Tag Archives: fourth of july

Happy 4th of July

Happy 4th of July, 3.5 readers.

Alas, you have been without me for 14 days now.  A whole fortnite (the period of time, not the video game.)

Long story short, a lightning strike near BQB HQ knocked out my Internet router.  Took me awhile to get a new one and to get it up and running, so sadly, I wasn’t able to entertain you with my tales of mirth and merriment.

I hope you all have a good holiday, continued our yearly gloatfest, lording it over those Brits about how George Washington karate chopped King George in the nutsack to win our independence.

Ironically, we’re taxed more and regulated in more ways than King George ever dreamed of.

Oh well.  Pass the hamburgers, please.

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Top Ten Reasons Why America is Super Awesome

Thumbs-Up-American-Flag-Enhanced-With-Drop-Shadow

Happy 4th of July, 3.5 readers.

Today, we celebrate our independence from the evil British, with today being the anniversary of the day on which George Washington swam across the Atlantic Ocean and karate chopped King George in the nads until he signed over all rights to America.

I’m pretty sure that’s how the story goes.

Do you doubt America’s awesomeness?  Well then, you sir, must be a Communist…gasp, a British person.  Probably skulking around, just biding your time until you can make your move to retake America for the Queen and make us all eat Shepard’s pie with incredibly bad teeth and make us say “quite” instead of “very” and “cheerio” instead of “goodbye.”  There’s a redcoat hanging in your closet right now as we speak, isn’t there?  ISN’T THERE?

I’m onto your evil schemes, British person.

Anyway, from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Reasons Why America is Super Awesome.

#10 – The Freedom of Speech

We have it written into our Constitution and if you’ve ever wondered why America is the entertainment capitol of the world, what with a thriving movie and music industry, this is why.

Though things have become a bit more tense lately since the 2016 election, as a general rule, most Americans embrace the fact that people shouldn’t be jailed for saying what’s on their mind.

Thus, every Saturday Night, we watch a little show called “Saturday Night Live” where the rich and famous, the powerful, and yes, even the President, is openly mocked.  Not only is no one put in jail the next day, being mocked on Saturday Night Live is considered a sign that you’ve made it.

I can write this blog and say wacky things and not worry about getting jailed for it.

I’m what you’d call a “free speech purist.”  That means you have the right to say anything at all, no matter how horrible, and not go to jail.  That means you can walk through Times Square in New York City wearing a shirt that says “I Love Hitler” and should not end up in the hoosegow.

There are some people who misunderstand that.  They’ll think, “what do you love Hitler? Is that why you defend someone doing that?”  No.  Not at all.  I just think that allowing people the right to engage in foolish speech guarantees our right to engage in non-foolish speech.

The more power you give to the government to regulate speech, the more they’ll abuse it.  Today “I love Hitler” is banned.  Tomorrow, “I think the government is doing a bad job and here’s why” will be banned.

Free speech isn’t completely free.  There are limits, but they’re self imposed by society, by the marketplace of ideas.  The guy with the “I love Hitler” shirt won’t go to jail, but he probably is going to have a hard time finding a job or a date once his love of Hitler is known.  It’s better for our society to self-regulate speech than to leave that power to the government.

#9 – Big Titties

I believe it was Patrick Henry who once said, “Give me the liberty to see big titties or give me death!”

I haven’t engaged in a worldwide titty study but America has a thriving fake titty industry.  Freedom of speech=thriving entertainment industry=a lot of women get big ole fake titties in the hopes of becoming the next super star.

You can think this is a bad development if you wish but I wouldn’t want to live in a world without big titties.  This is why the American Revolution started, you know.  King George was confiscating all the titties.

#8 – It’s the best place in the world to be poor.

Yeah, I’m sorry, but it is.  I’m not saying being poor is great.  I’m not saying poor people have it good.  I’m just saying America does a lot to look out for its poor.  People can debate whether or not we can do more, but I mean, come on, if you were born in America you one the world’s lottery as it is better to be poor here than most other countries.

