Tag Archives: thinking

Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century – #151 – 175

And now, Bookshelf Q. Battler, one of the greatest minds of the Twenty-First Century (but hey, the century is still young) will share his great musings…

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#151 – A dollar doesn’t buy much anymore.

#152 – Alcatraz was a formidable prison.  Why’d they close it down?

#153 – Reece’s Pieces are like M and M’s, except the candy shell covers peanut butter instead of chocolate or a chocolate covered nut.

#154 – No one ever screams for ice cream anymore.

#155 – Ferret is an oft underutilized meat source.

#156 – English is a language that is easily understood by those who speak it well.

#157 – I’d rather not contract syphilis if I can avoid it.

#158 – Barbie has so many jobs.  Where does that bitch find the time?

#159 – Somewhere on another planet, there is a guy writing on a blog as poorly read as this one.

#160 – Television is fun to watch.

#161 – A hat is the best thing to wear when your head is cold.

#162 – See #161 but replace “hat” with “gloves” and “head” with “hands.”

#163 – I’ve never thought much about mitochondrial DNA.  The subject is over my head.

#164 – A stranger is just a person who may or may not lock you up in a secret room they have hidden between two walls in their creepy old house.

#165 – I use an alarm clock to wake up in the morning, but I’d prefer a soldier playing “Reveille” on a trumpet.

#166 – Whenever you want to smoke, you never have a lighter.  Isn’t that always the way?

#167 – Humans are shaved apes.  Apes are furry humans.

#168 – Whenever my house is dirty, I clean it.

#169 – Nobody says, “Talk to the hand” anymore.

#170 – Neon colors aren’t used enough.

#171 – I like to start my day with a big bowl of oatmeal with some raisins mixed in.

#172 – If I could travel through time, I’d go back to two seconds ago, and rewrite this musing.

#173 – All animals should be required to wear pants.

#174 – There goes Don Quixote, tilting at windmills again.

#175 – It must be hard to be crazy.

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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century #1-25

And now, Bookshelf Q. Battler, one of the greatest minds of the Twenty-First Century (although hey, it’s still young) will share his great musings…

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#1 – Once a fart exits the butt, does it still exist?

#2 – Fur is like a coat for a dog, except it does not include a zipper or buttons and cannot be taken off.

#3 – I’m not sure why cereal is considered a breakfast treat.  I enjoy it at any time of the day or night.

#4 – Sometimes, when I see a hamster running around a wheel, I want tell the little guy to stop running, because the joke’s on him…but then the more I think about it, the joke’s probably on me.

#5 – We can put a man on the moon but we can’t devise a cure for crotch rot.

#6 – Rulers in America are always 12 inches long.

#7 – Couches are good for sitting.

#8 – Pressed for time?  Start a film at the last five minute mark and save yourself two hours.

#9 – Well, those bastards at the post office raised stamp prices again.

#10 – Soy sauce, like most sauces, can be put on any food, but the key to deciding whether or not you want soy sauce to be on your food is to a) imagine what the food tastes like b) imagine what the food would taste like with soy sauce on it and then c) decide whether or not that would taste good before proceeding with the squeezing of the soy sauce packet onto the piece of food in question.

#11 – I’ve never met a bagel that couldn’t be improved by cream cheese.

#12 – Coffee helps you wake up in the morning.

#13 – I’ve found that whenever I’m sick to the point of vomiting, it’s always good to stay take a sick day from work.  Otherwise, you might vomit on your co-workers and boy howdy, will that ever put a bee in their bonnets.

#14 – Bermuda is a better country to visit than North Korea.  If your travel agent gives you a choice between visiting Bermuda or North Korea, pick Bermuda.

#15 – When your feet are cold, it’s time to slip on your socks.

#16 – Space is enormous.  You can fit a lot in there.

#17 – When it comes to sticking your head in a velociraptor’s mouth, I’m against it.

#18 – Nazis are history’s dick cheeseburgers with extra turd sauce.

#19 – Music is a symphony for the ears.

#20 – Whenever I need a good laugh, I remember that Kirk Cameron’s best friend on “Growing Pains” was named “Boner.”

#21 – I visited Muncie, Indiana once.  It was OK.  There are worse places to be and there are better places to be.

#22 – Skunks are just smelly rats.

