Tag Archives: zombies

Zom Fu – Chapter 1

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Although he didn’t look a day over a hundred years of age, legend has it that Yaozu, the Nineteenth Infallible Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw, was approaching his one-thousandth year when he called upon his four most impressive disciples to assemble in the Tower of Masters Past.

“Wonderful,” the perpetually well-groomed Bohai said. “Just wonderful. How many more afternoons must we waste listening to that insufferable old fool babble on?”

Junjie brushed one of his long, black locks out of his eyes, then glared at his fellow student. “Show some respect.”

“Me?” Bohai asked as he clutched his chest in an overdramatic effort to feign surprise. “What about my precious time? Where is the master’s respect for that?

At the end of the line stood Niu, a big bald beast of a man who spoke in a booming baritone. “We are where we are meant to be. If we weren’t meant to be here at this very moment, then we wouldn’t be here.”

“Oh spare me your fatalist nonsense,” Bohai said.

“If you are meant to be spared then you will be,” Niu replied.

Bohai sighed. “I’m surrounded by imbeciles.”

Junjie leaned forward and craned his neck to the right, thus allowing himself a brief glimpse of the beautiful young woman standing between Bohai and Niu. Alas, the handsome hero only caught a quick peak at Mei-Ling’s enchanting eyes before his field of vision was blocked by Bohai’s pompous puss.

“Oggling our sister-in arms when we are supposed to be waiting for the master’s wisdom? Tsk, tsk, Junjie. Where is YOUR respect?”

In that moment, Bohai’s smarmy mug looked so punchable, but Junjie knew the master would not approve. So he used his words instead.

“It’s up your ass,” Junjie said.

Bohai’s face contorted with anger. He sputtered. He stammered. His mouth puckered as if it had just tasted a sour lemon. He was about to give Junjie a vigorous tongue lashing when he was interrupted by a gruff, gravelly voice.

“That’s the last place I would expect to find respect.”

The four thoroughly shocked disciples turned around to find the master had been standing behind them for quite some time. They balled their right hands into fists, punched their left hands, then bowed. The master did the same.

The Infallible Master wore a flowing white robe to match his long white hair and beard. He walked slowly with his back hunched over and rested his weight on a finely crafted cane, the length of which was constructed out of shimmering jade. A red ruby at the top served as a grip for the master to hold on to.

“Master,” Bohai said as his face turned crimson. “Why, I was just extolling your virtues but these three refused to hear of it…”

The master grinned and rested a boney hand on Bohai’s shoulder. “It’s all right, my son. I too was once a young man who considered all old men to be fools. Just know that old fools have ears that work better than you might think.”

The old man surveyed his students.

“Junjie,” the master said. “So gallant. So brave. And yet, I sense much self-doubt in you. Why you do not believe in yourself, I do not know, for your skills are formidable.”

“I doubt I have the intelligence to figure out why I am so doubtful,” Junjie replied.

The master flashed Junjie a deadpan glare until the young fighter said, “Oh right.  I’ll work on it.”

The master moved on. “Bohai.”

“Master?”

“No master can lead efficiently if he is surrounded by sycophants who only tell him what he wants to hear,” the master said. “You are a contrarian prick who would argue the sky is orange if I were to say it is blue, but I would not have it any other way.”

“Funny you mention that,” Bohai said as he wagged a finger at the master, “Because as it so happens, there are a few changes I’d like to make around here…”

“Not now, assface,” the master said as he moved on.

The master gazed at the most alluring member of the quartet. “Darling Mei-Ling. Your beauty and grace are matched only by your determination.”

Mei-Ling nodded.

“I can only imagine what horrors you saw as a child when Dragonhand destroyed your village.”

Mei-Ling nodded again.

“But it is my hope that one day you may learn to live with a past that cannot be undone, for only then will you feel comfortable enough to speak again.”

Mei-Ling frowned.

“Find your voice,” the master said as he gripped Mei-Ling’s shoulder. “For I know you have much to say and the world will benefit greatly to hear it.”

Mei-Ling smiled sheepishly.

The master stood before the fourth disciple. “Niu. You are big as an ox and twice as loyal.”

“If that is what I am, then that is what I am,” Niu replied.

