Author Archives: bookshelfbattle

Jan 16 2017
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Uncategorized, Writing Prompts

More Prompts

#53 – Lucky Rabbit’s Foot

One day while perusing the knick knacks in a gift shop, Gordon spies a lucky rabbit’s foot key chain.

“I sure could use some of that,” Gordon says.

Gordon buys the key chain, and takes it to his rundown, ramshackle house, where he lives alone with no wife and no kids even though he is pushing forty.  There, at a table piled with overdue bills, he attaches his keys to the key chain.  He then goes to bed.

In the morning, Gordon is offered a do-nothing job with a high six-figure salary, a free mansion due to his name being selected at random in a contest, and on his phone, there are ten messages from his ex-wife seeking to patch things up.

“Thank you, lucky rabbit’s foot!” Gordon shouts.

Suddenly, there is a knock on the door.  Gordon opens it to find an adorable, three-legged bunny.

“If I were you, I’d toss the leg in the river, buddy,” the bunny says.

“Oh,” Gordon says.  “I’m sorry.  Is this yours?”

“Yeah,” the bunny replies.  “But keep that foot away from me.  Why do you think I chopped it off in the first place?  It brought me nothing but misery.  Sure, it put me on easy street for a time.  I surrounded by fine ass bunny broads and all the carrots I could eat, but before I knew it, I was being chased by a psychopathic farmer who wanted to turn me into bunny stew.”

“Wow,” Gordon says.  “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Yeah,” the bunny says.  “And you’ll be sorry if you keep that thing.  But why would you listen to me?  None of the previous owners of that leg did and they’re all six feet under now.  You’ll be no different.”

The bunny hops away.  Gordon shuts the door, sits down, and ponders his situation.

What is in store for Gordon?  Will he keep the rabbit’s foot?  Will it cause him misery if it does?  Take the story from here and follow it to a conclusion.

#54 – Surprise Cake

As Daphne the stripper is wheeled inside a giant cake on a cart to a location to be determined, she starts questioning her life choices.  She wishes she had stayed in school, stayed away from alcohol and made something of her life.

“This is my last job,” she whispers to herself.  “I’m going to be clean and legit from hereon out.”

The cake stops.  Daphne hears some voices coming from the outside.  She bursts out of the cake in her birthday suit, sending crumbs and bits of frosting flying everywhere as she shouts, “Surprise!”

Sadly, Daphne is the only one who is surprised.  Instead of a beer hall filled with obsequious perverts, she’s in a church filled with nicely dressed, God fearing folk.  This isn’t the bachelor party she was expecting at all.

“Umm,” Daphne says as she desperately tries to cover herself with her arms, “I think there’s been a mistake?”

How did this happen?  Will the church folk call the cops, or was this mixup a form of divine intervention?  Perhaps these bible thumpers will help Daphne get on the straight and narrow path to salvation?  Or, will some unforeseen events transpire?

#55 – Heaven

For me, Heaven is a place where you can eat as much of the worst possible food imaginable as you want and never gain a pound.  Also, hot babes are plentiful and they find me attractive and interesting.  Better yet, I find myself attractive and interesting.  Also, it is possible to canoodle with the hot babes with reckless abandon and not wake up itchy the next morning.

What is Heaven like for you?  Write a description.

#56 – Hell

For me, Hell is a place where you have unlimited cookies but no milk to dunk them in, unlimited chicken nuggets but no sauce to dip them in.  Also, hot babes are plentiful and they find me interesting and attractive.  However, I am wearing a pair of titanium pants that are so securely tight around my lower half that I can’t really do anything with those hot babes.  Yet they keep coming on to me anyway.

What is Hell like for you?  Write a description.

#57 – Moldy Food Monster

Greg is a total slob.  He’s vaguely heard of a device known as a trash can but he’s never used one before in his entire life.  He comes.  He parks his butt on the couch, watches TV and throws his fast food containers in a corner of the room.

Over a period of several months, the moldy food inside of the containers grow mold.  They seep out of the containers, stick together and form one great big giant moldy food monster.

Name the monster.  Give him a personality.  Will he be good or evil?  Will he help Greg fix his lousy life or will he suck his creator into a deeper, darker hole of sadness and despair?

#58 – The Drunk Reaper

The Grim Reaper, exhausted after ushering souls off to the great beyond, cracks open a beer, then another one, and then after one.  He moves up to shots and after awhile, he’s wasted.

