Author Archives: bookshelfbattle

Zom Fu – Chapter 15

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Just after midnight, Kang spotted a single glowing torch approaching the gates from his post atop the wall.

“Behold and hear me, for I am Kang the Magnificent, Guardian of the Gate of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw. I have vanquished scores of evildoers in my day and all are well advised to stay on the good side of my humble nature. Bask in my glory and recognize that I will not be swayed in my duty to protect the walls that keep my illustrious clan safe.”

The torch stopped moving.

“Identify yourself immediately!”

“Errgh,” was the reply.

“You will identify yourself or you will be turned away!” Kang shouted.

A few moments passed before the torch holder finally gave in. “Bohai.”

Kang squinted into the darkness, but the torch was all he could see. “Bohai? Is that you?”

“Yes,” Bohai replied.

“It doesn’t sound like you,” Kang said.

“It’s me,” Bohai said.

“No,” Kang said. “The Bohai I know would have mocked my speech by now.”

“Oh, right,” Bohai said. “You are an idiot.”

“That’s more like it,” Kang said as he yanked a lever. Gears turned and cranks cranked as the gate opened. Kang climbed down a ladder to meet the new arrival.

“I am glad you have come to your senses and returned,” Kang said. “There is too much turmoil in the world for members of our own clan to be fighting one another.”

“Indeed,” Bohai said.

It was difficult for Kang to see in the dark, but as he stepped closer, he noticed that Bohai was wearing a blood red robe. A hood covered Bohai’s face.

Kang embraced Bohai. “Welcome home, brother.”

“Errgh,” Bohai replied.

“Now then,” Kang said. “I must return to my post.”

“One more thing before you go,” Bohai said.

“Yes?” Kang asked.

Bohai threw back his hood to reveal his blank eyes. He turned his right hand into a tiger claw, smashed it through the gatekeeper’s skull, and twisted out his brain.

“Mmm,” Bohai said as he chomped the awful treat. “Yes.”

Once the brain was devoured, Bohai licked the blood from his fingers, stepped over Kang’s body and marched toward the temple.

A minute later, hundreds of burning torches approached the gate. Before long, the Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite was through the gate. Dragonhand led the way.

The fiend laughed maniacally. “Yes! Destroy everything!”

Dragonhand held out his arms and engulfed his hands in fire. “Burn it all to the ground!”

The zombified warriors spread out and set their torches against every structure they found, lighting them ablaze. Their leader shot a fireball out of his hand that pierced the the temple.

“Bring me the Staff of Ages!” Dragonhand barked at his warriors.

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In lighter news…

Captain America: Civil War is on Netflix if you bitches want to check that out.

I’m sorry I called you bitches.  I meant it in a playful manner like “Hey, what’s up, my bitches?”

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#RIPCarrieFisher

There is a great disturbance in the Force tonight, 3.5 readers, as Carrie Fisher, the actress who played Princess Leia, has died.

It is a sad evening for nerds everywhere.

 

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Zom Fu – Chapter 14

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Mei-Ling sat on the temple steps and studied the stars. In her mind, she was locating various constellations when her focus was interrupted by a visitor.

“Hello,” Junjie said as he sat down on the same step Mei-Ling was sitting on. Sadly, he placed himself six feet away.

The female warrior nodded at the handsome hero, then returned her gaze to the stars.

Junjie coughed to clear his throat. “Lovely evening.”

Mei-Ling nodded.

Scooch. Junjie began closing the gap.

“Excellent weather,” Junjie said. More scooching ensued. Mei-Ling nodded some more.

“Are you looking for a constellation?” Junjie asked. Scooch. Nod.

“Any one in particular?” Junjie asked.

Mei-Ling blushed.

“Oh,” Junjie said.  “Right.”

Minutes of silence passed until finally, Junjie was sitting right next to Mei-Ling.

“I wish I knew what was going on inside your brain,” Junjie said.

Mei-ling smiled.

“I can tell there is nary a moment when you aren’t using it,” Junjie said.

The pair sat for a while longer. Junjie tried a different tactic.

“Whoever is the best at everything, say, ‘aye.’ Aye!”

Mei-Ling’s eyes widened. She gave Junjie a playful punch in the shoulder.

