By: Leo McCoy, the Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek
Howdy doo, 3.5 heathens.
Today, I want to talk to you about a very important holiday. This Sunday marks the resurrection of our lord and savior Jesus H. Christ. Two thousand and seventeen years ago, Jesus was dragged through the streets, beaten worse than a dog, then nailed to a cross to become a martyr for our sins.
You really took one for the team, J-Dawg, and I for one remember you every time I get caught by the cops in my motel room with a fist full of dollar bills in one hand and a Vietnamese lady boy’s fake tits in the other. “I’m but a mortal man,” I say. “I am not responsible for any of this and that’s why Jesus had to die so that I could be saved.”
Are you a dirty, rotten, lowlife sinner? You probably are. We all have our sins. Maybe you steal ladies’ underpants and sniff them or maybe you cheat on your wife or maybe you cut the “Do Not Remove” tags off of your mattress or something. That last sin is especially unforgivable. I mean, the tag says, “Do Not Remove.” It’s not like it’s hurting anything by being there. You never know when a mattress inspector might need to come check on your mattress tag an if he ever does, you and your scissors made his job that much harder. Be ashamed of yourself. Very ashamed.
Yes, Jesus deserves our love and respect on the two main holidays that celebrate him. That’s why on Christmas, the celebration of Jesus’ birth, we worship a fat North Pole dweller who gives presents to all the children. That’s why on the occasion of his death and glorious resurrection, we worship a bunny that hops all over creation, leaving chocolate statues of himself for children to find.
But while we do a pretty good job of remembering Jesus, I must say that we do a terrible job of remembering James Van Der Beek.
Yes, many years ago, that flaxen haired teen heartthrob had a fabulous acting career ahead of him. He could have taken any part, but instead, he took a role as Dawson on Dawson’s Creek. And while he wowed us for many years and dared us to dream about what it would be like if our best friend was our rival for our love interest while at the same time, our hearts yearned to leave our hometown and travel far, far away to LA to become a movie director, James was forever typecast.
Sadly, after Dawson’s Creek ended, no one was able to see James as anyone but Dawson ever again. James could have skipped the Creek and could have become a mega smash hit box office leading man, but he cared about us and our love of the Creek. In effect, his movie career died for our sins. James Van Der Beek is the Jesus of Hollywood.
That’s why this Sunday, I will not only say a prayer to Jesus, but also to JVDB. Ever since I delivered a sandwich to that god who walks like a man, I have lived my life by one motto and one motto alone – “What would James Van Der Beek Do?”
“WWJVDBD?” I’ve got it tattooed on every part of my body and I even wear I bracelet to remind myself of that very important question. You should do the same, 3.5 readers. You should definitely do the same.