Hey 3.5 readers.
Hold onto your butts. I’m so proud to announce that the third draft of Toilet Gator, the best novel ever written about an alligator who eats people while they are pooping, begins today. I hope this will be the last draft needed and then I’ll be able to get it to the editor later this summer.
I just hope I will be able to remain humble when the literary awards start coming my way.
“Ahh, America. The birthplace of AIDS.”
BQB here with a review of “The Dictator.”
You have to admit, in the abstract, dictators are funny. They often wear ridiculous clothing, absurd hats, uniforms with 10,000 medals pinned to them, live in golden palaces while their people starve, assassinate anyone who offends them in the slightest way…the list goes on.
In reality, they aren’t funny at all, especially for those who live under their cruel regimes.
Call it comedic chops, call it good satirical writing but somehow, Sacha Baron Cohen managed to make me laugh non-stop in 2012 when he donned the guise of Admiral General Aladeen, the Supreme Leader of the fictional country of Wadiya.
He executes henchmen who get the prize in the cereal box. He has a Wii that allows him to practice murdering Jews. He gets pissed when his nuclear missiles aren’t pointy and although he hates the West, he can’t get enough of the best that the West has to offer…sports cars, material possessions, and famous women (Megan Fox in a cameo as herself.)
On paper, this all sounds horrible. Nothing to laugh at. But in Cohen’s hands, he morphs it into a tour de farce where you laugh, not at the people who suffer under dictatorships, but at the sheer insanity that occurs in countries where the people are subjected to the whims of a maniacal lunatic.
In other words, while civilized nations deal with dictators with military action or sanctions, Cohen lambastes, making them look like fools, making it clear that men like Aladeen are mere boys in men’s clothing, squandering their country’s resources on expensive toys and grudges.
I’m not sure why this movie popped into my head. It has been out for six years, and I rented it at the time. On a whim, I rented it this weekend and laughed and laughed, though I’m not sure the humor holds up today.
Aladeen is savage in his insults of anything he deems too liberal, perhaps a not so subtle attempt to argue that America’s far right and the Middle East’s far right aren’t too far from one another. Fear not, for there is a part where it’s shown that America’s far left isn’t much to write home about either. Pretty much anyone on the extreme side of politics is lampooned through the vile Supreme Leader, as the jokes make us wonder whether or not we might have some wannabe Supreme Leaders in waiting right here in America. Personally, I think pundits on TV take it too far when they compare American politicians to dictators because, hey, let’s be honest, America isn’t perfect but it’s 100,000,000 times better than, say, well, a country like Wadiya.
Lost in America when his right hand man (Ben Kingsley) double crosses him, it’s up to Aladeen to expose an impostor and…ironically…save his country from becoming a democracy, and strangely, Cohen is able to get us to suspend disbelief long enough to root for this scumbag even though in the back of our minds we know he deserves all manner of punishment and at the very least, to be brought before an international war crimes tribunal.
Along the way, Aladeen falls in love with (what a twist) the crunchy granola chomping hipster/organic food collective manager Zoe (Anna Farris.) Weapons grade political incorrectness ensues as Aladeen insults Zoe’s hippy appearance regularly, from her unshaven pits to her boy hair cut to her small boobs. Not sure that humor stands up in today’s highly PC climate, but six years ago, people were able to get the context, i.e. that men like Aladeen are scumbags who have no ability to see women as anything but objects for their pleasure and yet are too stupid to not realize why they are so lonely.
STATUS: Worth a rental. Funny highlights include Aladeen discussing with his science advisor the intricacies of applying cartoon logic to nuclear bomb making; Aladeen laughing through public promises to not use his nuclear program to blow up Israel; female guards who break boards in half with their boobs.
Over the top gross out jokes ensue though, including a rather deranged running gag involving a severed human head so, yeah, not for the squeamish, or now that I think of it, for even the most semi-respectable of citizens.
Happy Father’s Day, 3.5 readers. If you missed it, here’s my list of Top TV Dads.
Happy Father’s Day, 3.5 readers. Today’s the day to grab the family patriarch a cigar, a beer, and a steak and treat him like a king, to make up for the other 364 days a year where you walk all over him. Come on. You know you do.
In honor of this illustrious day, from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten TV Dads of All Time:
#10 – Ward Cleaver (Hugh Beaumont) “Leave it to Beaver”
The man worked hard and he rested hard. Came home every day to a clean house and a nice home cooked meal. June would have his slippers and newspaper waiting for him so he could chill by the fireplace. He’d dispense some words of wisdom to his sons, Wally and the Beaver, but then June would take care of all the washing their clothes and cleaning behind their ears bullshit…
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Tag, you’re it, 3.5 readers.
BQB here with a review of “Tag.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFTY-OyMqB4
I love it when a movie pleasantly surprises me. Going into this, I expected a fairly standard to possibly mediocre comedy. I didn’t expect anything great or terrible, just something to pass the time.
