Network News One Transcript #2
KURT MANLEY, NN1 ANCHOR: …witnesses on the scene reported that a grand total of forty-nine orphans died in the fiery plane crash. It would have been a cool fifty had the fiftieth orphan not had the foresight to feast on the charred remains of his tiny companions, thus giving his body the much needed nutrition it required in order to stave off hunger until the rescue team arrived. We here at Network News One wish little Timmy a speedy recovery and may God one day grant this tyke the mental strength necessary to push the unspeakable acts of cannibalism he committed in order to save his own oily hide aside so that he will be able to live a productive and prosperous life. In other news, a civil war has broken out in the third world nation of “NoOneCanPronounceThisShittyCountry’sName-istan.” Reporting live from the war zone is our own Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties, are you there?
(Cut to a bombed out, depleted battlefield. A beautiful, blue eyed, buxom blonde woman stands in the middle of the wasteland, wearing a helmet and holding a microphone. Her flak jacket is zipped low so as to reveal copious cleavage).
HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Thank you, Kurt. I’m coming to you from “NoOneCanPronounceThisShittyCountry’sName-istan,” risking my life to bring you the latest updates from the front.
(Bullets whiz inches over the reporter’s helmet. Off in the distance, a missile hits a building, causing it to explode).
KURT MANLEY: God bless, Hot Ass Chick with Big Titties. How did this war break out?
HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Well, Kurt, tensions have long been on the rise between the country’s two rival factions, the “DoWhatWeSayorTakeaMacheteUpYourTaint-tarians” and the “ObeyUsOrGetanRPGUpTheButt-ians.” The UN has attempted for several years to broker a peace deal between the leaders of these opposing movements, but alas, both sides have different viewpoints on how the country should be run.
KURT MANLEY: Please explain, Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties.
HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Scholars and historians have written extensively on the various nuances surrounding this conflict, but it basically boils down to the fact that the “DoWhatWeSayorTakeaMacheteUpYourTaint-tarians” believe that everyone should do what they say or take a machete to their taints, whereas the “ObeyUsOrGetanRPGUpTheButt-ians” maintain that people should obey them, lest they get a rocket propelled grenade up the butt.
(A tank rolls across the horizon, far behind the reporter.)
KURT MANLEY: Fascinating. We’ll be checking back with you throughout the day for further developments, Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. Stay safe, and protect your titties.
HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Thanks Kurt. I will.
KURT MANLEY: In other news, a tractor trailer truck full of adorable baby kittens has rolled over on the freeway just outside of Milwaukee…
(Cut to footage of an overturned tractor trailer truck on the highway with thousands of kittens pouring out of the back of the trailer. Police and firemen chase the kittens, scooping them up in their arms).
KURT MANLEY: Here to report on this situation is Another Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. Another Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties, are you there?
(Yet another beautiful blonde, blue eyed woman appears on screen. She wears business attire that shows copious cleavage. She holds a fluffy, wide-eyed kitten in her arm and her microphone in her free hand).
ANOTHER HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: I’m here, Kurt. There’s pussy, pussy everywhere as Route 55 has been flooded with fancy felines. Although the toxicology reports have not yet come back from the state lab, authorities believe the accident was the result of the driver attempting to inject a liquefied form of black market horse erection medication directly into his veins while trying to merge onto an offramp at the same time. Horse erection medication is a controlled substance and of course, using it while driving is a criminal offense.
KURT MANLEY: It sure is, Another Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. Of course, I only know that for news reporting purposes and only news reporting purposes.
ANOTHER HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Now, the authorities are doing everything they can to round up these rambunctious little rascals but they say it’s like, well, trying to herd cats. In fact, the state highway patrol’s office has stated that anyone who wants a free pet is welcome to come on down and grab a pussy. Grab as many pussies as you want, two or three at a time if you want. All of these pussies are up for grabs.
KURT MANLEY: Isn’t that something? Thank you, Another Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. Keep us update on this very important story and let us know when all of those pussies have been grabbed.
ANOTHER HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: I sure will, Kurt.
(Cut to Kurt, back in the studio.)
KURT MANLEY: In sports, the quarterback of the East Randomtown Mascots shot his balls off last night when the firearm he had illegally concealed in his sweatpants went off accidentally. Word has it that the Mascots might fine the quarterback ten thousand dollars, a palpable hit to his multi-million dollar salary. We go now to…oh wait…hold on, folks…
(Kurt presses his finger against his earpiece and nods).
