By: Leo McCoy, The Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek
Hello 3.5 readers.
Leo “The Real” McCoy here, back once more to bring this pitiful blog some much needed pizzazz, ambience, and an overall joie de vivre. That’s some classy French talk I heard some fancy lady say once. Impressed? Yeah, I thought so.
Look at you people, going to your jobs, saving your pennies, day dreaming about your goals and aspirations. You know what I call you people? Slackers! Utter failures! Losers!
Sorry, but someone had to say it and we all know Bookshelf Q. Battler wasn’t going to. “Oh I’m BQB and I love my 3.5 readers!” Bleh. Gag me with a slightly moist argyle sock worn a regular basis by an eighty-nine year old man.
You know I think you’re all chumps? Because you should have accomplished your life’s work by now. Stop working towards something and just do that something already. The earlier the better.
Seriously. Who knows for sure how much time we have? You’ve got to treat every day like it’s your last and that means you have to achieve what you have been dreaming of TODAY. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Not next year. TODAY!
Once you achieve what you’re after, you’ll be living on easy street. Doesn’t matter how poor you are, how downtrodden you are, how crappy your life becomes. You can hold your head up high and be happy because you did what you needed to do. You achieved your life’s purpose and so you can now coast for the rest of your life.
But I get it. Not everyone can be as lucky as me, Leo “The Real McCoy. Not everyone gets the opportunity, at age 19, to deliver a reuben sandwich, a bag of barbecue chips and a bottle of Dr. Pepper to their idol, one Mr. James Van Der Beek, star of the late 1990s WB hit sensation, Dawson’s Creek.
The Beek on the Creek. Wow. I remember that day like it was yesterday. “Sir, here’s your order and might I say that when I look at you, it’s like I’m staring at the visage of a Greek god who was cast out of Mount Olympus and forced to mingle with us mere mortals for a time.”
His reply? “Thank you. Keep the change and go away please.”
Yes. Go away, I did. And at that young age, my life was complete. I didn’t need to go to college, or become a doctor or a lawyer or get married or have kids or get a real job or quote unquote, “do something meaningful and productive with my life.”
Why? Because before I reached age 20, I did what God intended me to do. God put me on this planet to make sure that James Van Der Beek would not go hungry or thirsty on one day in particular so he could concentrate on entertaining the viewers of the Creek.
Twenty years later, I’m proud to say I did what you wanted me to do God. I did all that you intended for me to do. I’m so proud of myself for doing it. In fact God, I’d love it if you could let me stay alive and well on this planet for at least another sixty some odd years or so, just so I can inspire others to reach their full potential and do what you put them here to do by regaling them with my inspiration tale of how I delivered James Van Der Beek his lunch.
What’s your sandwich, 3.5 readers? Who is your James Van Der Beek? What are you supposed to do? Figure out why God put you here. Determine what God was thinking when he put you here. When he put me here, he said, “I need Leo ‘The Real’ McCoy to exist so that one day James Van Der Beek will not be hungry or parched.” That’s what God say when he made me.
What did God say when he made you? You don’t want to disappoint God, 3.5 readers. When you get to the pearly gates and God asks, “Hey, did you do that thing you were supposed to do?” You don’t want to throw God all kinds of lame excuses. You don’t want to be all like, “No, sorry God, I was too busy playing Madden football on my X-Station or whatever it’s called.”
“Sorry God. I didn’t reach my full potential because I was too busy feeding my cat, brushing my hair, eating tacos, braiding my toe hair, washing my testicles with a scrub brush, sleeping in late because my alarm broke and oh yeah I just didn’t give a shit because I was filled with massive amounts of ennui despite the wonderful, miraculous gift of life you gave me so uh, yeah I’ll just be in the corner now and you’ll have to make another person to do the shit that I was supposed to do. Thanks.”
That was my impression of you. That’s what you’ll sound like if you don’t get up off your butt and do what you’re supposed to do.
Think I’m worried about meeting God? No. When I meet him I can say, “No sweet, G-man. Remember way back in 1998 when James Van Der Beek was hungry and thirsty? I had it covered so uh, let me into heaven, man. I want to check the scene, maybe tip back a few cold ones with Abraham Lincoln and snort some lines off of Marilyn Monroe’s knockers.”
Well. Maybe I won’t mention that last part. I mean, it’s Heaven so technically you ought to get to do what you want but, I’m pretty sure Heaven Marilyn is clean and sober now.
In conclusion, stop wasting time! Go do what you were meant to do right now…like, RIGHT FREAKING NOW!
You’ll be so glad once you get it done because as soon as you do whatever it is, then you can just totally flog the monkey and watch cartoons and drink brewskis and eat nacho cheese chips for like the next 50-60 years. Totally sweet.
Good luck doing what you are supposed to do, 3.5 readers and oh, if you see BQB, give him a kick in the old stink berries for me, Leo “The Real” McCoy.
You’re welcome for this amazing advice that you clearly do not deserve.