Author Archives: bookshelfbattle

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 117

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Slade’s stoic face broke as he looked down at his close ally. He cried…but just a little.

Bobcat patted Slade on the shoulder. “Slade, if it’s any consolation, I pleaded with Eagle to allow your town full of lying, thieving back-stabbers to be consumed whole by the zombies as punishment for the many, many years of torment your people have put my people through.”

Slade sniffed. His eyes dried up. “It isn’t, but thanks, I guess.”

“Then perhaps it is a consolation that he cared enough about you and your people to ignore me and come to your aid anyway,” Bobcat said. “Truly, he was a better and more forgiving man than I.”

“I wish it was me lying there,” Slade said. “Instead of him.”

“I wish so too,” Bobcat said. “I really, really do.”

Wandering Snake stepped next to Slade’s right side.

“A bear catches a fish,” the shaman said. “A bear eats the fish. A bear’s belly is full. The bear is happy.”

Slade nodded.

“A bird eats a seed,” Snake said. “A bird’s belly is full. A bird is happy.”

Slade nodded again.

“But a man,” Snake said. “And, to be specific, your kind of man. He eats his dinner. His belly is full. He wants more. He lives in a home. He wants a bigger home. He has gold. He wants more….”

“I get the picture,” Slade said.

“Do you?” Snake asked. “Because all any man ever needs to do to be happy is to realize he lives in a world bestowed upon him with all the food he’ll ever need to eat, all the water he’ll ever need to drink, all the materials he’ll ever need to survive and most importantly, more than enough of everything to share with everyone. There is no need for anyone to ever be unhappy.”

Slade kept listening.

“Your people have dreamt up some interesting inventions,” Snake said. “Pipes that belch smoke in the air. Iron horses that connect one part of the land with the other. Weapons that can rob a man of his life with frightening efficiency.”

Miss Bonnie squeezed Slade’s hand.

“But in your kind’s quest to see what it can do, none of your people stopped to ask themselves if there are things that they should not do,” Snake said.

Snake tapped the bottom of his staff on the ground. “What do you see when you look at me, Slade?”

Slade was hesitant. “An..Injun?”

Snake shook his head. “You see a crazy old man. Some foolish savage who believes he can do a little dance, wave a few trinkets around in the air and channel the power of the spirits.”

“Maybe,” Slade said.

Snake dabbed his finger into a pouch, then dabbed a few red lines on either side of Standing Eagle’s face.

“Then maybe it will surprise you to know that my people have been channeling the power of the spirits since the beginning of time,” Snake said. “An art that your people would crudely refer to as ‘magic’ I believe.”

Slade was in doubt, but felt it would be rude to not allow the old man to continue his speech.

“There are many like me,” Snake said. “Or rather, I should say there were many like me. Long ago, back in the time before your people decided this land was for them and only for them.”

Snake set ablaze another one of his bundles of incense, waving the sweet smelling smoke all around Standing Eagle’s body.

“Many of us had powers so great that we could have wiped out your kind a thousand times over and saved this land for ourselves,” Snake said.

The shaman stood up and handed his incense to Bobcat. “We considered what we could do, then realized what was right to do, and we decided that the only morally right course of action would be to allow your people to shame themselves, rather than use our power to cause any further loss of life.

Snake removed a sharp stone knife from his belt.

“And yet your people refer to us as savages,” Snake said. “Ironic, isn’t it?”

“It is,” Slade said.
“Oh,” Snake said as he grabbed Slade’s hand. “I don’t mean you, specifically, Slade. Eagle did have respect for you, as you were the only man from your government who kept his promises that any of us have ever met in our lifetimes. Until, of course, you lied about Jack Buchanan.”

“I didn’t lie so much as not explain myself well,” Slade said.

Snake let go of Slade’s hand. “It is of no consequence now. Your conscience should be clear, but I do believe that the shame of what your people have done will follow them far, far into the future. One day, your people will look back on what their ancestors did to my people and recoil in horror.”

“If the zombies haven’t eaten everyone by then, I reckon so,” Slade said.

“And now, I advise you to look away,” Snake said. “For this is a different moment, one where what I can do matches what must be done.”

Snake closed his eyes, gripped the knife with the blade pointed at his chest, and stretched out his arms.

“What are you doing?” Slade asked.

“The spirits require a trade,” Snake said. “I am old and in these dark times, the Eagle must stand.”

Slade grabbed Snake’s arm but Bobcat pulled him back.

“You can’t!” Slade protested. “We can’t just let him…”

Miss Bonnie and Miles looked away as the shaman drove the knife into his heart. Fox and Owl caught him and eased his body to the ground.