“Oh well, the ‘ayes’ have it,” Junjie said. “Thank you Mei. I didn’t know you thought I was the best at everything.”

Mei-Ling rolled her eyes.

Junjie sighed. “We should vote again because I’m not the best at everything, especially when it comes to decision making.”

Mei-Ling remained quiet.

“Have you ever had to make a difficult choice?” Junjie asked.

Mei-Ling nodded.

“How did you figure it out?” Junjie asked.

Mei-Ling shrugged her shoulders.

“You don’t say,” Junjie replied, earning him another punch in the shoulder.

The pair sat quietly for awhile until Junjie mustered up all of the little confidence he had in himself in order to blurt out what he needed to say.

“Please marry me because I’d rather grow old with you than live indefinitely without you.”

Mei-Ling’s eyes widened until they looked ready to pop.

“You don’t have to say, ‘yes,’” Junjie said. “An up and down nod will do.”

The handsome hero’s plea was met by a look of total confusion on the female warrior’s face.

“Right then,” Junjie said as he stood up. “Well, considering the lifespans of past Infallible Masters, I’ll have anywhere from two hundred to fifteen-hundred years to live this embarrassment down. I’m sorry to have bothered you.”

Before he could leave, a small hand was pulling him back. Junjie turned around. Mei-Ling stood on her tip toes and pressed her lips against Junjie’s. The couple remained just like that for a while, kissing passionately in the moonlight.

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Zom Fu – Part 2 – Brain Licks and Other Tricks

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Niu is named Scholar of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw, a position that requires him to tend to the clan’s library and oversee the education of the youngest kung fu students.

Junjie pines for Mei-Ling and is told by the Infallible Master to choose between love or power.

Bohai meets Dragonhand and succumbs to the power of zom fu.

Chapter 9          Chapter 10          Chapter 11          Chapter 12          Chapter 13

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Zom Fu – Chapter 13

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Thump…thump…thump…thump…

As Bohai came to, the sound of a steady drumbeat filled his ears. His arms and legs were bound to a long tree branch that the zombified warriors used to carry the young man as though he were a bundle.

Lickspittle led the procession into the clearing, where zombified warriors danced and growled like wildebeests, bathing in blood and guts that they tossed at one another, feasting on the limbs and organs of the fallen members of the mystifying monkey slap clan.

“Ooof!” Bohai found himself face first in the dirt when the warriors dropped him. Next came Lickspittle’s voice.

“I hope this offering pleases you master,” the lackey said.

“It better,” Dragonhand replied.

“This human was feisty and fought like a lion,” Lickspittle said. “Hot, delicious blood courses through his veins, oh mighty Dragonhand.”

“Dragonhand.” Bohai’s spine tingled upon hearing the name.

The zombified warriors cut Bohai free then wrenched him to his feet and held him before their master.

“Hmm,” Dragonhand said as he looked over the specimen. “Strong…sturdy…and what’s this?”

The fiend tapped on Bohai’s shoulder, where the claw of an actual tiger had been emblazoned on his robe.

“It appears we have a disciple of the Infallible Master,” Dragonhand said as he backhanded Lickspittle. “You fool! Was he followed?”

Lickspittle cowered and hid his face behind his forearms. “No, master! He was all alone! Surely no one would dare attack a camp held by the glorious Dragonhand!”

“Dragonhand.” That name again. Bohai’s mind raced.

The fiend grabbed his prey by the face, forcing Bohai to look upon his captor’s blank eyes.

“You’re a long way from home.”

Silence.

“What have you got to say for yourself?” Dragonhand asked.

More silence.

“What’s your name?” Dragonhand asked.

Bohai refused to speak. Lickspittle struck the captive but was instantly pushed aside by Dragonhand.

“Do not come between me and a brain, insolent wretch!”

“A thousand apologies, master,” Lickspittle said.

Dragonhand leaned in and sniffed Bohai’s hair, a move that the young man was not expecting at all.

“Umm,” Bohai muttered.

“Shh,” Dragonhand said as he pressed a gray finger against Bohai’s lips. Dragonhand opened his mouth, produced his slimy tongue and licked the captive’s head.

“Sir?” Bohai said. “I do believe there’s been a mistake…”

Dragonhand ran his tongue up and down Bohai’s cranium, coating every single strand of the fighter’s hair with sticky spit.

