Daily Archives: July 1, 2017

TOP TEN WORST TV SHOW ENDINGS/SERIES FINALES EVER #8 – How I Met Your Mother (2004-2014)

Hey 3.5 readers.  Your old pal BQB here.

I’ve been working on this list a long time now and I never seem to run out of TV shows that ended badly.

Today, I want to talk about a great show that sadly screwed the pooch in the end.  Yep, I’m talking about the long running series “How I Met Your Mother.”

Oh and FYI – SPOILERS!  So, if you haven’t watched it yet, don’t read below.

Ironically, I never watched this show while it was on the air.  I assumed it was one of many vapid CBS comedies about young, beautiful people pretending to have problems but they don’t really have them.  “Waah, boo hoo I’m so pretty and so sad.”

But as it turns out, it’s not that bad at all.  Funny, the first episode I saw was the last one.  After hearing about this show about a man telling his kids the story of how he met their mother for years, I figured it might be interesting to check out the final show where he meets “the mother.”

At the time, I thought it was nice but then over time, I went back and streamed the show from the beginning on Netflix and…yeah…that ending sucked the big one.

Unlike many sitcoms where you can come in at any time and not be lost, this series really is cumulative and better watched from the beginning.

The best short description I can give it is that it is “Friends” for the tail end of Generation X (or the beginning of the Millenials, depending on how you’re keeping score.  I know that can be confusing as “Friends” was also a big show for Generation X (but the older Gen Xers.)

Ted (Josh Radnor), Robin (Cobie Smulders), Marshall (Jason Segel), Lily (Alyson Hannigan) and Barney (Neil Patrick Harris) five youngsters just trying to make it in Manhattan.

As they go forth into the world, the show explores a variety of issues that often affect people as they move from their early twenties into their thirties or in other words, as they escape adolescence and struggle to make the best of adulthood.

Each character suffers career setbacks – i.e. their chosen professions don’t work out anywhere near the way they thought.

The characters suffer losses – i.e. parents grow old and die or decide they don’t like each other anymore and get divorced.

They experience regret and suffer sadness over thinking “What if this” and “If only I had done that” and they learn how to cope with the fact that there’s no time travel machine for them to use to go back in time and prevent themselves from making mistakes.

They all suffer romantic heartaches and Ted suffers the most.

The show is narrated from the perspective of an older Ted (voiced by Bob Saget).  Ted, an older man, calls his young children into his home office, sits them down in front of his desk and begins to tell them the story of “How I Met Your Mother.”  The show runners showed a great deal of foresight as to the show’s longevity as they recorded a number of interactions with the kids that could be used to interact with Older Ted (who we don’t see  until the very end sitting at the desk, it’s just assumed he’s there talking to the kids).

Over the course of ten seasons (this is reflected as the kids often joke about their father’s horribly long winded story telling style), we see Ted move from a young, recent college graduate to a mature adult man.

Ted is madly in love with Robin, who he sees as his end all, be all, the perfect woman, the woman that can bring all sorts of eternal happiness to his soul.

We’ve all met someone like that and we all know it feels pretty shitty when that love goes unrequited.  Even worse, an experience like that can make us doubt future relationships.  After all, if you met someone who gave you butterflies, won’t it feel like settling if you end up with someone who doesn’t?  But then again, how likely is it to get that butterfly feeling in your life more than once?  Should you really wait for it to come again?

Life is complicated as the show tells us.  Though it is filled with great humor, we learn that life’s greatest problems aren’t all black and white.  Sure, you could hate Robin for denying Ted…or you could understand that Robin wants something very different than what Ted wants.

Ted dreams of a stable home life filled with kids and a loving wife who adores him and will work on house projects with him and shop for curtains and so on.  Robin dreams of becoming a big time TV reporter, traveling the world, going on awesome adventures and making a lot of money.

Thus, as much as these two do love each other, Robin at least realizes she probably would not have the type of personality that Ted yearns for in the long run.

The show moves on.  Ted meets a series of woman.  Each time, we wonder if this woman will be “the mother.”  Ted is abused by some of these women and at other times, Ted screws the pooch royally with these women.  It’s reflective of the average love life – sometimes people get screwed over and sometimes they do the screwing over.

