By: The Siberian Yeti, Newly Self-Apponted Ruler of the Bookshelf Battle Blog
3.5 readers. How utterly decadent. Very Western. Very American. Very “oh look at me, I’m a blogger, I’m special, I’m going to post a picture of what I ate for lunch today because I am so great everyone will want to know!”
Bozhe moi. In my village, we have only one newspaper. Literally, we only have one copy of a newspaper. It was printed in 1943 and we Yetis have been reading it ever since. It is our second favorite form of entertainment, the first being our state of the art Commodore 64.
But you Americans? You have so many options to choose from when it comes to the written word. So much free thought can’t be good for you.
You may notice that Bookshelf Q. Battler’s posts are still popping up now and then. They will do that for awhile. He has scheduled many posts in advance.
But rest assure, Mr. Battler and his Head of Security, Bookshelf Battle Dog, are locked up in the basement, where they are being forced to watch a selection of my favorite Russian films:
Dude, Where’s My Yugo?
Ivan and Anatoly’s Adventure, Which Was No More or Less Excellent than the Adventures of Other Citizens
The Passion of the Ration
For over a year, I have requested that Bookshelf Q. review my book, Ten Ways to Stretch Your Toilet Paper Rations. Imbecile that he is, he has constantly refused me.
Now I know why. Look at this ridiculous display of Western greed I found in the bathroom once occupied by the former proprietor of this so-called book blog:
As you are aware, we Siberians believe in weekly rations of three squares of toilet paper. No more. No less. Frankly, we could get by on two. We would be grateful to just have one.
But four squares? Why don’t we just put on cowboy hats and have fake silicone bosoms attached to ourselves while we’re at it?
Now that Bookshelf Q. Battler is indisposed, he can no longer stand in my way. I will now review my book myself.
Ten Ways to Stretch Your Toilet Paper Rations, a new non-fiction book by the Siberian Yeti, is a fantastic read. You are all ordered to purchase it immediately. End of review.
If you are unable to find my book on your favorite American website, Amazon, the site you fat, stupid, lazy Americans use to have flying robots deliver snacks and video games straight to your homes, thus allowing your copious bottoms to become one with your couches, then I will simply share the ten ways below:
Top Ten Ways to Stretch Your Toilet Paper Rations
10. Pinecones. Don’t ask. You’ll figure it out.
9. Stop eating. You’ve had enough already.
8. Use both sides.
7. Subsidize your TP budget with leaves.
6. Use pages from the 1943 newspaper.
5. Seek assistance of rabbits, as suggested by noted American philosopher Eddie Murphy
4. Horde TP squares during times of constipation, and they will be ready in times of dispensation. Always be ready for times of boom and bust.
3. Barter your services in exchange for payment in TP squares from your fellow man.
2. Run through a car wash. One day we might get cars that don’t fall apart when we wash them.
1. Hold it indefinitely.
Yes, my new book is sure to be a big time NYT bestseller. Step aside, Mr. James Patterson. Out of the way, Mr. Steven King. The Siberian Yeti will be climbing the charts, all thanks to my conquest of a book blog viewed by 3.5 readers.
We Siberian Yetis do everything our government requests of us with no question. You silly free-thinking Americans are no doubt filled with questions, so you may leave them in the comments below and I will respond with all the ways in which you are wrong.
I must go now and give Bookshelf Q. Battler his daily water ration. One dixie cup. No more. No less.