Category Archives: The Siberian Yeti

Uninspired

I hate Yetis.  Oh yes I do.  I hate Yetis.  Oh yes, it’s true.  I hate Yetis.  Oh yes I do.  If you were a Yeti hostage, you’d hate stupid Yetis too.

Thank you.  I hate Yetis.

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Top Ten Reasons Why I Hate The Yeti

10)  Hairballs…everywhere.

9)  He bogarts the Doritos

8)  He won’t stop watching Olga’s Stewstravaganza

7)  He won’t stop playing Tapper.

6)  He isn’t house trained…

5)  …and refuses to wear Depends for Yetis

4)  He’s very opinionated.

3)  Makes the whole HQ smell like wet dog.

2)  He looks like an albino Chewbacca.

1)  He refuses to leave until I get 4000 Twitter followers.

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Common Ground with the Yeti

We both like waffles.  If only all the nations of the world could come together in a united love of waffles, peace, prosperity, tolerance, and a heightened sense of understanding would spread across the globe.

Except for those pancake loving SOBs.  Patooie, I say.

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A Reply from Bookshelf Q. Battler

The Yeti is an idiot and a smelly beast.  Continue to read this blog, 3.5 readers.

Sincerely,

Bookshelf Q. Battler

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A Message from the Siberian Yeti

Hello 3.5 readers.  Please stop reading this blog.

Sincerely,

The Siberian Yeti

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In Case You Think I’m Making this $h#t Up…

There is an actual Yeti journal…

Yeti Researcher

I wonder if they’ll do a story on the one I have living on my couch, eating all my snacks, writing on my blog without permission and in general, being a major pain in the wazoo.

Yetis.  I hate Yetis.

I hate to beg, but 400 more follows for @bookshelfbattle on Twitter brings me to the goal needed to free Bookshelf Battle HQ from unjust Yeti occupation.

Think about it – your follows not only aid me in my mission to spread literacy across the globe, they also help me foil the plans of a stupid Yeti.

I hate Yetis.

“Yeti Researcher” Image via a Creative Commons License by Dan Germain

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MOVIE REVIEW – Olga’s Stewstravaganza Part II – Electric Stewgaloo (2014)

By:  The Siberian Yeti, Self-Appointed Ruler of Bookshelfbattle.com Until Further Notice

Hello pitiful 3.5 readers.  The Siberian Yeti here.  I have heard that the American loser known as Bookshelf Q. Battler has occasionally escaped my surveillance and found ways to post onto this blog behind my back.  Worse, his Intergalactic Correspondent, Alien Jones, has some kind of super computer that is able to post onto this blog without even having access to it.  He must have a Commodore 1,064.

It is my understanding that this website is some kind of entertainment blog, operated by a lowly attention seeking nerd with nothing better to do with his free time than tell 3.5 people about his interests in books, film, and television.

This is apparently some kind of trend in the Western world.  “Oh!  Look at me!  Here is a picture of my lunch!  Oh, look!  A picture of my feet on the beach!”

Blah.  You know what they feed us for lunch in Siberia?  Better you not know but let’s just say, you don’t want to see a picture of it.

All criticism of your annoying “look at me” American ways, I suppose if I am going to be the Self-Appointed Ruler of this Blog (forever apparently, since Hell will freeze over before BQB reaches 4000 Twitter followers), then I had best, how do you say, “go with the flow” and review some of my favorite Russian entertainment.

First up is Olga’s Stewstravaganza II – Electric Stewgaloo.

First, a warning.  THERE WILL BE SPOILERS.  Yes, pitiful Americans.  All of the world there are people dying in shallow graves from all manner of diseases but the only thing that gets your ire up is when someone tells you what happens in one of your precious shows before you see it.

Second, if you have yet to see Olga’s Stewstravaganza Part One, I suggest you drop everything and go see it.  Ha, one guy just googled it to see if it exists.  That is funny.

But seriously, if you have not witnessed Olga’s antics in one, then you will never be able to comprehend two.

