Hey nerds,
I haven’t had a chance to write about it and my old pal Zombie Trump has been busy, but I just wanted to ask what everyone thinks about this season. I think its turning out to be one of the better ones so far.
What say you, 3.5 readers?
Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Tag Archives: zombies
BREAKING NEWS: Bookshelf Q. Battler Survives the Zombie Apocalypse!
By: Kurt Manley, Network News One Anchor
Our top story tonight, Bookshelf Q. Battler, in the surprise of the century, has not only survived the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse, but also uncovered an underhanded plot by the vile and corrupt General Morganstern.
“I couldn’t have done it without the 31 zombie authors,” Mr. Battler said. “Each one is at the top of the zombie fiction game and the advice they provided to me was crucial. From Sarah Lyons Fleming spelling it out to me how to pack a bug out bag to J.M. Wilde enduring my inquiries about which way the water swirls down the toilet in Australia, these fine scribes were there for me when I needed them and I urge all of my 3.5 readers to purchase their books early and often.”
Best Reporter Ever
Further, Mr. Battler also credited Network News One’s own Hot Ass Blond Chick for his survival. With complete disregard for her own personal safety, the Hot Ass Blond Chick flew into a zombie war zone in order to report on an impromptu Funky Hunks concert, thus proving that BQB was alive and that Gen. Morganstern was just a smelly liar trying to use the zombie apocalypse as a cover to blow BQB’s shit up.
“A pulitzer is definitely coming the Hot Ass Blonde Chick’s way,” said Sir Isaac Pulitzer, Chairman of the Pulitzer Prize Committee.
The zombies are gone and the remaining citizens of East Randomtown face the long, arduous task of cleaning up their town.
But what of the aftermath? Will Dr. Hugo Von Science, the culprit behind the zombie apocalypse, be brought to justice? What of Gen. Morganstern? Just what exactly occurred during Operation Fuhrerpunschen, the so-called mission that allegedly led to Adolf Hitler being punched in the face by an American operative? Why did Morganstern want so desperately to cover that mission up?
And most importantly:
Bookshelf Q. Battler has made a lot of crazy claims on his blog – namely, that he has an alien friend, that a 1950’s private detective is in his employ, and even that he is the owner of a magic bookshelf. All of these assertions have seemed like the mindless rantings of an eccentric dingus, but with the media frenzy over the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse shining some light on the Bookshelf Battle Blog…should the government make an inquiry into whether or not these oddball claims are, in fact, real?
That’s it for this hour. Coming up in the next news block, are spiders crawling up your nose while you’re asleep and laying eggs in your brain? Better stay up until our Hot Ass Blonde Chick provides you with the answer after sports and weather.
#31ZombieAuthors – Day 31 – HALLOWEEN INTERVIEW – David W. Wright of the Self-Publishing Podcast
FIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:
Happy Halloween, 3.5 readers.
This month, we’ve chatted up an absurd amount of zombie fiction writers, haven’t we?
They’re all impressive in their own right, and they all bent over backwards to help me out, so it was virtually impossible to figure out who to assign the coveted Halloween spot to.
Then it hit me. Use it to talk to one of the dudes who got me writing again.
Not to make this about me, but long ago, I gave up on my dream of becoming a writer. Like so many before me, the path toward traditional publishing seemed like it was riddled with one insurmountable wall after another. Spend my time writing only to end up with my work tossed on a rejection heap with countless other writers competing for a highly coveted publishing contract?
Hell, I might as well have cashed out my life savings (all 3.5 dollars of it) and spent it on lotto tickets.
So I moved on and pursued a more realistic profession, but as the years went by, I always second guessed myself.
“What if?”
“What if I’d kept at it? Would I be a writer today?”
Around late 2014 I discovered the Self Publishing Podcast, starring full time indie authors Johnny B. Truant, Sean Platt, and of course, today’s guest, David W. Wright. Together, this trio have their own “story studio,” Sterling and Stone.
They’ve found success as multi-genre authors, with sci-fi epics like The Beam, steam punk adventures like The Dream Engine and TV style serials such as Yesterday’s Gone, just to name a few. They’re so prolific I doubt I could rattle off all their hits in one sitting.
