Merry Christmas 3.5 readers.
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Top Ten Reasons Why Die Hard Should Be Your Favorite Christmas Movie
Merry Christmas and Yippy Ki Yay 3.5 motherfuckers!
It’s time to talk about why Die Hard should be your favorite Christmas movie:
#10 – First action film where the hero didn’t have almost super hero like powers. In the 1980s, Schwarzenegger and Stallone put out a shit ton of flicks where they’d shoot ten million bad guys without ever reloading and never get a scratch on them. Meanwhile, McClane is a cop, so he has training, but this one man vs. a terrorist organization is a situation that your average cop couldn’t handle on his own. Though I love Arnie and Sly, I can relate to McClane.
#9 – Hans Gruber is a bad ass, a gentleman super thief who is all about the money. He love suits, love talking about gentlemanly activities, and calmly enjoys a shrimp cocktail he snagged from the Nakatomi Christmas party as he informs the guests they’ll be shot if they try anything funny. RIP Alan Rickman.
#8 – It launched Reginald VelJohnson’s career and gave us Family Matters. In Die Hard, Reginald plays working class father/cop Al Powell, McClane’s only friend on the outside. While all the law enforcement big wigs worry about rules and procedures, McClane and Al share that same cut the BS mindset. Carl Winslow is so similar to Powell that you could, if you want, just assume that Al couldn’t take all the heat after Nakatomi, so he moved to Chicago, transferred to the Chicago PD, and raised a family next door to a nerd named Steve Urkel who lusts after his daughter and blows up his house with his harebrained science experiments.
I really feel there should have been at least one episode where Carl should have shouted, Yes, Steve! You did do that! And living next door to you is worse than the Christmas I spent talking John McClane through the Nakatomi Tower terrorist bank robber attack!”
#7 – Argyle plays Run-DMC’s “Christmas in Hollis” as he drives McClane to the Christmas party. It is truly the best of all Christmas rap songs. One might argue that “Christmas Wrapping” by the Waitresses qualifies but…eh, it’s really an 80s love ballad disguised as a rap. The Waitresses were great, but they didn’t represent Queens.
#6 – McClane is also relatable because of his marital troubles. Sometimes a couple can have a fight and there is no easy answer as to who is right. Holly got a great job that took her to LA. Yes, McClane could have supported her but then again he had his own career as a New York police officer and she signed up to be with a man based in New York when she married him. Reverse the situation and you might think McClane to be a dick if he were hired for a job with the LAPD and demanded that his wife give up a job she enjoyed in NYC. Hell, if she makes enough, maybe McClane could have just left police work all together and moved to LA with his wife and taken a job as a security guard at Disney Land or something, though I doubt he would have enjoyed that.
#5 – McClane and Powell both have the same receding hairline, yet Hollywood suits allowed them to be main characters in a movie anyway. Sigh. If they ever remake Die Hard without Bruce Willis (blasphemy, for it really is a perfect movie) they surely will hire some hot stud muffin douche with a full head of hair.
#4 – Great lines that have worked their way into pop culture. “Yippy ki yay motherfucker!” because, after all, McClane was a baby boomer and baby boomers loved their cowboy films. A similar hero today might quote from a comic book movie or something. Also, I have found myself saying, “Welcome to the party, pal” on occasion, usually when someone realizes something way later than they should have.
#3 – Die Hard with a Vengeance is really the best sequel in the franchise. Die Hard 2 is ok and/or acceptable. However, in 4 and 5 (the films that take place in the 2000s), the franchise takes a bad turn when they do break the “average guy caught at the wrong place at the wrong time” as we see McClane starting to have those Arnie/Sly-like supernatural action hero powers. Yes, I think a plucky young cop might be able to suck it up and run through a floor full of glass with no shoes on and survive (as it happens in the original). No, I don’t a cop could hang onto the nose of a fighter jet and survive (as happens in 4).