By the time the last episode rolls around, Ted is forlorn as hell, having to go through an indignity no man should suffer through – being expected to go to the wedding of the woman he loves (Robin) to his one of his best friends (Barney.)

That’s another lesson of the show.  Sometimes love will come in an inconvenient manner.  Rarely does it ever show up when you want it to by appointment under the best of circumstances.   Like Robin, Barney also yearns for that flashy, jet setting lifestyle and so he and Robin are perfect for each other…though it causes all sorts of turmoil given that they both are friends with Ted.

But then things look up for Ted.  Ted’s about to kiss New York goodbye, ready to move on to Chicago, a new city that isn’t filled with so many sad memories for him, when he meets…”the mother!”

Robin and Barney are happy.  Ted and “The Mother” are happy…it looks like the show will end happily for all and then…SPOILER…the mother dies.  Yup.  They kill off the mother right after we meet her…after the show’s biggest fans were waiting ten years to meet her.

At some point, we see Robin and Barney staying in a hotel in some exotic location Robin is reporting (she finally got her dream job) from.  Barney has become a successful blogger, sharing the many secrets of how to score with chicks he learned from his days as a super pervert.

You’d think they’d be happy – after all, Robin is traveling all over the world on her network’s time and Barney is tagging along with a new career that he can do from anywhere as long as he brings his laptop but, we’re told they are miserable with this lifestyle, but to me, that just seems so out of character.  All those two wanted was a) love b) adventure and c) to not have to sacrifice one for the other.  They’re fellow adventurers who love one another and can travel the world together…not sure how that’s wrong for them.

Yes, Barney hooked up with Robin and you’re not supposed to do that to your bro but hey, love is messy and sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

Somehow, Robin ends up essentially being punished for doing what her gut told her to do.  She ends up giving this long, tearful speech to Lilly about how she regrets dumping Ted, the only man she loved who loved her but now it’s too late, for Ted has moved on and is with the mother now.

I mean, yeah, any guy who has ever been dumped by the girl of his dreams, his great dream is to find one more girl of his dreams and then have the first girl become beside herself with misery and woe about dumping him.

Long story short, Robin ends up an old spinster in her apartment, apparently a punishment for choosing her career over Ted, but the mother dies because the writers just didn’t have the guts to let the Ted/Robin romance go.  The show closes with an old Ted rushing to an old Robin’s apartment to profess his love, his kids giving him his blessing as much time has passed since “The Mother’s” death.

Sigh.  Just…yeah…sigh.  The happier ending would have been that Robin isn’t a bad person for recognizing what she wanted and going for it, even if that meant putting career over love.  She had confidence in herself that she’d find love after her she found her career.

The happier ending would have been that Ted didn’t lie down like a dog and die because Robin didn’t love him.  He kept putting himself out there.  He kept trying.  He finally met his second dream girl.

The happier ending would have been that Robin and Barney, two adventurers, end up together, and Ted and “the Mother” two homebodies who yearn to be loving, doting parents, end up together.

But nope.  No.  We get to meet the mother and then she’s taken away.  I mean, I guess in a dark way, that’s a happy ending for Ted.  He gets his second dream girl and then he also gets to be with his first dream girl as an older man.

But for a show called, “How I Met Your Mother” everyone naturally assumed the end of that title should be, “How I Met Your Mother…and How We Lived Happily Ever After.”

Nope.  Instead, the show should have been called, “How I Met Your Mother…and Boy Am I Glad that Bitch Croaked So I Can Finally Bone Robin Now that She’s So Old She’s Given Up On Finding Anyone Else to Bone Her!”

Guess that title would not have been as catchy.

Don’t get me wrong.  If you haven’t seen it (why did you read this then) you should still watch it.  I laughed.  I cried.  Honestly, at times I debated whether to continue to watch the show because some of the heartaches and regrets, sadness over failures and bad decisions really got to me and made me relive my own pain in my mind…I mean, that’s not a good thing to happen but it speaks to how well written the show is.

But wow.  That ending really stunk.

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And Now Zom Fu Returns…

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Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

Yeah, it’s unfortunate I ended up taking a little hiatus on Zom Fu.  Ironically, I did so right at the end.

