Tag Archives: clinton

Five More Boring Things to Do from the Yeti

By: The Yeti, International War Criminal/Super Boring Fuzzy Snow Monster

Hello overstimulated 3.5 readers.

The Yeti here, back with some more boring things for you to do.

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#1 – Eat a Bag of Rice Cakes

Literally, like consuming styrofoam.  What is the point? You can eat a bag of them and it is like 10 calories or something.  Rice cakes are like methadone for a recovering fat person.  Very boring.

#2 – Wait in a Line

Doesn’t matter what it is for.  Just pick a line and wait.

#3 – Do a Crossword Puzzle

“Oh look at me!  I’m Mr. Genius Newspaper Crossword Puzzle Creator!  Blah, blah, blah I’m so smart because I lined up a word going across with another word going down based on a single letter that both words have in common.  Someone give me a trophy, blah, blah, blah.”

Boring!

#4- Share a Dumbass Face Book Meme

“Oh, look at me again!  Here is my stupid post with a copyright infringing yellow minion and it says some bullshit like, ‘I wonder if I share a hug how many people would hug me back?  I bet I don’t get one hug!'”

Good!  Call a bookie and place that bet because that is some winning action, you incredibly boring assface!

#5 – Get Into a Political Argument with a Facebook Friend

“Blah, blah, blah.  I work at the gas station and I think Trump is the best.  Oh yeah? Well, blah, blah, blah, I work at a drive-thru burger joint and I think Hillary was outta sight.  Oh yeah?  Well, I live on a commune and I’m all about Bernie.  Yes, let us all blah, blah, blah our unwavering political opinions at each other all night despite our lack of qualifications and credentials, blah, blah, blah.”

Boredom forever!

Tired of a Yeti controlled Bookshelf Battle Blog?  Kick the Yeti’s furry butt out of BQB HQ by following BQB on Twitter – @bookshelfbattle

 

 

 

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Ask the Alien – Help Bookshelf Q. Battler Save the World – 11/12/16

By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

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Greetings Earth Losers.

Before I begin, I’d like to say congratulations to America for concluding its presidential election.

You may have thought this election was tough. In fact, it reminded me of the Flaknarkian election of 29292929 for the position of Illustrious Poobah.

The Flaknarkians are a walrus shaped people.  The male candidate was an elderly walrus with outlandish hair and the female was also an elderly walrus but she had a penchant for falling down all the time.

Hmm…come to think of it, there wasn’t a lot of difference between that election and yours.

Anyway, if your candidate prevailed, congratulations. If your candidate lost, my condolences.

But whether you are happy are sad by the results of this election, fear not, for it is meaningless, as the Mighty Potentate will most certainly take control of your wretched planet at some point anyway.

You may recall that some time ago my supreme overlord, the Mighty Potentate, declared that Bookshelf Q. Battler is the chosen one, the only writer capable of putting out a book so finely crafted that it would inspire the masses to give up on reality television altogether.

It’s been over a year and alas, BQB has yet to publish a novel.

Ergo, to prevent the spread of reality television across the cosmos, His Potentosity is planning a hostile takeover of your planet should BQB fail in his writing efforts.

In other words, start getting used to the idea of being ruled by the Mighty Potentate because it doesn’t look like BQB will ever get his ass into gear.

But you can help BQB and in so doing, save your planet from the Mighty Potentate’s potent potential.

All you need to do is follow BQB on one of the following time wasting social media sites that aliens invented to cause all of you dumb humans to grow dumber, fatter, lazier and more obnoxious and angry about literally everything.

Oh wait. I’ve said too much.

BQB on Twitter

BQB on Facebook

BQB on Wattpad

BQB on Google Plus

BQB is an especially Twitterer.  In fact, he Tweets as much as your incoming president but he is not as orange.

BQB checks in on Facebok and Wattpad regularly but has been letting Google + slide, though he needs to get back to it soon.

So follow him and then once he writes his book you can help him promote it and in effect, save the world from the Mighty Potentate.

In the meantime, if you see BQB screwing around on this pitiful blog, tell him to get his back ass to work on his novel, for the fate of the world is at stake.

Alien Jones is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s intergalactic correspondent, graciously lending the power of his brain to answer your questions.

Ask the Alien a question and he may very well plug your book or blog in his answer. Ask questions in the comments or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle

Together, we can promote self-published material and ween the masses off reality television, a form of entertainment that Alien Jones’ boss, the maniacal alien despot known as “The Mighty Potentate” despises so much that he’s plotting an invasion of Earth just to stop it.

