Tag Archives: easter

Happy Easter, 3.5 Readers

Oh, 3.5 readers.  What would I do without you?

Thank you for being my 3.5 readers.  Enjoy your day.

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Nine Weeks of Toilet Gator Sundays!

Happy Easter, 3.5 readers.  Do yourself a favor.  Cancel all your plans with family and friends.

Instead of that whole mess, kick back with a beer and a chocolate bunny and read the greatest novel ever written about an alligator who pops out of toilets and bites people on the butt.

toilet-gator-book-1

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Top Ten Best Kinds of Easter Candy

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Ahh, Easter.  That wondrous holiday where Christians celebrate the glorious resurrection of their lord and savior, Jesus Christ…by finding colorful eggs hidden by an anthropomorphic bunny rabbit.  Additional activities include eating a lot of food and finding baskets full of candy, which is also eaten…almost immediately.

Candy is the name of the game with this post, 3.5 readers.  From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Best Kinds of Easter Candy:

#10 – Orange Jelly Beans

All other jelly beans stink compared to the orange ones.  Why do they even make black licorice jelly beans?  Who is the asshat that steal eats those?  Someone must be or they’d stop making them.

Sure, cherry or lemon or other types of fruity beans will do.  Jelly Belly makes some fine gourmet jelly beans.  I’m a fan of their buttered popcorn and toasted coconut beans.  But when it comes to maximum deliciousness, it’s orange all the way.

Seriously.  Handing me a black licorice jelly bean and telling me it is just as good as an orange jelly bean is like handing me Lena Dunham while she’s eating cake on the toilet and telling me she’s just as hot as Megan Fox.

Was that a mean, rude and insensitive comment?  Probably.  But that’s how much I love orange jelly beans.  Give me one of those plastic bags shaped like a bunny’s carrot where the orange beans turn the carrot orange and I’m good for the day.

#9 – Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Eggs

You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!  You got your peanut butter in my chocolate!

Who cares?  Delicious and nutritious (although probably not really) I say.

I like to bite the chocolate off of the peanut butter and then eat the peanut butter after the chocolate has been bitten off.  It just seems like a fun thing to do, although now that I think about it, it’s probably a blow to chocolate/peanut butter desegregation.  These two flavors really deserve to mix together in my mouth and be happy.

#8 – Cadbury Mini Eggs 

Mmm.  Sweet chocolates on the inside.  Sweet candy shell on the outside.  They’re like cocaine to me.  If they sold them all year round I’d be a diabetic by now.  Kids, lay off the candy, that’s some shit you don’t want.  Adults, it’s not too late for you.  Lay off that shit too.

#7 – Cadbury Creme Eggs

Speaking of diabetes, is there anything sweeter than the cream inside a Cadbury Creme Egg?

Personally, I always bite the chocolate top off of one of these bad boys, then I’ll get my tongue up that…well, that makeshift hole and start licking and slurping until all that creme is gone and…wait….are we still talking about candy?

#6 – Whoppers Robin Eggs

Malt.  It’s kind of an old fashioned flavor.  Don’t believe me?  Ask someone who was alive in the 1950s if they ever visited a “malt shoppe.”  But Whoppers never gave up on the malty goodness.  I prefer to suck on these delicious chocolatey malt balls (yes, I know how that sounds) and let the malt seep into my tongue until it pickles.

#5 – Russell Stover Easter Eggs

When you’re done performing cunnilingus on that Cadbury Creme Egg (you know you will now that I suggested to it you if you weren’t doing it before), it’s time to graduate to the Russell Stover eggs.

That Russell Stover does some good shit with chocolate eggs, let me tell you.  Creme, marshmallow, you name it.

#4 – Starburst Jelly Beans

While I still maintain that all jelly beans should be orange and only orange, if you can’t get your hands on any orange beans, or jelly bellies, then Starburst beans are pretty fruity and flavorful.  They’ve put many pounds on my butt over the years.  Also, not a single black licorice in the bunch.

#3 – Hershey’s Carrot Cake Kisses

You know, I could be engaging in candy rating malpractice, largely because I’ve never had one of these before.  They are new, but people tell me they are orgasmic and to die for.  This surprises me because I feel like carrot cake is ok.  I mean, I’ll eat it if it’s there but I’ve never been like, “OMG I have a carrot cake craving and I must have it!”  Still, many people have given these high marks, so I’ll add them to the list.

Have you had one?  Tell me what you think.