“…it’s just that I fancy females is all and so I am not well-suited for…whatever this is…”

“Your brain speaks to me,” Dragonhand said as he stepped back. “I can smell it. Taste it. Your skull attempts to hide it from me but I know the thoughts on your mind at present.”

Bohai laughed.

“Your name is Bohai,” Dragonhand said.

Bohai stopped laughing.

“You were one of the Infallible Master’s top four students,” Dragonhand said. “Yesterday, there was a competition over the Staff of Ages. You bested a female student and thus, you believe you are, by right, the Twentieth Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw.”

Bohai scoffed. “That uh…you could have heard that from anyone. People talk.”

“Your fellow disciple, a young man by the name of Junjie, was awarded the staff,” Dragonhand said. “During the battle, you told him that you would gladly kill him and the remaining members of the tiger claw clan and step over their graves in order to rule.”

“Well,” Bohai said. “When you put it that way…”

“You regret saying that,” Dragonhand said. “But you should not.”

“I shouldn’t?” Bohai asked.

“No,” Dragonhand replied. “The Infallible Master was a bumbling old fool when I studied under him years ago and I am certain he remains a bumbling old fool today.”

“I…I don’t know if he’s that bad,” Bohai said.

“He is,” Dragonhand said. “You think it. You’ve said it to him. You’ve said it to your fellow students. You are reluctant to say it to me as a slight trace of loyalty towards the Infallible Master remains in you and you know I am the Infallible Master’s enemy.”

“Do I?” Bohai said. “I…I don’t know you.”

Dragonhand grinned. “Do not lie. The master has long warned you that if you do not mend your so-called evil ways, that you will end up like me. You thought I was a fairy tale.”

“I might have said something like that,” Bohai said.

The fiend nodded to his subordinates. They released the captive but within seconds, Dragonhand was lifting Bohai up into the air by his throat.

“Do I look like a fairy tale to you?” Dragon asked.

“Ack,” Bohai said as he pawed at his throat. His eyes bulged. His face turned purple.

Wham! Dragonhand threw his new plaything to the ground. Bohai gasped and wheezed. “I never knew it was possible to learn so much about a person by licking their head!”

“Oh,” Dragonhand said with a chuckle. “That’s a skill that is only learned through years of being a connoisseur of head meat. Stand up. You look pathetic just lying there.”

Bohai stood up.

“You remind me of my younger self,” Dragonhand said. “Do you know why?”

Without skipping a beat, Bohai gave his answer. “You used to look this good as well?”

“Ha,” Dragonhand said. “Indeed I did, but that’s not why. Like you, the Infallible Master held me back. He knew I was the best student of my generation but he kept me from pursuing the power I deserved, so I left the tiger claw clan, raised my own group of warriors and look at me now.”

“What are you?” Bohai asked.

Dragonhand glared at Bohai. “The next Emperor. Serve me, and you will be the Twentieth Infallible Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw.”

Bohai gulped. “And if I refuse?”

“Then I’ll enjoy your screams as I feast on your flesh,” Dragonhand said. “But I know you won’t refuse.”

“You do?” Bohai asked.

“Yes,” Dragonhand answered. “Because your brain tells me that you wish to be the tiger claw clan’s next master more than anything in the world.”

Bohai shrugged his shoulders. “I do but…I’m not without honor. I suppose a part of me still cares for those morons.”

Dragonhand snapped his fingers. Lickspittle hurried over and handed his boss a bag, the bottom of which was dripping with blood. The fiend reached inside and pulled out a disgusting brain.

“Is that what I think it is?” Bohai asked.

“Yes,” Dragonhand said as he held the brain out towards his captive. “It belonged to Changpu, the trusted right hand of the Vengeful Master.”

“This is meant to frighten me?” Bohai asked.

“No,” Dragonhand said. “This is meant to nourish you.”

“I’m good, thanks,” Bohai said. “I had a big bowl of brains just before I got here and I’m feeling a little bloated.”

Dragonhand pushed the brain closer until it was less than an inch from Bohai’s face.

“Knowledge is power,” Dragonhand said. “Taste this brain and you will never again be held back by cowards who are too afraid to allow you to realize your full potential.”