“Why?” Slade shouted. “Why didn’t you stop him?”

Standing Eagle sat up and gasped.

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 116

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The blood and guts in her hair didn’t phase Slade. Once Standing Eagle’s warriors were cut loose, Slade grabbed hold of Miss Bonnie and kissed her deeply. Passionately.

Slade pulled back. “I thought you were dead.”

“I thought you weren’t going to come for me,” Miss Bonnie replied.

“Looks like you didn’t need me to,” Slade said.

“I know,” Miss Bonnie said as she rested her head against Slade’s chest for a moment. “But it’s nice to know that you tried.”

The pair kissed again, madly swapping spit and tongues, lost in each other, oblivious to the world.

“Ahem.”

Miles was back to his boy form and standing next to the couple, pretending to clear his throat.

Petrified, Slade froze up.

“She’s awake?” Slade asked.

“Yup.”

Slade turned around to face his bride.

It isn’t easy to describe a facial expression. The English language has words like “unhappy” or “disappointed” or “sad” but really there isn’t a single word that can sum up the pain that the Widow Farquhar was in upon seeing her fiancé sucking the face of the Highwater’s most infamous prostitute.

The best attempt at a description would require you, the noble reader, to imagine that you’re a child again, and your beloved grandmother just gifted you an adorable puppy dog on Christmas morning. You’re sitting there, petting it, stroking it, bonding with it and then all of a sudden your grandmother produces a revolver, blows the dog’s brains out, declares that Santa Claus is non-existent, then blows her brains out. Finally, your parents walk in and upon seeing the mayhem, they too produce revolvers, inform you that you’re a loathsome disappointment, and then blow their brains out.

The look on your face as you sit there amongst the rotting carcasses of your puppy, granny, and parents would not only be a perfect blend of shame, sadness, depression, anger, confusion, agony and despair, but also it would be more or less similar to the expression that enveloped Sarah’s face that day.

Sarah’s voice wavered. She’d lived a sheltered life, cared for by men all of her days. Confrontation was something she just was not used to.

Her voice faltered.

“You…”

Slade stammered. “Sarah…I…umm…”

Sarah’s hair was a bird’s nest like mess from all the turmoil she’d been through. Her dress was wet, filled with holes, covered with so much mud and blood that it looked nothing like a wedding dress anymore but rather like the tattered rags of a common street beggar.

She drew closer. “You thought that I…was her.”

Slade’s cheeks flushed with embarrassment. Miss Bonnie stepped back.

“No,” Slade said.

“You were disappointed when you saw me on the train,” Sarah said.

Slade shook his head. “No, no. Not at all…I…”

Sarah looked Slade in the eye. “You called me Bonnie.”

Slade dropped his head in shame. “Yes.”

The Farquhars were good Christian folk, people who believed that the bible wasn’t just a collection of useful morality tales but rather, that all that hullaballoo actually happened. Thus, from a young age, Sarah had been taught to be a good person, to behave herself and mind her P’s and Q’s, lest she be denied entry into heaven, or be turned into a pillar of salt, or end up in hell pushing a boulder up a never-ending hill forever and ever.

But in that moment, she forgot all that and unleashed the most breathtakingly obscene tirade that had ever occurred in the history of Highwater.

“You fucking cocksucker!” Sarah shouted.

She slapped her dainty hands across Slade’s chest. He stood there and took it like a man. It wasn’t that difficult. There wasn’t much power behind those slaps.

“You dirty son of a bitch bastard, fucking two-timing, philandering, rancid piece of shit out of cow’s smelly ass!”

“Whoa,” said Miles as he stepped a few feet backward to avoid the fray.

“I hate you!” Sarah cried. And she was, literally crying. Tears streamed down her cheeks and her swears were interrupted by sobs. “ I fucking hate you, you fucking disgusting pig and I hope that you contract a fucking disease that makes you shit blood out of your asshole until you fucking die!”

“Sarah,” Slade said. “Can we…can we just talk?”

In response to that question, Sarah balled her hand into a fist and launched it at Slade’s jaw. There was power behind that blow and in terms of pain, it ranked right up there with all the socks in the jaw Slade had received from various criminals in his career as a law man.

“And you!” Sarah shouted at Miss Bonnie.

Miss Bonnie closed her eyes. She figured she deserved a good punch of her own for stealing a bride’s groom but instead felt something small bounce off her cheek.

The redhead looked down to see Slade’s mother’s ring lying in the dirt. Sarah had screwed it off her finger and thrown it at Miss Bonnie’s head.

“You can have him…whore!”

