Dirk and Natalya had settled into a cozy, private bedroom in the Imperial Honcho’s estate. Together, they eased back onto the bed and engaged in a rousing game of big league tonsil hockey.
“Oh Mr. Smegma,” Natalya cried as she ran her hands through her new lover’s hair.
“Please. Call me Dirk.”
“Oh Dirk! Your scent it’s so…manly.”
“Nothing but one hundred percent Eau de Dirk, baby,” Dirk said. “I find that the more cologne I put on, the more I mask my naturally macho odor and when I do that, the ladies are left disappointed.”
“I’m sure you do all you can to avoid being a disappointment,” Natalya said.
“In life and in the bedroom, baby,” Dirk said as he went in for another kiss, only to be rebuffed when Natalya pressed her finger up against his lips.
“Hold that thought, darling. I must tinkle.”
“I understand,” Dirk said. “You wouldn’t be the first woman to lose bladder control in my presence and I doubt you’ll be the last. Do hurry back my dear.”
As Natalya retreated to the bathroom, Kendra squawked in Dirk’s ear. “Dirk! What are you doing?!”
“Uh,” Dirk whispered into a tiny microphone implanted in his shirt collar. “What does it sound like I’m doing? I’m about to get my pickle tickled, duh!”
“Have you placed the tracker on the Imperial Honcho’s toilet yet?” Kendra asked.
“Not now, K-Diddy,” Dirk said. “I’ve got a piece of fabulously wealthy Russian cooze to attend to.”
“We’re on a tight schedule here!” Kendra said.
“Oh I know it’s going to be very tight,” Dirk said. “But don’t worry, I’ll squeeze it in.”
“Pervert,” Kendra said. “Do I really have to go over the mission particulars with you?”
“I’d rather you didn’t,” Dirk said. “But you will anyway…”
“Damn right I will,” Kendra said. “As we speak, Skippy Jr. is waiting in the septic tank. We have twenty minutes before the guards on our payroll bury the tank so they can avoid being caught. You need to get to that toilet, mark it, get the hell out of there and leave Skippy Jr. enough time to chow down on the Honcho, and exit out of the tank just in time to be snatched by the skyhook.”
“Which leaves me roughly five minutes to plant my skyhook in some snatch,” Dirk said. “Plenty of time.”
“Five minutes?” Kendra asked. “I wouldn’t brag about that.”
“Bshh bzzt,” Dirk said. “Oh no, Special-K, you’re breaking up…”
“Don’t you cut me off, Smegma,” Kendra said.
“Bzzt bshhk,” Dirk said. “Oh my God I’m just going to have to enjoy some meaningless, gratuitous sex with a beautiful woman and then go save the day.”
“Dirk,” Kendra said. “Gamble with your own life all you want, but you’re putting Skippy Jr. at risk.”
“Skippy Jr.?” Dirk asked. “Who cares? He’s just a dumb alligator. If we lose him we can just get that crazy professor to make some more.”
A third voice entered Dirk’s earpiece. “Raarga.”
Dirk’s eyes widened. “Oh…hey Skippy Jr., how are you doing buddy?”
“Gee whiz,” Dirk said. “I didn’t know this was a party line.”
“Don’t mind him, Skippy Jr.,” Kendra said. “He knows not what he does.”
The bathroom door opened. Natalya stepped out. She had changed into a skimpy, silky piece of lingerie. She’d let her hair down and removed her shoes.
“I’m sorry I took so long, Dirk,” Natalya said. “I had to change into something more comfortable.”
Dirk gulped as he checked out Natalya’s body. “Mind? No, I don’t have a mind at all.”
“You’ve lost your mind,” came Kendra’s voice into the earpiece. “You think women just walk around with a sexy outfit to change into? The bitch is probably a spy.”
Dirk ignored Kendra and patted a spot on the bed next to him. The lady sat down, kissed Dirk passionately, then lifted her leg up into the air, landing the foot on Dirk’s right shoulder.
“Tell me, Dirk,” Natalya said. “Are you a leg man?”
“I’m actually an ass man,” Dirk replied. “Though I’ve never been one to sneeze at a pair of getaway sticks as lovely as these.”
“Getaway sticks?” Natalya asked.
“Just a fun term we use for legs in the U.S.,” Dirk said. “Because they’re a couple of sticks a woman can use to get away.”
Natalya used her foot to push on the side of Dirk’s head until he laid back on the bed.