I was wrong. This movie is a laugh riot and who knew that Jeremy Renner had comedy chops. Not this guy. That’s who.
Renner, Jon Hamm, Ed Helms, Hannibal Buress and Jake Johnson star as a group of friends who have been playing the same game of tag every May since childhood. While they were kids, simply running around the neighborhood whilst slapping each other was fine, but now that they are adults and men of means, they resort all kinds of tricks, schemes, antics and shenanigans to trick each other into getting tagged. From wacky costumes, to elaborate set-ups and even downright lies, nothing is sacred as these pals try to one up each other.
Renner plays the king of the tag game, having never, ever once been tagged. To tag him is the holy grail of the game, and as his wedding approaches, the tag posse see an opportunity, not to be there for their best bud on his big day….but to give him the tagging he so richly deserves.
Isla Fisher stars as Helms’ foul-mouthed wife who takes the game more seriously than her hubby, pushing her man to engage in all kinds of hi-jinx to tag their long time adversary.
Meanwhile, Annabelle Wallis stars as Rebecca, a Wall Street Journal reporter who is so taken aback by the silliness that she follows the group in order to report on their taggings.
Interestingly enough, the movie is actually based on a Wall Street Journal article about a real life group of friends who kept a game of tag going from youth well into adulthood.
The movie’s motto is “You don’t stop playing when you get old, you get old when you stop playing,” and ironically, the game gives the friends, who all live in different parts of the US, to drop what they are doing every May and seek one another out. How sad that friendships blossom in youth only to require an excuse to continue in adulthood, but alas, that’s the way life goes.
Very funny. Made me bust a gut several times. Renner is hilarious as he takes down his would be tag assailants with expert precision and extreme prejudice.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy.
Hey 3.5 readers.
I don’t know. Been busy lately. Been down in the dumps. Haven’t found time or energy to entertain you. Further, the little time and energy I get I try to put in my book writing endeavors.
Hoping to get first part of Last Driver and Toilet Gator out this year. I guess if I do that it will be progress. I’m not sure I have the patience for this writing game.
Hey, 3.5 readers.
BQB here.
“Solo” did poorly at the box office, though strangely, I enjoyed it quite a bit.
Meanwhile, the latest saga films, “Force Awakens” and “The Last Jedi” were commercial successes, but the fans aren’t happy.
“Rogue One” did well commercially and in my opinion, is the best of the four new films.
I do believe this is partly “Star Wars fatigue.” Absence makes the heart grow fonder and when 10-20 years passed between sequels, you really got excited to see a new film. I was 20 when “The Phantom Menace” came out and while today, I think that movie does not hold up, at the time, I was just so excited to see light sabers being whirled around on screen again.
Say what you will about the prequels, but they did, absent an occasional hiccup, at least attempt to follow the pre-established rules of the universe. Plus, the characters were put into peril, so the stakes were high.
Sure, you know faves like Yoda or Obi Wan weren’t going to buy the farm, but faves like Mace Windu or Qui Gon Jinn were kicking the bucket so the peril made you grip the edge of your seat.
Cliffhangers and new threads meant something. When new questions popped up, you’d get answers. Maybe not answers you wanted but you got something.
Here in the new saga films, there’s a lot of jerking us around. Too clever by half writers saying, “Ha! Fooled you!” and not realizing that if there’s no payoff we are losing interest.
So, if we’re getting a new film once a year, plus the films aren’t paying off for the super fans, I don’t know, this doesn’t bode well for the franchise.
I think either they should have cast new actors to play Han, Luke and Leia (younger actors) and start a new three part saga right after the end of “Return of the Jedi.”
Either that, or they should have put it far into the future and just wracked their brains to create all new characters, perhaps some older aliens who live longer coming in from the old films, but a whole new setup with heroes and villains.
Instead, they tried, just as King Solomon once did, to split the proverbial baby and as we all know, babies don’t split well, they are much better off intact in one piece. A future that was just an homage to the past didn’t bode well.
My two cents. What say you, 3.5 Jedis?
That’s all. Have a nice day.
I got nothing. Enjoy your day.
Hey 3.5 readers.
Your old pal, BQB here.
Today’s the last day of my free book promo. That’s right. All through the end of today, Sunday, you can still make up for your procrastination and get a copy of my free book of badass writing prompts.
Stop putting it off. If you wait tomorrow, you’ll have to pay 99 cents and you need to save that money because the world is a crazy place and you should be saving as much as possible.
Seriously, you never know, buying my book for 99 cents tomorrow might be the transaction that throws your finances into a cataclysmic state, leaving you broke, penniless, homeless on the street, selling your body for candy and bubblegum.
So, don’t delay. Download my book for FREE today.
Women can be criminals too! It’s the current year, after all.
BQB here with a review of “Ocean’s 8.”