Bohai turned away and shut his eyes, refusing to even look at the gruesome meal. “You’ll just have to kill me.”

Dragonhand nodded to his henchmen. They grabbed the captive by the arms and held them. Bohai struggled wildly, but it was no use.

The fiend yanked Bohai’s jaw downward, gripped the young fighter’s tongue and rubbed the brain against it.

Bohai stopped fighting. He felt a spike of adrenaline, a rush that made him feel like an unstoppable juggernaut. He held the palms of his hands out flat in front of him.

“The mystifying monkey slap!” Bohai said.

“The same,” Dragonhand replied. “Devour this brain and you will be unstoppable.”

Bohai snarled like a wild dog and ripped the brain out of Dragonhand’s grip. He dove to the ground and buried his teeth into it, tearing and ripping and chewing away.

Dragonhand laughed at the sight of his new disciple.

“Young one,” Dragonhand said. “Your new master has a favor to ask of you.”

Bohai looked up from his feast. His lips were soaked in blood. His eyes were blank. Only the whites remained.

“Anything master.”

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Zom Fu – Chapter 12

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By mid-afternoon, Bohai was several miles away from the sanctuary he once called home. He laid down underneath a tree and closed his eyes.

“By tomorrow morning those idiots will come looking for me,” Bohai said. “When they find me they’ll drop to their knees and beg me to come back but no…I will never come back unless they accept me as their master.”

Bohai drifted off to sleep, muttering to himself all the while. “They’ll thank me for this one day. They really will. Junjie as the Twentieth Infallible Master. Please. Just appoint a spineless jellyfish to be the Emperor while you’re at it.”

Snap. Somewhere in the forest, a twig cracked in two. Bohai opened one eye. Tree leaves rustled. Another snap. Bohai opened his other eye.

Growls and snarls cut through the silence as four of Dragonhand’s undead warriors jumped out of the trees. Bohai sprang to his feet and without thinking, turned himself into a furious kicking, punching whirlwind.

Pow! Foot to the first warrior’s drooping face. Smash! A punch to the second warrior’s boil covered face. Crack! A backflip kick to the third warrior’s gangrenous face. Punch…punch…punch…punch…punch…punch. Bohai worked the ribcage of the fourth warrior.

“Why isn’t this working?” Bohai asked. The young fighter looked up and for the first time, caught a good look at his opponent’s face. The zombified warrior’s eyes were blank, the hair on his head was patchy, his face was gray and scarred and his teeth? They snapped up and down as the monstrous man lunged at Bohai.

“What are you?” Bohai asked as he jumped into the air and spin kicked in a circular formation, giving each beast a smack in the face with his foot.

“Errgh.” The zombified warriors growled and closed in on Bohai.

“Come on, then!” Bohai shouted as he put his fists up. “I can do this all day!”

Bonk! Bohai felt something heavy hit him in the back of the head. He fell forward, flat on his face, and passed out.

“Errgh!” The zombies rejoiced and pawed at the body, preparing to break off a few pieces until Lickspittle shooed them away with a shovel.

“None for you, vultures!” the lackey said. “If the master wants a live snack then the master gets a live snack.”

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Don’t Buy a Bunch of Presents For Your Kids and Then Complain About Your Kids Having Them

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Hello.  I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler, a world renowned poindexter, reviewer of pop cultural happenings, epic nerdventurer and a champion yeti fighter.

Additionally, I’m an accomplished philanthropist and activist.  My causes include “Stop Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death” (a rare condition that occurs when the subject eats a toaster pastry that has been struck by a bolt of lightning, then dies on the toilet while trying to expel the aforementioned lightning bolt) and #OscarsSoPretty (a movement dedicated to giving more golden statues to people who look like bronzed gargoyles).

Today, I announce a new cause – “Don’t Buy Your Kids a Bunch of Presents on Christmas Only to Then Turn Around and Complain That Your Kids Got a Lot of Presents.”

How it Starts

Mom and Dad work hard all year and spend a bunch of money on toys to make kids happy. They put a lot of work into it – shopping, hiding the toys so the kids don’t find them early, wrapping them, putting them under the tree and so on.