“Yes,” the master said. “And while I applaud your ability to accept the twists and turns that fate inevitably throws our way, I hope in time you will realize that fate merely sets up the words on a page. How we arrange those words is up to us.”

“If I am to figure that out then I will, master,” Niu said.

The master took a step back and looked at the entire group.

“Like all of this clan’s disciples since time immemorial, the four of you were brought to this sanctuary as orphans. Some of you were unwanted and unloved. Others were wanted and very much loved by parents who left this world too soon. Time is as fast as a leopard and twice as cunning, for sooner or later, it sneaks up on everyone, even your master. I recall when you were all mere babes and now you stand before me, having learned all I am able to teach you.”

The master’s face turned grave. His eyes looked weary.

“And though I have been blessed with an entire millennium,” the master said as he tapped the end of his staff on the floor. “I have learned that my fire will soon grow dim and burn out.”

A single tear rolled down Junjie’s cheek. “Master, what are you saying?”

The master took his hand off the top of his staff, gripped it by the mid-section, and raised it high into the air. In doing so, the group was fascinated to see that the ruby was glowing bright red.

“The Staff of Ages has indicated to me that the time to select the Twentieth Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw has come.”

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Introducing Zom Fu

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Yes, I know I have a ridiculous amount of irons in the fire aka half finished stories.

Yes, I know I should stop doing that.

I love kung fu movies.  I love zombies.  I was inspired.  I will most definitely finish and publish everything I have started, but I think my first novel really needs to be “clean” or as clean (clean as in not dirty) and this is as clean as I get.

So behold, Zom Fu, a send up of cheesy kung fu movie tropes and also, zombies.

My thought is perhaps over the next year or so I can release a Zom Fu novel, then a Zombie Western and go back and forth.

I know.  I’m all over the place.  I’m sorry.  Let me know what you think.

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BQB’s Walking Dead Recap – Episode 706 – “Swear”

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Hello 3.5 zombie apocalypse survivors.

Your old pal BQB here.

Boy howdy am I behind on The Walking Dead.

I blame the Yeti.  That furry douche never lets me do anything.

If you’ve seen beyond this episode, I’d appreciate it if you don’t spoil anything.  If you haven’t seen up to this episode, look away as things will be spoiled for you.

So this was an episode for Tara’s character to really shine.  That’s done from time to time, where a bit player is given their own episode and we learn more about him/her.

Here, we learn that Tara relies on a good sense of humor.

She’s taken captive by a group of females.  I was hoping there would be an awesome backstory to this.  Maybe they’re a bunch of man hating Amazon lesbian warriors who take advantage of the zompoc to create their own lesbian warrior enclave but alas, no, that’s not the case at all.

What was here friend’s name?  The guy with the dreads?  P?  Pete?  I don’t know.  Notice that zombie we are led to think might be him was wearing a dress though and there are some tracks next to his broken glasses.

So either What’s-his-name was zombified and then someone came along and put a dress on his zombified body or more likely, a woman who looks like him was zombified and he was able to escape.

We’ll find out.

There’s a part where Tara could be all about herself but she thinks of the greater good and of those who helped her so…that’s nice.  Moments like that don’t happen often.

The goofy sunglasses said it all really.

I have two more episodes to catch up on!

 

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Would a Zombie Apocalypse Really Be That Bad?

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Hey 3.5 readers.

Blasphemy for a zombie nerd to say this, but sometimes I wonder if a zombie apocalypse would be as bad as they are portrayed on television.

Don’t get me wrong.  A zompoc would be awful.  However, I feel like the government has all kinds of contingency plans on what to do if America is invaded and what with police and army and everything I feel like the zombies could be fended off.

Sure, it would be a disaster.  Many would die, have their brains eaten and end up undead.  I’m just not convinced that people would instantly drop everything when the first zombie wave hits.

Yes, our public officials, politicians and so on make us worry sometimes but I think they would stick around to coordinate things and I don’t think the army, police, first responders etc would give up without a fight.

Then again. I could be wrong.  Everyone might see a zombie and crap themselves.

Even if the world were to descend into an apocalyptic state, I feel like there is a lot of knowledge in people’s brains, such that rebuilding might not be as difficult as imagined.  Surely there would be more to life than just wandering from town to town to see which abandoned stores still have old boxes of candy and twinkles to feast on.

