And now, Bookshelf Q. Battler, one of the greatest minds of the Twenty-First Century (although hey, it’s still young) will share his great musings…
#26 – If an after life does indeed exist, you can be assured to a mathematical certainty of one-hundred and fifty-eight percent that one of your deceased relatives has gazed down upon you from the heavens to check in on how you are doing only to be repulsed upon seeing you engaged in a full scale, no holds barred, down and dirty masturbation session.
#27 – Time is a construct and we need to construct more of it. A lot more.
#28 – If I could do it all again, I’d be a farmer.
#29 – Genes decide if your butt looks good in jeans. Jeans, on the other hand, decide nothing about your genes. On an unrelated note, my Cousin Gene owes me thirty-seven dollars and a carton of menthols.
#30 – Did Samurais eat rye bread?
#31 – The first best way to get a free book is to go to your local library and get a library card. The second best way to get a free book is to politely ask a friend who happens to be getting rid of a book if you can have the book. The third best way to get a free book is to jam a Glock into a bookworm’s ribs and shout, “Give me your copy of Wuthering Heights right now or you’ll eat lead, motherfucker!” For legal and/or moral purposes, I do not advise the latter.
#32 – The show, “Saturday Night Live” should be called, “One Half-Hour of Saturday Night and One Hour of Sunday Morning Live.” I hate to be a stickler, but facts matter.
#33 – String is good for tying things up.
#34 – No one has any cash anymore.
#35 – Do Chinese people call their food, “food?”
#36 – I’ve tried and failed several weight loss programs over the years. I’ve found the only regimen that works is to be locked in a cage like a werewolf on a full moon and to be zapped in the nut sack with a cattle prod whenever I ask for pizza. For legal and moral purposes, I don’t advise this.
#37 – If your parents die at age 80 when you are age 50, will that make you an orphan?
#38 – Chips go good with dip.
#39 – I’ve never understood people who put ketchup AND mustard on one hot dog. It’s an either/or decision, jackass. Make a choice and live with the consequences.
#40 – The first caveman who saw a lobster and decided it looked delicious must have been a bonafide asshole.
#41 – Croutons are like speed bumps for salad.
#42 – Couples who want to have a baby should do so before age 35. It’s a scientific fact that after age 36, the inside of a woman’s uterus bears a striking resemblance to the knight’s tomb in “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,” complete with spiders, cobwebs, bats and the bones of unlucky explorers from long gone ancient civilizations.
#43 – Polish makes objects shiny.
#44 – How does the guy who writes “YOU ARE HERE” on the giant, oversized maps at various public attractions always know where I am? Stalk much?
#45 – I’m against gay marriage, not because I have anything against gay people, it’s just that I think they’ve been through enough already.
#46 – Am I the only one who goes to a baseball game and wonders why 50,000 people are watching a bunch of dummies throw a ball around?
#47 – You may laugh at the idea of bidets, but I’ve never met a Frenchman with hemorrhoids.
#48 – Nobody writes letters anymore.
#49 – Toaster ovens are the microwaves of yesteryear.
#50 – Winter is the best time of year to wear your heavy coat. If you wait until August to put it on, it will be too hot.