Tag Archives: You Can’t Argue with Science

Top Ten Ways You Can Become a Mad Scientist Just Like Dr. Hugo Von Science


Hello 3.5 readers.  BQB here

Have you ever wondered how you can become a mad scientist, just like my former mentor/current frenemy, the illustrious Dr. Hugo Von Scientist?

Of course you have.  Therefore, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Ways You Can Become a Mad Scientist, Just Like Doctor Hugo Von Science:

#10 – Laugh Maniacally Over Everything…

…especially when the world gives you the slightest advantage.  Drive-thru gave you an extra large fry instead of the small you ordered at no additional cost?

That’s not just a win.  That’s a reason to laugh maniacally.  “Yes, with the energy these extra fried potatoes, I shall conquer the world!  Muah ha ha ha!”

#9 – Always Monologue

It’s not just enough to laugh maniacally.  You must also spell out the advantage you received that made you laugh in a maniacal manner.  See above where you explain why getting extra fries helps you.

#8 – Always Have a Plan for World Domination

Mad scientists often begin as regular scientists who feel their genius is unappreciated.  After years of study, they tend to receive years of neglect with no one giving them so much as a pat on the back for a job well done when it comes to their science-ing.  Thus, they become jaded and turn their science skills toward evil instead of good.

In fact, hug a scientist today.  You never know.  You might just stave of a plot for global domination by doing so.

#7 – Have a Lair

Could be your basement, an abandoned warehouse, any rusty old claptrap will do.

#6 – Have Many Bubbling Potions

It’s not really a good idea to leave poisonous chemicals lying around, but you should at least give the appearance to the world that you don’t give an F.  Maybe just fill up some beakers full of Mountain Dew and Diet Shasta Orange.

You know what?  Skip this part.  Don’t do it.  Don’t mess with chemicals or even pretend to.  My lawyer says I can’t afford that kind of hassle.

#5 – Be German

The best mad scientists are always German.  Stereotype?  Maybe.  Leftover fear of Nazi experiments gone awry?  Surely.  All I know is that if you are German or can fake a good German accent, you will move up to the very tip top of the mad scientist game.

Deny all you want but you’ve never heard of a famous mad scientist who sounded like he was from North Dakota, have you?  “Ohh yah, I’m gonna take over the world, don’t you know?”

Nope.  Never happens.

#4 – Have Crazy Hair

Dr. Hugo does not have crazy hair but you should.  The crazier the better.  Your hair should always look like it was destroyed by your latest experiment.

#3 – Have a Pet Sidekick

Really, a mad scientist is not complete without a chimpanzee nearby waiting to hand him all the instruments of destruction he needs.

#2 –  Never Be Seen Without Your Lab Coat On

Can you think of a good mad scientist who didn’t wear a white lab coat?

#1 – Do Crazy Science Shit

This goes without saying.  Obviously, for legal reasons, I can’t advise you to use science for the purposes of global domination but…you know, it’s pretty much what mad scientists do so…you know what?  Forget this.  Don’t break the law.  Don’t be a mad scientist.  Be a nice, sane scientist.  Use science to help people.  Don’t be like Dr. Hugo Von Science.  He sucks.

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You Can’t Argue With Science – Zika Virus Might Be Spread Via Oral Sex

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: Seeing as how his mind contains a wealth of scientific information that can be shared with my 3.5 readers, I have decided to let bygones be bygones and reinstate Dr. Hugo Von Science as a Bookshelf Battle columnist.

I’m nothing if not a turner of the other cheek.


Dr. Hugo Returns!

Guten tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!

Dr. Hugo Von Science here, finally out of zie dog house with mein old student Bookshelf Q. Battler and ready to educate you once again with mein column, You Can’t Argue With Science!

You really can’t, can you 3.5 readers? A meteor will always have the upper hand no matter what you do.

