Hello 3.5 readers. BQB here
Have you ever wondered how you can become a mad scientist, just like my former mentor/current frenemy, the illustrious Dr. Hugo Von Scientist?
Of course you have. Therefore, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Ways You Can Become a Mad Scientist, Just Like Doctor Hugo Von Science:
#10 – Laugh Maniacally Over Everything…
…especially when the world gives you the slightest advantage. Drive-thru gave you an extra large fry instead of the small you ordered at no additional cost?
That’s not just a win. That’s a reason to laugh maniacally. “Yes, with the energy these extra fried potatoes, I shall conquer the world! Muah ha ha ha!”
#9 – Always Monologue
It’s not just enough to laugh maniacally. You must also spell out the advantage you received that made you laugh in a maniacal manner. See above where you explain why getting extra fries helps you.
#8 – Always Have a Plan for World Domination
Mad scientists often begin as regular scientists who feel their genius is unappreciated. After years of study, they tend to receive years of neglect with no one giving them so much as a pat on the back for a job well done when it comes to their science-ing. Thus, they become jaded and turn their science skills toward evil instead of good.
In fact, hug a scientist today. You never know. You might just stave of a plot for global domination by doing so.
#7 – Have a Lair
Could be your basement, an abandoned warehouse, any rusty old claptrap will do.
#6 – Have Many Bubbling Potions
It’s not really a good idea to leave poisonous chemicals lying around, but you should at least give the appearance to the world that you don’t give an F. Maybe just fill up some beakers full of Mountain Dew and Diet Shasta Orange.
You know what? Skip this part. Don’t do it. Don’t mess with chemicals or even pretend to. My lawyer says I can’t afford that kind of hassle.
#5 – Be German
The best mad scientists are always German. Stereotype? Maybe. Leftover fear of Nazi experiments gone awry? Surely. All I know is that if you are German or can fake a good German accent, you will move up to the very tip top of the mad scientist game.
Deny all you want but you’ve never heard of a famous mad scientist who sounded like he was from North Dakota, have you? “Ohh yah, I’m gonna take over the world, don’t you know?”
Nope. Never happens.
#4 – Have Crazy Hair
Dr. Hugo does not have crazy hair but you should. The crazier the better. Your hair should always look like it was destroyed by your latest experiment.
#3 – Have a Pet Sidekick
Really, a mad scientist is not complete without a chimpanzee nearby waiting to hand him all the instruments of destruction he needs.
#2 – Never Be Seen Without Your Lab Coat On
Can you think of a good mad scientist who didn’t wear a white lab coat?
#1 – Do Crazy Science Shit
This goes without saying. Obviously, for legal reasons, I can’t advise you to use science for the purposes of global domination but…you know, it’s pretty much what mad scientists do so…you know what? Forget this. Don’t break the law. Don’t be a mad scientist. Be a nice, sane scientist. Use science to help people. Don’t be like Dr. Hugo Von Science. He sucks.