Grandma, Grandpa, Aunts and Uncles often get into the act.  They love the kids so they get the kids presents, wrap them…the adults in the family will coordinate and ask each other what the kids like, what toys do they already have so they don’t get the wrong thing and so on.

And then after they do all this work, they just ruin it by turning Christmas morning into one long, drawn out bitch and moan session about how these kids have it so good and they had it so terrible.

:::Kid opens present:::

ADULT #1: Oh look at that!  Aren’t you special?

ADULT #2:  Yeah, when I was a kid I didn’t get anything like that.

ADULT #3:  My parents made me get a rock from the back yard, draw a smiley face on it with a magic marker, then bring it inside, wrap it, and put it under the tree myself.

ADULT #4:  You had a magic marker?  Ha! My parents couldn’t even afford markers.  I just had to pretend my rock had a smiley face.

KID’S BRAIN: Umm…I’m sorry?

The Two Types of Kid’s Christmas Present Complaints Made By Adults

#1 – That didn’t exist when I was a kid and I wish it did.

This one is a little more understandable.  Time marches on.  Inventors invent.  Scientists science up some shit.  New products are created.

You wish you had better toys to play with when you were young.  Even aside from toys, you think your life might have been better had this product or that product been around when you were younger.

I feel your pain.  I am unwaveringly convinced that had YouTube existed when I was twenty, I would have gotten a spot on Saturday Night Live and be well into my movie career by now.

But hey, just because today a creative person can buy everything they need to put on a web show at Best Buy for a reasonable price doesn’t mean I should hate on youngsters who do that, or hate on myself because of…what?  I was born in a time when video cameras where giant contraptions you had to hold on your shoulder and even when you did record something there was no way for the average person to share it with the world?

Be happy that science is constantly creating new inventions.  Hopefully, science will eventually find ways to save the world and bring about peace and so on.

Don’t be sad whatever you are interested in now wasn’t around when you are a kid.  If you are healthy enough to complain, then you are healthy enough to go get whatever it is now and use it.

Hell, if I weren’t so wretchedly ugly, I’d make my own YouTube show.  Sure, I was wretchedly ugly when I was a twenty year old but people would have been like, “Good for him.  That wretchedly ugly twenty year old is doing something with his life.”

Today, if I did it, people would be like, “Eww…that wretchedly ugly man is trying too hard to look cool.”

And who knows?  Maybe all these new inventions aren’t great.  Maybe we were better off without them when we were younger.  Maybe we talked more.  Maybe we were more willing to listening to different points of view instead of retreating into Internet bubbles that rehash our viewpoints.

Maybe life was better in the 1990s when people would have thought you were an asshole for taking pictures of your lunch to show people what your lunch looks like.

#2 – My parents couldn’t afford something like that.

Sorry to hear that, but when you make this complaint, you’re missing the big picture.

You’re making this complaint because secretly, or perhaps not so secretly, you are jealous of your kids.  Your parents struggled and didn’t have much money.  Thus, you had to go without.  You would have enjoyed fancy toys and so on as a kid.

Yeah, your childhood was hard, but if you are complaining that your kid got something you didn’t get, then don’t be sad your kid got something you didn’t get.  Be happy that you overcame your past and put yourself into a position where can afford to buy your kids things that you weren’t able to get as a kid.

And you know what?  If you are healthy enough to complain, then you are healthy enough to play with that toy now.  It isn’t too late.  Grab it while your kid isn’t looking and play with it or hell, you’ve got the money now, buy yourself one of your very own.

CONSIDER THIS…

Christmas is supposed to be great for everyone, but really, it is the best for kids.  They don’t have money.  They have no ability to get any.  They have minds full of mush. They still think the world is a magical place where a wonderful flying fat man can make all of their dreams come true.

Don’t worry about knocking them down a peg.  As soon as they grow up and venture into the real world, there will be a long line of people (employers, boyfriends/girlfriends etc.) who will be more than willing to tell them that they aren’t good enough, so let them enjoy the toy that wasn’t around or that was unaffordable when you were a kid, because once a kid grows up and realizes dreams don’t just magically happen, even when you do try real hard, the holiday season begins to lose its luster.

IN CONCLUSION…

Don’t put a lot of time, money, and effort into buying your kids presents only to turn Christmas morning into a bitch and moan session about how lousy you had it and how great your kids have it.

