Hello. This is Bookshelf Q. Battler.
Sunday night, due to a complete and total failure on the part of my Head of Security, Bookshelf Battle Dog, the Bookshelf Battle Compound was overtaken by The Siberian Yeti.
Yes, that is correct. An abominable snowman.
He is treating me well. I am having a good time. He did not write this statement for me and is not forcing me to post it. The Siberian Yeti would never do such a thing because he is a representative of true communist principles, whereas I am an evil American capitalist pig and…
No. I’m sorry. I can’t do this. Up yours, Yeti! We were supposed to settle our differences like men, or, one man and one snow monster! I challenged you to a best 2 out of 3 roundhouse kick competition and you cheated!
Listen. This beast is making me watch Russian television and movies. Do you know what I’m watching right now? Olga’s Stew-gravaganza. That’s right. Two hours of a frumpy peasant woman cooking a stew. Will she overcook the stew? Will she add the right amount of salt? What will she put in the stew? I can’t take it. I’m going mad! Mad I say!
Curse you, Bookshelf Battle Dog! Why did I get such a small dog? I knew I should have gotten a Doberman!
Anyway, here’s a quick announcement:
Surely, the Yeti will listen to reason. If I can get 4,000 twitter followers, then he will probably let me go so I can stop watching TV shows about stew and get back to watching House of Cards, which I was totally in the middle of and now I’ll never know whether or not Frank gets AmericaWorks passed thanks to an incompetent dog and a smelly Yeti. If the Yeti realizes that enough people prefer my brand of witty humor over his commentaries about toilet paper rations, then he will bow and gracefully and return to Siberia like the loser that he is.
And here are some more reasons why I hate yetis. First, they are really….ARRRRGHHH!
Hello 3.5 readers. Siberian Yeti here. You read nothing. Bookshelf Q. Battler is delirious. He loves Olga’s show about her delicious stews. Nothing to see here. Move along.