Best Movie That Felt Like it Was a Big Star Trek Episode
It was good but it suffers the problem of a franchise, ergo, it kind of felt like it was just a big extended episode. We don’t learn much about the characters. They don’t move forward towards any grand resolution of the series. They just do some shit, and the shit is very interesting but the shit is self contained, unlikely to move on to the next film. It was funny that rap is considered classical music in the future though.
Space. The final frontier. Damn, it’s big and shit.
These are the voyages of the Starship SPOILERPRISE.
BQB here with a review of Star Trek: Beyond.
J.J. Abrams’ third Star Trek movie is out. This go around, Kirk and Co. get lured into a distant nebula, ambushed and stranded after crashing on a desolate planet run by the evil alien Krall.
The crew has an artifact Krall wants in order to do evil shit…and they fight and shit and that’s about it. I’ll let you watch and fill in the details on your own.
I applaud J.J. because he seems committed to honoring the spirit of the old show/movies even though the 35+ crowd that Hollywood typically doesn’t give a crap about is the only demographic that would care.
Sulu’s totally gay and homage is paid to the late Leonard Nimoy, as well as to the original cast.
Best Marvel Movie That Would Have Blown Us Away Ten Years Ago But Now We’re Used to It
Don’t get me wrong. Dr. Strange is an awesome movie. Ten years ago it would have blown us away. Alas, now we are spoiled. Here, Marvel is basically working one more cog into its world so that they can put Dr. Strange in some kind of Marvel world Avengers movie or something.
Take one part The Matrix and one part Inception, throw in a dash of Harry Potter in an alternate universe where Harry Potter is for adults and you’ve got Marvel’s latest addition to its movie list, Dr. Strange.
Presto change-o, abracadabra 3.5 readers. Hold onto your magic wand because it is time for another Bookshelf Q. Battler movie review.
OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING.
Benedict Cumberbatch stars as Dr. Stephen Strange, an egotistical surgeon whose career is cut short when his hands are badly injured.
Refusing to give up all that he’s worked for, he sets out for Nepal in search of alternative physical healing.
Instead, he learns the secrets of magic, mysticism and sorcery from the Ancient One aka Tilda Swinton.
Blah blah blah. There’s another sorcerer that Dr. Strange has to fight (Mads Mikkelsen), he has an ally (Chiwetel Ejiofor) and a love interest (the ever boner inducing Rachel…
BQB’s Shelfy Awards continue. I didn’t think much of the Shallows going into it, but I love it when a low budget movie yields big results. It’s pretty much Blake on a rock avoiding a shark for most of the movie, but it still provides a lot of suspense. iTunes had it for 99 cents the other day, I don’t know if they will do that forever but you might check it out.
A shark takes a bite out of Blake Lively’s phat ass and comes back for more.
BQB here with a review of The Shallows.
SPOILERS.
OK, so the shark doesn’t take a bite out of Blake’s bodacious booty though let’s be honest, could anyone have blamed him? I mean not an actual “bite” bite but still.
Hmm…that joke didn’t land? That’s ok. Nothing new for the Bookshelf Battle Blog.
The set-up? Nancy (Blake), depressed over the loss of her mother to cancer, takes a sojourn from medical school to do some surfing in a shallow cove.
A shark bites her leg and then from thereon it’s about two hours of Blake swimming from rock to rock, trying to think up ways to outfox the finned freak.
I knew very little of this film going into it but it was an enjoyable surprise. I assume it was low budget and if…
Ronda Rousey has lost a second fight, this time to Amanda Nunes. Critics are calling on her to retire, claiming that she’s had too good a career to taint it with further losses. In other words, she had a good run and now she should focus on other things, acting and movies for example.
My opinion – women always say, “we can do anything a man can do!” and that’s all well and good and it’s a free country so they should do what they want but sometimes I think in their rush to do manly things they don’t realize that men aren’t always right in the things they do.
Fighting is a stupid sport. You get your brains knocked around, you get injured, you’re hurting yourself, you’re hurting someone else. It kinda sucks that men do it so I feel even worse when I see women get into a ring and sock the crap out of each other.