Hell, the Ancient Romans built some impressive buildings and did great things with very little compared to what we have today.  You, the average reader, could take the knowledge in your modern brain and go back to ancient times and live like a King.

Or could you?  I suppose you’d have to have the skills needed to take the knowledge in your brain and make it happen in real life.

I don’t know.  I could be wrong.  Maybe without the whole system in place now we’d all just end up acting like a bunch of dummies and be screwed.

Maybe I have too much faith in people.  Then again.  Maybe I don’t.  I hope we never find out what a zombie apocalypse would be like in real life as there would be way too many zombies.

FYI the Yeti just reminded me that I did live through a zombie apocalypse that was better known at the time as the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse, the terrible ordeal in which #31ZombieAuthors assisted me and gave me the advice I needed to pull myself out of a jam.

I’m sorry.  I’m very forgetful when I’m under Yeti control.  So yes, to answer my question, people are stupid and a zombie apocalypse would be awful as the zombies would eat everyone and then everyone not eaten would do stupid things.

Ergo, this post was pointless.  My bad.

But tell me what you think anyway, 3.5

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BQB’s Walking Dead Recap – Season 7, Episode 4 – “Service”

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Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

SPOILERS!

So tonight was all about auditing and accounting, normally very boring subjects, but when there are two missing guns, Neegan sends Rick and the gang on a wild goose chase looking for them.

A big reveal about Judith and Maggie looks like she’s up to something.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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BQB’s Walking Dead Recap – Season 7, Episode 3 – “The Cell”

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Oh, I’m on Easy Street, la dee de Easy Street…

Daryl is in Neegan jail, punished with dog food sandwiches, solitary confinement, beatings and “Easy Street” playing on a continuous loop non-stop.

Neegan monologues way too much but Daryl is showing the mental toughness he needs to get out of this situation.

Will Dwight remain loyal to Neegan or will he team up with Daryl?

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Remember the Zombamo – Chapter 13

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Wright’s shot came nowhere near Bowie.

“Ha,” Bowie said. “You couldn’t hit a tap-dancing elephant if it were right in front of you. Let’s call it a draw and…”

Bam.

Marvin Blanchard fired. His shot was true. Bowie dropped to his knees and clutched his stomach. Blood oozed out of the wound, staining his white shirt red.

Bowie aimed at Wright, but before he could pull the trigger, the knifeman fell face first into the sand.

“Foul play, sir!” Doctor Maddox shouted.

Wright clocked the old man in the face with the butt of his pistol. Blood smeared teeth popped out of the doctor’s mouth as he fell.

The old man struggled to stand up only to have his throat stomped on by Wright’s boot heel.

“I never did care for you, Maddox,” Wright said as he put his weight down on his heel to crush the old man’s wind pipe. “Don’t you know that standing up for a lost cause is a good way to get yourself killed?”

Bowie was up. Blood poured out of his stomach. He was soaked in it. He drew his knife and staggered towards the sheriff.

Bam!

Chester fired a shot that landed in Bowie’s left shoulder. Unfazed, Bowie hurled his blade with great accuracy through the air. It landed in Chester’s heart, killing the younger Blanchard brother instantly.

Bowie fought through the pain and lunged at Wright, tackling him to the ground.

The sheriff and the knifeman traded blows. Bowie managed to straddle Wright and was about to bring his fist down on his opponent’s face when Marvin smashed the butt of his gun down on the back of Bowie’s head.

To Marvin’s surprise, Bowie did not fall. As if he were some kind of immortal monster, Bowie stood up.

Confirming Doctor Maddox’s earlier suspicions, Marvin twisted the end of his cane and withdrew a thin, pointy rapier.

Bowie threw a fist at Marvin. Marvin ducked, but cut a wide slash across Bowie’s abdomen.
Bowie staggered over to Chester’s carcass and pulled his knife out of the dead man’s chest.

Clang! Bowie and Marvin became locked in a vicious sword fight. Bowie slashed Marvin’s arm.

Marvin drove his rapier into Bowie’s stomach.

Bowie looked Marvin in the eyes. “You think…”

Blood sputtered out of Bowie’s mouth. “…it makes you a big man…to do that shit heel’s dirty work?”

“A job’s a job,” Marvin replied as he pushed the rapier deeper into Bowie’s guts.

