Tag Archives: self publishing

About BQB’s Writing Prompts

Hey 3.5 readers.

So I’m thinking I might start small.

I’m going to write 101 writing prompts i.e. scenarios designed to help aspiring writers get their brains going.  Read them then be inspired to start writing.

My theory is this will be a short, easy book.  Easy to format. It’ll help me learn how to get a book together and get it up and out on Amazon.

Obviously I don’t expect it to be a major hit so I’ll charge the bare minimum and by the end of it I will have learned about getting a book out there and maybe increase a little bit of traffic to this fine website.

So check out those writing prompts and let me know what you think.

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NaNoWriMo 2016

Halloween is over, 3.5 readers.

I know. It is such a fun time for the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

But Count Krakovich and Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian must retire to their respective lairs.

November 1. It is now National Novel Writing Month.

Are you participating?

Feel free to tell your resident nerd all about it.

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#31ZombieAuthors Rewind – Day 31 – Happy Halloween – David W. Wright of the Self Publishing Podcast

With Your Host: Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian

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Hey there, hi there, ho there, 3.5 readers.

Well, that’s it. We’ve reached the end of #31ZombieAuthors Rewind, a look back at all the interviews Bookshelf Q. Battler conducted of esteemed authors of zombie fiction last October.

BQB, why don’t you do something new, you lazy so and so?

In the coveted Halloween spot was David W. Wright, one third of the Self Publishing Podcast trio of Johnny B. Truant, Sean Platt and Dave.

BQB is a total SPP fan and if you haven’t listened to it yet, you should if you are an aspiring self-publisher.

These dudes tell you everything you know about the self publishing game and they have a fun time doing it.

Thanks for spending the time reading these interviews, 3.5.  I hope you enjoyed them as much as BQB did.

Who is your favorite zombie author? No promises, but perhaps BQB will interview your favorite zombie author in the future.

Check out that interview here.

And don’t forget to check out Dave’s Amazon author page.

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#31ZombieAuthors Rewind – Day 29 – Zombie Dinosaurs!

With Your Host: Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian

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Roar, 3.5 readers.

Roar indeed.

Dinsoaurs.  Zombies? DINOSAUR ZOMBIES!

That’s right. Last year BQB interviewed Rick Chesler and David Sakmyster, co-auhtors of Jurassic Dead, the totally badass book series that combines prehistoric lizards and the undead.

BQB was blown away by this awesome concept and one year later, he maintains it is a travesty of justice that this book has not been made into a movie yet.

“Who the hell greenlit all that Zach Galifinakis horse manure when there’s a perfectly good book series about zombasaurs aching to be made?” BQB was heard to say.

Check out BQB’s interview with the dino-tastic duo here.

And don’t forget to check out Jurassic Dead, now available on Amazon.

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#31ZombieAuthors Rewind – Day 28 – A. Giacomi – Zombie Agent

With Your Guest Host: Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian

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Zombies get a bad wrap.

They’re often portrayed by the biased, anti-zombie media as being mindless brain chomping maniacs.

However, sometimes zombies are intelligent…and can even save the day.

A zombie like A. Giacomi’s Eve Brenner: Zombie Agent is the kind of zombie you’d want on your side.

Check out BQB’s interview with A. Giacomi.

And don’t forget to check out A. Giacomi’s Amazon author page.

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Remember the Zombamo – Chapter 3

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One month later, Santa Anna strolled with Isadora across his luxurious, sweeping hacienda in Veracruz.

Correction: Isadora strolled. Santa Anna clunked.

“Bah,” the general said. “What good is eternal life without a leg?”

The lady vampire scoffed. “Off the top of my head, I can think of a thousand dead men who would gladly trade a leg to be in your position.”

Santa Anna hobbled his way to a flower garden, where he sat down on a bench and adjusted the straps on his wooden prosthetic leg.

“Crafted by imbeciles!” the general shouted.

Isadora found a spot on the bench and sat quietly as her protege raged.

“How many times have I saved this country from ruin?!” the general barked. “And all I ask for is a fake leg that fits me properly!”

Santa Anna looked out at the green field that sprawled ahead of him, stretching all the way to the horizon. Peasant workers in rags toiled away under the hot sun, picking ripe vegetables and placing them into burlap sacks.

The general pulled out his pistol, closed his left eye and took aim at a random worker standing roughly eighty yards away. The trigger was pulled, the shot fired. The worker fell, his body disappearing into the greenery.