Part II picks up directly after the events of Part One.  Frumpy peasant woman Olga, who wears a coat fashioned from cow hide and chicken feather stuffing (the height of elegance in Siberia) has just vanquished all of her enemies, the degenerate low lives who tried to get between her and her pot of stew.

Now, she is left to simply cook her stew in peace.  And I must say, the suspense is unbearable.  In the opening scene, we see Olga’s hand holding a paprika shaker.  Will she add the paprika?  Won’t she?  Will she add oregano?  Will she add the floor sweepings?

Answer to all three questions?  Yes.  I told you there would be spoilers.  Stupid Americans.  You never listen.

By the middle of the film, we are introduced to Olga’s love interest, Ivan.  Ivan is a dedicated farmer.  Here, I will translate his first scene for you:

INTERIOR – POLLING PLACE

Ivan, a tall burly man with a mustache that reaches to his chest, picks up a ballot.  It reads:

ELECTION FOR PRESIDENT OF RUSSIA – PLEASE PLACE AN X NEXT TO YOUR SELECTION

1)  Putin  ___

2)  Putin  ___

3)  Putin ___

4)  Write-in Vote for Candidate Not Putin (Please attach instructions to your home, as well as times of day when you are asleep and at your most defenseless).

I won’t spoil it for you.  OK I will.  He votes for Putin.

Ivan then makes the long ride home to his village on a sleigh pulled by a team of twelve mangy, drooling oxen with flies swirling around their heads.  The ride takes two hours, and the director ensures we are not spared one moment of it.

Upon arrival at the village, Ivan realizes he forgot his wallet at the polling place.  We are left to watch the two hour journey back to the polling place, followed by the two hour return trip.

After six hours of driving oxen through the snow (a brisk 807 inches and therefore a mild winter for Siberia), Ivan passes out in front of Olga’s humble abode.

Olga brings Ivan in and revives him and the following scene transpires:

IVAN:  Olga, this stew is delicious.  What kind of animal did the meat come from?

OLGA:  Do you trust me, Ivan?

IVAN:  Da.

OLGA:  Good.  Because sometimes love means not knowing what kind of animal the meat in the stew you’re eating comes from.

“Sometimes love means not knowing what kind of animal the meat in the stew you’re eating comes from.”

I just wanted to repeat that for effect.  What a wonderful, beautiful film.  And you evil Americans give the Oscar to Birdman.  Patooie.  For shame.

Thank you 3.5 readers.  I will try to be a better ruler of this site and bring you more reviews until BQB reaches 4000 twitter followers.  And let’s be honest.  That will never happen.  Miley Cyrus will join a convent before that loser gets that many followers.

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Inside Bookshelf Battle HQ

By:  The Siberian Yeti, Newly Self-Appointed Ruler of the Bookshelf Battle

Muah ha ha ha!  Insolent Bookshelf Q. Battler thinks he can oust me from control of his wretched blog with a Twitter follower drive.  What an imbecile!

Let me put it this way, 3.5 readers.  Bookshelf Q. Battler will get 4000 twitter followers when I stop being engrossed in your 1990s era documentary about the Chicago based scientist, Mr. Steven Urkel.  In other words, he will never reach his goal because I will never tire of viewing Mr. Urkel’s contributions to the scientific world.  Frankly, Mr. Urkel is the only American I do not truly despise.

As I have taken up residence in the Bookshelf Battle Headquarters, perhaps I shall enlighten you into some of the things your beloved blogger is into?

First, let’s talk about Bookshelf Q. Battler’s taste in music:

Have you seen this loser’s playlist?

  • Katy Perry’s “This is How We Do” on an infinite loop!
  • Taylor Swifts, “Shake it Off” has been played by BQB 9,081 times!  (And that was just last Tuesday alone!)
  • He played Meghan Trainor’s “All About that Bass” so many times that he broke his last phone and had to replace it!
  • And Iggy, Iggy, and more Iggy.  This self-proclaimed tough man, this man who claims to be an adventurer, he cannot get enough of an Australian She-Rapper!  “Fancy.”  “Black Widow.”  “Work.”  “Bounce.”  He even has her early Melbourne based single, “Work ‘Dat Digiredoo!”