Bowie gritted his teeth. His face turned red. There was a look of shock and amazement in Marvin’s eyes as Bowie plunged his knife into Marvin’s chest.

“Some jobs aren’t worth doing,” Bowie said as he pulled his knife out of Marvin’s chest. “If the man in charge isn’t worth shit.”

Marvin’s body fell to the ground, cutting Bowie further as the rapier that had pierced his stomach became dislodged.

Wright stabbed Bowie in the back with a pocket knife.

Bowie turned around as if he’d just been tickled. He glared at Wright.

“I told you not to miss,” Bowie said.

Wright stabbed Bowie again.

“Why won’t you die?” Wright asked.

In one swift motion, Bowie slashed his blade across Wright’s throat. It opened up nicely, coating Bowie’s face with a misty blood spray.

Wright grabbed at his neck in vain, then fell to the ground.

Bowie dropped to his knees, right beside his latest victim’s body.

“Because you’d like that too much,” Bowie said as he raised his knife high into the air. With both hands on the handle, Bowie used all of his strength to bring the blade down into Wright’s chest, ending his opponent once and for all.

Dizzy and delirious, Bowie shouted out. “Doc! Doc?”

Too many wounds. Too much blood lost. Bowie passed out and collapsed into the sand.

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Remember the Zombamo – Chapter 12

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In the middle of the Mississippi River, a sandbar arose from the water. It wasn’t quite large enough to be considered an island, but it formed a long, straight line and thus had been the spot of choice for southern duelists for over a century.

Bowie stood on the bar and pulled a rowboat ashore. Dr. Maddox squinted as the sun beat down upon him. The old man poked his cane into the sand and once he was assured of steady ground, he stepped out of the boat and onto shore.

“An obvious trap,” Dr. Maddox said. “This far out of the public eye, Wright will be free to engage in all manner of chicanery and yet still proudly proclaim himself the unsullied victor.”

Wright and the Blanchard brothers, Marvin and Chester, walked over to greet the new arrivals.

“I’m surprised you showed, Mister Bowie,” Wright said.

“I was hoping you wouldn’t, Wright,” Bowie replied as he chewed on a wad of tobacco. “Shame to have another dead man on my conscience. I get so little sleep as it is.”

The Blanchards were a pair of skinny looking reprobates. Dirt beards. Missing teeth. Though they looked as though they had forgotten to bathe for years, they did remember to bring their pistols.

“What’s the deal with these two snakes?” Bowie said. “I only brought a second because I didn’t know there would be thirds.”

Wright slapped Marvin on the back. “Mister Marvin Blanchard shall be my second. He and his brother are inseparable and Chester is here merely to observe.”

“The whole point of a second is to observe,” Bowie said. “You get two men to make sure shit is fair and I only get one?”

The sheriff snickered. “I’m sure Dr. Maddox makes up for this discrepancy with the vast experience he has incurred through his advanced age.”

Maddox smiled and nodded, then put his arm around Bowie. “Yes, yes. Let us make fun of the old man. Pardon me sheriff, a moment with my colleague if you will.”

“Take your time,” Wright said. “I dare say Mister Bowie doesn’t have much of it left.”

Wright and the Blanchards laughed as Maddox prodded Bowie to step out of Wright’s earshot.

“Walk away from this,” Maddox said.

“Don’t start that bullshit again,” Bowie replied.
“Tell me, do the Blanchards strike you as proper gentlemen?” Wright asked.

Bowie looked dumbfounded, as though he’d just been told a joke but missed the punchline. “No?”

“Of course they do not,” Maddox said. “Then why are they strutting about with canes?”

“I don’t know,” Bowie said. “They’re putting on airs.”

“My boy,” Maddox said as he rested his hands on the knifeman’s shoulders. “I implore you to apologize to the sheriff, leave immediately and purge this incident from your mind as though it never happened.”

Bowie shook the old man’s hands off and marched towards Wright. “Let’s get this over with.”

Wright snapped his fingers, prompting Marvin to open up the lid of a velvet lined wooden case. Inside the box was a set of pearl handled dueling pistols.

“Heirlooms that have been in my family for quite some time,” Wright said. “Cleaned, loaded and ready for your inspection, doctor.”

