Daily Archives: November 5, 2017

A Rap About the Seventy Cent Royalty I Was Paid For My E-Book (Or, “Seventy Cents”)

Yo.  2017.  Time to grip the green.  Lay down some treble and crank up the bass.  Bookshelf Q. Battler all up in this place, gettin’ ready to blast some beats in your face.  Let’s do this shit.

Sometimes a man just got a dream…a vision in his eye and a song in heart.

But the world do all it can to rip him apart.

So he falls to the floor, his body feels spent.

Then he checks his account, sees he’s got seventy cent.

Oh seventy cents!  You are a dream come true!

Gonna travel the world spending you!

Oh seventy cents!  I’m rich as fuck!

What did my ass do to deserve all this luck?

Yo, I was in the bodega, and something struck me as funny.

A girl was all alone and she was a fly ass hunny.

So I said, “Girl you wanna get with me? I got a lotta money.”

And soon we were going’ at it like a couple of bunnies.

And then the girl was like, “How much money you got cuz I’m feeling pretty fine?”

And I was like, “Girl, relax, cuz I got seven dimes.”

Oh seventy cents!  For a book that I spent like 600 fuckin dollars to print!

Yes, to see that money you gotta squint!

Seventy cents!  Lift me outta my rut!

And Jeff Fuckin’ Bezos gotta take his cut!

Oh seventy cents, yes you are true!

Three quarters minus a nickel, I love you!

DISCLAIMER:  We here at the Bookshelf Battle Blog always love it when Jeff Fuckin’ Bezos takes his cut of the proceeds from the book we put out that like 3.5 people have read.  We hope Mr. Bezos puts the money to good use, most likely to become the Supreme Overlord Ruler of Us All.  Hail Bezos!

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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Wannabe Rapper

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Yo. 2017.  Time to get the green.  BQB on the track like a flea on a dog’s back.  Crank up the bass and let’s lay this shit down, ya heard?

Ahh, dating.  It’s one of the great joys of life, unless your boyfriend is a wannabe rapper.  He’s got the backwards hat.  He’s got a few lyrics he’s scribbled down on some notebook paper.  He yearns so badly to join ranks of Snoop, NWA, 50 Cent, and Eminem.

But let’s face it.  He couldn’t rap his way out of a paper bag and you’ll be supporting him forever.

From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Rapper:

#10 – Begins Every Conversation With a Lead-In That Features the Year, Followed by What He Wants the Sound Technician to Do

YOU:  Hun, what do you want for dinner?

HIM:  Yo, yo, yo, 2017…don’t want no string beans.  Put a little slick on this mic and we gonna lay this track down.  Bring some motherfuckin’ pizza to town, know what I’m sayin’ cuz?

#9 – He Never Introduces You to His Friends…He Announces the Collaboration

YOU:  Oh, hi hun.  You didn’t tell me you were having friends over.  Can you introduce me?

HIM:  Yo, yo, yo, B-Money Steaze up in the house, gettin’ ready to blow the doors off this motha-fucka….yeah and Sticky Mark up on the track, gettin’ it all whack for your ears, now what I’m sayin’?  Funk-ta-fied Freddy backin us up all day, everyday and Worldwide Miscreant stoppin’ by to get in on this shiznit, ya dope ass sucka!

#8 – So Many Backwards Hats

They’re easily convertible to frontwards hats but he just won’t listen, even after 30.

#7 – Always Offering You a Demo Tape…

…no matter how many times you tell him you’re not in the industry and can’t help him…or that no one uses cassettes anymore.

#6 – Always Talking About How Hard His Life Is/Was

HIM:  Yo, yo, yo, growin’ up on the streets was no fun, bitches in my face wavin’ they gun, how I got out the hood is a wonder, all my dead homies be six feet under.

YOU:  You were from Connecticut, dipshit.

#5 – Refers to Money as Stacks

BANK TELLER:  And how would you like to cash this check sir?

HIM:  Yo, yo, yo give me fat stacks, bitch!

#4 – Calls Everyone “Bitch”

You, your friends, your family, your dog, everyone.

GRANNY AT THANKSGIVING:  Sonny, can you pass the gravy?

HIM: Aw, shit!  Gravy comin’ all up in this motha-fucka, bitch!

#3 – Won’t Get a Day Job

Because he likes to keep it real.  Rappable stories come from the streets, not from working 9-5 at Kinko’s, bitch.

#2 – Always Working On New Rhymes

All day, every day, his notebook is out and his pen is scribbling new lyrics.  If only he could sell some.

#1 – Fights Are Like Rap Battles

YOU:  You didn’t do the dishes!

HIM:  Yo, yo, yo, bitch want me to do the dishes and now she mad, wants me to sleep with the fishes!

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