Bears. Ninjas. Aliens. Asteroids. Highlanders. All have tried to get between me and my computer in a vain effort to stop me from bringing you a daily dose of Bookshelf Battle wit and wisdom. All have failed. Alas, evildoers don’t want your blog feeds to be filled with this much awesome. So here are a few more hypotheticals as to what dangers may unfold against my blog challenge, and how I will circumvent them so as to continue to bring you ongoing, uninterrupted book bloggery.
QUESTION: Apes.
ANSWER: What?
QUESTION: You are transported to the legendary Planet of the Apes. As a human, they afford you no rights and keep you as a slave. They will not allow you a computer to post on your blog.
ANSWER: I would lead a human slave revolution, overpower my simian captors, steal their computers, and blog about my victory.
QUESTION: You are placed onto a large, oversized slingshot.
ANSWER: A fear that constantly keeps me up at night. Go on.
QUESTION: You are loaded onto the slingshot at midnight, the enormous rubber band holding you is snapped, and scientific and mathematical analysis indicates that it takes 24 hours for a person snapped with an enormous slingshot to circumvent the circumference of the globe. You will spend an entire day in the air without any electronic devices.
ANSWER: Simple. I guide my carcass to the nearest flock of birds and explain to them that I need them to fly to the earth, abscond with a cell phone, and fly it back up to me. I use the phone to post, then have the birds return it to its rightful owner.
QUESTION: You’re on Dexter’s table.
ANSWER: Ridiculous! Only bad people end up on Dexter’s table! I am a delight!
QUESTION: He believes your blog is making people dumber. He has you wrapped up tight with saran wrap and is ticking off a list of reasons of how your posts make people stupid. His sharp knife is at the ready.
ANSWER: I offer to work his lumberjack job for him for a month if he lets me go. If that fails, I flex my muscles, break out of the saran wrap, and overpower the Bay Harbor Butcher. I then use his phone to post on my site.
QUESTION: Jabba the Hutt has frozen you in carbonite.
ANSWER: Preposterous. Hutts only freeze people who owe them money.
QUESTION: He took your Super Bowl action. A thousand space bucks on the Seahawks? Idiot.
ANSWER: Princess Leia will rescue me.
QUESTION: She doesn’t give a crap.
ANSWER: Luke.
QUESTION: Also doesn’t give a crap.
ANSWER: And I can’t reason with Jabba?
QUESTION: Nope. Admit it. You’re stumped.
ANSWER: I admit nothing. Clearly you have forgotten my signature move – the muscle flex. Everyone forgets the muscle flex. Ropes, chains, saran wrap, carbonite – I let the bad guys think they’ve beaten me and then…BAM! MUSCLE FLEX! And I have busted out of captivity. And then I steal Jabba’s phone and post. I post that I have defeated Mighty Jabba.
Bookshelf Battle 