Daily Archives: July 17, 2017

Movie Review – War for the Planet of the Apes (2017)

Yikes.  This movie was so bad I wanted to fling some monkey poop at the screen.

BQB here with a review of “War for the Planet of the Apes.”

Here’s my first observation – there wasn’t a war.  I mean, a war was on in the background but mainly, this film is a prison break picture.  They should have called it, “The Great Escape of the Planet of the Apes” because it’s basically “The Great Escape” meets “Planet of the Apes.”

The humans are in a civil war, as a rogue colonel (Woody Harrelson) has gone above and beyond with tactics that the other humans aren’t comfortable with, seeking to eradicate the apes altogether and going against any kind of hope for a peace between man and primate.

Ape leader Cesar goes on a mission to take out the colonel but soon learns the more pressing situation is that the colonel is holding tons of apes in captivity, forcing them to do hard labor in ape camps.  Even worse, the apes are not paid in bananas.  Some apes have grown so used to their oppression that they have become Uncle Tom apes, i.e. they jump whenever their human masters say jump.

Ergo, Cesar and ape friends hatch a scheme to break the apes out.  Therefore, it’s a prison break film and not really a war film.

The movie is long, cumbersome and it meanders all over the place.  At times, it is boring, especially in long scenes where CGI simians talk to each other using monkey sign language.

Also, there are things that are introduced that go nowhere.  For example, one of the monkeys saves a little girl and takes her on as his own daughter.  The moral is that sometimes you have to do the right thing even if it is beyond the norm, i.e. a monkey takes care of a human kid.  However, spoiler alert, we never learn what happens to the human kid by the end of the movie.

Overall, it’s a stinkfest.  While “Dawn” and “Rise” were decent, this end of the trilogy should hopefully end the ape movies for awhile.  I mean, at this point, they’re going to really need to come up with a kick ass idea to justify making another one of these things.

It’s just sad because I know how the conversation went down:

HOLLYWOOD SUIT #1 – Boy, we have a lot of creative, original scripts to choose from.

HOLLYWOOD SUIT #2 – Make another monkey movie.

It’s enough to drive a man bananas, 3.5 readers.

STATUS: Un-shelfworthy, a label I don’t apply lightly, but seriously, it is worthy of much monkey poop being flung at it.  A dumb end to a prequel series where the first two were pretty good.

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Game of Thrones Wrap-Up – Season 7, Episode 1 – Dragonstone

It’s a Game of Spoilers, 3.5 readers.  Look away, I say.

Basically, Cersei and Jaime are screwed, and more so than the usual screwing they do to each other.

To the South, the Dornish Amazons are pissed.  To the North, Jon Snow is King.  The Whitewalkers are headed for the Wall.

Oh, and the Khaleesi has landed.  Repeat, the Khaleesi has landed.

Arya has taken out all the Freys with her ninja skills.  Oh and all the kids have officially grown up.  Arya, Bran and Sansa are all super tall and look like they ate their Wheaties over the past year.  Sigh, this decade really has moved fast, hasn’t it?

Yes, things suck big time for Cersei.  And with her children and family gone, Jaime asks the inevitable question of what are they even fighting for?

Her only potential ally at this point seems to be Euron Greyjoy, who promises a fleet and a special mysterious gift if he can get all up in Cersei’s lady business.

Don’t do it, Euron.  You know she’s packing a steel bear trap in that thing.

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RIP George Romero and Martin Landau

Hey 3.5 readers.

First, as I am a zombie lover, it is my sad duty to inform all 3.5 of you that George Romero, director of “Night of the Living Dead” and the inventor of the zombie genre has died.

All zombies will be required to eat their brains at half mast.

Second, Martin Landau, who won an Oscar playing down and out, drug addled Dracula actor Bella Lugosi in “Ed Wood” has died.

The creator of zombies and Dracula, gone in one day.  Truly a sad day for horror nerds.

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The Male Biological Clock is Real

Hey 3.5 readers.

My best buddy, “The Alleged Man” or the person everyone thinks is me but isn’t, has been pretty bummed as of late.

See, he’s 38, and since 35 the realization has been a slow trickle, now turning into a busted water faucet of a realization that his window to father children is getting narrower and narrower.

In theory, yes, if you can squeeze out some joy juice out of a one hundred year old man, you might be able to use it to knock up a chick.  However, that 100 year old still needs to get the go ahead from a young, fertile chick…because, you know, otherwise he’d be a centenarian rapist.

NOTE TO SELF:  “Centenarian Rapist” would be an awesome title for my next book.  TAGLINE: He raped his way through the Great Depression and two world wars, now he’s raping his way into the grave.  Begin plans for a 99 Design cover contest posthaste.

Back to the point.  Do things look grim for this stud muffin?  Should he just slap himself for not working harder to impregnate a chick in his early days, then forgive himself an accept his spawn-less existence?

I mean, our own 45th POTUS managed to knock up a hot younger woman at age 60 but, you know, he’s super rich and famous and also the POTUS and also has fantastic hair and I have heard rumors that he is often talked about on the news for some reason.

But do keep in mind AM not rich or famous or the POTUS.  That probably won’t happen until I release “Son of Toilet Gator” and then everyone will be all like “Oh AM you’re so super awesome, please impregnate all the women, yay.”

Yeah, yeah, forget pity and condolences about “Hey, Alleged Man, maybe you can adopt or maybe you’ll meet a babe with kids of her own and the Dad has skipped town.”

The Alleged Man is wondering about his chances of actually getting his swimmers past the fallopian goal line.

Sadly, the “Sell a Billion Copies of Toilet Gator and impregnate a gold digging supermodel” looks like it is still years away from coming to fruition.

Plus, AM recently read something about how the older you get, the worse your sperm gets.  AM is now highly concerned that a microscopic slide of his jism would bear a striking resemblance to a bunch of tiny tadpoles slapping each other around like the Three Stooges.  Nyuk nyuk.

Discuss.

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Hello 3.5 Readers

I hope you all have a terrific Sunday.

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