Ahh, Ebenezer Scrooge, that rich old prick that everyone loves to kick around come Christmas time. Worked his ass off to earn all those duckets, but everyone acts like the old man’s fortune was just somehow magically given to him. Oh well, screw it. Haters gonna hate. Am I right?
Your boyfriend. He’s super cheap. He’s never picked up a tab, and he’s always swiping all the coins from your car’s change tray. But, is this dude really Ebenezer Scrooge? Better check out my handy top ten list to be sure.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be Ebenezer Scrooge:
#10 – He’s extremely cheap.
Clips coupons. Takes a penny from that little dish by the cash register but never leaves one even when he has many pennies to spare. Re-uses toilet paper seventeen times before he throws it away and demands you do the same, limiting you to one and only one square. Opened his wallet once. Moths flew out. Yup, that’s right. It’d been so long since he had opened his wallet that two moths were able to crawl into it, fuck in some bizarre, freaky moth sex, have babies and raise a family, all inside the wallet. Alas, the rare opening of said wallet led to their eviction. Where will the moths go now?
#9 – Never lets you turn up the heat.
Girl, you have any idea how much oil costs? You better get your damn hand off that thermostat and grab a sweater. If Cratchitt wasn’t allowed an extra lump of coal for his fire, then you can just forget about turning up that knob.
#8 – He is a 19th Century, Elderly British Man
This really should have been a dead giveaway. Seriously, girlfriend, I don’t want to start rumors, but everyone, and I mean EVERYONE was all like, “How that girl not see his old ass face and his big ass top hat? Is she on drugs?”
#7 – Sees Ghosts When He Sleeps
If he sees them on Christmas Eve, he’s Scrooge. If he sees them all year long, he’s tripping balls on acid, so get him to a doctor posthaste. If he sees ghost on Christmas Eve and he’s not a 19th Century Elderly British man as discussed in #8, then he’s tripping balls on Christmas Eve and needs a doctor.
#6 – Says “Bah Humbug!” to Everything Except…
…pussy. Yeah, I don’t care how grumpy Scrooge is, no man is ever gonna say, “Humbug!” to pussy. Scrooge was a notorious pussy hound. He really didn’t get enough credit for it.
#5 – Hates His Nephew
That could be a sign that he’s Scrooge but then again, I don’t care who you are, everyone has at least one asshole nephew…you know, that white kid that comes to every family gathering, you’re not really sure how he’s related to you and if you ask, your older relatives spend three hours explaining it, and he kind of has a rat face and a dirt beard and, oh Lord, he’s wearing dreadlocks. He’s a white kid with dread locks! But, OK, he’s family so don’t say anything…
#4 – Shitty to His Employees
Is your man a boss? Has he ever complained about his underlings when they take off Christmas? Yup. He’s Scrooge.
#3 – Rocks a Nightshirt and Sleeping Cap
No one else can pull off that look.
#2 – Buys the Fattest Goose
Probably gonna give it to that girl that the street though, the one who is way hotter than you. Sorry. You don’t need him, girl, you can do better.
#1 – Saves Tiny Tim…Eventually
Is your man the type of person who could be aware that his trusty assistant’s son will soon die a horrendous, agonizingly painful death without swift and urgent medical care…and still need three ghosts to talk him into opening up his wallet? Yup, your man is Scrooge.