When last we left our epic tale, Junjie had just defeated Dragonhand, the Master of the Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite.

It’s pretty much cleanup from now on, just the the final chapters where we learn what happens to our heroes after the story concludes.

Good news!  That means I should have another draft of a novel done within a month, perhaps sooner depending on how much time I can put into it.

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An Open Letter to All Big Time Hollywood Directors

Dear Big Time Hollywood Directors,

I know life is hard for you, what with having a job most men dream of and banging supermodels on top of big piles of cash, all while promising them a gig in your next movie (you aren’t going to give it to them are you, you sly dog) but I’d love it if you could take a moment to consider my book, “Toilet Gator” for your next project:

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Toilet Gator.  Yes, toilet gator.

It’s got heart.  It’s got soul.  It’s got people being eaten by a giant lizard while they’re trying to take a dump.

It’s a comedic romp, a heartwarming drama, a baffling mystery, an epic horror story, a romance and a summer blockbuster action tale all wrapped up into one big scaly package.  I have no doubt that the alligator chosen to play the toilet gator will become the next big celebrity unless, of course, you choose to go the CGI route.  It’s up to you.  Who am I to stifle your creative process?

For the hero gator hunter Cole Walker, I see someone like Jon Hamm, a bit up there in years though he has still retained his handsome features.  Maybe his estranged wife Sharon Walker could be played by someone like Kim Dickens, that chick the plays the mom on “Fear the Walking Dead.”  I’m not telling you how to make your casting decisions.  I’m just saying that we need a hot babe after forty who has fought the forces of gravity to still keep it tight, someone who has withstood the ravages of time and come out the other side with the ability to still pop all the boners in her general vicinity.

Is this the best novel ever written about toilets, gators, or toilet gators?  Yes.  But don’t take my word for it.  Check out this quote:

Toilet Gator is the best novel ever written about toilets, gators, or toilet gators.”

– No One Ever

There’s no arguing with that.  Did I mention that Dame Judi Dench would be an excellent choice for elderly spitfire Maude?  As for Rusty, we just need a famous redheaded man.  What about that guy that played Brodi on “Homeland.”  He’s not doing anything important these days is he?

Look directors, I’m telling, this one is a winner.  So let’s make a deal.  Have your people call my people.  We’ll get the crooked lawyers to draw up the paperwork and I’ll tell you where to back up the Brinks truck full of my gold ingot bars as my compensation for allowing you to put the fruits of my genius mind on screen.

J.J. Abrams, you could add a sci-flare with an edge to this.

Tarantino, you could feel free to start the story with a victim getting pooped out by the gator then work your way to the beginning when the victim is eaten.

Scorcese, you could turn this into an Italian gangster flick with the toilet gator as the boss.

Ron Howard, you could hire Tom Hanks to play the toilet gator.  Just put him in some green makeup and then have him steal our hearts for the umpteenth million time.

Wes Anderson, you could turn this into an eccentric comedy, one where people who read the New Yorker and sit around their chic Manhattan apartments and sniff their own farts find it hilarious while the rest of us don’t find it funny at all but feel bad about ourselves for not laughing, like if we’d just paid a little more attention in school we’d get your jokes.

Christopher Nolan, you could make the toilet gator really dark and brooding and leave us completely unsure of what we just saw.

M. Knight Shyamalan, you could end the story with the toilet gator unzipping himself to reveal that he is actually a toilet elephant.  What a twist!

George Lucas, you could present the toilet gator with some fabulous special effects and then sell out twenty years later and add in a bunch of bullshit that no one wants just because CGI gives you the ability to do so.

Steven Spielberg…eh, I’m not messing with you, Spielberg.  You’d make a fantastic toilet gator flick.

Patiently Awaiting Your Answer,

Bookshelf Q. Battler

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Zom Fu – Chapter 62

Previously on Zom Fu

Bookshelf Battle

tabletdemo

“Aaarrrrgggh!”

Junjie screamed as he came to his senses. He looked around. He was back in the Emperor’s throne room. The ghostly apparition of the Infallible Master stood before him.

“He…he killed my parents?”

The master looked away. “Yes, my son.”

“You knew!” Junjie shouted.