The remaining workers in the dead man’s vicinity stopped momentarily. They looked around and then upon realizing who had fired, went immediately back to work, praying that their brief pause had gone unnoticed.

“Why did I do that?” Santa Anna asked as he blew the smoke off the barrel of his gun.

“Because you wanted to,” Isadora replied.

“All my life, I have wanted to do many things,” Santa Anna said. “Terrible things.”

Isadora plucked a red rose from a nearby bush and admired it.

“Such as?”

“Take what I want,” Santa Anna said. “Torture whoever mocks me. Murder whoever stands in my way. Fuck…”

Santa Anna looked at his companion and calmed down as he realized she was hanging on his every word.

“You stopped at the best part,” Isadora said as she pulled a petal off the rose.

The general finished his sentence. “…whoever I want.”

“What has been holding you back?” Isadora asked.

“I don’t know,” Santa Anna said. “Morality. Decency. Religion. Right and wrong.”

“All good guesses,” Isadora said as she rubbed the petal between her thumb and forefinger. “But all wrong.”

“You look at me as a cat does a mouse, woman,” Santa Anna said. “Tell me already.”

“It was your soul,” Santa Anna said.

The general holstered his weapon then leaned back. He looked up at the sky and attempted to lose himself while staring at all the fluffy white clouds.

“The greatest drawback of life, mi amor, is a soul,” Isadora explained. “A priest will tell you that it is the very essence of your being but if we’re being honest, it is little more than a nagging pest, a pathetic little worm that holds you back…”

Isadora leaned in close and nibbled on Santa Anna’s earlobe. “Whispering in your ear to be good when being bad is much more fun.”

The lady flicked the petal into the air. It danced about in the wind for a moment before falling to the ground.

“But now it is gone,” Isadora said. “And now you no longer have to worry about it standing between you and what you desire ever again, morality be damned.”

“I do not understand how I can still be here without my soul,” Santa Anna said.

“It may not seem like it but trust me,” Isadora said as she brushed her cold hand up against Santa Anna’s colder cheek. “You are most certainly dead and upon death, the soul and the body separate. Your soul travels to heaven or hell, depending on whether you were a good boy or a bad boy. Where do you think it went?”

“I’d rather not think about it,” Santa Anna replied.

Isadora laughed. “Perhaps that is best.”

“I’m dead,” Santa Anna said. “Yet here I am.”

“Your body carries on,” Isadora said. “Your mind continues to function. But when I drained you of blood, I killed you. When you fed on my blood, you were revived. A body drained off blood that is offered blood cannot resist and even death cannot prevent it from feeding.”

Santa Anna sat up and looked around the field.

“You will need to continue feeding forever to remain as you are,” Isadora said.

“Speaking of,” Santa Anna said. “I’m feeling peckish.”

The general stood up and limped into the field. Isadora followed.

“Who will you choose?” the lady vampire asked.

The general stopped and stared at a gray haired old man who was digging in the earth with a shovel. “Too old.”

“Not necessarily a problem,” Isadora said as she followed her love. “Like wine, blood ages well.”

“Yes,” Santa Anna said. “But he’s lived about as much life as he can and wouldn’t fear death, would he?”

“You are a natural, novio,” Isadora said.

The general stopped in front of a hideous man with a hunchback and a goiter on his noise.

“Ugh,” Santa Anna said as he walked away. “Wretched.”

“The package doesn’t always match the taste,” Isadora said.

“Yes,” Santa Anna said. “But I’d have to look at him while I’m eating…hello.”

A buxom senorita took a break from picking corn to dab her sweaty brow with a handkerchief. Her hair was dark and pulled back from her face with a red ribbon.

The general’s fangs popped out.

“Practice what I showed you,” Isadora said.

“But it would be so much better if she screams,” Santa Anna said.

“You must learn how to glamour,” Isadora said.

“Oh, alright,” Santa Anna said as he if were a naughty school boy caving in to his scolding mother’s demands. “Senorita.”

“Si?” the señorita replied as she turned around. As soon as she noticed the general’s fangs she shrieked. “Un monstruo!”

“Shh,” Santa Anna said as his eyes turned red. “There is nothing to fear.”

“No hay nada que temer,” the señorita repeated.

“You want to come to me,” Santa Anna said.