While “Death” sleeps off a hangover, no one in the entire world dies for twenty-four hours.  When he wakes up, he sees the world is still running and decides that no one will miss him if he just up and quits.

Thus, no one ever dies.  Everyone lives forever.

Options:

a) Write a story from the perspective that this is bad.  No one accomplishes anything if they think they have unlimited time to do it in.  The world’s resources dry up if people are being continuously added without anyone being subtracted.

b)  Write a story from the perspective that this is good.  Everyone is happy because they no longer have to worry about dying.  Criminals lose their strength because they can’t threaten anyone with violence anymore if no one can die.  People can eat, drink and be merry without worrying about the health effects.  People are nice to each other because they feel like there’s less of a competition for life’s resources.  After all, as long as you get to live forever, then if you don’t get what you want today, you can always try again tomorrow.

#59 – Mail Order Bride

Depressed and lonely, Gus fills out an online form on a Russian mail order bride website.  After he clicks the submit button, he starts having second thoughts and realizes this might have been a mistake.

Days later, Gus comes home from work to find a large crate on his front doorstep.  He pries it open only to discover a hot Siberian babe named Svetlana inside, covered with styrofoam packing peanuts.

Will this be a love story?  A comedy?  A drama?  Some other genre?  You decide, then write it.

#60- Get Medieval 

The Red Knight is kind and wishes to bring peace to the realm.  The Purple Knight is kind of a jerk face and wants nothing more than to rule the realm with iron fist and kill all who disobey.

Strap on your suit of armor and tell the epic tale of Red Knight vs. Purple Knight.

 

 

 

 

Jan 16 2017
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Zom Fu

Zom Fu – Chapter 31

tabletdemo

Poof! The Infallible Master’s ghost materialized in the middle of a well-worn road, startling Niu.

“Master,” Niu said. “Am I in exile?”

“Exile?” the master asked. “Why would you think such a thing?”

“My brain addiction,” Niu said. “I’ve been walking alone down this road for so long that I thought your goal was to get rid of me.”

“Never, my son,” the master said as he floated through a tree and headed into the forest. “Come, follow me.”

Niu abided. Soon he was in a clearing, surrounded by puffy white flowers.

“Perhaps I should be in exile,” Niu said. “I am useless in this fight. If I see a brain I’ll…”

“…eat,” the master said.

“Exactly,” Niu replied. “I’ll eat my weight in brains and keep coming back for more. No one will be safe.”

“No,” the master said as he pointed at one of the flowers. “Eat.”

Curious, Niu plucked a flower out of the ground and looked it over. “Chrysanthemums?”

“Long have they been considered an exquisite dish,” the master said. “Not too mention, perfect for making tea.”

Niu looked at the master with a skeptical eye. “I eat this…and I’m cured?”

“Not cured,” the master said. “But contained. Chrysanthemums possess properties that revitalize the body, mind and spirit. Gather as many as you carry. Consume them on a steady basis and they will give you the focus you need to fight your brain addiction.”

The big man sniffed the flower. It gave off a pleasant aroma. “I don’t know about this…”

“Well,” the master said. “It’s either this or stay out of the fight.”

Niu sighed. “The fates have never conspired to keep me out of a fight.”

The fatalist opened his mouth, shoved the flower inside, then munched on it. His jaws went up and down. His eyes began to water as the leaves tickled his throat and got stuck in his teeth.

“Seems like an acquired taste,” Niu said.

“Eat them non-stop and you’ll acquire it quickly,” the master said.

“Non-stop?” Niu asked.

“Whenever you aren’t doing anything, there should be a chrysanthemum in your mouth,” the master said.

“Exile is starting to sound like the better option,” Niu said as he pulled another flower out of the ground. He stuck it into his mouth and chewed.

“Nonsense,” the master said. “Your mission is vital to our cause.”

“This mission will ruin my stomach,” Niu said as he chomped on his third chrysanthemum.

“Flower eating is not your mission,” the master said. “My son, we are not alone. You must secure the assistance of the last kung fu clan.”

“The last kung fu clan?” Niu said. “I thought that was ours.”

“Technically, it was,” the master said. “However, there is a band of, how should I put it? ‘Eccentric kung fu enthusiasts’ who must be promoted to kung fu clan status if we are to defeat Dragonhand.”

“Where will I find them?” Niu asked as he stuffed his pockets with flowers.

Poof! The master disappeared, but his voice remained in the ear. “Keep following the road.”

“That’s a rather vague answer,” In said.

“And don’t stop eating those chrysanthemums,” the master said.