Their self-publishing guide, Write. Publish. Repeat. (The No-Luck-Required Guide to Self-Publishing Success) has become a bible of sorts for the indie community. I picked up a copy and thus far I’ve found the information it provides to be invaluable.
I have a standing appointment with these gents every Wednesday afternoon, during which I pop on their podcast and listen to the boys talk about the craft they love on my commute home.
To be clear, they don’t deal with get rich quick schemes or gimmicks. They’re just three guys who talk about what works and doesn’t work for them. They regularly schedule guests on the cutting edge of self-publishing, and most importantly, they have fun.
Yes, I said fun. You won’t be bored when you listen to SPP. The best way I can describe it is that Johnny, Sean and Dave aren’t the stodgy, tweed coat wearing professors who drone on and on in a boring lecture guaranteed to put you to sleep.
Rather, they’re the cool TAs who stop by your dorm, crack open a beer, joke around with you, and give you the straight scoop on what you need to know.
Will I ever self-publish a book? I have no idea, but listening to these guys helped me decide to pick up my long abandoned dream of a writing career, dust it off, and start working toward it again, and that in and of itself has made me a happier person.
Dave, as one of Sterling and Stone’s preeminent horror fiction writers, welcome to the Bookshelf Battle Blog. I’ve heard you and your compadres say it doesn’t get any worse than your other podcast, Better Off Undead, but I’d challenge that notion since last time I checked, my site only has 3.5 readers.
NOTE: BOLD=BQB; ITALICS=DAVE
Q. Happy Halloween, Dave! Do you have any plans to celebrate? (Redact as necessary.)
A. If by celebrate, you mean hide away from anyone who might knock on my door, then yes, I’ll be celebrating in an undisclosed location.
Q. What’s the deal with zombies? The past month, I’ve interviewed authors from all different backgrounds and they’ve all managed to find their own unique take on the zombie genre. For the layman who thinks, “I don’t get it. All they do is grunt and groan and eat brains!” please explain why fans can’t get enough of the undead.
A. I can only speak to the appeal from my perspective. As long as I can remember, long before I ever saw a zombie movie, I dreamed of hordes of slow-moving people coming after me. Most horror movies, the hero or heroine have some chance to defeat the bad guy, monster, etc… There’s something terrifying about an unyielding, unending force of nature like a horde of zombies.
There’s a cathartic nature to most horror, and I think zombies can be representative of many fears for people, and movies and books are just one way of facing those fears in a safe manner.
I think one of the books that truly gets that fear right is The Girl With All the Gifts. Those zombies will track you down, and just wait outside wherever you’re hiding. They’ve got nothing but time, and they will eventually get you, unless you find a way to fight back.
Q. Z 2134, which you co-authored with Sean, features a dystopian America of the future, one in which zombie plagues have ravaged the world, giving rise to a totalitarian government, not to mention the Darwin Games, a televised survival show in which people have to fight zombies on air. What inspired you to write these stories?
A. Well, I’ve always wanted to write a zombie story. Sean wasn’t as keen on the idea, as he felt like it had all been done, and there was a lot of it at the moment. However, if we could mash up other genres, he was a lot more interested. So we thought, “Wouldn’t it be cool if there was a Hunger Games type story with zombies?” At the time, I’d not even seen The Hunger Games, and had read only the first few chapters. But I knew the idea, and we thought it would be cool to blend it with zombies and add a dose of 1984.
We pitched it to 47North after they’d reached out to us because of Yesterday’s Gone’s success, and they bought the trilogy.
Funny that some of the one star reviewers say it’s a “direct ripoff” of The Hunger Games, which I have to laugh at given that the only thing we ripped off was that it was a) a game and b) how The Hunger Games did the opening part where everyone had to make a mad dash toward the loot (which is as far as I got in the series). Anything similar beyond that, if there actually is, is pure coincidence. Fortunately, enough people liked the series for what it was to make it a bestseller at Amazon.