As a knuckle dragging caveman/vile misogynist pig according to today’s standards of political correctness, I went into this movie thinking it would suck with the gale force wind of a thousand hoover vacuums.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against the idea of all female casts. I’m not against taking a role that is traditionally male and turning it female. While I do despise the idea of taking actual male characters and making them female (Jane Bond or Indiana Jane just seems patronizing to women and saying that they’ll never be complete unless they grow a dick), I realize there might be some wiggle room (i.e. female Ghostbusters might have been great if better writers had been involved) or here, that it is possible that infamous thief Danny Ocean might have had a sister with the same last name, capable of pulling off an intricately planned heist.
At any rate, I enjoyed it. Does that mean I’m losing my misogyny? I don’t know. I’d argue that I never had any, just that I don’t think its enough for women to show up to a traditionally male endeavor and proclaim they’ve taken it over because they have vagina power and not do more. Here, the women do more.
The film does follow George Clooney’s early 2000s remake of the film of the same name, originally starring Frank Sinatra. Debbie (Sandra Bullock), just as her brother years before, is fresh out of prison, promising authorities she’ll lay low and turn her life around, only to go straight into planning a magnificent act of thievery, here, the swiping of a $150 million necklace from the neck of a famed actress played by Anne Hathaway.
Cate Blanchett is Debbie’s #2, just as Brad Pitt’s Rusty helped Danny assemble his crew so many years ago. The thing I liked about this movie is we get to see two actresses, Cate and Helena Bonham Carter (who plays a down on her luck fashion designer) play themselves. Over the years, we’ve grown used to seeing this pair play fantasy characters (Blanchett as the elf Galadriel in “Lord of the Rings” or Carter as any one of the grungy Goth characters in Tim Burton films) that is interesting to see them play characters straight without all kinds of weird voices, makeup, costumes, and so on. For once, you get to see them, although they have to lose their respective Aussie and Brit accents and pose as Americans.
If Matt Damon as Linus was Clooney’s #3 in command, then that job goes to Sarah Paulson as the fence in charge of selling the hot jewels. She plays the role well, as a suburban mom who has been out of the game (at least on a direct level) for a long time and is reluctant to get back in.
Rounding out the cast is Awkwafina as a plucky pick-pocket and I gave props to anyone who gets their start on YouTube with funny vagina rap songs only to end up starring in an Ocean’s remake. Her humor is contained, her jokes fairly standard i.e. when you recruit a pickpocket, you’ll have to ask for your watch back. Still, this was big for her and perhaps her own film will be in the works someday.
Rihanna, the fabulous diva who should really have to share screen time with no one, is believable as a hacker. Her turn in “Battleship” is often cited as a weak performance though in her defense, that was a pretty weak movie that is, to this day, unwatchable and her presence is the least of the flick’s problems. Here, she gets quick, easy lines, often staring at a computer and saying witty things as the hacker magic happens.
And of course, Mindy Kaling of “The Office” fame gets her big screen time, here as a jeweler who can work wonders with hot stones under pressure. Alas, all of these women have to share the film, clipping their individual wings just enough for the ensemble cast to work.
At times, the plot fumbles and gaping plot holes are patched with rubber cement and silly putty. Giant, lingering questions about how the heist is pulled off are treated casually but in the film’s defense, the Clooney films did that as well. I recall one of the Clooney films in which the heist depended on Clooney’s girlfriend, played by Julia Roberts, tricking people into thinking she was Julia Roberts and, hell, if we were willing to give that franchise a nod and a wink then we can do so here.
One complaint I’ve always had about “women taking over traditionally male roles” is that perhaps men haven’t always been right about everything and maybe women were right all along. When women want to play crude, perverted partiers (i.e. last year’s “Rough Night”) or become MMA fighters (i.e. Ronda Rousey) I wonder if they ever realize that women who avoided becoming drunken lechers or sweaty fighters were in the right all along and the boorish men they yearn to copy were nothing to idolize.
Thus, as trendy as the Clooney Ocean’s films were, is a crook really something to aspire to? Maybe women should focus on the good roles that men traditionally played, like astronauts, scientists and business tycoons and, you know, forget about the men who do dreadful things.
While I won’t give it away, the film is at least self-aware enough to acknowledge that complaint with a joke, so it earned my applause.
I draw the line at turning male characters into women though. James Bond didn’t oppress women with his penis and if Hollywood feels the world could benefit from a series about a female MI6 agent, they can create a new one with a different name and back story any day, just as they can if they feel the world needs a female treasure hunter. Actually, they did that years ago with Lara Croft with no need to chop Indy’s dick off.
Original, never before seen female characters in comic-booky films are possible, if Buffy taught us anything.
As for roles that were male in the past but could be women without cutting a hypothetical male character’s dick off, it all depends on the writing. Ghostbusters aren’t required to have dicks, and good writing could have sold a dick-less ghostbuster crew.
Meanwhile, thieves can have vaginas (perhaps many of us jilted menfolk knew that all along) but as in any film, it must have good writing or at the very least, as happens here, gloss over writing problems with pizazz and style.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy.
Bookshelf Battle 