Kids hear more than you think, and while they may not understand certain things you say today, they might look back as adults and realize what you were saying, that you were mad at them for having something you didn’t have.

If you really, truly, honestly can’t help but hate on your kids for having a better Christmas than the ones you had growing up, then just save your time, money, and effort and don’t buy any presents.  Tell the kid to go into the back yard and pick a rock and imagine that it has a smiley face.

Sure, the kid will be sad now, but when he is an adult, he won’t have to deal with all of the emotional stress that comes with feeling bad because he got better presents than his parents did.

So how should Christmas morning go from now on?

ADULT #1 – Hooray, you got that toy!

ADULT #2 – Good for you!  Have a lot of fun with it.

But seriously, in private, when the kids aren’t around, feel free to bitch and moan to each other all you want and hell, if you can think of a nice way to say it, maybe remind the kids now and then that money doesn’t grow on trees so they should take care of their toys and don’t break them and shit because there are starving, toyless children in Africa otherwise they might grow up to become self-absorbed douches.

Ahh hell…what do I know?  Do whatever you want.  I’m not a child psychologist.  Merry Christmas.

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Movie Review – Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (Full, Spoilery Review) (2016)

Hey 3.5 Jedis.

“I am one with the force and the force is with me.”

But if you read on, the SPOILERS will be with you.

So seriously.  If you haven’t seen this movie yet, then a) you aren’t a true nerd and b) stop reading so the movie isn’t ruined for you.

This is a review for people who have seen the movie and want to talk about it.

I’m serious, 3.5 scruffy looking nerf herders.  This is your last chance to avoid SPOILERS.

OK, now that the true nerds are here, let’s talk.  This isn’t so much a review as it is a list of observations:

#1 – The Opening Crawl and the Usual Theme Song Weren’t Used

This is the franchise’s first foray outside of the saga, i.e. the ongoing plot line in which the Skywalker family’s petty bullshit spills over into the galaxy and ruins everything.  Stupid Skywalkers.

Even so, I missed the opening crawl and the theme song.  There was a variation of the theme song but it wasn’t the same.  I assume someone made a decision that the crawl must be reserved for the saga only.

At least they split the difference by throwing, “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…” up there.

Nerds must be satisfied.

#2 – It was the best Star Wars Movie I’ve Seen in a Long Time

Last year’s The Force Awakens was OK, but let’s be honest, it was basically just a retelling of Episode IV except Luke is a girl now.

Rogue One has guts, grit, and best of all, an interesting plot, which brings us to…

#3 – The Hollywood suits didn’t do business as usual with this one and it paid off.

Think about the decisions that were made in this film:

  • Jyn Erso isn’t a role model – Jyn (Felicity Jones) is a space convict who has committed crimes.  While, given her back story, those crimes are understandable, she probably wouldn’t be a Hollywood suit’s first choice when it comes to merchandising.  Squeaky clean Rey is the poster girl for lunch boxes, shirts, and yes, even posters.  I mean, I haven’t been paying attention so maybe there is Jyn merchandise but all in all, “space convict” wouldn’t be a suit’s first choice and yet her being a space convict made the story more interesting.
  • The Rebels don’t come across as total angels – Yes, for seven films now we’ve heard of the bravery of the Rebel Alliance but low and behold, now we learn they have done some nasty shit.  It is unavoidable in war.  The concept of how far a side should go in the name of a cause they believe in is explored.  Saw Gerrera (Forrest Whittaker) even commits acts of terrorism against the Empire that are so bad he has been denounced by the Rebels.  I can hear the suits worrying that toy sales might drop if the Rebels are shown to have a bad side but hey, it made the movie better.
  • Everyone dies at the end – Sorry, but I did tell you this review would be spoilery.  Yes!  Everyone freaking dies at the end!  Hollywood suits surely worry about shit like this.  “Why would kids buy action figures based on characters who are dead?  How can the kids act out new stories if the characters have bought the farm?”  The suits were ignored.  Everyone dies and repeat after me, “the movie was better for it.”