I think that mash-up of Z 2134 was sort of a dual-edged sword, though. While it earned us a lot of new readers, I think that people who thought we merely ripped off The Hunger Games, probably didn’t go on to give our other books a chance. They probably thought we were mash-up hacks churning out derivative stuff, which is a shame, because I feel that our other books are original and genre defying in many aspects.
Sean and Johnny are currently writing the first book in a zombie series that I’m super excited about, which seems to have an original sorta twist to it. Perhaps Sean and I will write in that world, since I’m still itching to do a proper real zombie story.
Q. One thing I’ve noticed about science fiction/zombie lore is that authors have a tendency to forecast a future of doom and gloom. I can’t say as I blame them though, given that every day there’s a new story on the news that rattles my faith in humanity. Do you think a book where people are actually happy and the world has come together in a peaceful, harmonious future would ever be viable (or dare I say, realistic?)
A. As much as I’d love to believe otherwise, it all comes down to a few things that seem immutable: there are limited resources on this planet, and people are clannish by nature. Therefore, there will always be struggle.
Q. Let’s talk SPP. You guys do a fair amount of busting on one another, all in good fun of course. Still, I have to say I envy the partnership you’ve formed. I’ve worked on a number of group projects in my life and to date, I’ve never walked away from the experience without holding back the desire to strangle my partners (who probably felt the same way about me.) Do you guys realize what you have and more importantly, when the microphone’s off, do you tell each other? It’d make me happy if the three of you would break out in a chorus of Bette Midler’s Wind Beneath My Wings one day, in celebration of a rare collaboration that actually works.
A. I don’t think we talk too much about it. We’re usually busy talking about the work that needs to be done to fulfill our dreams. When we met in Austin in Sept. 2014, though, it was the first time all three of us were together, and we had a long heart-to-heart-to-heart talk, and it felt good to get to know Johnny (I’d already known Sean) in person. We’re like family, except we get along more often than most families.
Q. Dave, as mentioned on your site, “Sean is the Tigger to your (Dave’s) Eeyore.” I’d even go so far as to say that Sean is the Professor X to your Magneto. In other words, Sean’s an optimist while you’re a pessimist.
Is that why you two work so well together? One of you holds out hope, the other can see problems coming at twenty paces, and together you equal each other out?
A. Good analogy. I think we’re a good mix, though I’m sure we’d be better off if I were a bit less pessimistic and a bit more hopeful. I think pessimism can be good as a protective shield, but there are times it costs you in potential.
Q. Not to bore you with my problems, but a maniacal alien dictator from an unnamed world despises reality television to the point where he’s demanded that I write a novel so finely crafted that it causes the public to abandon shows where cameras follow around vapid celebrities and focus their attention entirely on scripted media.
But I don’t want to bother you with that. You’ve been in self-publishing for a long time now. Is there one nugget of advice, something that you wish someone had told you early on when you were getting started that you could pass on to me?
A. Work through the doubt, and write a lot. Growing up, I tended to abandon projects the moment they got a bit too intimidating. I’m still prone to self-doubt and lots of rewriting before I’m happy, and I blow deadlines, but I am still always moving forward toward a goal — something I didn’t do before I had Sean as a partner.
Q. Self-publishers are often vocal about their fears, which is understandable. Amazon might change their terms. Tech companies they depend on might go out of business. Traditional publishers might find a way to flip the proverbial poker table over and take their chips back.
But lets forget all that and be positive for a moment. Let’s be Seans and not Daves. As an expert in the field, do you foresee any major, positive developments coming in the future that will make self-publishers jump for joy?
A. I’m hoping for a universal e-book format which would allow people to migrate their collections across readers without having to jump through hoops. I’d love to be able to buy at any store and read on whatever reader I prefer, without having to go through proprietary apps.
While companies may be resistant to this, I think in the long run it will help the companies sell more e-books.
Q. Dave. Seriously. Thank you for all that you do. When The History of Self-Publishing is written, there should be twenty chapters dedicated to you, Sean and Johnny. The floor is yours. If there are any last minute words of wisdom you’d like to share with my 3.5 readers, please feel free to do so.
