Happy 4th of July, 3.5 readers.
Today, we celebrate our independence from the evil British, with today being the anniversary of the day on which George Washington swam across the Atlantic Ocean and karate chopped King George in the nads until he signed over all rights to America.
I’m pretty sure that’s how the story goes.
Do you doubt America’s awesomeness? Well then, you sir, must be a Communist…gasp, a British person. Probably skulking around, just biding your time until you can make your move to retake America for the Queen and make us all eat Shepard’s pie with incredibly bad teeth and make us say “quite” instead of “very” and “cheerio” instead of “goodbye.” There’s a redcoat hanging in your closet right now as we speak, isn’t there? ISN’T THERE?
I’m onto your evil schemes, British person.
Anyway, from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Reasons Why America is Super Awesome.
#10 – The Freedom of Speech
We have it written into our Constitution and if you’ve ever wondered why America is the entertainment capitol of the world, what with a thriving movie and music industry, this is why.
Though things have become a bit more tense lately since the 2016 election, as a general rule, most Americans embrace the fact that people shouldn’t be jailed for saying what’s on their mind.
Thus, every Saturday Night, we watch a little show called “Saturday Night Live” where the rich and famous, the powerful, and yes, even the President, is openly mocked. Not only is no one put in jail the next day, being mocked on Saturday Night Live is considered a sign that you’ve made it.
I can write this blog and say wacky things and not worry about getting jailed for it.
I’m what you’d call a “free speech purist.” That means you have the right to say anything at all, no matter how horrible, and not go to jail. That means you can walk through Times Square in New York City wearing a shirt that says “I Love Hitler” and should not end up in the hoosegow.
There are some people who misunderstand that. They’ll think, “what do you love Hitler? Is that why you defend someone doing that?” No. Not at all. I just think that allowing people the right to engage in foolish speech guarantees our right to engage in non-foolish speech.
The more power you give to the government to regulate speech, the more they’ll abuse it. Today “I love Hitler” is banned. Tomorrow, “I think the government is doing a bad job and here’s why” will be banned.
Free speech isn’t completely free. There are limits, but they’re self imposed by society, by the marketplace of ideas. The guy with the “I love Hitler” shirt won’t go to jail, but he probably is going to have a hard time finding a job or a date once his love of Hitler is known. It’s better for our society to self-regulate speech than to leave that power to the government.
#9 – Big Titties
I believe it was Patrick Henry who once said, “Give me the liberty to see big titties or give me death!”
I haven’t engaged in a worldwide titty study but America has a thriving fake titty industry. Freedom of speech=thriving entertainment industry=a lot of women get big ole fake titties in the hopes of becoming the next super star.
You can think this is a bad development if you wish but I wouldn’t want to live in a world without big titties. This is why the American Revolution started, you know. King George was confiscating all the titties.
#8 – It’s the best place in the world to be poor.
Yeah, I’m sorry, but it is. I’m not saying being poor is great. I’m not saying poor people have it good. I’m just saying America does a lot to look out for its poor. People can debate whether or not we can do more, but I mean, come on, if you were born in America you one the world’s lottery as it is better to be poor here than most other countries.
#7 – You Be You, I’ll Be Me
The general idea of America is that most people who came here were tired of the bullshit in the other countries. “I don’t want to be hacked to pieces or go to war over religion, ideas, cultural clashes, etc. I just want to get a good job, work, make money, raise a family.”
That’s it. All there is to it. Yes, there are many ways we can improve and we don’t always succeed but as a general rule, but the general idea is that this is a place where you can have one religion, your neighbor can have another one, your other neighbor can believe something else and yet the overall idea is we are all supposed to live and believe how we deem best but come together on the important things we can agree on.
#6 – Grocery Stores/Fast Food/Lots of Food
The good news? Compared to many other countries, we are lousy with food. The bad news, there are actual food scientists who sit around all day, dreaming up new ways to make me fatter. Whenever you see a commercial for buffalo wing stuffed crust pizza, you know your ass is going to get fatter.
But, we just have to Peter Parker that shit and remember that with great power comes great responsibility. It’s better to have a lot of food to keep people from starving, but don’t eat yourself to the point where you need a little rascal to get around.
#5 – Bald Eagles
They’re getting scarce, and that’s plain wrong. We should set up a preserve where bald eagles can have lots of down and dirty bald eagle sex, thus preserving our nation’s symbol for generations to come.
#4 – We Defeated Hitler
I know there are a lot of skeletons in America’s closet. Slavery, what happened to the Native Americans, etc. There’s no shortage of stories about bad shit that went down during our nation’s infancy.
We must not forget these travesties but we should also remember the good, namely, when the world was about an inch away from being conquered and forced to eat sauerkraut and bratwurst forever, America put on its big boy pants and saved the day.
Now we only eat sauerkraut and bratwurst when we want to, not because Hitler wants us to.
#3 – Space
We’ve down so much to conquer the boundaries of space. We’ve only scratched the surface though. America should renew its past commitment to NASA.
#2 – Hot Dogs
Oh what? Like you’re too good to eat a meat product comprised of butcher factory floor sweepings.
#1 – Everyone Wants to Come Here
People do like to dump on America, and they do, a lot, because, remember, we have the freedom of speech. No place is perfect but when so many people are trying to get here everyday, you have to admit, that must be a sign we’re doing something right.
What do you think is the best about America? Discuss in the comments.