#2 – Dick Thornburgh is an epic douche, as most media types are. See? Reporters were douches like before social media. All about hype, not really caring if they hurt anyone (i.e. barging into the McClane residence and broadcasting that Holly is married to John, thus making the situation much more dangerous).
#1 – Arnie was originally considered for McClane’s role. Arnie was great, and very much the John Wayne of the 1980s, but I’m glad Willis got the role. Die Hard might have been ok with Arnie, but a massive Austrian weightlifter who probably could rip terrorists in half off screen as well as on screen just isn’t as relatable as an average cop with a receding hairline and a wife he’s separated from.
In conclusion, Die Hard is my favorite Christmas movie and it should be yours too. Thanks, 3.5
Zom Fu – Chapter 12
Far outside the sanctuary’s walls, Junjie stood near a cliff and practiced his anti-stress moves. The Soaring Eagle. The Perplexed Dove. The Wounded Butterfly. They were more or less the same as they all required him to close his eyes and slowly wave his arms up and down while maintaining his balance on a short, stubby tree stump.
The trick was that he had to stand one one foot the entire time. Thus, the handsome hero was given quite a start when the master’s voice came out of nowhere.
“Junjie.”
“Whoa, whoa…whoa!” Junjie cried as he tumbled backward and fell into the grass. He looked up to find a transparent apparition that sure looked a lot like…
“Infallible Master!” Junjie shouted as he stood up.
“Yes?” the apparition replied.
Timidly, Junjie pressed his hand through the apparition’s form and marveled as it passed right through.
Junjie’s lips quivered. His hand shook. “Oh master! You’re dead!”
“What?” the master asked. “No. I’m just practicing the art of astral projection.”
“Astral…what-jection?” Junjie asked.
“Astral projection,” the master repeated. “The ability to separate body from spirit so that both may exist on the same plane.”
“Is that even possible?” Junjie asked.
“Obviously,” the master said. “Though it is a feat that has taken me a thousand years to achieve. It is the most complex skill that a kung fu master can acquire. I only figured it out recently.”
“So, if your spirit is here, where is your body now?” Junjie asked.
“Back meditating in my room,” the master replied. “Though it has been known to get up and do things without me. It could be making breakfast for all I know. One time I caught it dancing.”
The master looked down at his student’s hand. It was still lodged in the stomach area of the master’s spirit.
“My son,” the master said. “If you intend to keep your hand there much longer you will have to make me dinner.”
“Oh,” Junjie said as he pulled his hand back. “I’m sorry.”
The master stepped towards the cliff. “Beautiful day.”
“Yes,” Junjie replied. “I practice here most mornings. Here, I can enjoy the peace, the quiet, the cool air…”
“…the interesting scenery,” the master said as he pointed his translucent finger toward Mei-Ling, who was practicing her moves by the banks of the river below, unaware that she was being watched.
“What?” Junjie asked. “Who? Her? I didn’t even notice she was there.”
“Come now, my son,” the master said. “As Guowei, the Seventh Infallible Master used to say, ‘He who spreads bullshit to a shitter of bulls is bound to get shit on his face.’”
“How can one be a shitter of bulls?” Junjie asked.
“I have no idea,” the master said. “The Seventh Infallible Master was a big fan of the opium so I doubt he knew either, but the point is, stop lying. There is no need to and it does not befit you.”
Junjie sighed. “I love her so, master.”
“Hmm,” the master grunted. “And does she feel the same way about you?”
“I hope so,” Junjie said. “Though I don’t know, really. We’ve had some talks. Well, I talked. She listened and made various faces of an inconclusive nature.”
“Ah,” the master said. “Women were a puzzlement a thousand years ago and little has changed since. There can be no doubt that they will always be a mystery.”
“A beautiful mystery,” Junjie said.
“And unfortunately, if you are to be the Twentieth Master, Mei-Ling shall have to remain a mystery that you will never solve.”
Junjie looked sullen. “I figured as much.”
“My son,” the master said. “I would never stand in the way of the happiness of my students. If she loves you, and you her, and if a life together is what you both desire, then I bid you both to go into the world and start a family of your very own.”