#2 – Peeps 

Yummy marshmallow inside.  Delicious sugary coating on the outside.  Get the bunnies and bite scores of ears off, or get the chicks and behead them with your teeth.  Yes, you get your jollies off by torturing candy animals, don’t you, you big weirdo?

#1 – Chocolate Bunnies

Speaking of torturing candy animals, is there a candy animal that is abused more than the chocolate bunny?

Seriously.  What do you bite off first?  The ears, of course.  Yes…bite those ears off, so that little hollow rascal can’t hear you as you laugh and laugh at his pain, as you guffaw and chuckle at his helpless state!

Not that I’ve thought this through.  Ears, face, butt.  That’s how I eat a chocolate bunny.  How about you?

Your Favorite Candy

Did I fail to talk about the horrible things I would do to your favorite Easter candy?  Tell me in the comments.

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The Real McCoy – Easter is a Time to Remember James Van Der Beek

By: Leo McCoy, the Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek

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Howdy doo, 3.5 heathens.

Today, I want to talk to you about a very important holiday.  This Sunday marks the resurrection of our lord and savior Jesus H. Christ.  Two thousand and seventeen years ago, Jesus was dragged through the streets, beaten worse than a dog, then nailed to a cross to become a martyr for our sins.

You really took one for the team, J-Dawg, and I for one remember you every time I get caught by the cops in my motel room with a fist full of dollar bills in one hand and a Vietnamese lady boy’s fake tits in the other.  “I’m but a mortal man,” I say.  “I am not responsible for any of this and that’s why Jesus had to die so that I could be saved.”

Are you a dirty, rotten, lowlife sinner?  You probably are.  We all have our sins.  Maybe you steal ladies’ underpants and sniff them or maybe you cheat on your wife or maybe you cut the “Do Not Remove” tags off of your mattress or something.  That last sin is especially unforgivable.  I mean, the tag says, “Do Not Remove.”  It’s not like it’s hurting anything by being there.  You never know when a mattress inspector might need to come check on your mattress tag an if he ever does, you and your scissors made his job that much harder.  Be ashamed of yourself.  Very ashamed.

Yes, Jesus deserves our love and respect on the two main holidays that celebrate him.  That’s why on Christmas, the celebration of Jesus’ birth, we worship a fat North Pole dweller who gives presents to all the children.  That’s why on the occasion of his death and glorious resurrection, we worship a bunny that hops all over creation, leaving chocolate statues of himself for children to find.

But while we do a pretty good job of remembering Jesus, I must say that we do a terrible job of remembering James Van Der Beek.

Yes, many years ago, that flaxen haired teen heartthrob had a fabulous acting career ahead of him.  He could have taken any part, but  instead, he took a role as Dawson on Dawson’s Creek.  And while he wowed us for many years and dared us to dream about what it would be like if our best friend was our rival for our love interest while at the same time, our hearts yearned to leave our hometown and travel far, far away to LA to become a movie director, James was forever typecast.

Sadly, after Dawson’s Creek ended, no one was able to see James as anyone but Dawson ever again.  James could have skipped the Creek and could have become a mega smash hit box office leading man, but he cared about us and our love of the Creek.  In effect, his movie career died for our sins.  James Van Der Beek is the Jesus of Hollywood.

That’s why this Sunday, I will not only say a prayer to Jesus, but also to JVDB.  Ever since I delivered a sandwich to that god who walks like a man, I have lived my life by one motto and one motto alone  – “What would James Van Der Beek Do?”

“WWJVDBD?”  I’ve got it tattooed on every part of my body and I even wear I bracelet to remind myself of that very important question.  You should do the same, 3.5 readers.  You should definitely do the same.

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Happy Easter 3.5 Readers

You are appreciated.  Go forth.  Celebrate and eat chocolate bunnies.

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Hoppy Easter

BQB here.

Hoppy Easter!  Bah ha ha…see what I did there?  I switched “happy” with “hoppy” because of the Easter bunny.  I’m so witty.

Alien Jones is taking another Sunday off.  He is fully recovered after being hit by a space bus.  However, today his planet celebrates a holiday that is similar to Easter, except it involves honoring a holy bunny who died for the planet’s sins.  To get the children involved in the holiday, they’re told a bearded human man with sandals will hide baskets and eggs around the house for them if they behave.

He hasn’t forgotten your questions and swears on a stack of space bibles that he’ll return next week.  Until then, enjoy these eggs:

Justice Legg of America

“The Justice Legg of America – Fighting Crime with a Side of Bacon” – via a Creative Commons License by Flickr User JD Hancock

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