#7 – You Be You, I’ll Be Me

The general idea of America is that most people who came here were tired of the bullshit in the other countries.  “I don’t want to be hacked to pieces or go to war over religion, ideas, cultural clashes, etc.  I just want to get a good job, work, make money, raise a family.”

That’s it.  All there is to it.  Yes, there are many ways we can improve and we don’t always succeed but as a general rule, but the general idea is that this is a place where you can have one religion, your neighbor can have another one, your other neighbor can believe something else and yet the overall idea is we are all supposed to live and believe how we deem best but come together on the important things we can agree on.

#6 – Grocery Stores/Fast Food/Lots of Food

The good news?  Compared to many other countries, we are lousy with food.  The bad news, there are actual food scientists who sit around all day, dreaming up new ways to make me fatter.  Whenever you see a commercial for buffalo wing stuffed crust pizza, you know your ass is going to get fatter.

But, we just have to Peter Parker that shit and remember that with great power comes great responsibility.  It’s better to have a lot of food to keep people from starving, but don’t eat yourself to the point where you need a little rascal to get around.

#5 – Bald Eagles

They’re getting scarce, and that’s plain wrong.  We should set up a preserve where bald eagles can have lots of down and dirty bald eagle sex, thus preserving our nation’s symbol for generations to come.

#4 – We Defeated Hitler

I know there are a lot of skeletons in America’s closet.  Slavery, what happened to the Native Americans, etc.  There’s no shortage of stories about bad shit that went down during our nation’s infancy.

We must not forget these travesties but we should also remember the good, namely, when the world was about an inch away from being conquered and forced to eat sauerkraut and bratwurst forever, America put on its big boy pants and saved the day.

Now we only eat sauerkraut and bratwurst when we want to, not because Hitler wants us to.

#3 – Space

We’ve down so much to conquer the boundaries of space.  We’ve only scratched the surface though.  America should renew its past commitment to NASA.

#2 – Hot Dogs

Oh what?  Like you’re too good to eat a meat product comprised of butcher factory floor sweepings.

#1 – Everyone Wants to Come Here

People do like to dump on America, and they do, a lot, because, remember, we have the freedom of speech.  No place is perfect but when so many people are trying to get here everyday, you have to admit, that must be a sign we’re doing something right.

What do you think is the best about America?  Discuss in the comments.

 

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Happy 4th of July 3.5 Readers

Happy 4th of July, 3.5 Readers.

Feel free to tell me your favorite patriotic book in the comments.

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A Brief History of the American Revolution

Happy 4th of July, 3.5 readers!

May your day be filled with fireworks, revelry, and delicious barbecued wieners.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here to kick the holiday off in style with a brief history of the American Revolution.

“Tax that tea so that I might purchase more elaborate coats!” – King George III

Frankly, kids these days, what with their addiction to the Interwebs and what not, have no idea how their country got started and it’s high time someone educated them.

HOW IT ALL STARTED

The colonials loved their tea.  All day long, they’d sit around the hearth and say, “‘Ello guvna, I fancy a spot of tea I do!”

They found tea exceptionally delicious and drank that shit morning, noon and night.  The only time when you’d never see a colonial with one tea cup in his hand is when he’d have two tea cups, one in each hand.

The King of England, a foppish nancy boy if there ever was one, hated the colonials and decided to get their goat good.

“I’ll tax the shit of the colonials’ tea!” he declared and tax the shit out of the colonials’ tea he did.

In fact, the original act began as follows:

A PROCLAMATION BY THE KING TO TAX THE SHIT OUT OF THE COLONIALS’ TEA

Be it hereby resolved that:

  • The colonials love their tea.
  • I hate the colonials because I’m the King and I’m a super sized a-hole.
  • That the colonials should have to pay out the wazoo for their hot beverage of choice.

Riots ensued and British tea merchants were placed into cannons and shot into the stratosphere.

Finally, it all culminated in the Boston Tea Party, an event in which colonials dressed like Native Americans and hurled tea crates into the watery depths of Boston Harbor.  So much tea was tossed into the harbor that even today at high tide passersby often are known to remark, “Holy shit this whole place smells like camomile!”