“I did,” the master said.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Junjie asked.

“Because a mind locked in rage can never be truly focused on a higher purpose,” the master said. “You already despised Dragonhand for turning your beloved Mei-Ling into stone. You would have lost control had you learned that he killed your parents as well. You would have fought with fury, rather than skill…with anger, rather than cunning. You would have…”

“I would have known the truth,” Junjie said.

“You would have died,” Junjie said. “Dragonhand would have defeated you. Of that, I am certain.”

Junjie stood up.

“I intended to tell you,” the…

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The History of Farts – The Big Fart Theory and Charles Darwin on the Evolution of Farts

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Of course, the most scientific minded of us reject the idea that God created the earth and all the farts upon it, arguing instead that the massive sphere we call home was created through natural forces.

Specifically, Dr. Hugo von Science, an esteemed Professor of Science at the Institute for Advanced Science Studies at Science University, spoke of the creation of the world and all the farts upon it in his seminal work, “The Big Fart Theory:”

There was a time when the space our planet now occupies was nothing but a dark void.  However, out of that void came large quantities of space gas.  These gases, which smelled terrible and thus had many of the same qualities as a fart, collided with one another over and over again until they created one giant super fart.  The super fart swirled and gurgled in an area we might refer to as the “metaphysical stomach of space.”  Finally, the super fart exploded with such a fierce velocity that it created a magnificent vortex, sucking in all space rocks within a radius of a hundred thousand light years.  These rocks collided against each other, slamming each other again and again until finally, the earth was formed, ironically, as the poop that came after the super fart dissipated.  We have been living and farting on the super fart’s poop ever since.

Fascinating.  But how did the individual farts come to be?  For that question, we turn to Charles Darwin’s fart evolution theory, which he discussed in his book, “The Origin of Farts.”

In my studies of the farting habits of the turtles of the Galapagos Islands, I have taken note of the following observations:

Some turtles make weak farts, barely heard or smelled.  Thus, they are fine company to be around but in the long run, the female turtle prefers a male turtle who can let out a robust fart, as loud, smelly farts are considered a sign of virility.  If the male turtle’s butt is working, then so to must his turtle junk be fully operational is the thought that I can only assume runs through the turtle’s mind.  And that thought must be a reality as I have seen first hand many, many hours of hardcore, down and dirty, rough and ready, bareback, no holds barred turtle sex between a female turtle and a male producer of obnoxiously loud and disgustingly smelly turtle farts.

Accordingly, if there is one universal truth it must be this:  via the process of natural selection, those members of any particular species who make weak farts will die out before they have the opportunity to copulate, their genetic material eventually removed from the population, whereas those with strong farts will attract a mate, fornicate wildly, and produce offspring capable of producing even strong farts.  When it comes to farts, it is all about the survival of the fittest fart.

Some very bold claims by Darwin.  Now, when you think about it, you may begin to wonder whether or not the concepts of creationism and evolution are reconcilable.  Here, we must remember the words of noted philosopher John Paul Fartre (not to be confused with noted philosopher John Paul Sartre:

Whenever I sit on the toilet and fart, I am reminded that I am seated not only upon a porcelain throne, but upon a large, circular sphere that hangs dangling in a vast sea of darkness, lit by a fiery orb that just happened to put there in just the right proximity to allow me to be warmed and to have light as I fart.

Yet, I am also reminded of some of my weaker ancestors, namely the prehistoric cave farters who tried to fart but could not and thus died of spontaneous combustion when their farts consumed their bodies from the inside out.  The stronger farters got together and breeded and centuries later, here I am, blasting out the remnants of my chili cheese fries without a care in the world.

Make no mistake about it.  We are here because some mystical, mysterious higher power deemed it so.  You may call this power God if you wish, but there can be no doubt that this power wants us to be here and he wants us to fart.

But take note of the fact that power gave us minds with the ability comprehend science.  And our farts have certainly gotten smellier and louder over the progression of time.  Some have even projected that if our farts continue along this natural progression, man may eventually produce what scientists have dubbed, “the uber fart” or the fart so toxic that it will consume the entire planet and waste it away into a worn out husk, a shell of its former self.