#4 – Chirrut Imwe is the first non-Jedi follower of the Force religion we’ve seen (that I know of) – I’m sure there are nerds who would be willing to tell me that I’m wrong, but Chirrut (Donnie Yen) is a martial artist as well as a big believer in the Force, but at no time in the movie does he actually use the Force.  Come to think of it, that was also a big deviation from the saga.  The Force isn’t used much (by any one good, anyway) and there are no light saber duels.  There is a light saber bitch slap session conducted by a certain dark helmet wearing fellow, but we will get to that.

#5 – The space battle was awesome – It really was, and in keeping with my #OscarsSoPretty activism, it is good to know that ugly actors always have a home in the cockpit of an X-Wing.  X-Wing pilots can spend their time primping in front of a mirror, or they can practice their flight skills, but they can’t do both.  And a banzai style ramming of a Star Destroyer?  Yes, please.

#6 – K-2SO – The droid voiced by Alan Tudyk was the films much needed comic relief.  That’s all I have to say about him.

#7 – Reviving old characters through CGI – Princess Leia and Grand Moff Tarken both make CGI aided appearances.  Usually, I think this move does not end well (it totally sucked with Jeff Bridges in the latest Tron fiasco) but it worked well here.  They looked very real.

#8 -It’s a one and done – Really.  They all die at the end.  No sequels.  The box office totals have been great, but the money that can be made off of these characters is limited.  Oh, who am I kidding?  They could always do something like, “Jyn Erso: The Early Years” or “Fun Times with Saw Gerrerra.”

#9 – Darth Vader is a F*%King Badass and It’s About F*%King Time – Remember all those prequels that promised to tell the life story of Darth Vader, the man who became Space Hitler?  Remember how they turned out to be glorified children’s cartoons geared toward toy merchandising?  Yes.  Very disappointing.  Pod racing was the last thing that was on Darth’s mind when he was slicing, dicing, and julienning those rebels and, I’ll say it again, “the movie was better for it.”

Speaking of…

#10 – The Ending Was BRILLIANT – I’ve read some critics who are pooping all over the ending.  These critics are idiots.  This movie perfectly lines up with Star Wars IV: A New Hope.  Remember, IV begins with Darth Vader being totally rip shit over missing Death Star plans and he ends up tearing ass all throughout the Rebel fleet, giving light saber enemas to anyone who stands between him and the plans.  We are then told that some rebels died in order to get these plans to Princess Leia.  Ergo, this film is the story of how those rebels got their grubby mitts on those plans.  It really is the best story of how a vent in a giant planet killing machine was found.

Was Darth Vader brutally violent as he begins his search for the plans at the end of this film?  Yes.  But I’ve been waiting for him to kick ass again for a long time and Disney finally gave me what I wanted.  You can now watch Rogue One before watching IV and plot wise, the films line up perfectly.

Do I care that your kid might get nightmares of Darth Vader going on a lightsaber slashing spree?  Yes, but that just means you should leave your kid at home because I should be able to enjoy Darth’s lightsaber slashing spree.

Darth Vader is Space Hitler.  Darth Vader chokes bitches who do him wrong out with the Force.  Darth Vader will not hesitate to cut a bitch with his red lightsaber.  I’m sorry that in the late nineties and early 2000s, George Lucas led your child to believe that Darth was “Ani,” the little boy who pod raced, had Jar Jar as a side kick and fell in love with a space queen over a space picnic.  Ani is gone.  Darth Vader remains.  Darth Vader will Force choke a rebel bitch.  Darth Vader will even Force choke his own people.  You might call that workplace harassment but Darth calls it employee motivation.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  See it on the big screen.  The best Star Wars film since Empire.  (Although I do like Return of the Jedi even though many nerds don’t).

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Zom Fu – Chapter 9

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The tiger claw clan’s sanctuary was surrounded by high walls. The main gates served as the only point of entry or exit and as the sun rose, Bohai headed for them with Junjie in tow.

“Brother!”

Bohai ignored Junjie and kept walking forward with his head held high and his nose in the air.

“Brother,” Junjie. “Will you stop?”

Bohai refused. He walked even faster.

Junjie put his hand on Bohai’s shoulder. “Can we talk about this?”

Bohai slapped Junjie’s hand away. “There is nothing to talk about.”

“Stay,” Junjie said.

“Not a chance,” Bohai said. “I am the greatest of all the up and coming young kung fu warriors.”