A. Thank you for having me. I’m not sure if this is wisdom, but I’ll share one thing. I started putting comic strips on the web in 1999. I was clueless to how bad I was. I think a lot of artists early on come in one of two flavors — they think they’re awesome or they think they’re shit. The truth is probably somewhere in between. Had I realized how bad I was, I’m sure I would’ve quit. Instead, I thought I was better than I was, but knew I wasn’t as good as I wanted to be, so I pushed through, always trying to get better, until I had a semi-successful comic which I could be proud of. So, I’d say don’t beat yourself up early on, but don’t ignore the areas you need to improve, and just always keep creating.
BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 31 – (Part 1)
High atop the south wall of Bookshelf Battle Headquarters, I dialed the number for Network News One.
“Hello?” a lackadaisical operator answered. “Network News One. How may I direct your call?”
“I need to speak to the Hot Ass Blonde Chick With Big Titties!”
“Ugh, the hundredth time tonight,” the operator said. “Sir, I’m going to tell you what I told all the other perverts. Yes, we realize that the Hot Ass Blonde Chick is quite fetching but she’s a serious journalist and doesn’t have time for…”
I cut her off.
“My name is Bookshelf Q. Battler,” I said. “She’s been working an angle on the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse, trying to prove my fellow Funky Hunk Bernie Plotznick and I and a bunch of survivors are still within the East Randomtown limits! Get her on the phone before I’m blown the hell up!”
“One minute sir.”
Some muzak played.
“La, la, la…muskrat love,” I sang to myself.
The voice of a hot chick picked up.
“Bookshelf Q. Battler?” the blonde reporter asked.
“Yes. Is the Hot Ass Blonde Chick With Big Titties?”
“It is. My God, you really ARE alive!”
“I sure am and Bernie Plotznick, my girlfriend, my deformed kid, and over a thousand survivors are at my house!”
“I knew General Morganstern was up to something,” the blonde reporter said.
“Do you have a chopper?” I asked.
“Sure. The NN1 Sky Copter is parked at the West Randomtown Shop N’ Slop.”
“I need you to get in that helicopter and get to the address I’m sending you,” I said.
“You’ll come outside so we can catch you on film?” the blonde reporter asked.
“Better,” I replied. “My associate and I are going to put on the greatest concert East Randomtown has ever seen!”
“I’m on my way.”
I handed the space phone to Alien Jones. He released it and it floated into the air.
“Can it work as a microphone?” I asked.
“Yes,” Alien Jones replied. “I’m syncing it to pick up your voices now.”
“How the hell…CAN IT DO THAT?” I asked, noticing my voice was being broadcast all over the compound. “Whoa!”
Three F-15s ripped across the sky.
Alien Jones snapped his fingers and the pilots’ transmissions were played over the space phone.
“Overlord, come in overlord. This is Buzzkill. On my six are ShockinAwesome and Limpwrist. Over.”
“Guys,” Limpwrist said. “I thought we talked about this. My call sign is ‘Hellfire.’”
“Screw you, Limpwrist,” Buzzkill said. “You show up late for ‘Cool Ass Fighter Pilot Call Name Assignment Day,’ you end up as Limpwrist. Suck it up.”
Below, I could see the townspeople standing around my yard, listening intently.
“I read you, Buzzkill.”
I recognized that voice. Morganstern was Overlord.
“Overlord we’re over the target now. Ready to turn East Randomtown into a crater and fry those zombie freaks. Over.”
The survivors gasped and started to panic.
“Copy,” Morganstern said.
“Overlord, you’re sure there’s no one alive down there?” Buzzkill asked.
The F-15s made another pass over BQB HQ.
“Affirmative,” Morganstern replied. “Jesus Christ, are you one of those hippies who whines about blowing up a whole town? Light that shit up already!”
“Preparing to light it up, sir…”
Alien Jones snapped his fingers and his space phone produced a dazzling strobe light effect. It also cast two spotlights on Bernie and I.
“Ready?” I asked Bernie.
“Shit son, you know my ass was born ready! FUNKY HUNKS IN THE HIZ-OUSE!”
Alien Jones wiggled his fingers again and the space phone shot up dazzling holograms of fireworks straight up into the sky. They were fake but to the untrained eye, they looked like the real thing.