“That is a nice thought,” Junjie said.
“But whether you are a master or a disciple, the path of kung fu is a lonely one,” the master said. “It requires your complete and undivided attention. Love your fellow students. Love your family. But romantic love has no place within our sanctuary’s walls. It is a dangerous distraction that could get you or another disciple killed.”
“I know,” Junjie said. “And I have no idea what to do.”
“Extending your life indefinitely while serving as the Twentieth Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw is a rare opportunity,” the master said.
“It is,” Junjie replied.
“But,” the master said. “Loving someone who loves you back is just as rare. She may even bring you more happiness than the Staff of Ages could. I would not know. It has been over a thousand and seventy years since I’ve known the love of a woman.”
Junjie choked back a cough. “A thousand and…”
“Yeah,” the master said. “You won’t be getting boom boom anytime soon if you become the next master so keep that in mind. No one told me that before I signed up for the job, let me tell you.”
“But master,” Junjie said. “The Staff chose me.”
“It did,” the master said. “But you must also choose it.”
“What happens if someone rejects the staff’s power?” Junjie asked.
“Honestly?” the master asked as he stroked his beard. “I don’t know. No one has ever done it before.”
“I have a lot to think about,” Junjie said.
“Indeed,” the master replied. “And not much time within which to do your thinking. My body grows weaker and I fear the Staff will allow me to expire soon. I would like to know that the Twentieth Master is in place before I make my way to Diyu.”
“This is all so much,” Junjie said.
“Well,” the master said. “My advice would be that you talk to Mei-Ling…as much as you can. You wouldn’t want to give up the chance at being a kung fu master for a woman who doesn’t love you…but you also wouldn’t want to take on this life changing role without knowing how the woman you love feels about you.”
“Do you know if she loves me?” Junjie asked.
“Ha,” the master said. “I may be the master of the greatest of all kung fu clans, but I will never be a master when it comes to the female mind. Talk to her, my son. Reveal the mystery of her heart and make a decision.”
“What if I make the wrong one?” Junjie asked.
“Then you will fall on your face and live with the consequences forever,” the master said.
“Huh,” Junjie said. “I was hoping for a better response.”
“Welcome to adulthood,” the master said.
The master’s ghostly form disappeared and left Junjie to observe the woman he loved all by himself.
“What am I going to do?” Junjie asked himself.
Poof! The master’s apparition appeared again.
Junjie’s frightened scream was mildly reminiscent of a woman. “Ack!”
“But seriously,” the master said. “Make a decision before tomorrow morning because the clock is ticking.”
Poof. The master’s spirit disappeared. Junjie waited a full minute before deciding he was all alone.
“Oh Mei-Ling,” Junjie said as he observed Mei-Ling practice her stances. “How I wonder what you think of me.”
Poof! The master was back and this time, he scared Junjie so much that the young man had to clutch his heart and breathe deeply just to slow it down.
“Master!” Junjie said. “You have to stop doing that!”
“Oh sorry,” the master said. “I thought this was the kitchen.”
Poof!
Zom Fu – Chapter 11
In the courtyard of his clan’s sanctuary, the master held his hands behind his back and paced back and forth as he trained the three hundred members of the tiger claw clan. Each member stood before a pole with a straw dummy attached.
“Claw!” the master shouted.
The students held out their hands as if they were claws.
“Strike!”
The students slashed their clawed hands through the dummies’ chests, allowing straw to spill out everywhere.
“Seize!”
Each student grabbed hold of an orange.
“Twist!”
The students twisted their hands back and forth, though in this simulation, there were no guts to fight through.
“Yank!”
The students removed their oranges and held them up victoriously.
“Disciples,” the master said. “All kung fu clans have been trusted with one signature move, a move that when utilized, can devastate an opponent. We have been trusted with the most deadly of moves, not just because ours is the oldest and most revered clan, but because the Staff of Ages has always kept our Infallible Masters on the path of righteousness. It has done so with my predecessors. It has done so with me. It will do so with Junjie when he replaces me.”