Niu bit into his fourth chrysanthemum of the day. “I wish I knew what I did to offend the fates so.”

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Jan 16 2017
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Zom Fu

Zom Fu – Chapter 30

tabletdemo

Cling, clang! Cling, clang!

“Bring out your taxes!”

Tax collector Peng rang a bell as he drove a horse drawn wagon into the center of a remote village. From the looks of the dilapidated homes, the downtrodden villagers didn’t have much to give.

Three armor clad guards sat in the back of the wagon, keeping a watch on a bountiful haul. The tax man had been making collections throughout the countryside all day, and though few individuals had much to give, their contributions had added up significantly.

Barrels filled with gold, silver and sparkly gems. Bags of wheat, rice and grain. Candlesticks, trinkets, priceless family heirlooms.

Peng rang the bell again. “Time to pay your taxes!”

An old woman hobbled out of her house and waved her cane at the collector. “Robber! Thief! Villain! You already collected twice last week!”

“The Emperor may collect as early and often as he wishes,” Peng replied. “Shut your mouth and know your place, crone!”

The old gal tossed her last gold coin at the collector. He caught it.

“I hope you choke on it,” the old lady said as she walked back into her house.

The villagers poured out of their homes and formed an orderly line, waiting patiently for Peng to accept their goods.

“Ahh, very nice,” Peng said as a middle aged farmer turned over a bag of wheat.

The collector moved down the line, accepting all manner of riches until he stopped in front of three villagers who were covered head to toe in hooded robes.

“You dare hide your faces in front of your better?” Peng asked.

The hoods dropped. The men opened the robes to reveal they were holding giant wooden clubs.

Bonk…bonk…bonk…bonk! The attackers worked fast, clubbing the daylights out of Peng and his guards, knocking them out and sending them to the ground.

One of the attackers was a young man with long hair pulled back behind his head in a bun and a pencil thin mustache. “You’ve just reaped the Whirlwind,” he said to an unconscious Peng.

The Whirlwind looked to his men. “Return the goods. Don’t forget to take our fee.”

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Jan 16 2017
2 Comments
Movies

Movie Review: Live By Night (2017)

Tommy guns!  Dizzy dames!  Ben Affleck in a white suit mumbling incoherently.

Youse guys better check out this movie if youse know what’s good for youse, see?

BQB here with the 1930s period piece/screen adaptation of Dennis Lehane’s historical crime novel, Live By Night.

Ben “Look At Me, I’m From Boston So I Have to Be in All the Boston Movies, Kid” Affleck stars as stick up man Joe Coughlin, a petty thug/World War I veteran who, despite being Irish, rises up through the ranks of the Italian mob on a mission of vengeance against the rival mobster who killed the maul he loved.

It’s a great premise.  It’s fun to see the past brought to life on the big screen.  Historic films rarely do well at the box office anymore, so it’s great to see Hollywood sticking up for them anyway.

Further, we’ve seen gangster era New York on screen, but its rare to see somewhere like Boston in the thirties.

My main complaint is the film tends to wander.  The whole point of the film is Joe seeking revenge, but he takes a roundabout zig zag approach to it instead of a straight line.  Halfway through the film you start to forget what Joe is up to.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Probably the best you’re going to see on screen in January.

 

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Jan 15 2017
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Writing Prompts

BQB Writing Prompts Book Progress

Well, 3.5 readers.  It finally happened.

I got a draft of a book finished that I felt was worthy enough to print out:c2oksetxuaatafk

I know.  Very exciting.  But this is big.  I believe it will get done and sooner rather than later.

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Jan 15 2017
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Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion with BQB – Ringling Brothers Circus is Closing

Sad news 3.5 readers, as Ringling Brothers Circus, a longtime American institution, is closing.

Is the circus an old timey thing that just didn’t last in the modern age?  Some news reports say it was the cancellation of the performing elephant part of the show that hurt ticket sales.  That’s too bad but then again I guess I don’t want to see elephants suffer just for amusement purposes.

I don’t know.  Surely in this day of advanced tech, couldn’t they have come up with some other spectacle to keep the audience in their seats?

Will you miss the show, 3.5 readers?

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Jan 15 2017
28 Comments
TV

They Ruined Last Man Standing

OK.  I’m about five years late with this complaint, but I guess that’s what happens when shows are preserved forever on Netflix and you can watch them whenever you want.

For the most part, I hate it when there are cast changes on a TV show.  If a group of actors/actresses wowed everyone in the first season then every effort should be made to keep the band together.