Perhaps you might remember me from one of mein many fantastic inventions:

  • The Taco-fier – Save the world by turning trash into tacos.  Yummy and delicious tacos? Nein. It just makes taco shells filled with trash. However, I’m confident that I will be able to turn used syringes and condoms into delicious taco meat by 2035. So many cows will be saved.
  • Hat in a Can – Did you forget your hat today? Just spray one on your stupid head. Mold it to whatever kind of hat you want. Spray yourself a derby, a bowler, or a fedora. The government demands I notify you that spray on hats have caused 999 out of 1,000 lab rats to die horrible deaths involving intense seizures and bowel eruptions but please. You’re a human. You’re much stronger than a stupid mouse.
  • Ninja Socks – Put them on your feet and you will be able to perform death defying ninja like kicks! However, you’ll inevitably lose one in the washing machine and then if you only wear one of them you will only be able to kick like a Rockette, which, though impressive, is not as awesome as kicking like a ninja. Don’t split up your ninja socks. They work best as a set.

Undt last but not least…

  • Das Sun Blocker 3000 – Ha ha.  Ha ha….Muah ha ha! Turn over the world’s riches to me or else mein latest invention will block out the sun for 3,000 years! The world will turn into a frozen wasteland and no one will ever wear a swimsuit ever again! (Let’s be honest many of you shouldn’t have been wearing one to begin with and…woopsie! I wasn’t supposed to mention this doohickey just yet.)

Anyhoodles, das Zika virus!

Those pesky little mosquitos have really been wreaking havoc across Brazil, threatening to even ruin the upcoming Olympic Games.

Zika virus can even cause microcephaly which, long story short, can cause women to give birth to babies with small, deformed heads.

Undt now, das news outlets are reporting that scientists believe the virus may even be transmitted through the oral sexenheisen.

To prove that Bookshelf Q. Battler and I have buried das hatchet and set our differences aside, I shall now relay all the jokes that BQB told me when he heard this discovery:

  • Who would blow a mosquito?
  • Great, yet another excuse for women to avoid polishing the pickle.
  • A little head could lead to a baby with a little head. (What? Too soon? Oh stop it and get a sense of humor.)

Finally, 3.5 readers, scientists have even suggested that deep kissing could lead to the Zika virus.

So, as if you all didn’t have enough to worry about, watch out for those mosquitos and also, what you’re putting in your pie hole, you terrible, terrible perverts.

Dr. Hugo Von Science is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s Science Correspondent, as well as an Esteemed Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University. Additionally, he may or may not be a mad scientist attempting to conquer the world through the power of science in his spare time.

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You Can’t Argue with Science – Should BQB Forgive Dr. Hugo Von Science?

By:  Dr. Hugo Von Science, Illustrious Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University

NOTE:  Last October, Dr. Hugo Von Science, BQB’s former mentor, esteemed professor and Bookshelf Battle columnist, startled the world when he caused a zombie outbreak in East Randomtown.

As you 3.5 readers may recall, this led to a month long  romp in which BQB had to interview a different author of zombie fiction every day for thirty one days.

Here now is Dr. Hugo’s apology:



Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!

Dr. Hugo Von Science here after a long hiatus mit mein column, “You Can’t Argue With Science!”

You really can’t, can you, mein leibchen?  Have you ever tried to carry on a heated debate with a spore mold sample?  Nothing happens whatsoever.  It’s infuriating how spore mold samples give you the cold shoulder.  Bunch of dummpkoffs if you ask me.

Perhaps you remember me from of mein fine inventions:

  • The Kanye-fizer – Don’t have the courage to stand up and declare yourself the greatest?  One zap from mein Kanye-fizer and you vill be snatching awards from your coworkers in no time.
  • The Swift-i-fier – Tired of being das boring wallflower?  One zap and everyone vill be thinking about you 24/7 though when asked to vocalize a reason as to why no one vill be able to come up with a reason.  I’m a scientist, not a miracle worker.
  • The Minajanator – Baffle your friends by keeping them on their toes.  One second you’re kind und sweet, the next you’re screaming bloody murder.  Fun at parties!

And finally, who could forget…

  • Das Discofier – All world leaders must bow down before me or the masses vill be grabbing their crotches and pointing rapidly into the air until the end of time!  Muah ha…muah ha ha….MUAH HA HA!  Woopsie.  That one isn’t quite perfected yet.  Forget you heard about that one.

Good to see you again, Herr. 3.5 readers.  As you can imagine, Bookshelf Q. Battler and I have been on the outs ever since the little kerfuffle in East Randomtown last October.