The old man stroked his beard. “Swear to me that you will never use the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw for evil!”
“We swear!” the students shouted in unison.
“Good,” the old man said. “That is all for this morning. Continue to practice, and we shall resume our studies this afternoon.”
The students formed small groups and showed off their moves to one another as the master hobbled into the temple. Slowly, the old man made his way to his room, sat upon the floor, closed his eyes, and began his meditation.
“Body and spirit become two,” the master repeated over and over. “Body and spirit become two.”
Zom Fu – Chapter 10
The Grand Library of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw was old, dusty and in a state of disrepair. The reading tables were rickety. The floor was dirty. Cobwebs grew over the thousands upon thousands of scrolls stored in cubby holes along the walls.
“You’ve appointed me as a janitor, master?” Niu asked.
The master laughed as he leaned on a desk. “No, my son. It has been three years since Scholar Jing succumbed to his advanced age and I have yet to find a replacement.”
Niu looked around the room. “I can see why. No one wants to get their hands dirty?”
“No,” the old man said. “No one realizes the honor of this great position.”
Scholar Jing’s desk was decorated with a gold inlay that was in desperate need of polishing. Curious as to what it contained, Niu opened a drawer only to step back as a bat flew out. It squeaked menacingly, then flapped its wings until it was out of the library.
“I can’t say I’m feeling the honor as of yet, master,” Niu said.
“Kung fu is the way of peace,” the master said. “The way of tranquility. Defense over offense is our way yet many young students fill their minds with thoughts of adventure and daring do. No one wants to be a kung fu librarian.”
“And I should?” Niu asked.
“Of course,” the master said as he pointed to the cubby hole lined walls. “These scrolls contain the history of our clan. Each scholar records the events of his time and passes it down to the next scholar. It is an essential role, for if we lose our past, then our grip on the future becomes tenuous at best.”
Niu folded his giant muscular arms and looked down at the old man. “And when you look at me, a librarian is what you see?”
“No,” the master said. “I see an ox capable of crashing through enemy lines and destroying opponents two at a time. But there is what you look like on the outside and who you are on the inside.”
Niu sat down at Scholar Jing’s desk. The chair creaked and cracked apart, leaving Niu’s backside on the floor.
“And who am I on the inside?” Niu asked as he stood up.
“Someone who realizes this is a job that needs to be done and…”
Niu dusted himself off and sighed. “Someone who realizes if I wasn’t meant for this job, I wouldn’t be here.”
“You are free to turn it down,” the master said.
“No,” Niu said. “Though I’m going to need a bigger chair.”
“The library is yours to furnish as you see fit,” the master said as he led the big man out of the library and down a hallway.
“As our scholar, you will keep the library in superb condition, maintain the scrolls of past scholars, and advise those who seek information,” the master said.
“I understand,” Niu said.
“Naturally, I expect you to keep a full training schedule, as you are still a member of China’s most revered kung fu clan,” the master said.
“Naturally,” Niu said.
“But you must also devote your free time to reading the scrolls and absorbing their wisdom,” the master said. “You must start with the tale of how the Staff of Ages was constructed in Heaven and gifted to the First Infallible Master so that he would be inspired to raise the first kung fu clan and call upon others to raise clans in service of the Emperor.”
“That sounds like a lot of reading, master,” Niu said.
“Yes,” the master said, “But it is knowledge you will need to perform a scholar’s most important task.”
“An important task?” Niu asked. “Is it dangerous?”
When Niu and the master reached the end of the hallway, the old man opened up a pair of double doors. The pair stepped into a room where fifty children, ranging in ages from five to twelve, sat at tables and ate breakfast.
“Very,” the master said. “All scholars must educate the next generation, and don’t expect them to go easy on you.”
The master clapped his hands. “Children!”
Like a swarm energetic locusts, the kids jumped out of their seats and surrounded the visitors.
“Master, master!” the little ones cried.
“Hello, young ones,” the master said. “Behold, Scholar Niu, your new teacher.”