You don’t change your socks in the bottom of the ninth.  To change an actress is to change the character altogether.

In the first season, Last Man Standing was basically Tim Allen taking his winning Home Improvement formula and applying it to modern times.

On Home Improvement, Tim Taylor lusted after power tools, was kept in check by intelligent wife/psychology student Jill, and was a father to three wacky boys.  From time to time, he’d seek advice from his TV show co-star Al or his mysterious neighbor, Wilson.  During his Tool Time TV show, he’d regale the studio audience with a rant about some subject related to a problem he was experiencing with his family.

On Last Man Standing, the three boys are traded in for three girls.  Mike Baxter lusts after crossbows, shotguns and assorted pieces of hunting equipment.  He’s kept in check by intelligent wife/geologist Vanessa.  He seeks advice from his boss/confidant Ed.  In a modern twist, he regales the Outdoor Man website visitors with rants related to some problem he is experiencing with his family.

Symmetry.  Gotta love it.  Then they ruined it.

In the first season, Mike’s eldest daughter Kristin is played by Alexandra Krosney.  Her backstory is that she got pregnant during her senior year of high school, thus destroying all of her college hopes and dreams while leaving Mike with his only male ally in a house full of girls, his little grandson Boyd.

There was definitely a subtle lesson behind that character.  The message to young people who have kids way too young is, ok, you made a mistake.  But life isn’t over.  Kristin gets up everyday, works at a rancid diner, takes care of her son and occasionally takes a college class when she can fit it into her schedule.  Mom, Dad and younger sisters pitch in to help Kristin out.

Happy family.  Gotta love it.  You’re left with a hope that as long as Kristin keeps plugging away, she will eventually get her long awaited award.  She’ll get her education and she won’t have to work at a stank ass diner anymore.

Alas, in Season Two, Krosney is replaced by Amanda Fuller.  I don’t mean to knock Fuller.  She’s playing the character she was hired to play but, this version of Kristin stinks.

Jordan Masterson is brought in to play Boyd’s dad, Ryan, who in the first season had been played by Nick Jonas in a one time guest spot.

New Kristin and Ryan become liberal foils to conservative Mike.  What used to be a sweet, funny show about a happy family descends into a weekly political debate show where everyone comes across as though they want to slap the crap out of each other over the latest political happenings of the day.

I have a hunch what the network was trying to do.  They essentially moved from modern Home Improvement to modern All in the Family.

If you missed All in the Family, it had the same vibe.  Die hard conservative Archie Bunker would go toe to toe with his super liberal daughter Gloria and son-in-law Mike aka Meathead.

People tend to forget that as much of a hard ass Archie Bunker was, Mike and Gloria were, at times, unbearable in their own ways.

Archie had his pros, namely, he was a good provider and the only one in the household with the brains needed to earn a dollar or get any work done.  He also had his cons in that he was brutish and harsh, stubborn and set in his ways, though occasionally a heart of gold peeked through.

Mike and Gloria had their pros.  They cared about people and the world and were happy go lucky flower children.  But they had their cons, namely, neither one of them could work their way out of a wet paper bag and by the end of the show they had ended up a pair of forty year olds dependent on their elderly father/father-in-law because they were too free spirited to figure out how to earn a living on their own.

In short, the show runners, in my opinion anyway, were trying to say, “Hey, look, both sides have some good ideas, and bad ideas, no one has a complete lock on right and wrong and sometimes when people on opposing sides lock horns, all reason is thrown out the window.”

Apparently, the “new and improved” Kristin and Ryan worked enough to keep the show going for years but personally, I liked the first season better.  I get they are going for modern day Archie vs. Meathead and Gloria in the form of Mike vs. New Kristin and Ryan, but to me, it just comes across as this once adorable, happy family now hates each other.

Mike, like Archie, is a bit of a hard ass, though nowhere near as hard as Archie.  His conservative beliefs clash with New Kristin and Ryan’s liberalism, and the trio spend at least half of every show duking it out in a war of ideology.

Like Archie, Mike is a good provider, but he does try to foist his beliefs on his kids.  Like Meathead and Gloria, New Kristin and Ryan believe their way is the best to help people, but they do come off as ungrateful brats who boinked one night in high school and now they expect their father/father-in-law to raise and pay for their kid for them but they still want to lecture him on how to do it and tell him that he’s doing a shitty job when they should be thanking him for being there for them.

All I know is I just end up missing the happy family that loved each other in season one.