Gadzooks, “accidentally” cause one little zombie outbreak and all of a sudden you’re persona non grata.

I don’t know what BQB’s problem is.  Das people of the world have forgiven me.  POTUS has pardoned me.  The Advanced Science Institute of Science University welcomed me back.  Even Hollywood admitted that all of those reality stars I zombified were easily replaceable.  Buses full of jerk faces willing to debase themselves on camera arrive in Tinsel Town every hour on the hour.

As for East Randomtown…vell, yes it now looks like it was torn apart by zombies but in my defense, that town was so full of losers that it looked like it was torn apart by zombies even before it was torn apart by zombies.  If anything, the zombie attack was an improvement.

Did I mean to cause a zombie attack?  No.  Not at all.  Sometimes in science, inventions fail.  Sometimes contraptions do not work out as planned.  Sometimes you accidentally end up causing a zombie outbreak that causes thousands of people to die terrible deaths at the hands of brain devouring undead abominations.

Everyone has forgiven me but you, BQB.  I hope you can find it in your heart to do so someday.  This idea you’ve concocted in your head that I’m an evil mad scientist trying to take over the world is ridiculous.  I have always been and continue to be the world’s most beloved science ambassador, the one and only Dr. Hugo Von Science.


JA – Shit happens.  Anyone could have just as easily caused a zombie apocalypse and just look at that guy.  He’s so kooky and lovable.  If anything, BQB should thank him because it led to him interviewing #31ZombieAuthors.

NEIN – He caused a damn zombie apocalypse on purpose!  I don’t care how awesome he is, he is clearly a mad scientist who is attempting to take over the world in his spare time.  This whole “I’m a nice man who teaches people about science” stuff is just a rouse.


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Dr. Hugo Von Science, a Distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University, is wanted for questioning in connection to the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse.

A source close to the investigation informs NN1’s Hot Ass Blonde Chick Reporter that Dr. Von Science has not been named an official suspect at this time, but it is believed he may have information as to how the undead outbreak occurred.

Dr. Von Science’s distinguishing characteristics include:

  • Lab coat and blackout goggles – he never leaves home without them.
  • Refers to everyone as, “mein leipshin.”
  • Often seen carrying around beakers of suspicious fluid.  Some claim they contain highly corrosive acid.  Others believe he just likes to drink soda out of beakers.

Authorities advise you to not approach Dr. Hugo Von Science if you see him, as he is believed to have approximately 3-5 “Incredible Exploding Chinchillas” on his person at all times and isn’t afraid to use them.

Next up on Network News One…which brand of lunch meat is giving you syphilis?  Put that sandwich down until after these commercial messages, sports, and weather…

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You Can’t Argue With Science – Super Blood Moon Eclipse

By:  Dr. Hugo Von Science, Prestigious Science Professor

The Most Trusted Name in Science

The Most Trusted Name in Science

Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 readers!

Dr. Hugo Von Science here mit mein column, “You Can’t Argue With Science.”  You really can’t, can you mein leipshin?  Go on.  Pick a fight mit a telescope and see what happens.  Nothing.

Perhaps you remember me from one of mein amazing inventions:

  • Decrapitrexen – the miracle cure that eliminates the need for bowel eliminations, or zie poopen squirtzen as the layman might say.  Still in zie tweaking phase as zie test chimps have been exploding at a rapid pace because you know, zie laws of physics require that what goes in must either come out or make with zie bing bang boom.
  • Cat Deodorant – makes all felines smell like fresh boysenberries, but good luck spritzing it under their furry armpits.
  • Das Cheaten-engine – Just sold it to mein good friends at Volkswagen.  What?  Did something go wrong?  I haven’t been watching the news.

Undt last but not least:

  • The Shark Slinger – Ha…ha ha…MUAH HA HA!!!  All nations must bow down before me or else I will rain down a furious storm of sharks across the globe and…WOOPSIE!  That one’s not quite perfected yet.  Mein bad.