Niu grimaced as the kids swarmed around him.
“Wow, he is huge!” one child said.
“Like a mountain with eyeballs,” another child added.
“Master,” Niu said. “Why are the fates punishing me?”
The master laughed. “It may seem that way now, but in time, you will recognize this duty as a blessing, just as Scholar Jing did.”
“I am the greatest kung fu champion!” a little boy shouted as he kicked Niu square in the groin.
Timber. Like a mighty tree severed from its base, the clan’s newest scholar came crashing down to the floor with a tremendous thud.
“I think Scholar Jing was a better man than I,” Niu said as he stared up at the ceiling.
Zom Fu – Part 1 – The Test of the Twentieth Infallible Master
Yaozu, the Nineteenth Infallible Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw, calls upon his four best students Junjie, Bohai, Mei-Ling and Niu, to compete for the Staff of Ages, the prize that will determine the clan’s next master.
Bohai takes the competition way too seriously.
That evening, Dragonhand’s Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite defeats the Clan of the Mystifying Monkey Slap. The ruler of all zom fu warriors devours the brains of the Vengeful Master and the Sorceress Suyin. In doing so, their knowledge, and thus their power, become his.
Movie Review – Passengers (2016)
J-Law! Chris Pratt! Chris Pratt’s gratuitous ass! (I swear it did nothing for me).
BQB here with a review of Passengers.
So, 3.5 readers, do you know how technology rarely works?
I mean, it works great for a little while but sooner or later it breaks down, develops a bug, has something go wrong with it and after you exhaust yourself with tech support and trying everything you can think of to fix it, you eventually pull your hair out and give up, resigning yourself to the fact that you’ll have to just live with a shitty piece of equipment until you can afford to buy a new one which…will eventually break down?
As it turns out, technology isn’t that much different in the future. Unlike the sleek, always operational ships in Star Trek, the Homestead Corporation’s ship totally sucks.
Five-thousand passengers are suspended in hyper sleep for a hundred and twenty year trip to a new planet, Homestead II.
Unfortunately, technology sucks in the future just as it does now, as Jim Preston (Pratt) and Aurora Lane (Jennifer Lawrence) wake up way too early with ninety years left before they reach their new home world.
In other words, they’re stuck in a ship for life, with no way to fulfill their dreams, doomed to wander the craft’s metal halls, perpetually bored forever with all of their plans out the window.
I must admit, I didn’t expect much out of this film going into it so I was pleasantly surprised by its awesomeness. Even though there are only two characters (four if you count Michael Sheen as Arthur the bartending Android and Laurence Fishburne as someone but I can’t tell you who yet), there are plenty of epic twists and turns as well as some fabulous special effects.
As I sat there watching it, I thought to myself, “Yeah! My laptop, TV, and cell phone all worked for about five minutes after I took them out of the box so I could totally see my sleep pod malfunctioning and leaving me to live out my life on a ship!”
See? Technology sucks, even in the future.
Hyper sleep has long been a staple of sci-fi space travel films. Interstellar, for example, opened our eyes to the concept that theoretically, it would be possible for a space craft to make it out into deep space as long as there is a way to preserve the human travelers, otherwise they’d live out their lives and die in transit so what’s the point?
But this is the first film (that I know of) to utilize hyper sleep as a big plot device. While there are moments of comedy as Pratt and J-Law plead for help from pre-programmed, bureaucratic robots who assure them that it is impossible for them to be awake, the film is also a drama, a love story, and a suspense thriller all rolled into one.
Faulty technology, incompetent tech support help and a corporation that doesn’t plan for things going wrong? Yeah, this film may be set in the future, but it does feel like life in 2016. Somehow, it seems more plausible than Star Trek.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Worth seeing on the big screen. Excellent date movie. Women, stop looking at Chris Pratt’s ass. Chris Pratt, stop showing everyone your ass. I bet no one even asked you to show it, you were all just like, “I’m gonna let my cheeks flap in the breeze!”