Plus, the bitter political divide the country suffers from can be seen everywhere.  Did we really need to see it on this show too?

Anyway.  Thanks for listening to my five year old complaint, America.  Bring back Alexandra Krosney.

Blah.  I don’t know if I’ll even bother to keep watching it.

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Jan 15 2017
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BQB's Favorite YouTubers

Miranda Sings Makes Her Own Hatchimal

This is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.  You might think it is just her hatching the toy, but as she explains, she couldn’t find one, so she made her own by putting her cat in a paper bag.

Funny stuff.  The cat is very well behaved.  Any other cat would have gone nuts.

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Jan 14 2017
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Self Publishing

Glengarry Glen Ross: Self-Publishing Edition (Or, Always Be Self-Publishing)

BQB’s EDITORIAL NOTE:  3.5 readers, I heard a rumor you guys are struggling with your self-publishing ventures lately, so I invited a special guest speaker to come in and motivate you.  Please welcome a young Alec Baldwin in his prime.

Blake:

Let me have your attention for a moment!  So you’re talking about what?  You’re talking about…(puts out his cigarette)…bitching about that book launch you shot, some son of a bitch reader that doesn’t want to read your book, somebody that doesn’t want to read what you’re writing, some broad you’re trying to screw but she won’t screw you because writers never get laid and so forth.  Let’s talk about something important.  Are they all here?

Williamson:

All but one.

Blake: 

Well, I’m going anyway.  Let’s talk about something important.  (To Levene) Put that coffee down!  Coffee’s for self-publishers only.  (Levene scoffs).  Do you think I’m fucking with you?  I am not fucking with you.  I’m here from downtown.  I’m here from a primo e-book sales site.  I’m here on a mission of mercy.  Your name’s Levene?

Levene:

Yeah.

Blake:

You call yourself a self-publisher, you son of a bitch?

Moss:

I don’t have to listen to this shit.

Blake:

You certainly don’t, pal.  ‘Cause the good news is you’re fired from my platform.  The bad news is you’ve got, all you got, just one week to regain your jobs as self-publishers, starting tonight.  Starting with tonight’s word count session.  Oh, have I got your attention now?  Good.  ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to this month’s self-publishing contest.  As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac El Dorado.  Anyone want to see second prize?  Second prize is a box of steak knives.  (Holds up box of knives).

Third prize is you’re fired.  You get the picture.  You laughing now?  You’ve got words.  That fuck who wrote the dictionary went to a lot of trouble to get you those words.  Think about the right word combinations and write them!

You can’t finish writing a book with the words you’ve been given then you can’t write for shit.  You ARE shit, so hit the bricks pal and beat it because you are going out!

Levene:

The words are weak.

Blake:

‘The words are weak.’  The fucking words are weak?  You’re weak. I’ve been in the self-publishing business for fifteen years.  That’s right.  I went back in time and told myself to start self-publishing before any of this shit was even invented.

Moss:

What’s your name?

Blake:

Fuck you!  That’s my name.  You know why, Mister?  Because you wrote your novel tonight on a bargain basement, second hand Dell and I wrote my novel on a state of the art, top of the line Mac Book Pro.  That’s my name!

(To Levene) – And your name is “you’re wanting to self-publish but you’re too chicken shit to get off your ass and do it.”  You can’t play in a man’s game.  You can’t close out a book.

(To Everyone) – Because only one thing counts in this life!  Get readers to read your books!  Do you hear me, you fucking losers?

(Blake points to a blackboard.  Two sets of letters are written on it:  “ABS” and “ADIY.”)

Blake:

A-B-C.  A-always, B-be, S-self-publishing.  Always be self-publishing!  Always be self-publishing.

A-D-I-Y.  Always Do It Yourself.  Stop waiting for those traditional publishing pricks to give you the keys to the golden kingdom because it’s never going to happen.  Are you going to do it yourself?  I know you are because it’s fuck or walk.  You self-publish or you hit the bricks!

Do it yourself!  Who else are you going to do it for?  Christ?  Take action.  Get out there!

You’ve got the readers coming in.  You think they came in to get out of the rain?  The guy doesn’t come to your online book sales page unless he wants to read.  He is sitting out there waiting to give you his money!

Are you gonna take it?  Are you man enough to take it?  (to Moss) What’s the problem pal?  You!  Moss!

Moss:

You’re such a hero.  You’re so rich.  Why are you coming down here just to waste your time on a bunch of bums?