“Quiero ir a ustedes,” the senorita replied.

She did and as soon as she was close, Santa Anna dove his fangs into her neck and sucked. The señorita was quiet, peaceful. Her eyes closed and as she was drained she slowly, peacefully went to asleep until her body went limp in the general’s arms.

Santa Anna lifted his blood soaked mouth up from his meal and tossed the senorita’s carcass to the ground as if it were trash.

“I am invincible,” Santa Anna said.

“Close,” Isadora said. “But not quite. You’ll want to stay away from silver and guard your heart at all costs. A silver bullet or a wooden stake driven through your heart will be the end of you.”

The she-vamp reached her delicate fingers into Santa Anna’s shirt and pulled out a shiny golden medallion that was hanging from his neck from a chain.

“Above all else,” Isadora said. “Do not lose this and do not ever go outside in the daylight without this on.”

Santa Anna looked down at the golden circle. The design was simple, a mere pentagram. In the center, there was the face of a fearsome looking ram with long, pointy horns.

“A cheap bauble,” Santa Anna said.

Isadora slapped her man across the face, then pointed her finger at him. “You have no idea how difficult it was to talk father into giving this to you. Most vampires must slave away in his service for centuries before gaining his trust.”

Santa Anna reached out and ran his fingers over a similar medallion that hanged from Isadora’s neck.

“Would it be wrong to assume that this ‘father’ you speak of is actually the dev…”

Another slap. A finger pointed at Santa Anna’s face again.

“Do not ever use father’s real name,” Isadora said.

“And why is that?” Santa Anna asked.

“Because the greatest trick that father ever played is to convince mankind that he does not exist,” Isadora answered. “Throw his name around often enough and incompetent humans might start to wise up.”

“Incompetent?” Santa Anna asked.

“Humans are fools,” Isadora said. “They live short lives and barely have enough time to learn a thing. Alas, you haven’t lived long either mi amor but follow my counsel and you will rule Mexico.”

Isadora took Santa Anna’s harm and the vampires walked together toward an enormous, pristine white mansion.

“The people already call you the Napoleon of the West,” Isadora said.

“I’m not sure that is a compliment,” Santa Anna said.

“It is,” Isadora said. “He was a masterful warrior and between you and I…he was one of us.”

Santa Anna’s eyes widened. “But he had his waterloo.”

“Obey me and you never will,” Isadora said.

“There is a cost you’ve yet to mention, no doubt,” Santa Anna said.

“Of course,” Isadora said. “You’ll need to wake up father.”

“Wake him?” Santa Anna asked.

“Naturally,” Isadora said. “Mexico will be yours, Antonio, but the world will be father’s.”

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#31ZombieAuthors Rewind – Day 26 – Rhiannon Frater – Future Zombies

With Your Guest Host: Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian

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The future is here, 3.5 readers.

Seriously. Every second takes place in a future that you were only thinking about in your mind just a second ago.

The future is here! Whoops. Now it is in the past.

It’s here! Nope. Past.

Will there be zombies in the future?

Let’s hope not.

But BQB talked to Rhiannon Frater about that very subject.

Check out that interview here.

And don’t forget to check out Rhiannon’s Amazon Author page.

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30,005 Visitors

Hey 3.5 readers.

I was feeling bummed today.

Back from my nice vacation, time to go back to my regular, hum drum life as the Assistant to the Assistant of the Vice President of Corporate Assistance at Beige Corp, the World’s Premiere Producer of Beige Products and Accessories, feeling a little down in the dumps, i.e. realizing it is unlikely I’ll ever visit a big city like NYC ever again except as a tourist…i.e. I’ll never be there to sign on with a publishing agent or to close a book deal or to go to a book signing of my book or something.

Then I saw this:

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See that visitor counter?

30,005 visitors?

Or could that number be considered…”30,005 visitors?”

On a numerical scale, seems in keeping with “3.5 readers.”

I could have clicked on this any time. I clicked on it exactly when it said 30,005.

Is it a sign?

I honestly don’t know.

When I was young, I could have chosen the risky path of going balls out toward a writing career or the safe, hum drum path.

I chose to play it safe but in retrospect, I wish I’d chosen risky.

It was so easy to play it safe when I was young. “Plenty of time left. Just be safe a few more years and then you’ll be able to be risky.”