I’m not saying they should be stopped but just…I don’t know…this may be an area where women might realize that historically, they used to not fight professionally and historically, maybe they were right not to do so. Maybe they were right and men were wrong.
I’m not sure what the Rondster should do next. She has an interesting story, she’s a great athlete and a super hot chick. If she’s up for it maybe she should keep trying but then again, maybe there are more awesome movie roles out there for her. She was the best part of Expendables 3 and Fast and Furious Part Whatever I Lost Track of How Many Now.
I even have a standing job offer for her. She can just say the word and she can replace Bookshelf Q. Battledog as Head of Security of Bookshelf Battle Headquarters. She would surely do a better job than that little flea bag at keeping the Yeti under control.
It’s been roughly two years since you have me to look after Bookshelf Q. Battler, the human author you believe possesses so much talent that he will one day write a novel so perfect that it inspires the masses to abandon reality television.
Not gonna lie, I still don’t see that side of him but hey, you’re the Mighty Potentate.
At any rate, I do believe that his blog, despite being only read by 3.5 readers, has convinced humans that reality television must be rejected. After all, it’s not like America, the greatest of all Earth nations, has elected a reality television star as their ruler or something. I firmly stand by that statement and also, please don’t watch any Earth television.
Bookshelf Q. Battlers End of 2016 Stats are as follows:
WORDPRESS FOLLOWERS: 2,025
TOTAL 2016 VISITORS: 16,389 (I cannot confirm nor deny that most of these were BQB’s Aunt Gertie).
TOTAL 2016 LIKES: 7,502
TOTAL 2016 VIEWS: 27,524 (Most were people who came here looking for directions on how to get away from here).
FACEBOOK FOLLOWERS: 287 (Though BQB is considering scraping up some cash to use as a bribe to Earth Techno-Lord Zuckerberg to allow him more Facebook friends. Like BQB on Facebook – @bookshelfqbattler)
Moreover, oh Potent One, BQB continues to seek new ways to bring traffic to his most pathetic blog. Search engine optimization appears to be BQB’s forte as he has brought in 11,576 visitors this year alone through search engine hits (though again, most were people who came here looking for directions on how to get away from here).
Based on these stats, Mightiest of Potentates, I recommend holding back your invasion of Earth for another year in order to allow BQB to continue working on his writing career. He’s building a platform, he continues to try, and though he has the attention span of amoeba, I believe 2017 will be the year when he publishes a novel.
As always, it has been a pleasure serving you, oh splendid Potent One, and though there have been rumors to the effect that I feel this job is far, far, far below my capabilities, I gladly accept any and all orders you have with a smile.
“Alexa, can you under me new socks? Alexa, can you order me more toilet paper? Alexa…can you help solve a murder case….DUN DUN DUN.”
Yes, 3.5 readers, Amazon’s Alexa, the little voice on an Echo Dot that you can put in your home and ask to order you shit and do stuff for you has become the focus of a murder case in Arkansas, where authorities believe Alexa may have heard (i.e. recorded) incriminating evidence or may have been used to order something incriminating.
I don’t know. On the one hand, Amazon can be a big help. You can order things as you realize you need them and if you have Prime, they’ll come in a day or two. Otherwise, if you are busy, you might have to suck it up and go without it until you can get to the store, and then what if you go to the store with your shopping list and you forget? Plus, you have to drive to the store, walk around all the aisles, carry all the shit into your house…bleh.
I can see why prosecutors might want the information in order to help put a murderer away. As a conspiracy theorist though, I wonder if there’s a slippery slope where government agents in black helicopters might start collecting info on when I order new underpants or whatever.
I don’t have an Echo Dot. I have mixed feelings on Amazon. The ease of ordering is good. Sometimes it is too good and then you end up ordering crap you don’t need.
By: Special Guest Reviewer Video Game Rack Fighter
I’m just going to say it. It’s unfair that I only get to review video game based films because nine times out of ten they suck so bad even Vinny Baggadouchio can’t cure them.
Ha. Inside humor.