“What the hell was that?” Buzzkill asked.
“What?” Morganstern asked. “What’s going on?”
“Come on all you East Randomtown survivors!” Bernie shouted, his voice amplified through the magic of alien technology. “Put your hands together and make some noise like your lives depend on it!”
It’d been years since my days as a Funky Hunk, but seeing Bernie in his element brought it all back.
“Because it does, yo!” I shouted. “Yo, yo, yo I’m Read N’ Plenty!”
“And I’m MC Plotz,” Bernie added.
Together, we said in unison, “AND WE ARE THE FUNKY HUNKS!”
The F-15s made another pass.
“Overlord, there appears to be some kind of nerd show going on down there,” Buzzkill said. “Over.”
“Bullshit,” Morganstern said. “You’re seeing things. Blow it all up! Now!”
“Are you nerds ready?” Alien Jones asked.
“Ready as I’ll ever be,” I said.
VGRF kissed me.
“For luck.”
“Thanks baby,” I said. “But Read N’ Plenty don’t need no luck because he got mad ass skills! Hit it!”
Alien Jones snapped his fingers and the space phone laid down a hip hop beat.
In the distance, I saw a light and heard helicopter blades whirring. The NN1 SkyCopter drew closer, coming to a hover over BQB HQ.
“Aww shit,” Bernie said. “The Funky Hunks reunion show broadcasted live.”
Suddenly, it was like we were both in our early twenties again. We were jumping, running around, performing sick dance moves, all the while debuting Bernie’s latest jam:
STRAIGHT UP FLOSSIN’
Yo. 2015. Funky Hunks back on the scene.
Check it!
You’re out on a date with a fly ass honey.
But damn that girl be lookin’ at yo ass hella funny.
I wonder what the hell does she see?
Awwwww shit! It’s a rogue chick pea!
Time for the chorus:
Straight up flossin! Straight up flossin!
Now here’s some advice that yo ass better not be tossin!”
Alien Jones twirled his finger again and the space phone displayed the Network News One feed on a holographic monitor large enough for the whole crowd to see.
Kurt Manley was in studio.
“Sources say that the Congressman located his pants and issued a contrite apology to his constituents. In other news…”
Kurt pressed his finger down on his earpiece.
“Hold on. Ladies and gentlemen, we’re going live to the NN1 SkyCopter where the Hot Ass Blonde Chick With Big Titties is covering a breaking story. Hot Ass Blonde Chick With Big Titties, are you there?”
The F-15s swooped overhead once more. Bernie and I kept jamming, keeping an eye on the coverage.
The crowd didn’t care for us at all, though some of the forty something moms in denim stretch pants in attendance did sing along. The faux fireworks continued to brighten up the night sky.
Wearing a pair of headphones, the blonde reporter, sitting in the back of the helicopter, appeared on screen.
“Yes I am, Kurt,” the reporter said. “I’m reporting live over the home of East Randomtown resident, Bookshelf Q. Battler. As you recall, General Morganstern told me earlier this evening that there are no survivors remaining in town, thus clearing the way for an aerial strike, yet as you can clearly see below…”
The camera man zoomed in on BQB HQ. We could see ourselves on the screen. Bernie and I waved.
“…the poorly reviewed late 90’s/early 2000’s rap duo known as ‘The Funky Hunks’ are performing an impromptu performance of their wholesome hip hop to a large group of survivors.”
Bernie and I kept rapping.
When you hang up yo toothbrush yo job aint done.
Get that floss on that bicuspid, son!
There’s all kinds of shit behind your incisor.
Cavities between teeth can be a real surpriser!
“Damn,” Kurt said. “That is the worse music I have ever seen.”
“Agreed,” the blonde reporter said. “But these nerds have blown the lid off a vast conspiracy tonight.”
Morganstern’s voice came over the space phone. Alien Jones amplified it loud enough that the blonde reporter’s mic was able to pick it up way up in her helicopter.
“Buzzkill, blow that bitch out of the sky.”
The F-15’s tore up the sky once more.
“Overlord, have you lost your mind?”