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How Trump Won With Social Media

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Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal Bookshelf Q. Battler here.

So my usual disclaimer. I’m not going to talk politics or the pros and cons of one side or the other.

This is a nerd blog for nerd things so I want to talk about social media.

I figured a year ago Trump would win based on one thing:

He had way more Facebook likes and Twitter followers than Hillary.

Really. That’s it.

I don’t remember what it was a year ago but his Facebook and Twitter followers were more than hers and as of today he’s got roughly 4 million more Facebook likes than she does (not an exact figure, I am too lazy to do the exact math but it is close.)

I don’t have Mitt Romney and Barack Obama’s figures from 2012 but I’m willing to bet Barack had more than Mitt.

And I believe this is a sign for all political watchers and armchair quarterbacks to consider:

He or she who has the most follows and likes on social media will win.

Yup. That’s how we will one day end up with President Kardashian.

But I digress.

3.5 READERS: Oh but BQB is the number of social media followers a good way to decide an election?

On the face of it, no, but the social media numbers don’t decide the election. They are an early warning sign that the public digs one candidate more than the other.

Think about it.

Social media starts out as a good idea.  You can talk to like your 5 closest friends and family members that you actually want to hear from.

But then to be polite you have to add your third cousin twice removed, your long lost uncle, your pet hamster’s geography teacher’s sister’s yoga instructor.

Before you know it, your Facebook feed is filled with the rantings of tons of asshats saying things you don’t want to hear.

No pet hamster’s geography teacher’s sister’s yoga instructor! I do not give a shit what you ate for lunch today!

Your Facebook feed is valuable virtual real estate in your eyes and you give it away only if you have to.

Ergo, if you really dig a candidate, you’ll click that like so you can get brainwashed by your favorite candidate.

This isn’t a perfect science. I’m not saying someone with less followers will never win but I think that yeah, it does make a win less likely because the candidate with more followers is getting his/her message out to more people.

2008. 2012. 2016.  These are the only three presidential elections where social media was a thing. And in each election (though I’m just guessing via McCain vs. Obama and Romney vs. Obama but I believe I’m right) the person with the most follows and likes won.

That’s my theory.  Don’t get bogged down into the politics. Just talk about the social media science of it all.

Because as I always say, it doesn’t matter what side of the political aisle you are on, the really important thing is that you all love me and you all come together and buy the books I have yet to write if I ever get around to writing and publishing them.

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Election Night 2016

Reporting live from East Randomtown, 3.5 readers.

Results thus far:

Uncle Hardass is expected to defeat Trump and Clinton in the surprise upset of the year.

The East Randomtown Mayor’s Race is too close to call but I will keep you updated.

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I was touched inappropriately by Hillary Clinton And Donald trump

3.5 readers while everyone is telling their stories I figured I would finally tell mine.

Hillary Clinton touched my hiney.

The year was 1998. Smashing Pumpkins were all the rage and neon clothing was in.

Why was it ever out? A question for another day.

There I was, wearing my multicolored 8 ball jacket, walking down the street, minding my own business.

I’d been listening to Bell Biv Devoe on my CD Walkman for hours and felt it was time to switch things up to Salt N Pepa.

Alas, I dropped my CD holder. The CDs scattered everywhere. 

And then, as I bent over to pick up my CDs, I felt it – the First Lady’s hand all over my firm, supple buttocks.

“Mmm yummy!” the former FLOTUS said. “Mama likey!”

“Oh my God!” I cried. “First Lady of the United States Hillary Clinton! Did you just touch my derrière?”

“I can neither confirm nor deny that I touched the alleged hiney in question,” Hillary said. “And youse better not talk to no one about it if you know what’s good for you, see?”

Hillary, who sounded like a 1930s gangster, ran off into the night and left me with my shame.

I dropped to my knees and shouted to the stars, “Why God? Why? Why have you sentenced me to a lifetime of agony due to having my ass touched by the most powerful woman in the world? Could this day get any worse?”

And so I laid there in the street for awhile until a limo pulled up and a man stepped out.

The suit. The hair.

“What’s this whack job doing in the middle of the road?” the Donald said. “I’m Donald J. Trump and I’m on my way to a very important business meeting which I assure you will be very classy and very fantastic. No one holds a better business meeting than I do, OK? I hold them better than they do in China, that’s for sure.”

“Oh,” I said. “Sorry Mr Trump. I was just a bit hysterical because Hillary Clinton just touched my ass.”