Video Game Rack Fighter here with a review of Assassin’s Creed.
While we’re on the subject of films that suck, is it me or did this whole holiday season lineup kind of blow turds? Other than Rogue One and Passengers, Hollywood shit the bed this year.
Anyway, this video game based film didn’t suck as much as you might expect, though there was a certain amount of suckage. Maybe 60 non-suck and 40 suck if I’m feeling generous.
Why do video game movies usually suck? Because video games are usually written with a player in mind, not a viewer.
Case in point – in Assassin’s Creed, you, the player, are put into a machine that allows you, through advances in DNA science, to travel back in time in your mind and control the actions of your ancestor who shares the same DNA.
In other words, as a video game player, you might relate more to controlling a 15th century assassin than you would actually being a 15th century assassin. After all, what do you know about being a 15th century assassin? (Then again, what do you know about controlling one?)
It’s an idea that works well in the game, but not so much in the film. The story keeps switching between present day Cal (Michael Fassbender), a convict under the thumb of Sofia (Marion Cotillard) and Aguilar, Cal’s 15th century assassin ancestor (also played by Michael Fassbender).
Ultimately, there are two worlds and two plots, neither of which were fully explored within the movie’s timeframe. In fact, I dare say they spent too much time on the present day stuff and not enough time on the past stuff, where the best action in the game occurs. (The present day controlling your ancestor bit is basically just something that moves the game along).
The effects are great, the ancient fight scenes are awesome, but as video games so often do, it left me feeling “meh.”
If they ever do a sequel, and sadly given the ending it looks like they will, they’d be well-informed to know that the ancient assassin being controlled is the main attraction and the person doing the controlling is just a side show. I came for Michael Fassbender in a murdering people in a cloak. I got a little bit of that and a lot of Michael Fassbender being moody and grunting angrily, as he does in most of his films.
Funny, when this game came out years ago, I was excited for it as it promised to be Splinter Cell in ancient times. If you’ve never played Splinter Cell, you play as a secret agent who doesn’t win by shooting but by stealth. You have to sneak into a building, crawl around on the ceiling, through vents, up elevator shafts and subdue enemies without any one knowing.
Alas, the original Assassin’s Creed, wasn’t that well-developed. Missions called for you to be sneaky but the program was a little too sensitive as you’d inevitably be discovered and have to go on a stabbing spree just to get away.
The games did get better over the years, with games taking place on pirate ships and during the American Revolutionary War.
STATUS: Moderately shelf-worthy. Not worth seeing in the theater. Worth a rental.
If I’m understanding Buddhism correctly, and I probably am not, life and in particular, all of the material and greedy pursuits that we tend to seek are fleeting and impermanent, therefore they can never make us truly happy so we should either stop chasing them or if we do chase them we should not feel bad if we fail because had we succeeded we were eventually going to lose whatever it was that we were pursuing anyway.
The big house, the fancy car, the supermodel girlfriend with the giant fake boobs – these will all be lost sooner or later so rather than beat yourself up for not achieving them, focus on calmness of mind and spirit and meditate.
If your mind starts to dwell on mistakes you made in the past, mistakes you made that cause you to hate yourself because you feel they prevented you from getting the big house, the fancy car and the girlfriend with the big fake boobs, then close your eyes and mediate. Focus on your breathing, focus your mind on thinking about nothing, repeat a mantra and chant it over and over again, essentially distract your mind. You will only feel bad if you keep rehashing all of your failures in your mind. Focus instead on meditation.
It’s basically like those shirts – “Keep calm and…” Well, instead of “and drink beer” or whatever, it’s “Keep Calm and Meditate.”
Anyway, I’m sure there are better buddhists out there who could explain this better. I tend to research subjects related to novels I am working on at the moment so don’t mind me, I’ll be researching something else in the next five minutes.
Also, in theory, I feel like the girlfriend with the big fake boobs would be a calming influence but only if you could have access to the big fake boobs without the ensuing problems that go with them but let’s keep it real. She’d probably bring a lot of drama into your life, want all your money, leave you broke, cheat on you with the pool boy and so on.