#23 – Why are pineapples called “pineapples?”  They don’t come from pine trees.  Some ancient tree scientist somewhere really screwed the pooch on that one.

#24 – One day, a dog and a cat will fall so madly in love that they will fornicate.  When that happens, an everlasting world peace will not be far behind.

#25 – It has been my experience that when an electrical appliance requires power in order to function, the best action to take is to take the plug attached to the aforementioned appliance and insert it into a wall socket.  Consult a fully bonded, licensed and insure electrician for more information.

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Philosophers on Farting

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Think before you stink.

Hey 3.5 readers.

I surveyed the following philosophers on the topic of farting.  Here is what they said:

Socrates – If you want to know whether or not you should fart, ask yourself if you should or should not fart.  The answer to this fart question dwells within you and by asking yourself about farts, you will draw out the answer about farts.

Plato – Before you are born, you get to chill out in Heaven, where there is a mold of everything in the world, including farts.  You forget about that mold after you are born, but the knowledge of that fart mold is still in you deep somewhere, so think real hard, and you will come up with the answer about farts.

Aristotle – The answer to a fart question isn’t with you but it does lie within the world somewhere.  Study farts and you will learn about farts.

Machiavelli – Tell everyone you will not fart, then fart anyway.  By the time the gas hits their noses, it will be too late.

George Hegel – First, we must examine the fart as it happens.  Next, we must look back upon the time when the fart happened and reflect on it.  Finally, once considerable time has passed, we must philosophize about the fart.

Immanuel Kant – Only fart on someone if you wouldn’t mind if they were to fart on you.

Rene Descartes – I fart therefore I am.

Soren Kierkegaard – The number of potential ways in which one could fart are limitless, so much so that one could not even comprehend the sheer volume of ways to fart.  Regrets about your farting related decision are inevitable.  If you fart, you will regret it.  If you do not fart, you will regret it.  You are damned if you fart and damned if you don’t fart.  You will never know until the end of your life whether you should have farted or not but by then, you will have farted or not farted already.  There is just no way to tell whether or not you should fart until it is too late to fart or not fart.

Thomas Hobbes – Without farts, life is nasty, brutish and short.  With farts, life is smelly.

John Locke – Every man’s fart is his property.  This fart, nobody has a right to, but himself.

Thomas Paine – These are the farts that test men’s souls.

John Stuart Mill – You should only fart if it will benefit the most people.

Friedrich Nietzsche – God is dead.  All that matters is what you want.  If you want to fart, then fart.  If farting makes you happy, the fart, fart, fart.  Fart your way into becoming a gassy superman.

Arthur Schopenhauer – We’re all going to die at some point so go ahead.  Fart if you want.  You’re worried you’ll be embarrassed?  Don’t worry.  You’ll eventually die and then you won’t be worried about your farts anymore.  Worried other people will think ill of you if you fart?  Stop worrying.  They will all eventually die and then no one will be around to talk about your farts.  We’re all totally screwed so fart, fart away.  Fart loud and proud.

Arthur Shopenhauer, Take Two:  All farts pass through three stages.  First, they are ridiculed.  Second, they are violently opposed.  Third, they are accepted as self-evident.

Karl Marx – Farting is the opiate of the butt.  Also, you fart so much while other people fart so little.  Give those people half your farts.

Erwin Schrodinger – Plug up your nose and your ears and then stand next to a person.  Until you remove your ear and nose plugs, you will never know whether or not that person is farting.  Perhaps you will remove your plugs and you will hear and smell a fart.  Perhaps you will remove your plugs and you will hear and smell nothing.  You will never know if a person is farting until you experience the fart.  Until you experience the fart, it is possible that the person is farting and not farting at the same exact time.

Martin Heidegger – If you hold in your fart, you are denying the essence of your need to fart.  Farts are only experienced if they happen.

Jean Paul Sartre – The existence of your fart precedes the essence of your fart.

Albert Camus – In the depth of my buttcheeks, I finally realized there laid within an invincible fart.

 

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Who is the best philosopher ever?

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Hello 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

Who do you think is the greatest philosopher ever?

Is it Socrates? Plato? Aristotle?  Someone more modern?

Jot down your favorite philosopher in the comments and I’ll tell you who the best philosopher ever is sometime this weekend.

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