KURT MANLEY: That story about the ball shooter will have to wait. Ladies and gentlemen, I have terrible news. Drop whatever you are doing, send the kids out of the room and sit down. Maybe pour yourself a brandy to take the edge of. Say a prayer to your preferred deity, then do some yoga. Maybe engage in some meditation and self-reflection. Do whatever you need to do to prepare for this shocking news: a celebrity has died. I repeat, “a celebrity has died.” Someone who entertained you is no longer alive and although you never met this person or had any idea what this person was like off camera, you should feel like a pile of rotten garbage right now. You should weep uncontrollably, take the next week off of work to mourn, and above all us, write ten thousand posts on Lifebox about your favorite memories of this artist.
(Kurt shuffles some papers. He appears choked up.)
KURT MANLEY: Now America, we here at Network News One pride ourselves on having the hottest blonde reporters with the biggest titties, but as you know, the news happens when it happens. It doesn’t check with our schedule first. We’re doing our best to get a Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties to work this story but for now, our affiliate reporter, Natalie Brock, will have to do. Everyone, please try to ignore Natalie’s frumpy school marm hairdo and those mosquito bites she tries to pass off as knockers. Natalie’s obviously one of those people who got into the news business because someone, somewhere told her she was smart or something and it never dawned on her that she just doesn’t quite have the look. Even so, she’s very brave for appearing on TV with her looks and is a real trooper in my book. Natalie, what’s going on?
(Cut to Natalie Brock, standing outside the Sunnyside Arena. Police cars and ambulances with flashing lights are stationed behind her).
NATALIE BROCK: Kurt, sad news in the music industry tonight as Sally Ann Dubawitz, better known to the world as pop star sensation Countess Cucamonga, has been murdered at the age of twenty-eight.
KURT MANLEY: Sweet Jesus!
NATALIE BROCK: I know. It’s a shock that someone so universally adored would be cut down in her prime.
KURT MANLEY: Well, that, but I had no idea her name was “Sally Ann Dubawitz.” You mean she wasn’t really a Countess?
NATALIE BROCK: Not at all, Kurt.
KURT MANLEY: You learn something new everyday. Now I understand you have some footage of the crime scene?
NATALIE BROCK: Indeed I do, Kurt and I must stress that it was a very bloody, gruesome scene, so viewer discretion is advised.
KURT MANLEY: Did you hear that, folks? If you’ve got a gut full of stew, you might want to take five. Your fault if you end up blowing chunks all over your carpet. Don’t send NN1 the cleaning bill.
(Cut to footage of the inside of Natalie’s dressing room.)
IRVING, COUNTESS CUCAMONGA’S MANAGER: Jesus H. Fuck!
(The camera captures Natalie standing inside the doorway to the bathroom, but no carnage is visible yet).
NATALIE: Walt, are you rolling?
(The camera turns and captures Walt’s chubby face, zits and all.)
NATALIE: Are you rolling?
WALT: Oh, yeah, sure am.
(The footage goes on for a full minute with Walt staring at the lens, occasionally sticking out his tongue and licking his lips.)
WALT: Is my tongue supposed to be so white? I should get that looked at…
(Cut to Natalie at the arena).
NATALIE BROCK: Obviously, we had some technical difficulties there.
KURT MANLEY: Obviously. Now Natalie, what have some of the music industry’s most esteemed representatives had to say?
NATLIE BROCK: Kurt, there has been a massive outpouring of sympathy for the Countess and her friends and family. In fact, rapper Lady Steez posted moments ago, “Countess Cucamonga was a pioneer in the world of ass related music. If she hadn’t had the courage to sing about her fat ass, I never would have had the courage to rap about my fat ass.”
(Kurt wipes away a tear, then pats his heart).
KURT MANLEY: I’m sorry. That just got me, right here. Very touching.
NATALIE BROCK: Meanwhile, rapper Stank Daddy has already recorded a tribute song, filled with lyrics about the Countess’ ample posterior, set to the rhythm of a popular 1970s track.
KURT MANLEY: Wow, that was fast.
NATALIE BROCK: Yes, and by rapping over a popular old song, this allows Stank Daddy to appear fresh and new, as though he invented the song himself.
KURT MANLEY: Brilliant. Thank you Natalie, our Miami affiliate reporter who must shop at the world’s tiniest brassiere store. Come to think of it, do those things even need support? Seems like a waste of fabric if you ask me. We’ll be staying on the story of Countess Cucamonga’s untimely demise, but first, let’s cry our eyes out during a commercial break, shall we? Sports and weather in the next hour and oh, don’t forget that there’s a brand of toilet paper that could give you the Ebola virus. Don’t wipe until we tell you which one it is.
(Cut to a banner that reads, “Network News One”)
ANNOUNCER: You’re watching Network News One. The Hottest Blonde Chicks. The biggest titties. Oh yeah, and sometimes we even report the news and shit.