Movies:

  • Bookshelf Q. Battler claims to be a karate expert who trained Steven Seagal?  That’s funny, since the man owns very worn DVD of “Eat, Pray, Love!”
  • Streisand.  So many Streisand movies.  Not just her early stuff.  That new one with Seth Rogen that had less viewers than this infernal blog!

Food:

  • Nothing in his refrigerator.  Nothing in his pantry.  In his closet?  500 bags of Buffalo Ranch Doritos and a ten gallon drum of Mr. Pibb.  How is he still even alive?

Writing:

  • He claims to be hard at work on a serious novel, but all I see are 100 notebooks filled with Firefly fan fiction.
  • Also one notebook that just reads, “Katee Sackhoff-Battler” over and over.  Dude, as they say in your U S of A, “WTF?”

Extracurricular Activities:

  • Decoupage, Decopage, and More Decopage – Everything is covered with colored paper.  It was like he started and could not stop.
  • He collects thimbles, action figures, and potato chips that look like celebrities.  He has a particularly fetching pringle that looks exactly like Mayim Bialik.
  • Two words – VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY!

So, there you have it.  Continue to violate my control of your blog, Mr. Bookshelf Q. Battler, and I, your arch nemesis, the Siberian Yeti, will be left with no choice but to continue to share with your 3.5 readers the secret embarrassments that lurk within your Bookshelf Battle HQ!

Muah ha ha!  Yeti laugh, Yeti laugh!

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Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Ridiculous Technology

By:  The Siberian Yeti, Newly Self-Appointed Ruler of the Bookshelf Battle Blog

A question for you, 3.5 readers.

Is Bookshelf Q. Battler some type of wizard?  Is he a mage?  Does he dabble in the black arts?  Surely you, his trusted 3.5 readers, could shed some light on the subject.

I ask because I once assumed that with our Commodore 64, which allows us to play Tapper all the live long day, we Yetis were ripe with technological prowess.

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Behold!  The Commodore 64 in all of its glory.  It allows us to play Zork, Galaga, and Tapper.  So much Tapper.  We cannot get enough of Tapper.

But as I survey the Bookshelf Battle Compound, I notice many devices that make the Commodore 64 look like a pile of Yeti droppings.

Did Bookshelf Q. Battler create these using magic?  Or, do you all have these devices and we Yetis just did not get the memo?  Perhaps you did not share news of this technology with us because you lousy Americans wish to conquer Siberia and put a Hooters restaurant on every street corner.  You would probably even build street corners.

Bookshelf Q. Battler has a device not much larger than standard pad of paper.  It is a single piece of glass with a few buttons and when I press them I am able to watch movies.  Movies and television shows all day long.  Does anyone in America work?  Is everyone in your country an actor?

This magic glass device has a picture of an apple.  I don’t get it.  Is it supposed to tell you where you keep the apples?  In Siberia, we are only allowed three apples per year.  I usually barter mine for more toilet paper squares.

Plus, Bookshelf Q. Battler’s computer has a game on it called Skyrim.  Apparently, Mr. Battler was pretending to fight dragons and marry peasant wenches all day.  And yet he whines about having no time to write.  Typical American cry baby.

I must procure a copy of this game to bring back to Siberia.  All other Commodore 64 games pale in comparison, except Topper.  Nothing can beat Topper.

We Siberian Yetis do not appreciate being kept in the dark about your technology, America.  You will be hearing from our Yeti lawyers.

I must go now and check on Bookshelf Q. Battler.  I am forcing to watch Olga’s Stew-stravaganza Part II: Electric Stewgaloo.

Commodore 64 Image Courtesy of Flickr User Pete Brown via a Creative Commons License

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Yeti Book Review

Hello.  This is the Yeti.  I am reviewing a book.  Can you see it?  I don’t care.  It is a good book.  Buy it already.  Or don’t.  What do I care?  END OF BOOK REVIEW!

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