Hey 3.5 readers. A reminder, the Oscars are too pretty. We ugly people are tired of not seeing anyone as ugly as we are on the silver screen. We’re here. We’re ugly. Get used to our wretched ugliness. #OscarsSoPretty
However, if you want to check out the anti-ugly Oscars between Walking Dead commercial breaks, it’s a free country.
Here are my Oscar predictions:
Casey Affleck – Manchester by the Sea
Ryan Gosling – La La Land
Andrew Garfield – Hacksaw Ridge
Viggo Mortensen – Captain Fantastic
Denzel Washington – Fences
WHO SHOULD WIN: Denzel is getting up there in years, though he’s still hanging in there. He’s won before, but this might be one of the last few chances for him to take home Oscar gold before he moves into that stage where he starts playing Grampa. Viggo Mortensen has also been a staple of Hollywood for a long time but has yet to take home a statue.
WHO WILL WIN: Either Casey Affleck, because Hollywood loves the Afflecks, or Ryan Gosling because it appears that La La Land is going to sweep the awards. If I have to choose, I’ll go with Gosling.
Isabelle Huppert – Elle
Ruth Negga – Loving
Natalie Portman – Jackie
Emma Stone – La La Land
Meryl Streep – Florence Foster Jenkins
WHO SHOULD WIN: Emma Stone. She’s a rare combination of beauty and personality, a hot chick who seems like she’s read a book. Though she’s young, she’s been in the entertainment game a long time and Hollywood loves her. Had Natalie Portman not taken home the gold for Black Swan, I’d say give it to her though since she’s been in the game longer. As for Meryl Streep, she really doesn’t need another one.
WHO SHOULD WIN: Emma Stone. All reports indicate it is La La Land’s year.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Masherala Ali – Moonlight
Jeff Bridges – Hell or High Water
Lucas Hedges – Manchester by the Sea
Dev Patel – Lion
Michael Shannon – Nocturnal Animals
WHO SHOULD WIN: Michael Shannon. The ugly have been denied their due for far too long. Shannon has made a career off of playing evil villains and weirdoes due to society’s stereotypical, predisposed notions that all ugly people are evil villains and/or weirdos. I’d rather see him win for playing a respectable person, but the fact that Hollywood allowed an ugly person on screen at all is miraculous, so we have to take baby steps whenever we can. Normally, when a movie calls for an ugly character, they just use makeup to ugly up a pretty person, so that an actual ugly person was not only allowed to be on screen but also nominated is amazing.
WHO WILL WIN: Masherala Ali. He is a good actor and you may know him as Remy Danton from House of Cards. He also stars in Hidden Figures, one of the other nominated films. Nothing against the guy, I’m just ugly so I feel like I have to root for my fellow uggo Michael Shannon. Masherala will have many more chances to take home an Oscar, whereas this year Hollywood’s anti-ugly police might realize they fell asleep at the switch by letting Shannon past the gate and then next year they may slam the door on all ugly actors forever. We uggos have to get while the getting is good.
BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Viola Davis – Fences
Naomie Harris – Moonlight
Lion – Nicole Kidman
Octavia Spencer – Hidden Figures
Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea
WHO SHOULD WIN: Tough call. Out of this group, it’s hard to pick one who will get the short end of the stick because, other than Kidman, they’ve all been getting the aforementioned short end for awhile now. Viola Davis was nominated for 2009’s Doubt and 2012’s The Help, so she’s due. Octavia Spencer was nominated for 2012’s The Help so she’s due. Michelle Williams has been nominated for a slew of films dating back to the mid-2000s Brokeback Mountain so she might even be overdue. Naomi Harris I haven’t heard much from though better film nerds might tell me what else I’ve seen her in, though as far as I know her performance in Moonlight is deserving. Hell, even though Nicole Kidman has already won, one might argue even she is getting long in the tooth and while her ex-husband Tom Cruise will be allowed to make Mission Impossible movies until he’s in a wheelchair (and even then), she probably doesn’t have much longer until she starts playing Grandma. All in all, it’s a deserving group overdue for Oscar love, so it’s hard to pick someone to root for other the others.
WHO WILL WIN: My frenemy Leo McCoy (the man who once delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek) and I will be rooting (even though I just said it was hard) for Michelle Williams, largely because we have fond memories of her playing town slut Jen Lindley on Dawson’s Creek. However, all reports indicate this is Viola Davis’ year and that works for me as she’s been waiting a long time too.