HAZZARD COUNTY, GA – Flags are flying at half-mast in Hazard County as the citizenry pay their last respects to infamous lawman, Rosco P. Coltrane.
“Why I do declare this is the saddest day Hazzard County has ever known,” said County Commissioner Jefferson Davis “Boss” Hogg. “Sadder than that time Bo and Luke Duke were replaced for a season by Coy and Vance. Even sadder than that 2000’s movie with Johnny Knoxville. Rosco was a top notch Sheriff and an even better lackey/henchmen/bumbling dupe in my hair-brained schemes. Why, if you were to total the numerous times I was disappointed when my schemes and scams aimed at relieving the Dukes from their precious farm failed miserably, you would still not begin to reach the level of disappointment I feel at having lost our beloved Sheriff Coltrane.”
“Every week it was pretty much the same thing,” said Deputy Cletus Hogg, who has long insisted his hiring as Deputy had nothing to do with nepotism. “We’d chase them Duke boys. For some reason Rosco would have a hard time finding them even though they drove a bright orange charger with a confederate flag painted on it in a backwater area that didn’t have that many cars to begin with. Eventually, the chase would end with them Duke boys getting away and Rosco’s car ending up smashed or in a ditch or something.”
When asked why Sheriff Coltrane never bothered to reconnoiter with state police and arrest the Dukes at their Uncle Jesse’s farm, where they lived out in the open, Deputy Hogg scratched his head and replied, “Damn. Wish we’d thought of that. Oh well.”
Bo and Luke Duke were interviewed at Uncle Jesse’s farm. When contacted by this reporter, they were loading jugs of clear liquid into the back of the General Lee, which they insisted were not moonshine.
“We’re very sad to have lost our arch nemesis,” Bo said. “We realize though that Rosco was more or less a puppet of Boss Hogg so we never really held a grudge against him.
“Even though there was that time that Boss Hogg tried to evict Uncle Jesse from the farm under false pretenses,” Luke said.
“And that time he tried to frame Uncle Jesse to get the farm,” Bo added.
“Pretty much every week Boss Hogg and Rosco were trying to get their grubby mitts on the farm,” Luke said.
Cousin Daisy was unavailable for comment as she was busy cutting the legs off her jeans. Uncle Jesse was too busy making clear liquid, which he too insisted was not moonshine. However, in a display of his trademarked Southern hospitality, stated to this reporter, “Y’all come back now, ya heah?”
Local mechanic Cooter thanked Coltrane, noting that the weekly repairs he had to make to Coltrane’s car following botched chases with the Duke boys allowed him to retire a rich man.
Sheriff Coltrane passed peacefully. His last words were, “Gyoo gyoo, gyoo gyoo! Them Dukes, Them Dukes!!!”
In a related story, James Best, the actor who played Coltrane, also passed. He was awesome and in addition to Coltrane, appeared in a number of serious roles. He will be missed.
Some might argue that since Best appeared in over 80 movies and 600 TV shows, it’s a bit unfair that he’s best remembered for playing a bumbling incompetent Southern Sheriff. However, most press reports read by this reporter indicate that Mr. Best was a good sport and was cool with it.