Anyhoodles, just a quick column to remind Herr 3.5 readers of two things:

  • Super Blood Moon Eclipse – It’s happening tonight.  The moon will turn red and then go into eclipse.  It won’t happen again until 2033 (by which time our robot overlords won’t allow any of us outside) so please, mein leipshin, turn off zie TV and dragenzie asses outside to catch this miracle of science!
  • The Reality TV Star Transmogrifier – I’ll be holding an exhibition of mein latest invention this Thursday at the East Randomtown Mall.  You know, zie one with only three operational stores left and zie rest of zie place looks like a ghost town thanks to e-commerce.  Reality stars will be on hand to help me test mein latest invention, which changes them from useless wastes of space who just do nothing all day while cameras follow them around into productive members of society and not zombies at all.  Don’t worry, mein leipshin.  Nothing could possibly go wrong.  After all, I am Dr. Hugo Von Science, Distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University, not to mention, zie most trusted name in science.

Dr. Hugo Von Science is a Distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University. He has patented over a bazillion inventions and may or may not be attempting to conquer the world in his spare time. His column, “You Can’t Argue with Science” is a recurring feature on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

The management of the East Randomtown Mall would like to remind BQB’s 3.5 readers that everyone is welcome to attend Dr. Hugo’s demonstration this Thursday, free of charge.  It’s perfectly safe and absolutely no one will be turned into zombies.  

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31 Zombie Authors – What Questions Do You Have?

The authors of zombie books or “zombie authors” are starting to express interest.

As you recall, this October, Bookshelf Battle will briefly become “Spookyshelf Battle” and if all goes to plan, 31 authors of zombie books will provide me with daily advice on how to escape the zombie apocalypse that will descend upon East Randomtown due to a Dr. Hugo Von Science experiment gone awry.

What questions do you have for our esteemed zombie author guests, oh wise 3.5 readers?


Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!

Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!

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You Can’t Argue With Science: Why is there an extra “leap” second this year?

By:  Dr. Hugo Von Science, Esteemed Professor of Science at the Advance Science Institute of Science University 

Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!

Dr. Hugo Von Science here mit mein column, “You Can’t Argue With Science.”

Dr. Hugo Von Science

Dr. Hugo Von Science

It really is futile, mein leipshin.  Go on. Argue with a petri dish and see where it gets you.  Nowhere, that’s where.

Perhaps you remember me from one of mein amazing inventions:

  • The Duck Cannon – The most powerful firearm available for the purpose of launching water foul into orbit (or at your opponents).  Not to be confused with:
  • The “Duck!  Cannon!” – A special monitor you can wear that will shout a warning for you to take cover whenever a cannon of any kind is fired at you.  Also not to be confused with:
  • The “Duck!  Duck Cannon!”  – Similar to the second invention, but it only warns you when the first invention is fired at you.  Really mein leipshin, if you want a money saving tip, just buy the second one as it warns of all types of cannon fire, water foul or otherwise.

Undt last but not least:

  • Das Zombiefier – Provide me with all the gold bullion in the world or I shall unleash an army of the undead on the masses and…woopsie!  Mein bad, this one is classified.

Anyhoo, perhaps you’ve heard there is an extra second this year.

“Why is there an extra second, Dr. Hugo?”

Oh thank you, mein herrs undt frauleins, I thought you’d never ask.

I’ll try to dumb it down for you because I understand that not everyone is lucky enough to have the brain power necessary to be a distinguished professor at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University.

Let me break it down for you:

  • The Earth.  Perhaps you’ve heard of it?  It is the big marble you live on.  Please try to keep up.
  • There are approximately 86,400 seconds in a day.
  • One day = the time it takes the Earth to complete a rotation.
  • The Earth’s rotation is what allows day and night to occur.  Generally speaking, for part of the day, wherever you are is being exposed to the sun, and for the other part, your corner of the world is away from the sun and in the dark.  (There are certain areas where more dark or more light occurs than usual.)
  • Sometimes the Earth gets a little sluggish and takes a little longer to rotate, thus requiring an extra second.
  • Sluggishness occurs for a variety of reasons, but mostly because some of your, not naming any names, need to cut back on the extra helpings of strudel (I’m looking at you 1.5th reader).

More importantly, you might be asking:

Dr. Hugo, what can I do with my extra leap second?

