Schecky Blargfeld wasn’t funny in life and is even less so in his undeath.
ANNOUNCER:
Live (er, undead) from the East Randomtown Chuckle Hut, its Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian!
SCHECKY:
Hey there, hi there, ho there 3.5 readers. Wow, let me tell you, I just trudged in all the way from LA at an incredibly slow place and boy are the arms I held out directly in front of my body the entire time tired.
Lot of stuff going on in the news these days. Lot of stuff. You know I saw on TV you’ve got two zombies running for president?
Wait, what? They’re not zombies? They’re just ridiculously old. My bad, although in my defense, both candidates look like they are the stuff of Rick Grimes’s nightmares.
Jeez Louise, 3.5. Hillary or Trump? Trump or Hillary? That’s like asking a fella which one of his two nads he wants to not be removed by a nad doctor. Both outcomes are awful so I suppose all you can do now is vote for the nad whose bullshit most corresponds to your bullshit and then hope your preferred nad won’t destroy everything by 2020.
Look kiddos, you’re the people who chose these candidates. But oh sure, I’m the dumb monster. Right. Makes a lot of sense.
You know what? Keep your brains, people. I’m not going to eat them. You need them more than I do. Keep your brains and use them to think about what you’ve done.
What else?
You ever date a she-zombie? Boy, let me tell you, she-zombies be shopping. Am I right? You know I’m right.
I’ve never met a she-zombie that didn’t want me to part with all my green stuff. Oh, FYI I’m not talking about my money but my supply of fresh, juicy brains…brains I lifted off of once smart people…not people who read blogs that only have 3.5 readers…I’m not talking about you people of course. You 3.5 readers are great.
Knock…knock…
AUDIENCE:
Who’s there?
SCHECKY:
Ima Zombie.
AUDIENCE:
Ima Zombie who?
SCHECKY:
Damn, bitch. How many zombies do you know? Let me in so I can eat your brains already!
Hey people, so check it out. It has been an entire year since Bookshelf Q. Battler survived the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse.
Do you remember that?
Zombies actually ate up the dude’s town but did BQB give up?
Sadly no, which is too bad, because let’s face it, this blog is taking up valuable real estate on the web. Space that could be used for pornography, penis lengthening pills, or scams involving Nigerian princes that you never knew you were related to who want to give you money.
But I commend BQB because like Beyonce, he’s a survivor. BQB did not give up.
No, he used a space phone given to him by his little green sidekick Alien Jones to call 31 Zombie Authors.
And those zombie authors, each an expert on the undead, gave BQB the advice he needed to pull himself out of this jam.
Did you miss the spectacle last year? Fear not.
I will be hosting #31ZombieAuthors Rewind. That’s right. Every day, I’ll refresh your memory on who BQB interviewed.
So grab your beers and hold onto your brains, for #31ZombieAuthors rewind starts now.
Somebody call my agent. This is the worst gig I’ve ever had.
Bookshelf Battle 