Yes, those colonials were so steadfast in their anti-tax beliefs that they were brazen enough to cause a great financial loss to the King’s tea merchant associates, yet still wanted to preserve the ability to say, “Hey, it wasn’t us!  It was those damn Injuns!” if called on it by the Crown.

The Continental Congress

“I totally bagged more French chicks than Jefferson.” – Ben Franklin

The Continental Congress is one of the oldest political institutions in America.  Among the more relevant points deliberated:

  • Jefferson or Franklin – who gets more French chicks?
  • Should we call ourselves the Independent Republic of Suck it, King!
  • Who will supply our wig powder if trade ties are cut with England?
  • How serious are we about this “all men are created equal” hullabaloo?
  • I mean, we’re just paying lip service to equality right?
  • Should we actually make a list of all the people that should be treated equally or should we just allow subsequent generations to duke that shit out over the next several hundred years?

The Declaration of Independence

Our founding fathers, fed up with the King’s d-baggery, enlisted Thomas Jefferson to pen the Declaration of Independence.  The first draft was nothing more than an engraving of a giant middle finger.  The second draft simply stated, “Suck it, King!”  (“Suck it King” was the unofficial companion slogan to the more well-known “Don’t Tread on Me.”

Here’s the third draft.  It too was inevitably left on the cutting room floor:

DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE

Be it resolved that:

  • The King has poopy pants.
  • And further, that the King should suck the proverbial “it.”
  • Seriously, we can’t stand that guy.  He smells bad and he taxes our tea so that he can purchase elaborate coats and commission portraits of himself wearing them.
  • All we’re trying to do is drink some reasonably priced tea and chill the F out without damn redcoats being quartered in our houses.

The American Revolution

As stated in the “Official British War Manual,” the rules for the Royal Army were as follows:

“Surely we shall prevail for our uniforms are the brightest and fanciest!” – Lord Cornwallis, British General

  • All soldiers shall wear extremely bright red coats.  If possible, please draw targets on them, or failing that, simply write the words “Shoot here” over the heart and various vital organ regions.
  • When entering the field of battle, all men must march side by side in a straight line directly towards the source of the enemy gunfire, preferably in as conspicuous a manner as possible.
  • It is required that a drummer boy shall bang constantly on the drum to announce the Royal Army’s arrival.  If a drum is unavailable, shouting, “ATTENTION ENEMY!  BE FOREWARNED THAT WE HAVE ARRIVED!” shall suffice.

Yes, since time immemorial, it had been a longstanding tradition for armies to march straight toward each another, announce, “WE’RE HERE!” and then shoot and hack each other to bits in an orderly fashion.

However, General George Washington, the Revolution’s keen military commander, advised his troops to deviate from typical strategy in two important ways:

1)  Hide behind various trees, bushes, and shrubberies

2)  Wear dark clothing that blends into the outdoor habitat

These changes led to the Redcoats’ having their clocks cleaned.  One battlefield historian took notes on the British Army’s reaction:

REDCOAT #1 – I say!  Their coats are dark in color and difficult to focus our fire upon!  The nerve!

REDCOAT #2 – Quite right, quite right.  And these scallywags aren’t even announcing their presence at all!  Highly unsportsmanlike if you ask me!

The End of the War 

The American Revolution came to an end when George Washington sailed all the way across the Atlantic Ocean, walked right up to the King’s palace and challenged George III to a best two out of three roundhouse kick to the face competition.

This announcement of the competition is located in the Museum of Fake History:

HEAR YE, HEAR YE!

Know all ye that:

GENERAL WASHINGTON, COMMANDER OF THE REVOLUTIONARY ARMY

DOTH CHALLENGE

HIS ROYAL MAJESTY, KING GEORGE III

To a Competition of Roundhouse Kicks to the Face.

Each party shall take turns in attempting to land a kick to the opposite party’s face.  A point worthy hit shall only be noted by the judges if the kicker’s boot heel lands squarely in the middle of the kickee’s face.

Cheek or chin hits shall be registered as unacceptable.