Doctor Maddox took a pistol out of the box and squinted through his spectacles at it. He stretched out his arm and took aim at the water. Once satisfied, he lowered the weapon and handed it to Bowie.

“It is in proper order,” Maddox said.

“Mister Bowie,” Wright said. “I assure you that the shot I too last night was a rare fluke. I am an accomplished marskman.”

“Really?” Bowie asked. “Because I got the impression that you can’t shoot for shit.”

Wright leered at Bowie. Clearly, the titled gentleman was holding back an urge to strangle the commoner.

“Yes, well,” Wright said. “It would be unsporting of me to not offer you one last chance to rectify this matter with words instead of pistols. Will you apologize to me for your vile remarks?”

Bowie made a look as though he were deep in thought. He chewed on his tobacco, then spit an odious, disgustingly brown loogie that landed at Wright’s feet.

“Can’t say that I will.”

Doctor Maddox sighed.

“Very well,” Wright said. “Shall we say, back to back, ten paces, turn and fire?”

“If you say so,” Bowie replied.

With pistols in hand, Bowie and Wright arranged themselves back to back.

Doctor Maddox stood alone. The Blanchard brothers watched from the other side.

“Count us off,” Wright commanded.

Dutiful lackey that he was, Marvin began counting. “One…two…three…”

Each man remained straight shouldered, their chests puffed out as they stepped away from one another in time.

“…four….five…six…seven…eight…”

To Doctor Maddox’s great dismay, Wright turned before the count reached nine.

“James!” the old man cried.

Bowie turned. Wright fired.

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Remember the Zombamo – Chapter 11

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A shirtless Bowie sat in a rickety chair in the residence of the esteemed Dr. Thomas Maddox, a decrepit old man with a withered face, spectacles, and a lengthy white beard.

The good doctor’s hands trembled.  In an effort to calm his nerves, he took a belt of whiskey, then for good measure, dropped a splash of the good stuff on his patient’s arm wound.

“Ow.”

“Oh hush,” Dr. Maddox said as he pushed a needle into Bowie’s skin, then worked a piece of thread through the nasty cut. “I should hate to see the other fellow.”

“Depends on which fellow,” Bowie said. “The man who took the bullet meant for me is stone dead.”

“And the man who fired?” the doctor asked.

“Norris Wright.”

“Ah,” Dr. Maddox said. “You and that big mouth of yours.”

“What?”

“Word that you accosted the sheriff’s reputation had infiltrated my ears as of late,” Dr. Maddox said as he squinted at the stitches he was making. “I assumed it would only be a matter of time before he challenged you to a duel.”

“I accepted,” Bowie said.

The good doctor sighed. “Of course you did.”

“What of it?” Bowie asked.

Dr. Maddox examined his patient’s back. A healed over bullet wound. A number of slashes and scrapes.

“So many scars,” Dr. Maddox said. “I should hate to be your guardian angel.”

“Huh?”

“It may sound like poppycock,” the doctor said. “But I believe that every man has an angel looking after him.”

As soon as the wound was stitched shut, the doctor pulled on the thread tightly, then snipped off the end of the thread with a pair of scissors.

“You might consider putting your life ahead of your ego, my boy,” Dr. Maddox said. “You might live longer and your angel will thank you.”

Bowie grabbed the doctor’s bottle, took a swig, then set it down. “It’s not about ego. It’s about honor.”

“It’s about a set up,” Dr. Maddox said.

“A what?” Bowie asked.

Dr. Maddox stroked his beard. “James, you do have a knack for charging head first into a mess as though you were a rabid rhinoceros, oblivious to all consequences, concerned only in the imminent moment and not day after.

“Stop speaking gibberish old man.”

The doctor snipped the end off of a cigar, held it over a lit candle, then puffed on it. He inhaled, exhaled, coughed, then spoke again.

“Dueling is a gentleman’s sport,” Dr. Maddox said. “And you, lad, are no gentleman.”

Bowie scoffed. “What’s that got to do with a hill of beans, old man? I’m just as good as those fancy fucks. I’ve wheeled and dealed my way into more money than they’ve got, that’s for damn sure.”

“You have,” Dr. Maddox said. “But I resubmit the fact that you are no gentleman.”

The patient put on his shirt and buttoned it up.

“You see,” Dr. Maddox said. “When our forefathers took up arms against the British and drove their cursed hides from this land, it was assumed that the concept of royalty exited this country with them.”