Sarah stormed out of the barn and into the road. She walked off. Slade, Miss Bonnie and Miles followed.

“Sarah!” Slade yelled.

Sarah kept walking. Slade kept following.

Down the road, Standing Eagle’s warriors could be seen marching toward the barn. They were carrying a large bundle of some kind, so big that it required men on each side to hoist it over their shoulders.

“Sarah!” Slade yelled again. “I can’t just let you leave on your own! There are zombies out there!”

Sarah did an about face, balled her hand, gritted her teeth and screamed like a raging, rabid animal.

“Shit!” Slade said as he put up his hands to protect his face from the series of blows that rained down upon him. “Ok! Ok!”

Sarah gave up and kept walking. Slade stayed in place but shouted one more time, “Sarah.”

“What?” Sarah asked without turning around.

“I’m sorry.”

Sarah kept walking. “Fuck your sorry in the ass with a syphilitic donkey cock.”

“Jesus,” Slade said to himself.

Slade didn’t move but he could feel Miss Bonnie’s presence next to him. Together, they stood silently for a moment and watched as Sarah walked past the incoming warriors.

“Did you know she had that in her?” Miss Bonnie asked.

“I did not,” Slade replied.

Slade was about to walk to the barn to collect his mother’s ring when Miss Bonnie held up her hand and twitched her fingers to show that she was wearing it.

The lawman sighed.

“What?” the redhead asked.

“The vampire,” Slade said. “Said I wasn’t able to feel hope. That I’d never be happy. No one around me will be happy.”

Miss Bonnie took Slade by the chin and kissed them. “I doubt it,” she said.

“What if he’s right?” Slade asked.

“Then we’ll be unhappy together,” Miss Bonnie said.

The couple embraced and kissed again.

“But what if…”

Miss Bonnie cut her man off. “Fuck that vampire! Now you get down on your knees and you beg me for my hand, Rainier Slade!”

Slade smiled, as did Miss Bonnie. Neither of them felt the need to say it, but for a man who was allegedly unable to feel hopeful, Slade was looking very happy.

He got down on one knee and took Miss Bonnie’s hand.

“Bonnie,” Slade said. “If you’ll have me…”

“Oh shut up,” Miss Bonnie said as the two hugged and kissed again.

The newly engaged couple walked hand in hand down the road. Their joy quickly turned to sadness when they caught up to the warriors. Miles had already joined them.

Wandering Snake directed the warriors as they laid their bundle down.

It wasn’t just any bundle. As Snake pulled the sheet away, the lifeless face of Standing Eagle was revealed.

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 115

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Miss Bonnie was feeling rather discouraged.

Her hands had been tied behind her back. Her legs were bound together. Like a slab of beef, she was left to hang upside down from the rafters of a dusty barn by a length of rope tied around her feet.

There was enough slack in the rope that her head was only a few feet off the ground. She felt dizzy as all the blood rushed to her head, turning her face roughly the same color as her hair.

Her resilience remained.

“This is bullshit,” she said.

Standing Eagle’s warriors had been similarly restrained. Charging Bobcat and Screeching Owl hanged to the left of Miss Bonnie, while Crafty Fox and Wandering Snake hanged to her right.

Charging Bobcat flexed, shook, shimmied, writhed his body all about, grunting and groaning, fighting for his freedom.

“You will strain yourself,” a calm Snake said.

“So we just do nothing?” a belligerent Bobcat replied.

“We wait for the spirits to make their will known,” Snake said.

“That’s a good way to get yourself killed,” Bobcat said.

Bobcat gritted his teeth as he struggled. Finally, he shouted loudly. Angrily.

“Arrrrrrrrrrrrghhh!”

The room went silent.

“It is a good way to not lose your mind,” Snake said.

The barn doors swung open.

Lamont walked in and laid his bag down on a table that had been set up for him in the middle of the barn.

“Oi,” the cockney vampire said. “Let’s have a lil look see at me crowded space, yeah?”

The vampire opened his bag and laid out a variety of tools. First, there was a rusty pair of pliers.

“Pinchers they is,” Lamont said. “Yank your scratchers right off your pointers.”

Filled with fear and confusion, the hostages took in the show. Lamont was happy to spend some time instructing his captives on the tortures he had in store for them.

Next was a pair of scissors. “Nice snip snips,” Lamont said. “Take off a toesy woesy they will.”

Out came a long, sharp knife. “Slasher. Now that’ll rearrange your gullivah all right..”

“What’s he saying?” Bobcat whispered.

“I don’t know,” Miss Bonnie replied.

“What tongue is he speaking in?” Bobcat asked.

