Bookshelf Battle

Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Bookshelf Q. Battler, a Poindexter of World Renown

His 3.5 readers know him as a World Renowned Poindexter, Reviewer of Books, Movies and Assorted Cultural Happenings, Champion Yeti Fighter, and Blogger-in-Chief of the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

But few are aware that this gregarious geek has also discovered the answer to life’s most vexing question:

Why do they always forget to put the sauce in your bag when you buy fast food chicken nuggets?

Ooops.  Wrong question.  Here it is:

What is the meaning of life?

True understanding of mankind’s purpose doesn’t come easy.  Behold, here’s how our illustrious hero’s dorktastic adventures began:

Intro – BQB explains why he wrote this story.

Tessa Fireswarm, one of the more unruly characters inhabiting BQB’s magic shelf.

Part 1 – A Toaster Pastry Too Far – As caretaker of a magic bookshelf where small versions literary characters come to life and fight over limited shelf space, BQB’s life isn’t easy.  Most of his free time is spent keeping these pint sized protagonists from burning the Bookshelf Battle Compound down.  Our tale begins when Young Adult Fiction Star Tessa Fireswarm wakes BQB up in the middle night by firing arrows at a copy of Tales of the Lost French Children. Unable to get back to sleep, BQB devours a lightning infused toaster pastry and croaks on the toilet whilst trying to expel it from his nether regions.

(And you thought that story you crumpled up and threw in your trash can was far fetched.)

Part 2 – Twenty-Three Skadoo – Our noble nerd finds himself in an afterlife speakeasy straight out of the 1930’s.  In fact, a waitress who bears a striking resemblance to a beloved female celebrity from his generation who died too soon insists on keeping him soused to the gills so as to keep him from freaking out, as most newcomers to the afterlife tend to do.  A refined British gentleman with balding hair and a codpiece takes a seat.

Part – 3 – A Place Between Heaven and Hell – William Shakespeare explains that he’s BQB’s spirit guide. We learn more aboutthe waitress.

Part 4 – God’s Waiting Room – The man upstairs puts famous dead celebrities on rotating shifts to hang out in an afterlife speakeasy, thus making people sound crazy when they tell their story after they’re allowed to return to the land of the living.

Part 5 – The Return Kiss – Bookshelf Q. Battler has a hard time thinking up anyone who’d miss him if he remained croaked. When he finally thinks of someone, the waitress sends him back with a smooch.

The Waitress Who Bears a Striking Resemblance to a Much Beloved Female Celebrity from Your Generation Who Died Too Soon (Who does she look like to you?)

Copyright (c) 2015 Bookshelf Q. Battler.  All Rights Reserved.  

Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

Attorney Donnelly notes that BQB’s magic bookshelf characters are meant for parody purposes (poking fun at literary characters both classic and modern.)