“The Hillary Clinton?” Donald asked. “She and her husband are good friends of mine. Excellent friends. I cut checks to them all the time. I’m sure we’ll be friends forever and speaking of Friends, that show is still on the air because it’s the 90s. Ross will never get with Rachel, that much I can tell you. Ross is a loser. He really is. Very low energy.”

“I’ll get out of your way,” I said.

But before I could, I felt the smallest hand ever on my rump.

“This does absolutely nothing for me, just so you know,” Trump said. “Worst hiney I’ve ever touched, ok? You really need to start working out big league.”

I walked away but remained very sad and depressed for the rest of my life. In fact at the time I was about to become the world’s first guitar playing astronaut but the mental pain was so much I had to settle for starting a blog with only 3.5 readers.

Also, my attorney advises me to say this is all just a joke, not true, and never happened.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Are Trump and Hillary in love?

Look, I’m just going to say it.

All that tension at the second presidential debate was because Trump and Hillary are in love.

Hillary is tired of Bill running around on her and wants a man with gravity defying hair.

Trump yearns to get all up in that sweet ass pantsuit.

They’re fighting over this and that but really its all just to mask the fact that they want to bone.

Could be speculation but I don’t know.

And further, I don’t even want to speculate what it would sound like.

You know what? I won’t speculate about it because it would decrease the dignity of this fine blog.

TRUMP: Oh yeah…oh yeah…this YUGE!  Thanks to me, Donald J. Trump, your bed is going to experience the highest ratings it has ever seen. You’re welcome.

HILLARY: Oh Donald! Hit that delete key, my chia headed stallion! Hit that delete key hard!

TRUMP: This is so classy. Really, its so fantastic. We’re gonna go at it big league!

HILLARY: Hold on.  I have to take off my pantsuit and then the three other pantsuits underneath my pantsuit.  Ugh, wait, I need my walker…

Hmmm.  Oh well. It’s a good thing only 3.5 people read this.

Look, that’s just a hypothetical recreation of what a Trump/Hillary rendezvous would sound like.

And who knows? Maybe if they were to get together, maybe the country would benefit.

What say you, 3.5? Are the Donald and Hillary secretly in love?

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#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Way #10 -Political Debates

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

I don’t know about you 3.5 readers, but when a political debate is supposed to be about substance and it devolves into which candidate is a less shitty person, it makes me want to crawl back into my coffin and sleep for a hundred years, bleh.

The next time a vampire comes at you, just play the latest presidential debate.

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#31ZombieAuthors Rewind with Your Host – Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian

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Schecky Blargfeld wasn’t funny in life and is even less so in his undeath.

ANNOUNCER:

Live (er, undead) from the East Randomtown Chuckle Hut, its Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian!

SCHECKY:

Hey there, hi there, ho there 3.5 readers. Wow, let me tell you, I just trudged in all the way from LA at an incredibly slow place and boy are the arms I held out directly in front of my body the entire time tired.

Lot of stuff going on in the news these days. Lot of stuff.  You know I saw on TV you’ve got two zombies running for president?

Wait, what?  They’re not zombies? They’re just ridiculously old. My bad, although in my defense, both candidates look like they are the stuff of Rick Grimes’s nightmares.

Jeez Louise, 3.5.  Hillary or Trump? Trump or Hillary? That’s like asking a fella which one of his two nads he wants to not be removed by a nad doctor.  Both outcomes are awful so I suppose all you can do now is vote for the nad whose bullshit most corresponds to your bullshit and then hope your preferred nad won’t destroy everything by 2020.

Look kiddos, you’re the people who chose these candidates. But oh sure, I’m the dumb monster.  Right. Makes a lot of sense.

You know what? Keep your brains, people.  I’m not going to eat them. You need them more than I do. Keep your brains and use them to think about what you’ve done.

What else?

You ever date a she-zombie? Boy, let me tell you, she-zombies be shopping. Am I right? You know I’m right.

I’ve never met a she-zombie that didn’t want me to part with all my green stuff. Oh, FYI I’m not talking about my money but my supply of fresh, juicy brains…brains I lifted off of once smart people…not people who read blogs that only have 3.5 readers…I’m not talking about you people of course. You 3.5 readers are great.

Knock…knock…

AUDIENCE:

Who’s there?

SCHECKY:

Ima Zombie.

AUDIENCE:

Ima Zombie who?

SCHECKY:

Damn, bitch. How many zombies do you know? Let me in so I can eat your brains already!

