAR!
I’ll tell you, Yeti.
Food was never intended to be your friend.
It was intended to be your fuel.
What would the ancient cavemen eat? Leaves. Berries. Fruit. Vegetables. Meat from the occasional hunted animal. Humans were never meant to eat a lot to begin with.
Alas, somewhere along the line, man tamed the world and in many regions, the problem for many individuals has moved from there being too little to too much.
And it seems like every day companies are coming out with a new treat geared toward taking money out of your wallet and put fat on your ass, isn’t it?
Stuffed crust pizza. You heard me. Someone decided that there isn’t enough cheese on the pizza and put more cheese in the crust.
Oh! And you can get dipping sauce for your pizza. That’s right. There’s already sauce on your pizza and then you take your sauce covered pizza and dip it into more sauce.
Did I mention there are places that will serve you a sandwich where the “bread” is actually two pieces of chicken?
Don’t even get me started on milk shakes. Seriously, just skip them altogether and just sew a second human to yourself.
THE YETI: OR A SECOND YETI!
Or a second yeti.
Don’t get me wrong. No one should starve themselves. Everyone should eat a healthy diet and what is a normal calorie intake will vary as different people have different body types. Your doctor can help you figure out how much you need to eat if this is a concern for you.
THE YETI: ROAR! THIS IS EASY FOR TINY NERD MAN TO SAY BUT WHEN I TRY TO STOP, I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO LOOK FORWARD TO!
I hear you, Yeti. I do.
Before I became Fit Nerd, I tried and failed at a lot of weight loss programs. Many were run by insufferable, perpetually perky fit people who you could tell never knew what it was like to be unhappy, or unpopular, or to have nothing but that bag of barbecue chips and a Dr. Who marathon to look forward to.
BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: From hereon, Attorney Donnelly advises me that for legal purposes, Fit Nerd’s favorite show has to be Mr. Spacewarper
As I was saying, there are a lot of people who have no idea what’s it’s like to be a person with nothing to look forward to but a bag of barbecue chips and a Mr. Spacewarper marathon.
They’ll tell you to find something else to look forward to, something else that will make you happy but let’s be honest. Had it been that easy, you’d of never turned to a life of pounding down ring dings two at a time to begin with.
What I can tell you is that as bad as you think you have it now…it can get worse.
Think you’re unhappy now? Imagine how you’ll feel with:
- Heart Disease
- Risking a heart attack or stroke
- Increased pressure and/or pain in your knees/joints
- Being confined to a wheelchair
- Or worse, dying too soon. (Well, I suppose you won’t feel anything then.)
THE YETI: HOLY YETI CRAP! THIS IS GETTING TOO HEAVY FOR A NERD BLOG!
Agreed. My point? Only happy people think the unhappy can snap their fingers and poof, all problems are gone instantly.
The Yeti, it is my sincere hope that once you drop two hundred pounds of unsightly yeti fat, you’ll become a new yeti. A changed yeti.
I hope you’ll find a new lease on life. Maybe you’ll get out more. Maybe you’ll find your special someone that melts your ice cold yeti heart. Maybe you’ll find a worthwhile cause to get behind and stop being a fuzzy international war criminal.
But I also can’t promise you that after you’ll lose the weight, you won’t remain the same angry, miserable, depressed ginormous furry a-hole that you’ve always been.
BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: Yeah. I can. He’ll still be a furry a-hole.
The Yeti – International War Criminal/Exceptionally Furry A-Hole
What I can promise you is that your health will improve and let me ask you this – is it better to be unhealthy and miserable or unhealthy and miserable?
At least if you’re healthy and miserable, you can stew over your misery while taking a walk, riding a bike, or doing a myriad of fun activities.
THE YETI: ROAR! TINY NERD MAKES SENSE! THE YETI NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY! ROAR!
Hell, you might even beat BQB at a best two out of three roundhouse kick to the face competition.
Happiness? That’s up to you to figure out, if that’s even possible. All I can tell you is that it’s better to be healthy and unhappy than it is to be unhappy and unhealthy.
I lost weight and was still unhappy for a long time until I filled the hole in my life with my Fit Nerd books, guest spots on various talk shows, celebrity training, and my phat Malibu beach house. Weight loss won’t make you instantly happy. It will definitely make it easier to search for and work toward your happiness but happiness is a state of mind you have to find on your own.
It’s also relative. You’ll be happier as a miserable yet skinny yeti than you are as a miserable fat furry bastard.
BOTTOMLINE: As bad as you think you have it now, it can get much worse if you allow your excess yeti weight to remain.
My time’s up Yeti. Think about what I’ve said and I’ll be back. We’ll talk about setting goals, exercise, and who knows? I might convince BQB to let you into his kitchen to prepare some delicious/nutritious smoothies.
BQB: Unlikely. Why did I ever agree to this?
Fit Nerd Trains the Yeti is an ongoing health and wellness column for the Bookshelf Battle Blog.
Attorney Donnelly advises:
“Readers (3.5 or otherwise) should by no means construe Fit Nerd’s words as advice that they should necessarily follow. This is just a general health discussion. Fit Nerd is talking about tactics that worked for him but they may or may not work for you. If you are experiencing health and/or weight issues, consult your doctor, especially before beginning any sort of health and/or weight loss program/regimen/routine etc. Bookshelf Q. Battler takes no responsibility if you take Fit Nerd’s advice and something goes wrong. For Christ Sakes, people, this columnist is a damn fictional nerd with zero health related credentials. Stop being so litigious already.”
Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.