“Didn’t it?” Bowie asked.

The doctor winked his left eye. “An aristocracy remains. To be certain, there are no lords, dukes, or princes here but…there are Governors. Senators. Wright, he was once Major Wright and is now Sheriff Wright, though he is free to use both titles interchangeably. And I, of course, have never been one for battlefield combat so I studied until I earned the right to be called ‘Doctor.’”

“What are you getting at?” Bowie asked.

“The titles changed but the titles remain, just the same,” Dr. Maddox said. “Whether you are in Jolly Old England or in the United States of America, if you have a title then you are a gentleman and there are rules for gentlemen.”

Dr. Maddox puffed on his cigar.

“Titled gentlemen obtain and maintain their power through the favors they perform for and receive from other titled gentlemen,” Dr. Maddox explained.
“I could buy and sell the lot of them,” Bowie said.

“No doubt,” Dr. Maddox said. “But you have no title and thus no position, the power of which could be bartered for assistance from other titled men. Thus, you are no gentleman.”

“We’ve established that,” Bowie said.

“Dueling,” Dr. Maddox said. “Is the means by which titled gentlemen regain their good name when it is besmirched by another titled gentleman. As such, gentlemen must follow the rules when squaring off with other gentlemen. But with a commoner such as yourself, Sheriff Wright will be able to violate the sanctity of the duel in any way he pleases and as long as you die, no gentlemen will think ill of him.”

“Sure they would,” Bowie said. “He’d be branded a cheater.”

Dr. Maddox laughed. “Oh my boy,” Dr. Maddox said. “That’s what titled gentlemen do. They sit around in parlors and smoke cigars and imbibe alcohol and plot out their intentions to cheat lowly commoners such as yourself.”

The good doctor noticed the smoke in his hand and the booze on his table, then cleared his throat.

“Naturally, I would never use my title to harm another,” Dr. Maddox said. “But Sheriff Wright would and will and as you hold no title, his fellow gentlemen will heap praise upon him for snuffing out the commoner who dared to speak up against him, rules be damned.”

Bowie’s lungs expelled a sigh of deep, forlorn exasperation. “Fuck.”

“Indeed,” Dr. Maddox said.

“Well,” Bowie said. “There’s nothing I can do about it now.”

“Preposterous,” Dr. Maddox replied. “Of course there is. Do not show up at the duel.”

“Then I’d be yellow,” Bowie said.

“My boy,” Dr. Maddox said. “I have spent eighty some odd years avoiding one fight after another and I assure you, being ‘yellow’ has allowed me to live a long, healthy life.”

Bowie looked around the doctor’s empty house. “What have you got to show for it?”

Now the doctor looked around his sparse home. “Touche.”

Dr. Maddox waved his hand through the air. “I have given you my counsel. Do with it what you will.”

Bowie put on his coat. “Be my second?”

The doctor choked on his smoke. “Don’t be absurd!”

“Every duelist needs a second,” Bowie said.

“And what good would I be to you as a second if you will not heed my advice?” Dr. Maddox asked.

“I don’t know,” Bowie replied. “You could patch me up like you always do?”

Dr. Maddox rubbed his aching cranium. “Oh fine. As we speak I can feel the eyes of your father, who had a head as hot as yours, burning a hole into my soul with his livid eyes, demanding that I assist you. I shall be your second.”

“Much obliged,” Bowie said.

“If only hot headedness could skip a generation,” Dr. Maddox said.

Bowie grinned. “Now where would the fun be in that?”

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Remember the Zombamo – Chapter 10

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“What in the hell are you on about, Wright?”

Wright slid off a pair of black leather gloves as he stepped forward.

“It has been brought to my attention that you have disgraced yourself sir,” Wright said with an air of sophistication.

“Is that so?” Bowie asked.

“It is, sir,” Wright said as he pounded the floor with the end of his cane. “You have been spreading a most scandalous fabrication that has proven to be quite injurious to my character.”

“You’ll have to dumb it down for me, sheriff,” Bowie said. “I don’t speak fop.”

“Did you or did you not state a claim to a collaboration of ruffians that I stole the election?” Wright asked.

“I did,” Bowie replied.

Wright raised his cane in the air. “Aha! So you do not deny that you have slandered me, do you sir?”