“Which is precisely why I need you here to help me lead the clan when the master is gone,” Junjie said.

Bohai stopped and smirked. “Do you have any idea how ignorant you sound?”

“No,” Junjie said. “But since we were small you’ve never missed an opportunity to tell me, so let’s hear it.”

Bohai poked his finger into Junjie’s chest. “A leader doesn’t need help leading. A leader leads.”

“All leaders have advisors,” Junjie said. “Even the Emperor has counselors.”

“Ha,” Bohai said. “You are no Emperor. Now leave me be so I can go where my genius will be appreciated.”

Bohai started walking. Junjie followed.

“Bohai,” Junjie said. “You are appreciated.”

Bohai flicked his hand, waving off the sentiment as though it meant little to him.

“You are loved,”Junjie said.

“Drivel,” Bohai replied.

“Bohai,” Junjie said. “You may be an arrogant, egotistical, stubborn, self-centered horse’s ass, but damn it, you are our arrogant, egotistical, stubborn, self-centered horse’s ass. I know you didn’t mean what you said about being willing to kill us all and walk over our graves just to get the Staff of Ages.”

“I did mean it,” Bohai said.  “Every word of it.”

“You didn’t,” Junjie replied.

The two warriors locked eyes and stared at each other.

“And what makes you so sure of that?” Bohai asked.

“Because you aren’t doing it right now,” Junjie answered.

Bohai looked away. “You speak the gibberish of a child.”

“I speak the truth,” Junjie said. “I have no doubt you could overpower me, Mei-Ling, Niu, the Master, even the rest of the disciples and take the Staff of Ages by force if you really wanted to.”

“That is the truth,” Bohai said.

“So why are you running way instead of doing just that?” Junjie asked.

“Bah,” Bohai said as he walked onward. “Drivel.”

Junjie remained in place but shouted after his longtime friend. “Because you love us, Bohai!”

Bohai waved his hand behind him as if he were trying to shoo away an annoying dog.

“One day you will wake up alone and regretful for abandoning your clan,” Junjie said.

“Nonsense!” Bohai cried.

“And when that day comes, I hope you will return!” Junjie shouted.

“Never!” Bohai replied.

“You know you will be welcome,” Junjie said.

“Don’t wait for me, imbecile,” Bohai said as he reached the gate.

Feeling defeated, Junjie turned and walked back to the temple.

A burly man wearing steel plated body armor and a helmet shouted down from the top of the wall.

“Behold and hear me, for I am Kang the Magnificent, Guardian of the Gate of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw. I have vanquished scores of evildoers in my day and all are well advised to stay on the good side of my humble nature. Bask in my…”

Bohai scoffed. “Kang. Come now. I’ve heard this litany a million times.”

“Then you shall hear it a million and one times!” Kang shouted. “Bask in my glory and recognize that I will not be swayed in my duty to protect the walls that keep my illustrious clan safe. Identify yourself immediately!”

“Are you kidding me?” Bohai asked. “We’ve known each other for years.”

“You will identify yourself or be turned away,” Kang said.

Bohai sighed. “Bohai.”

“Hmm,” Kang said. “Yes. You do appear to be Bohai.”

“Right,” Bohai said. “Let’s move this along.”

“State your business for approaching the gate,” Kang said.

“To locate the nearest brothel, where I will fornicate with your mother in exchange for my pocket change,” Bohai replied.

Kang looked to his left and right. Upon seeing that no one else was watching, the mighty gatekeeper broke character.

“Come on, man. I told you about my mother in confidence.”

“I approach the gates in order to abandon this clan,” Bohai said.

“Yeah, right,” Kang said.

“I do not lie,” Bohai said.

“Why would you want to do a dumb thing like that?” Kang asked.

“The Staff of Ages has been promised to Junjie, even though I am far more worthy,” Bohai answered.

“Oh,” Kang said. “Dick measuring contest. Say no more.”

Kang yanked a lever and a series of gears turned round and round, culminating in the iron gate opening.

Bohai stepped outside of the sanctuary’s walls.

“Is this a permanent thing or are you just going to hide in the woods until everyone comes crying to you and telling you they’re sorry and shit?” Kang asked.

“It is permanent,” Bohai said.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Kang replied.

“I am not,” Bohai said.

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