Movie Review – 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)
Best Movie I Didn’t Expect Much From that Turned Out to Be Awesome
I didn’t think much of 10 Cloverfield Lane and wasn’t expecting much out of it but I was pleasantly surprised. I feel like it deserved more attention than what it got.
Michelle gets into a car accident. She wakes up in an underground bunker. Howard informs her that he found her and brought her there just in time to avoid an alien attack on the planet.
Thus, you, as the viewer, start asking questions:
1) Is Howard a nut who is lying about the alien attack and he just kidnapped a woman to keep her in his bunker?
2) He is a nut but maybe he’s telling the truth about the alien attack? Perhaps he’s just an eccentric survivalist who under normal circumstances would be a nut but now his nuttiness has paid off?
3) Split the difference – maybe there are aliens but maybe Howard is still too nutty to chill out alien attack or not?
It was low budget, three characters, most of the film takes place in the bunker and yet it fills you with a lot of fear and suspense.
Check it out, 3.5.
A woman is either John Goodman’s guest or hostage.
That’s pretty much it.
End of review.
Crap. That’s only 16 words?
Let’s talk some more then. BQB here with a review of 10 Cloverfield Lane.
SPOILER WARNING!
So here’s the deal, 3.5 readers.
Our tale begins with Michelle (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) getting into a car accident. When she wakes up, she’s locked away in an underground bunker.
Her host or captor as the case may be is Howard (John Goodman.) He informs her that while she was knocked out, a major attack occurred up above. It might have been nuclear or chemical, he isn’t sure, but he’s sure that the world above ground is no longer habitable and she needs to stay in the bunker with him. She’s informed that if she tries to leave the bunker, she’ll let in poison gas that will kill everyone.
OK. Show of hands…
View original post 451 more words
Red Hot Knife vs. Stuff
Hey 3.5 readers.
Came across this video that captivated me.
So this Youtuber, Mr. Gear, took a knife, blasted it with three blowtorches until it became red hot, then used it to cut through stuff.
He cuts through a bar of soap, a block of cheese, a ping pong ball, a bottle of Coke and more.
I’m a little surprised the Post-It Notes seemed to give him the most trouble. They burned easily but they didn’t cut easily.
As for the Coke, I’m surprised the bottle didn’t explode and cover him with red hot sugary Coca-Cola napalm.
Anyway, please, please, please don’t try this at home. I’m serious. Don’t try this at home. I guarantee you will injure yourself or others. Do not try any of this at home.
Zom Fu – Chapter 8
“Suyin,” Dragonhand said. “When I welcomed you into my clan, I did so with doubt.”
“Because of my humanity?” Suyin asked.
“Because of your allegiance,” Dragonhand answered. “Is it to me or to the Sisterhood of the Flame?”
Suyin cocked her head to one side. “It can’t be to both?”
“Have you ever known me to be adept at sharing?” Dragonhand asked.
Suyin brushed her hand against her master’s ruined face. “No master, but there’s plenty of me to go around.”
Dragonhand pushed the sorceress’ hand away. “I have come too far only to have the witches you answer to steal my victory from me.”
“The sisterhood only seeks chaos, master,” Suyin said. “When the world burns, we are pleased.”
“And if it ever comes down to me or them?” Dragonhand asked.
“Why, you of course,” Suyin replied. “Have I ever given you a reason to doubt my loyalty?”
“Hmm,” Dragonhand grunted. “No.”
“Have you not benefitted from my wise counsel?” Suyin asked.
“I have,” Dragonhand said. “And I need it now.”
“Certainly,” Suyin said. “What troubles you?”
“I have spent the past two decades defeating the greatest kung fu masters in all of China,” Dragonhand said. “I have devoured their brains and made their knowledge mine. The Steadfast Master. The Resplendent Master. The Triumphant Master. The Reluctant Master. The Astute Master. The Clever Master…”
Suyin carried on with Dragonhand’s resume. “The Studious Master. The Morose Master. The Nimble Master. The Uncanny Master. The Humble Master.”