“I do deny it,” Bowie said.

“Speak plainly, man,” Wright said. “How can you admit and deny the same offense?”

“I admit that I told a few of my drinking buddies that you stole the election,” Bowie said. “I deny that I slandered you because the truth is not slander.”

Wright gasped. “How dare you sir? You slander me again!”

“Well,” Bowie said. “If the shoe fits…”

The knifeman walked to the bar and ordered a whisky. Wright followed him.

“And now you turn your back on me!”

“What?” Bowie asked as he accepted a full shot glass from Brent. “I thought we were done.”

“Not by a long shot,” Wright said. “Until you publicly retract your villainous lie, this matter will not be put to rest.”

Bowie gulped his shot. “Wright, I personally witnessed those Blanchard boys you got in your back pocket stuffing those ballot boxes with more paper than Tavish’s sister shoves in her brassiere.”

Tavish shook his head up and down, then burped. “It’s true. Old Maude is flatter than a carving board.”

“Look, Wright,” Bowie said. “Everyone knows that the political game is like a hyena’s dick. They’re both crooked and they’re both ugly. I didn’t tell anyone anything they didn’t already know so untwist your knickers, quit your bellyaching, and get out of my face.”

Bowie turned his back on Wright once more, but Wright refused to be ignored. He tapped on Bowie’s shoulder.

The knifeman turned only to be slapped in the face by a pair of gloves.

“I challenge you to a duel, sir!”

Bowie was quiet. Everyone in the bar was quiet.

When Bowie laughed, everyone took it as a cue to join in.

“I never figured you for a comedian, Wright,” Bowie said as he pointed a finger at the sheriff. “That’s a good one.”

Wap! Wright slapped Bowie in the face with his gloves a second time and in so doing, knocked the smile right off of Bowie’s face.

“That’s a good way to get yourself gutted from stem to stern, Wright,” Bowie said.

“Satisfaction will be mine!” Wright shouted.

“You’d be so easy to kill it wouldn’t be a fair fight,” Bowie said.

“And you are making excuses for your cowardice, sir!”

Bowie’s nostrils flared. He took a deep breath, then turned his back on Wright again.

“Well then,” Wright said as he drew his pistol. “If you are not man enough to face me then you leave me no choice.”

Bang!

Wright was known throughout Rapides Parish for being a horrendous shot. The bullet grazed Bowie’s shoulder, cutting a slight rut through the skin of the knifeman’s arm before it landed dead center in Tavish’s chest.

The drunk shouted several choice obscene phrases before falling off his stool. On the floor, he convulsed, then died.

Bowie wasted no time. He grabbed Wright’s arm and shoved him up against a wall. Wright closed his eyes as he felt the cold edge of a knife being held up against his throat.

“You think that does a damn thing for your honor?” Bowie asked. “You try to shoot a man in the back only to murder a useless old lecher instead?”

“This is all your doing, Bowie!” Wright said. “You are the one who refused to face me. That man’s death is on your hands!”

“Shit,” Bowie said. “And I was just starting to like that old coot.”

Brent interrupted. “You just held a knife on him a moment ago.”

“He was starting to grow on me,” Bowie said.

Bang!

Bowie looked to his left. Brent had walked over from the bar and was holding a rifle.

“Jim,” Brent said. “I don’t mean to tell you how to do your business but one dead body in my bar is too many.”

Bowie and Wright stared into each others’ eyes. Wright saw Bowie’s rage. Bowie saw Wright’s fear.

“And I’m no lawyer but you slitting the throat of a lawman who just fired the only shot in his pistol seems like it will end with you swinging at the end of a noose if you ask me.”

“No one asked you, Brent.”

Bowie leered at his hostage a bit longer, then released him.

“Wright, I accept your challenge.”

Wright coughed and clutched at his throat just to make sure it was still there. He then straightened up, dusted himself off, gripped the lapels of his jacket and turned up his nose at the knifeman.

“Pistols at dawn, sir.” Wright said. “Acquire your second and we shall meet at the sandbar.”

“Yes we will,” Bowie said.

Wright stormed off for the door.

“And Wright?”

The sheriff stopped but didn’t turn around.

“Do not miss,” Bowie said. “Because if you do, I assure you, my knife will not.”

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