Whoever reacheth two out of three kicks to the opposing face shall be declared the victor.

Should King George III win, he shall have the right to rule over the Colonies Across the Ocean and to Tax the Shit Out of their Tea Until the End of Time.

Should General Washington win, the Colonials shall obtain the right to start a new nation, one that they will likely screw up themselves anyway.

Yes, many minstrels and poets have memorialized in written verse the epic bravery displayed by George Washington when he planted not one but two round house kicks to the face of George III, who never landed one on his opponent.

Our hero's face, unkicked and preserved on the quarter as a final

Our hero’s face, unkicked and preserved on the quarter as a final “up your nose with a rubber nose” to those pesky crumpet chewers.

America was set free and a capital city, a state, a monument, and a damn high school every hundred miles or so were named after Washington in honor of his badassery.  His face (unkicked) was even emblazoned on our currency as a reminder to the British that our hero’s mug was left unscathed.

Gen. Washington’s roundhouse kick to the face victory would not be recreated until 2015, when Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Yeti met on the field of battle to resolve their a struggle over control of the Bookshelf Battle Compound.  BQB totally beat that smelly yeti.

Aftermath

Having relieved itself of British oppression, America expanded westward.  Many American leaders stated, “So much land, just ripe for the taking!  Surely no one will notice!”  To wit many Native Americans replied, “Dudes, we can totally hear you.”

Over two hundred and some odd years later, America, though it isn’t without its share of problems, is a land of opportunity, one where freedom of speech is protected, even if you’re a lowly nerd blogger with a pitiful showing of 3.5 readers.

Ironically, a nation that began as the result of a tea tax dispute has levied more taxes than King George ever could have dreamed up.  You’ve got your Federal tax, State tax, property tax, estate tax, excise tax, tax tax (that’s when you get taxed on your tax), sales tax, gas tax, passing gas tax (a surcharge on your discharge, as it were), and last, but not least, a cornucopia of fees that you have to pay whenever you want the clerk at whatever government office you’re visiting to stamp whatever damn form you happen to be filing at the moment.

In a double twist of irony, tea is more reasonably priced than ever, but no one drinks that shit anymore.

In All Seriousness

There isn’t a country I’d rather live in than America.   There are many reasons, but the top one is that I can post this diatribe without fear of reprisal.

(I mean, I could anyway, because it’s not like more than 3.5 people are reading, but still, it’s nice to have freedom of speech as well).

Happy 4th of July,

Bookshelf Q. Battler

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Fourth of July Reads

Happy 4th of July from bookshelfbattle.com!

While you’re waiting for those hamburgers to cook, here are some patriotic book suggestions:

1. 1776, John Adams or pretty much anything by author David McCullough. In fact, if you’re too tipsy from knocking back cold ones at the barbecue, you could always watch John Adams on demand on HBO.

2. Band of Brothers by Stephen Ambrose – also available as a series on HBO.

3. Lone Survivor by Marcus Luttrell – Check out my review here.

4. No Easy Day: The Firsthand Account of the Mission That Killed Osama Bin Laden by Mark Owen. Again, if you’re still groggy from multiple cold one consumption, you can just watch Zero Dark Thirty Both provide interesting portrayals of the hunt for America’s most wanted and despised terrorist.

5. The Red Badge of Courage – Stephen Crane

6. The Green Berets by Robin Moore. Beer? Yeah, that’s ok. They made an awesome classic movie based on the book starring John Wayne.

7. Anything by the late Tom Clancy, though if I had to choose one, it would be The Hunt for Red October Yes, there is a movie starring Sean Connery and Alec Baldwin, but ok, you might have a drinking problem.

8. The Fort by Bernard Cornwell – set during the American Revolution

9. 1775 by Kevin Phillips – about the year leading up to the American Revolution.

10. Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln by Doris Kearns Goodwin, which provided the basis for the Lincoln movie starring Daniel Day Lewis.

These are just some of my recommendations, but is not an exhaustive list by any means. Did I miss one of your favorites? Feel free to share it in the comments below. Happy 4th!

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