Until they invent robot girlfriends with big fake boobs, meditation may be our only hope for staying calm.
Few may be aware of this, but practitioners of kung fu have developed a myriad of astounding sexual moves over the years. The downward spiraling lotus blossom, the menacing cat, the playful otter, the bombastic jackal, the miraculous crow, the three-legged badger, the twitchy nosed rabbit, the luxurious ginger root twist, the drunken eel, the lazy walrus, the fastidious cobra – Junjie and Mei-Ling had worn out their repertoire and were snuggled up, sleeping soundly when the sounds of battle woke them.
They sprang out of bed and looked out the window to see their fellow disciples being chomped upon by members of the brain bite clan.
“This…this cannot be!” Junjie said.
The lovers dressed. Mei-Ling pulled a pair of nunchucks off of her wall, tossed them to Junjie, then grabbed a sword. The duo raced down the hallway, stepping over the brainless corpses the master had left behind just moments earlier.
“No, no, no, no…” Junjie repeated over and over.
Once outside, the carnage overwhelmed their senses.
Zombies and humans were locked in kung fu combat. A beast ran toward Mei-Ling, who defended herself with a slash across the monster’s chest. The undead warrior was unfazed, even when Mei-Ling hacked off his arm.
Meanwhile, Junjie was fending off a wave of zombified marauders with a barrage of non-stop nunchuck slaps. The handsome hero was astounded, as he’d seen humans get knocked out by strikes backed up by less power before.
“Step aside,” a voice commanded.
The zombies obeyed. Bohai pushed his way through the undead horde.
“Bohai?” Junjie asked as he squinted at his friend’s blank eyes.
“Hello brother,” Bohai said to Junjie, and then to Mei-Ling, “Sister.”
“Are you all right?” Junjie asked.
“Better than ever,” Bohai said as he struck a fighting stance. “And ready for my rematch.”
The Infallible Master’s slumber was interrupted when smoke poured in through the open window in his room. The old man stirred. Grunts, growls and battle cries flowed from the outside and into his ears.
The master got out of bed, changed into his robe, then took the Staff of Ages from its resting place on the wall.
“How much time do I have left, old friend?” the master asked.
The ruby flickered.
“That much, huh?” the old man asked as he opened his door. “Oh well, I suppose no matter how much time a person has left, it never feels like enough. Stand with me to the end, will you?”
The ruby flickered again.
“That’s all I ask.”
Within a few steps down the hallway of the clan’s barracks, the master found himself squaring off with two of Dragonhand’s ugliest. They attacked but the master flawlessly blocked their blows.
“You won’t be needing these,” the master said as he tiger clawed the attackers’ brains out of their heads. Yet, even with their brains detached, the skulls smashed to pieces, and their faces missing, the zombified warriors continued to lurch toward the master.
The master squeezed the brains in his hands until they popped, squirting blood, puss and goo everywhere. The undead warriors dropped to the floor instantly.
“Sleep now, unfortunate ones.”
The old man made his way to the temple only to find it ablaze. The school, the barracks, the Tower of Masters Past – it was all on fire.
“Master!” shouted a disciple named Liwei. “They’re everywhere!”
The master looked around and saw that his disciples were defending the sanctuary with all that they had.
“Their brains, my children!” the master shouted. “Tiger claw their brains!”
The old man let his tiger claws fly, ripping undead brains out left and right and smashing them as quickly as possible. Alas, he was too late to save Liwei, who was grabbed by three zombified warriors and ripped apart. He screamed as the beasts devoured his flesh.
Thok! The master jammed the edge of his staff through the eye of a big burly looking zombie, piercing its brain. The old man pulled his staff out and let the carcass drop.
The Infallible Master fought his way through the sanctuary’s grounds, defeating many zombies and helping his disciples along the way. Soon, he found himself in the courtyard, surrounded by burning trees.
The smoke cleared and a shadowy figure stepped out of it. The undead face was ugly and yet…strangely familiar.
“Longwei,” the master said.
The fiend laughed. “Longwei isn’t here anymore, old man. Dragonhand is all that remains.”
Bookshelf Battle 