“She has entered a restricted area! Do it!”
“ShockinAwesome. Limpwrist. Let’s head back to base.”
“I HAVE GIVEN YOU A DIRECT ORDER!” Morganstern hollered.
“Court martial me if you want, General,” Buzzkill said. “But I’m not about to murder a bunch of civilians, especially the Hot Ass Blonde Chick With Big Titties. She’s a national treasure.”
Bernie and I wrapped up our song and I looked at the holo-screen.
“Kurt, did you get all that?”
“We sure did, Hot Ass Blonde Chick With Big Titties. General Morganstern has a lot of explaining to do. We’re going to stay with this story as it develops. Meanwhile, is your cat trying to sit on your face and suffocate you while you sleep? A prominent veterinarian will weigh in after this commercial break…”
The NN1 SkyCopter banked right and took off.
The crowd cheered and celebrated. Alien Jones cut our mics off and caught the space phone as it landed in his hands.
“Um, nerds?” the Esteemed Brainy One said as he pointed his finger towards the neighborhood.
AJ pressed an app that turned his phone into a powerful pair of binoculars. I looked at the screen to see a legion of hungry zombies marching down the road.
“It’s not time to party yet,” AJ said.
#31ZombieAuthors – Day 30 Interview – J.M. Wilde – Australia Zombified
FIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:
:::Looks in the mirror. Slaps myself.:::
OK, BQB. Get a grip. You’ve got a half-hour left until East Randomtown is blown up. You need to complete this interview, then go save the day.
Time is of the essence and you’re about to talk to a professional. Sure, J.M. Wilde is one of today’s top Australian zombie fiction authors, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a jerk and ask her about Australian stuff. She doesn’t want to talk about kangaroos, koala bears, or dingos. She doesn’t want to compare knife sizes a la Paul Hogan in Crocodile Dundee. Don’t ask her about vegemite sandwiches or if the Men Without Hats’ mandate to ostracize friends of your friends who don’t dance is still in effect over there.
Just take all of your pre-conceived Aussie stereotypes and throw them out the window. The fans of the highly popular Eva series deserve no less.
OK. The space phone is ringing.
NOTE: BOLD=BQB; ITALICS=J.M.
Q. Hello J.M. I’m trapped in a zombie apocalypse and my hometown is about to be blown to smithereens as part of an elaborate conspiracy, but I’ve dropped everything to use a highly sophisticated alien communication device to place a call clear across the world in order to ask a question of utmost importance:
Clockwise or counterclockwise: which way does the water swirl down the drain in the land down under? Please. Go flush your toilet, take copious notes, then come back with a full report. I swear that’s all I’ll need to get all the curiosity about Australia out of my system.
A. I actually have no idea. I’ve never really noticed, I guess counterclockwise? Flushing the toilet isn’t any help because most toilets here don’t swirl, they just flush down. I didn’t even know that myth existed until that one episode of The Simpsons when they came to Australia.
Q. By the way, since its already October 31 in Australia, Happy Halloween! I realize this is an American holiday that began in the pre-colonial days of the U.S. in which colonists believed it was necessary to ward off evil spirits by running around in costumes, because if it’s one thing that a hell beast fears most, it’s a puritan in a bed sheet. Fast forward to today, where once a year we all openly encourage children to disobey all the rules we impose on them throughout the rest of the year by encouraging them to “go ahead and knock on that stranger’s door and demand free food stuffs!”
Long story short – Halloween in Australia. Does anyone over there do anything to celebrate or is it just another day? Don’t worry if the answer is the latter. With all the goofballs running around in costumes and all the weight I gain from eating fun size candy bars, there are times I wish it was November 1 already too.
A. This is an interesting one. Halloween is also connected to Samhain, which takes place in Autumn. Here in Australia, Samhain takes place on May 1st, so technically that’s our Halloween. But thanks to commercialization and the many American TV shows and movies we watch, Halloween has made its way here over the last few years and is celebrated more and more on October 31st. It wasn’t celebrated here at all when I was a kid, but I would have loved to have gone trick or treating just like all my favorite characters on TV. Now, I see more and more kids and teens knocking at my door in costumes, and more Halloween decorations being sold in stores. Halloween parties are becoming a thing, too, which is awesome as I love a good costume party!