Hey people, so check it out. It has been an entire year since Bookshelf Q. Battler survived the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse.

Do you remember that?

Zombies actually ate up the dude’s town but did BQB give up?

Sadly no, which is too bad, because let’s face it, this blog is taking up valuable real estate on the web.  Space that could be used for pornography, penis lengthening pills, or scams involving Nigerian princes that you never knew you were related to who want to give you money.

But I commend BQB because like Beyonce, he’s a survivor.  BQB did not give up.

No, he used a space phone given to him by his little green sidekick Alien Jones to call 31 Zombie Authors.

And those zombie authors, each an expert on the undead, gave BQB the advice he needed to pull himself out of this jam.

Did you miss the spectacle last year?  Fear not.

I will be hosting #31ZombieAuthors Rewind. That’s right.  Every day, I’ll refresh your memory on who BQB interviewed.

So grab your beers and hold onto your brains, for #31ZombieAuthors rewind starts now.

Somebody call my agent. This is the worst gig I’ve ever had.

 

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A Thought on Campaign Funding, the Internet and Technology

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Hello. I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler, noted ugly rights advocate, champion yeti fighter, proponent for a cure for Lightning Infused Toaster Paper Toilet Death (we must find the cure in our lifetime) and the owner of a website owned by 3.5 readers.

Blah blah blah, you know my spiel about not getting political.

But here’s a thought I wonder if everyone couldn’t consider.  And I’ll say up front, I’m not sure how it could be carried out.

It just seems like it is becoming too much that people are able to cut a check to a candidate for huge amounts of money and then say with a straight face that this transaction doesn’t mean the candidate’s loyalty hasn’t been bought or that the donator is doing it solely on ideology and not expecting some kind of quid pro quo.

The problem has always been that the money has always been needed.  You don’t take it, your opponent will, your opponent can then buy a lot of TV ads and attack you 24/7.

But look at the tech today.

First, it is easier to collect small donations from the little guy.  Few people have the attention span to remember to write a check, address an envelope and mail it to the campaign of their choice.

However, if the laptop is already on your lap, burning your genitals while you’re watching Scandal Thursday nights on ABC, it doesn’t take much effort to send your candidate whatever you are willing to part with.

Should there be a cap?  Hypothetically, yeah, if its limited to, say, a hundred dollars per person then I’m not sure the average politician would become beholden to someone for a hundred bucks.

In other words, its never been easier to collect small donations from the general public and those donations won’t necessarily lead to an unsavory phone call demanding that a politician engage in sketchy behavior.

Second, and here’s the big one – video and/or other content has never been easier to produce, create, and share.

Seriously.  If some kid in his dorm can generate a million followers on YouTube by buying everything he needs at the local Best Buy, then surely the prospective leaders of the free world can.

Really – buy ad time? Seems like an outdated concept.  Turn on your smart phone, say something controversial about your opponent, post it, and then the media will pick it up.

OLD WAY: Buy millions of dollars worth of ads to play a commercial about how your opponent is a butt face.

NEW WAY: Turn on cell phone camera.  Say, “My opponent is a butt face.” Post. Wait for major networks to report that you called your opponent a butt face. Heck, your ardent followers will even spread your message to all their friends, informing them that you think your opponent is a butt face.

IN CONCLUSION:

  • It’s never been easier to raise a lot of money from a lot of little people who don’t have the power call you at 3 a.m. to ask you to do something to compromise your integrity because of a $20 donation they made on your site.
  • Content has never been cheaper to create or share.

AND THE BEST PART:

  • The average person who is a semi-respectable, non-douche with good ideas but hasn’t spent a lifetime being a henchman/woman for people making giant donations might, just might, be able, with a few simple, affordable pieces of tech available at Best Buy, be able to spread meaningful content about his/her ideas that goes viral and becomes as formidable as content created through enormous donations, thereby allowing better, less douchy people to rise to the top.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

 

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Trump vs. Hillary Debate

I don’t like to get political but from a TV viewership angle, this thing is going to be YUUUUGE.  Even up against Monday Night Football, they’re expecting over 100 million people to tune in.

I don’t care who you’re rooting for, everyone is allowed an opinion.  I just hope that to get extra ratings, Trump and Hillary end up engaging in naked mud wrestling.

And honestly, I think a lot of the tension between them is sexual.  For the good of the country, they should just bang one out on live TV just to bring everyone closer together.

Only blur it out because no one wants to see that.

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