“And now the Vengeful Master,” Dragonhand said. “Surely now I am ready take my rightful place upon the Dragon Throne.”
“The brains of the fallen masters have made you very powerful indeed,” Suyin said.
“And now the Emperor’s brain is ripe for the chomping,” Dragonhand said. “When I rip his brain out of his head, all of China will be mine.”
“Yes,” Suyin said. “But you know as well as I, my lord, that a most formidable brain stands between you and the Emperor’s brain.”
“Who would dare come between me and the brain I desire?” Dragonhand asked.
“The Infallible Master,” Suyin said.
“Ha,” Dragonhand said. “I have already mastered the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw. The Infallible Master’s brain is useless to me. That old fool is nothing.”
“And yet, with the Staff of Ages, he is everything,” Suyin said.
“Ahh, that cheap bauble,” Dragonhand said. “I have no use for it. Eternal life is already mine.”
Suyin raised a quizzical eyebrow. “Is it?”
“Yes.”
“But is it?”
“How is it not?” Dragonhand asked.
“Yes, you will live forever in this undead state, my lord,” Suyin said. “But would you not prefer to live forever as a handsome, healthy, virile man again?”
Dragonhand pondered the question. “Indeed I would, but the Staff of Ages has a mind of its own. It would never allow me to use its power and even if it would, it would only keep me alive for a time period of its choosing.”
Suyin raised her hand and set it ablaze. The low flames crackled before Dragonhand’s eyes.
“I have learned much from the Sisterhood,” Suyin said. “Bring me the staff and I will unlock its secrets for you.”
Dragonhand shook his head. “Ahh. Your treachery reveals itself.”
“Pardon, my lord?” Suyin asked.
“All these years you stood by my side not out of allegiance to me but so I would grow strong enough to defeat the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw, steal the Staff of Ages and give it to you, so that you might run off with it like a thief and turn it over to the Sisterhood of the Flame.”
The flames circling Suyin’s hand dissipated. She attempted to brush her hand up against her master’s cheek again, but before she could, her hand was seized and twisted.
The sorceress cried out in pain. “No…master! I…I’ll use my magic to deny the staff its free will.”
“To make it easier for the Sisterhood to use it against me,” Dragonhand said.
“No,” the sorceress said. “I will teach you all I know of magic so that you will be able to do all I can do and more. You will be able to wield the Staff of Ages and it will be powerless to refuse you.”
Dragonhand released Suyin. “Interesting. How long would that take?”
“For you to learn how to become a sorcerer?” Suyin asked. “At least a decade or more.”
“Bah,” Dragonhand said. “Too long.”
“But you have nothing but time,” Suyin said.
“Yes,” Dragonhand replied. “But I have very little patience.”
The fiend brushed his greasy fingers through Suyin’s hair. She smiled.
“I have another idea,” Dragonhand said. “It will be faster, but I fear I ask too much.”
“You can ask anything of me, master,” Suyin said.
Dragonhand turned away. “Anything?”
“Anything at all,” Suyin said.
“Good.” Dragonhand turned his hand into a tiger claw and before Suyin had a chance to scream, her master was ripping her brain out of her skull.
The fiend looked down at Suyin’s remains as though they were an annoyance, then sniffed his prize. He licked it. Tasted it. He took his time with it.
“There’s just something special about a good female brain,” Dragonhand said.
Lickspittle shuffled over, lugging a sack filled with brains swiped from the fallen members of the monkey slap clan.
“An excellent haul, master,” Lickspittle said. “Our warriors won’t go hungry tonight.”
The lackey noticed the sorceress’ body.
“Difference of opinion?” Lickspittle asked.
Dragonhand crunched and munched a piece of his latest victim’s gray matter between his teeth. “Not exactly. I just needed her brain more than she did.”
“I hope you’ll never get a craving for my brain, master,” Lickspittle said.
Dragonhand finished devouring his prize, then held out his hands. Instantly, they were consumed by fire.
“Don’t worry, worm. I would never want to be that stupid.”
Bookshelf Battle 