(Blake takes off his gold watch and shows it to Moss).

Blake:

You see this watch?  You see this watch?

Moss:

Yeah.

Blake:

This watch costs more than your car.  I made $970,000 on self-publishing last year, mostly on one book that had a really descriptive scene about a giant pair of titties.  How much did you make?  You see, pal, that’s who I am.  And you’re nothing.  Nice guy?  I don’t give a shit.  Good father?  Fuck you.  Go home and play with your kids.

(To everyone) – You want to self-publish here?  Finish writing a book!  You think this is abuse?  You think this is abuse, you cocksuckers?  You can’t take this, how are you going to take it when your book gets a one star review?

You don’t like it?  Leave.  I can go out there tonight with the words you’ve got and write myself fifteen thousand books.  Tonight!  In two hours!  Can you?  Can you?  Go and do likewise!

A-D-I-Y!  Get mad!  Get mad, you sons of bitches!  You know what it takes to sell books?

(Blake pulls a set of brass balls out of his brief case and dangles it in front of his crotch).

Blake:

It takes a set of brass balls to sell books.

Go and do likewise, gents.  The money’s out there.  You pick it up?  It’s yours.  You don’t?  I have no sympathy for you.  You wanna go out on those word count sessions tonight and rack up big counts then those words are yours.  If not, you’re going to be shining my shoes.

Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar.  (Speaks in a sad tone).  “Oh yeah, I used to be a self-publisher.  It’s a tough racket.”

(Blake takes a stack of index cards out of his briefcase).

These are the new words.  These are the Glengarry words.  And to you, they’re gold.  And you don’t get them.  Why?  Because to give these words to you would be to just throw them away.

These words are for self-publishers.  I’d wish you good luck but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it.

(To Moss) – And to answer your question, pal.  Why am I here?  I came here because the book sales site asked me to.  They asked me for a favor.  I said, ‘The real favor?  Follow my advice and fire your fucking ass because a loser is a loser.’

(Blake heads into interior office).

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Jan 13 2017
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Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion with BQB – Should Joseph Fiennes Have Been Cast to Play Michael Jackson?

Hey 3.5 readers.

As an aspiring comedy writer, I have to say that on the surface, a plot in which Liz Taylor, Michael Jackson and Marlon Brando driving in a car together from New York to California after planes were shut down in the aftermath of 9/11 sounds like gold.

I’m not talking about the 9/11 part, obviously.  But Elizabeth Taylor and all her husbands, Marlon Brando eating himself silly and talking gibberish in a depressed tone and Michael Jackson?  Well, I suppose we don’t need to rehash his problems.

Urban Myths is a British TV show that portrays myths circulating about famous people and the casting of Fiennes, a white man, as Jackson has been talked about for a long time.

When I first heard about the casting last year, my immediate reaction was, well, normally you should not have a white man play a black man but Michael was that rare case where his skin color turned white.  Thus, even though Michael was a black man it just wouldn’t make sense to have, say, Ving Rhames or Samuel L. Jackson play him.

But then I saw the result in this Inside Edition clip and, yeah, I am now going to backpedal and say the decision was terrible:

 

Michael Jackson, as a character on film, is a very difficult character to portray.  The man had so many plastic surgeries that by the end of his life he looked like some kind of humanoid space goblin.  Thus, it’s hard to make an actor look like Michael without adding some wacky prosthetics that, let’s face it, are just going to offend everyone.

They just didn’t do a good job here.  The way Fiennes is made up, he looks nothing like Jackson.  He just looks like a white guy with a messed up face.  Cue, “Mike also looked like a white guy with a messed up face” joke here, but whereas Michael looked like a space goblin, Fiennes just looks like a white guy who went a few rounds in a boxing match and lost.

If I were making a Michael Jackson movie like this, the best option I think would probably be to cast a white guy, put a Jackson wig on him or that hat he always wore, and then put those big sunglasses he used to wear and the black bandana thing he wore over his face.  He was a germophobe so it would make sense.  You might cast a light skinned black man but I mean, it’d have to be a really light skinned black man.

Other than that, there’s just no real way to cast Jackson and/or make an actor look like Jackson without offending everyone.

Curious about the whole shebang, I searched for MJ impersonators on YouTube and found a whole variety of dudes of varying ethnic backgrounds who managed to pull it off far better than this show did…so it can be done.

It’s too bad.  Liz, Mike and Marlon in a car together sounds like a hysterical idea, but without handling it properly, the whole thing tanks.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

 

 

 

 

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