Q. Let’s talk about The Eva Series. In this three-book collection, you’ve turned Australia into one great big zombie infested death island. Readers follow the journey of Eva as she and her friends make their way through the madness in search of safety. I have to admit, this is a pretty unique turn for the zompoc genre. How did you come up with Eva’s story and what inspired you to tell her tale?
A. It really started because of my husband. I’d never written fiction before and wanted to try it, and at the time I thought my husband would be the only one who would ever read it. He loves zombies, so I decided to write a zombie story. And seeing as we live in Australia, I figured it would be cool to write about what might happen if a zombie virus broke out here. And voila! As They Rise, the first in the series, was born.
Q. As I told a pair of writers the other day, I don’t have much pull in Hollywood. Sure, Taye Diggs follows me on Twitter but I’m pretty sure he hit the follow button by accident. That being said, “Zombies in Australia” seems like a concept ripe for a movie. On the off chance that J.J. Abrahams visits my blog by accident, give him your pitch as to why we need an Eva movie.
A. Taye Diggs follows me too! Okay, here’s my pitch. Hey J.J (or other equally awesome Hollywood person), enough already with zombies in the U.S of A! It’s been done to death (Ha! Puns.) Let’s move the fun down under where the stakes are higher and the production is cheaper. I’ve got the story, you’ve got the skills and the connections. Let’s make movie magic.
Q. OK, I don’t want to brag, but I have been known to attract as many as 3.5 readers to my blog. I thought that was pretty impressive until I learned that The Eva Series has racked up over 3 million reads online. How did you get so many eyeballs on your work and for any aspiring writers out there, what can they do to attract more readers?
A. It’s all thanks to Wattpad. I don’t really know how it happened, but once I started uploading chapters to Wattpad a few years ago, it skyrocketed. I wouldn’t have ever considered being a pro writer without all the support from those early readers who kept begging me for more Eva. Aside from writing a good story and having a cool cover, I’ve found that being persistent and consistent is key when it comes to writing on Wattpad and attracting readers.
Q. You’re a Wattpad star. For people who aren’t as hip as we are, Wattpad is an online site that allows users to post their works and receive feedback from other users. What about this site have you found useful and would you recommend it to other authors?
A. I adore the hell out of Wattpad, and I definitely recommend it to other authors. I think my favorite aspect about it is the interaction with readers. I’ve made friends and get to talk to my readers regularly, gain feedback on my work and just have so much fun with them.
J.M. Wilde on How to Get More Readers on Wattpad
Q. So what’s next for you? Any other book ideas in the works? Could the zombies attack your neighbors? Just going to throw it out there. I feel like “TaZmania” or “New Z-Land” are rife with potential.
A. Haha! I love the New Z-Land idea. I’ve started working on a spin-off about one of the characters from book three, and I’ve been thinking about a potential fourth book in the series. But right now I’ve got a few other projects in the works; a couple of geeky YA contemporaries and a fanfic of The 5th Wave commissioned by Sony that’s being posted to Wattpad.
Q. You’re a self-described fan girl. On your website, you talk about how you want to be Iron Man and have pictures of yourself in Marty MacFly’s “future wear” from Back to the Future II, in which you’re meeting Christopher Lloyd, the actor who played Doc Brown. I tip my hat to you, madam. You’ve dethroned me as the Internet’s most renowned poindexter. A lot of great superhero/comic bookish movies are coming out next year. Which one or ones are you looking forward to most?
A. Meeting Doc Brown was definitely one of the best moments of my life. BTTF is my fave movie so it was surreal. He’s such a nice dude. To answer your question … All of them! Deadpool. Captain America: Civil War. X-Men: Apocalypse. Suicide Squad. The list goes on!
Q. J.M., thanks for taking a moment to talk with me. Before I go, do you have any last minute advice that might help my friends and I survive the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?
A. As Eva learned the hard way, fire doesn’t work against zombies, it just turns them into undead fireballs. Running is always the best choice. If you can’t run like hell, fight like hell. And always follow Rule #2 of Zombieland: double tap.
BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: J.M.’s running a Halloween sale! Get all three books of the Eva series for .99 cents!
BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 30 – (Part 3)
“Bookshelf?”
Attorney Donnelly was all about proper etiquette. As long as I’d known her, she never referred to me as anything other than”Mr. Battler” without fail.
Somehow, the announcement of an impending air strike designed wipe out my entire home town didn’t cause the gravity of my situation to sink in the way hearing my lawyer, the dependable, unshakeable rock I’d grown accustomed to leaning on in times of crisis, call me by my first name did.
“I take it you saw the news?” I asked.
“Indeed.”
“You sent a copy of Jake’s manuscript to Morganstern?” I asked.
“I did,” Delilah said. “He didn’t budge.”
“Damn,” I said.
“Never fear, Bookshelf,” Delilah said. “I have full confidence that your brilliant mind will devise a way out of this conundrum.”
“You really think so?” I asked.
“Of course.”
“Thanks Delilah,” I said. “I have to go save East Randomtown now Goodbye..”
“Godspeed sir.”
I kept listening as Delilah fumbled with the phone. Just before she hanged up on her end, I distinctly heard her say, “Mr. Hatcher, I do believe we’ll be in need of a new client soon.”
Thanks a lot, D.
The space phone rang.
“Battler, you moldy sack of tarantula crap.”
“Morganstern,” I replied.
“You really thought you could blackmail me with a threat to disperse the details of Operation Fuhrerpunschen to the world?”
“It crossed my mind,” I said. “I thought the man you answered to wanted to keep that info hush hush.”
“He does,” Morganstern said. “But he also realizes that even if that strumpet ambulance chaser of yours does release Hatcher’s manuscript, you’ll just be written off as some dopey, hair-brained conspiracy theorist. Hatcher. That alien. Uncle Hardass. No one believes any of the so-called ‘writers’ on your blog are real. Everyone just assumes you’re some dumb ass who pretends to be others just to drag traffic to a blog that will never, EVER attract more than 3.5 readers.”
“So why kill me at all?”
“Because if you keep going, you might attract a large enough audience that people might start listening,” Morganstern said. “And the man I answer to can’t have that.”
“He shouldn’t worry,” I said. “There are backroads in the Mojave Desert that get more traffic than my site ever will.”
“That’s what I told him but it’s too late,” Morganstern said. “You messed with the bull. Now it’s time to get the horns…up your ass.”
Click.
Late to the party as usual, Bernie and Blandie walked in. Bernie zipped up his fly while Blandie attempted to brush her hair straight with her hands.
“Aw sweet!” Bernie cried. “Seven layer dip!”
“Not now, Bern,” I said. “I’m stuck with a problem I can’t solve. Everyone’s going to die and I couldn’t feel worse about it.”
“Shit dawg,” Bernie said as he dipped a chip. “Whenever I feel bad I just kick a funky beat.”
I jumped up.
“That’s it!”
I ran to my bedroom, which was stuffed full of East Randomtown residents, and opened my closet. There in the back in a plastic dry cleaning bag was an obnoxiously bright yellow track suit I hadn’t worn since the early 2000’s.
It was my Funky Hear wear. Bernie didn’t need any. He never stopped dressing like a Funky Hunk.
VGRF walked in.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m going to save our asses,” I said. “Bernie, think of the funkiest rhyme you can while I call a zombie author.”
“No,” VGRF said. “That’s ridiculous. Stop interviewing zombie authors. We’re all about to be blown sky high.”
“I made a promise to my 3.5 readers, woman!” I said. “I swore I’d interview one zombie author a day for 31 days and I’ll be damned if a corrupt general is going to stop me!”
“It’s too late!” VGRF said. “You’ve blown the 31 Zombie Authors Challenge! All the zombie authors are fast asleep! It’s 11:50 p.m.!”
“Maybe here,” I said. “But it’s already tomorrow in Australia.”
VGRF slapped me across the face for the third time this month.
“Damn it, you magnificent bastard! Stop being so brilliant!”
Bookshelf Battle 