“I love my legs, don’t you?” Natalya asked.
“Oh sweetheart,” Dirk said. “I love everything about you.”
“Gag me,” came Kendra’s voice.
“Tell me, Dirk,” Natalya said. “Do you enjoy the taste of a woman?”
“Meh,” Dirk said. “I prefer to receive than give, baby, but I’m always down with a little cunnilingus if the favor is returned.”
Natalya straddled Dirk’s face, leaving a panty clad vagina to land right on his face.
“Oh,” Dirk said. “Hello there, that’s quite a…mmpphh!”
“Dirk,” came Kendra’s voice. “I’m reviewing Natayla Snatchatova’s file and it’s no good. You need to get out of there right now.”
Natalya pushed herself further down onto Dirk’s face, leaving the agent so he could barely breathe. “Mmpph!”
“Her father is Anatoly Popov’s number one campaign contributor,” Kendra said. “She’s involved in all sorts of black market dealings…”
“How’s that, my love?” Natalya asked.
Dirk’s muffled cries for help grew more serious. “Mmmph!”
“She’s a top hit woman for the FSB,” Kendra said. “Interpol suspects of her murdering fifty men with her vagina alone.”
Dirk grabbed hold of Natalya’s legs and pushed up with all his might. Finally, he gasped for air and was able to speak. “Do…you…expect me to…lick?”
“Muah ha ha!” Natalya said. “No, Mr. Smegma. I expect you to die!”
Natalya clamped her legs down around Dirk’s head, leaving the hero feeling as though his cranium was trapped in a silky smooth vice. He gasped for air as he stood up. He flailed about the room but it was of no use, as Natalya refused to release her snatchtastic grip.
Dirk ran into a wall, hoping the blow would knock his assailant off, but she simply grinder her lady business into the agent’s face harder.
“Dirk?” Kendra asked. “Are you alright? Jesus, you’re literally going to be killed by a pussy, aren’t you? No surprise there.”
Completely blinded by vagina, both on a personal but more importantly, on a physical level, Dirk felt around the room until he found the bathroom door.
“Muah ha ha!” Natalya cried. “Die, Mr. Smega! Die by the lips of my vatrushka!”
Dirk stumbled into the bathroom. He pulled a small black box out of his pocket and flipped a switch, causing a light on the device to blink red. He then tossed the gadget into the toilet.
Crack! Dirk thrashed his attacker into the mirror, smashing it into pieces. Natalya was unfazed, her sole focus on murdering Dirk with her beaver.
“Poor Mr. Smegma,” Natalya said as she tightened the grip of her legs around the back of Dirk’s neck. “I’m so sorry you must leave but you must admit darling, there are worse ways to go.”
The toilet rumbled.
“Dirk,” came Kendra’s voice. “Please tell me you didn’t…”
Dirk grabbed the woman and pushed her away from his face with all his might. Natalya was strong, causing Dirk’s muscle’s to strain as he pushed.
Boom! The toilet exploded, sending porcelain shards everywhere. Dirk managed to hurl the woman off of his face just in time for her to land inside…the jaws of a hungry toilet gator.
Skippy Jr. was just a big as his father – fifteen feet long and over a thousand pounds. His sheer bulk pushed Dirk right out of the bathroom, leaving him to land on the floor. As he caught his breath, he could hear Natalya’s blood curdling screams, followed by the sound of bones snapping between a pair of gator jaws.
“That is the absolute last time anyone ever talks me into giving a little mouth to the south!” Dirk declared.
Skippy Jr. waddled out of the bathroom. “Raarga.”
Dirk patted the gator on the head. “That’ll do, gator. That’ll do.”
“Dirk,” Kendra said. “Please don’t tell me you just wasted the one and only tracker you had on a toilet not being used by the Imperial Honcho.”
“OK,” Dirk said. “I will not tell you that.”
A fist pounded on the bedroom door. “This is the Imperial Honcho’s Select Guard! What’s going on?”
“Oh,” Dirk said. “Hey there, fellas. Everything’s fine.”
“We heard strange noises,” the guard said.
“Oh yeah,” Dirk said. “You know me. I can get kind of wild in the sack.”
“We’re coming in,” the guard said.
“What are you going to do now, doofus?” Kendra asked.
“Now?” Dirk asked as he climbed onto Skippy Jr.’s back. “I’m going to improvise.”