Frankly, mein leipshin, there’s literally only one meaningful thing you can do in a second, and that’s reblog, retweet, or otherwise share a link to one of your favorite posts on the blog of mein former student, the illustrious Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Why waste that extra second on foolish things like waxing your toenail clipping collection when you can help BQB achieve worldwide fame and fortune?

America, your extra leap second will come tonight (Tuesday) at 8 p.m. so go on, use that teensy weensy insignificant morsel of time to help make a nerd’s dream come true.

Be honest.  You were just going to use it to post a picture of what you ate for dinner on Das Fazenbookzen anyway.

Nobody cares what you ate, Herr 3.5.  Nobody cares.

Dr. Hugo Von Science is a Distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University. He has patented over a bazillion inventions and may or may not be attempting to conquer the world in his spare time. His column, “You Can’t Argue with Science” is a recurring feature on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

Mad scientist photo courtesy of shutterstock.com

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You Can’t Argue With Science: The Science of Love!

Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 readers!

Dr. Hugo Von Science

Dr. Hugo Von Science

It is I, Dr. Hugo Von Science, back to once again prove that if you try to argue with science, you vill totally lose.  It’s impossible, mein leipshin.  Try arguing with a microscope sometime.  It can’t be done.

Perhaps you remember me from one of mein fabulous inventions:

  • The Aerodynamic Ice Cream Cone – allows astronauts to eat rocky road in zero gravity without spilling un single drop.  Also comes in rum raisin, boysenberry, tutti frutti, und mein favorite, moose tracks mit extra rainbow sprinkles.
  • Vacuum Sealed Pants – Just put them on, attach the vac-o-matic, turn on for five seconds and nothing gets in or out.  (Just don’t eat anything for 6 hours prior to wearing these bad boys, mein leipshin, we had a few incidents with lab monkeys exploding when they got a little gassy.
  • The Beyonce-a-fier – Makes any woman look and sound exactly like Beyonce.  Early test results indicate it will save 10 out 10 marriages.  Don’t worry, frauleins.  The Tatum-izer is coming soon.  Divorce vill be a thing of the past!

And last but not least…

  • The Meteor Magnet – Yes!  All will bow down before Dr. Von Science or I vill cause a giant meteor to hurtle towards Earth and….woopsie!  I’ve said too much.

Anyhow, have you been reading along with Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life?  Mein former student has undertaken quite an adventure, and has even met a fraulein!  Good for him!

I know what you’re about to say.  “Dr. Hugo, what do you know about love?  Love has nothing to do with science!”

Malarkey, says I!  It has everything to do with science.  Think about all the scientific subjects that come into play when selecting a person to love:

  • Chemistry – not in the “mix chemicals in a lab beaker” sense (though I did create mein first wife that way) but in the hormonal sense.  When you see that special someone and that little person in the back of your mind starts shouting, “Yah, yah!” that’s the result of all kinds of bodily chemicals und juices being fired to and fro through your system.  I’d explain more, but you’d need a Prestigious Degree in Science from the Science Institute of Science University to understand.
  • Biology – Sort of tied to chemistry, in this case.  On the plains of the Sarenghetti, why does one gazelle see another gazelle and think, “Mein Got, what an attractive gazelle?”  Science!
  • Psychology – Everyone’s head is wired differently.  What one person finds attractive will be seen as blah by another.  Success, security, stability, companionship, status – all these factors come in to play and often compete against each other inside an herr or fraulein’s knogan.  For example, everyone might think the herr mit a flashy fraulein on his harm might be a cool dude, thus increasing his social status.  However, if the fraulein is wild and crazy, she might not have much interest in a stable relationship.

Oh vell, I’m glad Bookshelf Q. Battler has found a fraulein but I hope he doesn’t screw it up the way he did when I allowed him to be my assistant on the Incredible Exploding Chinchilla project.  Time will tell and we’ll have to read on before we find out.

But why not refresh our memories first?




BQB’s epic adventure returns tomorrow, mein leipshin!  Come back to the Bookshelf Battle Blog!  Be there or be un square!

Dr. Hugo Von Science is a Distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University.  He has patented over a bazillion inventions and may or may not be attempting to conquer the world in his spare time.  His column, “You Can’t Argue with Science” is a recurring feature on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

Mad scientist photo courtesy of shutterstock.com

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