Frightening to be certain and yet we must remember this has happened before.  The dinosaurs, those mighty thunder lizards who occupied our orb long before we did, farted themselves into extinction and thus there can be no doubt we will do the same.

In short, it is possible to believe in fart creation and fart evolution at the same time.  God created farts and farts got more powerful over time.  Perhaps God has even given us a gift that he did not give to the dinosaurs, namely, a scientific mind capable of studying farts, the ability to figure out how to make farts less potent in order to stave off our inevitable destruction at the hands of the uber fart.

Powerful stuff.  Even more powerful farts.  John Paul Fartre’s warning could not be clearer.  Science and religion do not have to be diametrically opposed forces but rather, can compliment one another.  Scientists and theologians must walk hand and hand if they are ever to come together and prevent the uber fart from rearing its ugly, smelly head and destroying us all as it did with the dinosaurs so many years ago.

If you are an adherent to science, hug a religious person.  Religious people, hug a scientist.  Let us all get along in the spirit of stopping the uber fart in its tracks once and for all.

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The History of Farts – The Book of Genesis

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The Earth.  It’s been our home for as long as any of us can remember.  But just how much do we know about how our home came to be?

I mean, first there was nothing, then there was something, right?  That’s how anything is made.  First you have no pizza.  Then you buy some dough, some cheese, tomato sauce and pepperoni, put them all together, bake it for a while and then boom, you have a pizza.

How did our planet get baked?  Well, some believe in “creationism” or that idea that God himself created the world.

As we are told in The Book of Genesis, God didn’t just create the land, and the seas, and the all the birds in the sky and the fish in the water.  He also created…farts.  Yes, farts.  God cared very much about our intestinal comfort and wanted to make sure that relief after eating all the delicious food he created would never be more than a good toot away.

Don’t believe me?  Take a look:

In the beginning, God created butts.  Now, these butts were formless and empty, darkness spread throughout the surface of their cracks, and the gas was trapped between the cheeks.

And God said, “Let there be farts!” and there were farts.  God saw that the farts were good and he separated the farts from the butts.  God called the tiny farts, “squeakers” and the loud farts, “reakers.”

And there was evening and morning – the first day.

And God said, “Let there be a fart that makes no sound but emits a noxious fume just the same.”  So God created a fart that could be smelled but not heard and it was so.  God called these farts “silent but deadly.”  And there was evening, and there was morning – the second day.

And God said, “Let there be a fart that will remained trapped in the butt until the butt owner lifts up a cheek so that it may escape.”  And so God created a type of fart that can only leave the butt with cooperation of the butt owner and it was so.  God called these farts, “cheek lifters.”  And God smelled that these farts were good.  And there was evening and there was morning – the third day.

And God said, “Let there be a fart that can never be controlled.” And God made a type of fart that pops out of the butt so fast that before the owner of the butt can do anything about it, it’s too late.  And God called these farts “kamikazes” for nothing will stop them from embarrassing the owner of the butt, even if they pop out during a super important business meeting or on a first date.  And it was so.  And there was evening and there was morning – the fourth day.

And God said, “Let there be a wet fart, the kind that makes a person’s butt sound like it is full of hot soup percolating its way through a coffee filter.”  And God created the farts that are bringing just a touch of wet diarrhea with them on the way out.  And God heard these farts and they were good.  And there was evening and there was morning – the fifth day.

And God said, “Let there be the grand alpha and omega of all farts!”  And God created the mega, super duper deluxe fart, a fart so potent and powerful that it makes everyone in the blast radius run for cover or, barring an adequate exit strategy, at least open up all the windows and issue such complaints as, “Dude!  What did you eat?”  This fart will have the power to not only cause those who smell it to question the farter’s mental health and physical well-being, but it will also ruin marriages, end friendships, and ruin lives.  God called these farts “blockbusters” and they were not good.  No, they were not good at all.  And there was evening and there was morning – the sixth day.

Thus, all the farts on earth were completed in their vast array.  By the seventh day, God had finished his glorious work on farts; so on the seventh day he rested from his work.  Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy because in it he rested from of the work he had done on creating farts.  He demanded that all of mankind take this holy day to rest and to fart, for all farts done on this day are good.

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