Daily Archives: July 6, 2017

The History of Farts – Prehistoric Cave Farts


While scientists and theologians may differ on how the world was formed, there can be no doubt that the world is here.  I mean, seriously, if the world isn’t here, then where are you reading this book?  In the vast reaches of space?  Apologies if you are an astronaut reading this but I doubt that you are.  A highly intelligent space traveler would never be hoodwinked into plunking down good money on a book about farts, believe me.

But I digress.  The world is here and people have been dwelling upon the planet for a long time.  Will we ever know what it is like to be a caveman?  Sure.  Just walk into any frat house at a major university.  I kid, I kid.  Not really.

No.  We can’t know exactly what it was like to be a caveman, but thanks to a highly scientific project at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University, we have developed a better understanding of what prehistoric cavemen thought about farts.

Dr. Hugo von Science, a longtime contributor to the Bookshelf Battle Blog, discovered a perfectly preserved caveman brain in a block of ice.  After determining this brain to be, “really freaking old, like thousands upon thousands of years old,” the good doctor developed a device that allowed the user to learn everything the owner of this brain thought about farts.

Behold, the thoughts in their original caveman gibberish, translated into English:

CAVEMAN THOUGHT                                                    TRANSLATION

Ooga booga.                                                                    He who smelt it, dealt it.

Ugga bugga.                                                                    He who denied it, supplied it.

Wooga wagga.                                                         He who heard it first, purveyed the juicy turd    burst.

Grakka flarga.                                                        He who sayed it, sprayed it.

Ribble robble.                                                        He who detected it, ejected it.

Skoogol kruz.                                                         He who announced it, pounced it.

Yes.  As you can see, dear reader, the “smeller vs. denier game” or the delicate dance in which the first person to detect the presence of a fart engages in a war of words with the first person to deny being the source of the fart, has existed virtually since the dawn of time.

So the next time you feel bad for being caught in brown handed in the midst of an olfactory offense, just remember, your prehistoric ancestors, while they weren’t busy bashing each other with clubs and hunting mastodons, were accusing each other of stinking up the cave.

Puts things in perspective, doesn’t it?


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Movie Review – The Belko Experiment (2017)

Blood!  Guts!  Gore!  Mass murder!

BQB here with a review of the totally twisted psychological thriller/horror flick, “The Belko Experiment.”

In Bogota, Columbia, 80 Americans work in a high rise tower owned by the international corporation, “Belko Industries.”  High security cuts the building off from the outside as the employees conduct their business in South America.

One day, completely at random, a scary voice comes over the loudspeakers.  The employees are told they are expected to kill a certain number of their fellow co-workers by a certain time.  Should they fail, even more employees will be killed.  Even worse, actions are taken to assure the employees that this demand is real and not a joke.

As you might expect, chaos reigns supreme as a group of once mild mannered office workers go batshit crazy.  Factions are raised.  Sides are taken.  Lines are drawn and crossed.

Employee Mike Milch (John Gallagher Jr.) takes the noble position that murder is not acceptable under any circumstances, that everyone should just remain calm, refuse to kill anyone, and it will all pass.  He and his followers focus on survival and escape.

Meanwhile, company boss Barry Norris (Tony Goldwyn) takes the utilitarian approach, i.e., it would be better to kill the number of people demanded rather than allow even more people to get killed.  To that end, he creates his own murder squad with his sidekick, the uber creepy Wendell Dukes (John McGinley in his douchiest role yet and that’s saying a lot for a man who has made a career of playing douches.)

Overall, the movie is more than a bit sick and twisted.  There’s gore aplenty and the body counts really rack up, with mass executions being put on full display in which employees are rounded up, herded like cattle and summarily murdered.  It’s definitely one of the scarier, more gruesome horror flicks I’ve seen in a long time.

There’s definitely a disturbing theme throughout.  I mean, how well do you think you know your co-workers?  Sure, that guy who plugs along at work all day and gives you a warm smile when you pass him in the hallway seems nice enough, but do you really have any way of knowing that he wouldn’t hack you to pieces if it ever came down to you or him?

What is a life worth?  Are older people worth less than the young?  Are parents worth more than those without children?  All these questions are asked and more as Norris attempts to come up with the most efficient formula for committing utilitarian murder.

Who is right?  Is Milch right that there is never a circumstance where murder is justified?  Is Norris right that it’s better to kill some in order to save many?

Just how much chaos needs to be introduced into a normally sane environment before everyone goes nuts, picks up whatever implements of destruction they can find and start chasing each other down?

Overall, the film is tight.  It moves fast.  There are many parts that are downright gross and disturbing to say the least.  While we hope that a “Belko Experiment” is never conducted, I have a hunch that this film has, more or less, accurately predicted how a building full of office workers would react if somehow their usually comfortable work environment were to descend into a “Lord of the Flies on Acid” situation.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Rent it now on demand.






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