And now, Bookshelf Q. Battler, one of the greatest minds of the Twenty-First Century (although hey, it’s still young) will share his great musings…
#1 – Once a fart exits the butt, does it still exist?
#2 – Fur is like a coat for a dog, except it does not include a zipper or buttons and cannot be taken off.
#3 – I’m not sure why cereal is considered a breakfast treat. I enjoy it at any time of the day or night.
#4 – Sometimes, when I see a hamster running around a wheel, I want tell the little guy to stop running, because the joke’s on him…but then the more I think about it, the joke’s probably on me.
#5 – We can put a man on the moon but we can’t devise a cure for crotch rot.
#6 – Rulers in America are always 12 inches long.
#7 – Couches are good for sitting.
#8 – Pressed for time? Start a film at the last five minute mark and save yourself two hours.
#9 – Well, those bastards at the post office raised stamp prices again.
#10 – Soy sauce, like most sauces, can be put on any food, but the key to deciding whether or not you want soy sauce to be on your food is to a) imagine what the food tastes like b) imagine what the food would taste like with soy sauce on it and then c) decide whether or not that would taste good before proceeding with the squeezing of the soy sauce packet onto the piece of food in question.
#11 – I’ve never met a bagel that couldn’t be improved by cream cheese.
#12 – Coffee helps you wake up in the morning.
#13 – I’ve found that whenever I’m sick to the point of vomiting, it’s always good to stay take a sick day from work. Otherwise, you might vomit on your co-workers and boy howdy, will that ever put a bee in their bonnets.
#14 – Bermuda is a better country to visit than North Korea. If your travel agent gives you a choice between visiting Bermuda or North Korea, pick Bermuda.
#15 – When your feet are cold, it’s time to slip on your socks.
#16 – Space is enormous. You can fit a lot in there.
#17 – When it comes to sticking your head in a velociraptor’s mouth, I’m against it.
#18 – Nazis are history’s dick cheeseburgers with extra turd sauce.
#19 – Music is a symphony for the ears.
#20 – Whenever I need a good laugh, I remember that Kirk Cameron’s best friend on “Growing Pains” was named “Boner.”
#21 – I visited Muncie, Indiana once. It was OK. There are worse places to be and there are better places to be.
#22 – Skunks are just smelly rats.
#23 – Why are pineapples called “pineapples?” They don’t come from pine trees. Some ancient tree scientist somewhere really screwed the pooch on that one.
#24 – One day, a dog and a cat will fall so madly in love that they will fornicate. When that happens, an everlasting world peace will not be far behind.
#25 – It has been my experience that when an electrical appliance requires power in order to function, the best action to take is to take the plug attached to the aforementioned appliance and insert it into a wall socket. Consult a fully bonded, licensed and insure electrician for more information.