Sigh.  Now I’m too old to be risky.  The world wouldn’t even let me be risky if I wanted to. Risky opportunities are only passed out to the young.

I get my hopes up too much I guess.  My brain and my body keep quoting Eminem, telling me to learn to live “down here” but my heart keeps crying out, “No, live up here!”

I don’t know.  These books take time. I suppose I’m too down in the dumps to be all like, “this means I’m going to make it as a writer!” but at any rate, it was neat to see 30,005 readers.

That’s in almost 3 years.  You might say 30,005 readers in 2.5 years.

I really need 30,005 readers a day.

Also, I have a theory that the 30,005 visitors are just my 3.5 readers clicking on the site 30,005 times.

I’m sorry to be such a bummer, 3.5 readers.

If you like what you see here, keep reading and keep trying to become more than 3.5 readers.

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How My 3.5 Readers Can Multiply Themselves

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Dear 3.5 readers,

We’ve had some good times, haven’t we?

There was that first year where I didn’t post that much because I was still learning what all the damn buttons do.

Not gonna lie. I’m still learning. It doesn’t help that WordPress changes shit around everyday. Hell, sometimes I’ll step away from the computer to drop a deuce and come back and shit has been changed.

No two visits are ever the same.

Then there was that second year where I concentrated on the blog, tossing up tons of material, doing my one post a day for a year challenge.

And finally, year three is the year where I finally finished the first rough draft of a novel.  Now I just have the long journey to getting it published and out there.

Let’s take a moment to talk about you, my 3.5 readers.

Oh how I adore you, 3.5 readers. I really do.

Many authors have humongous egos where they desire millions of readers.

Meanwhile, I have decided that I will always keep blogging as long as at least 3.5 people keep showing up to look at this drivel.

1.5 readers? I give up. 2.5? No thanks. 3.5? OK. Cool. I’ll keep posting.

But can we talk about how you, my 3.5 readers, can help me, BQB?

You guys are cool. You’re great. But what I need you do to is to become MORE than 3.5 readers.

You need to multiply, 3.5 readers. You really do.

Have you tried to multiply yourselves yet, 3.5 readers?

Here are some ways that you can be more than 3.5 readers:

  • Tell your friends about my fine blog.
  • No friends? Make one, then tell your new friend about my fabulous blog.
  • What do you mean, you don’t have any friends?
  • OK so go make a friend then.
  • Yes, I know that’s easier said than done, but look at your life, you need a friend.
  • I don’t know to make a new friend. How does anyone make one? You attend some type of social gathering, strike up a conversation with a person in attendance, develop a rapport, and then perhaps after six months of friendship you slide it in to your new friend that he/she should check out my blog.
  • No, I didn’t say to give your friend the boot after. Sheesh, I’m not heartless. I’m not telling you to engage in an elaborate scheme to make a friend, get them to look at my blog, then kick them to the curb after. You can keep being friends with your new friend if you want.
  • Bring my blog up in casual conversations. Example:

RANDOM PERSON: You know I’m really concerned about global warming, genocide, war, and the extinction of the East Pango Tangonian Tree Bird.

YOU: Cool. You know what I do when I’m worried? I read the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

  • Hire a sky writer to inform the masses about my fine blog.
  • Conduct massive amounts of research into discovering the cure to an exotic disease. When the press interviews about your amazing discovery, devote the entire interview to talking about my blog.
  • If you have a blog, tell your 3.5 readers about my blog. Then, my 3.5 readers and your 3.5 readers can mingle.
  • Become an astronaut.  Once in outer space, deploy a sign directing Earthlings to read my blog. Note the sign must be large enough to be read from outer space. Block out the sun if necessary.
  • Use Jurassic Park technology to bring a dinosaur back to life. Ride through the streets on said dinosaur whilst telling all the Looky Lous about my splendid blog.

OK.  So out of those, I suppose the most reasonable requests are to ask you to follow me on Twitter on Facebook.

So go do that.  And then, if you can find the time, the dinosaur thing.

Thank you, 3.5 readers.

 

 

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#31ZombieAuthors Rewind – Peter Cawdron – Outsmarting Zombies

With Your Host: Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian

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Zombies.

They’re so dumb.

Or are they?

Last year, BQB talked to Peter Cawdron about outsmarting zombies.

Check out that interview here.

And don’t forget to check out Peter’s latest sci-fi adventure, Mars Endeavor, now on Amazon.

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