“English,” Miss Bonnie said. “But I think like…from England.”

Lamont pulled out more items. A cat of nine tails. A length of chain. A few collars with spikes pointing inward.

He chuckled as he pulled out the last item – a corkscrew.

The vampire walked over to Miss Bonnie, leaned down in front of her face and held the corkscrew in front of her eyes.

“One lil pop in your thinker in just the right spot love and youse a thinker no more,” Lamont said. “A blood bag forever after. Stay nice and fresh and give us some drinky poos you will.”

“I don’t get it,” Bobcat said.

“He’s going to perform a crude surgery on our brains so we won’t think any more but we’ll remain alive and pump blood that will be harvested for his kind to feed on,” Snake explained.

“Shut yer gob,” Lamont said as he shook his knife at Snake. “You’ll get your turn.”
Lamont picked the knife up off the table and sliced the rope that was holding up Miss Bonnie, allowing her to drop face first on the floor.
“Miss Bonnie said as she lifted her head up. Her face was bruised and bloodied from the fall. “And here I just thought he was some kind of fucked up pervert.”

Lamont brushed the palm of his hand across Miss Bonnie’s cheek.

“Mmm,” the vampire said. “Nice and soft. A pretty piece of flesh.”

“Shit,” Miss Bonnie said.

“Upsie daisy now,” Lamont said as he grabbed Miss Bonnie by the arm and dragged her over to the table. The vampire propped his vampire up in a chair and looked down on her.

“‘Ello poppet,” Lamont said. “Fancy a spot of fun? A bit of rough and tumble, ay? A little bit of the ole in and out? Nice day for a proper rogering in’it?”

Miss Bonnie responded with a gooey glob of spit that launched from her mouth to her captor’s face.

“We need to do something,” Bobcat said.

Snake’s eyes were closed as part of his meditation. “If we are meant to do something the opportunity will present itself.”

“But…”

“Trust in the spirits to make all right,” Snake said.

Lamont wiped the spit off his face and laughed. Then his eyes turned blank and blood red. He stared into Miss Bonnie’s eyes.

“You want it, don’t you love?” the vampire asked.

All the fight went out of Miss Bonnie. “Oh…I do…”

“That’s more like it,” Lamont said with a grin. He cut the rope away from Miss Bonnie’s feet and hands, then set his knife down on the table.

Miss Bonnie’s lips went all pouty. She batted her eyelashes. “Please. Don’t make me wait for it any longer.”

Lamont picked up Miss Bonnie, threw her down on the table, then started unbuttoning his shirt.

“Snake!” Bobcat said. “The woman!”

Snake kept his eyes closed. “Patience.”
Lamont and Miss Bonnie’s lips met, their tongues twirled together. But as the vampire reached a hand into the redhead’s blouse, her hand was reaching for something else.

The knife.

She seized it and with a swift motion, sliced open Lamont’s throat. Black blood rained out of it and onto her face.

The vampire stumbled back as Miss Bonnie stood up and pointed the knife at him.

Lamont reached for his throat, which was already beginning to heal. By the look on his face, he was clearly perplexed.

“A trick doesn’t work on someone that knows it’s coming, asshole!” Miss Bonnie said as she poked the air with her new blade, putting the vampire on the defensive.

Bobcat registered his disbelief. “What the…”

“Spirits,” Snake said.

“Spirits my ass,” Bobcat said. “That is one crazy white bitch.”

Lamont charged at Miss Bonnie. Together, they crashed into the table, smashing it to pieces. The knife was lost in the scuffle, leaving Miss Bonnie defenseless.

The vampire stood and grabbed Miss Bonnie’s feet. He started to drag her away. In vain, Miss Bonnie dug her nails into the dirt, as if that would somehow make her immobile.

Luckily, she grabbed a broken table leg just in time.

Lamont’s fangs popped out. He raised his right arm up ready to strike only to recoil in pain as Miss Bonnie plunged the table leg into his heart.

Shocked, the vampire looked at his impaled chest, then at Miss Bonnie, then back to his chest. He did this a few more times before finally voicing his confusion.

“But…but…youse a girl!”

The vampire’s eyes bugged out of his head, his veins pulsed, his skin turned purple and then like an overfilled balloon, his body exploded, sending black blood, bile, guts and parts everywhere.

Miss Bonnie wiped the blood out of her eyes. She was drenched.

“And don’t you forget it, motherfucker!”

“I…I am impressed,” Bobcat said.

Snake’s eyes opened. “Spirits. Am I right?”

“Fucking men,” Miss Bonnie said. “Always thinking with their peckers.”

The doors bursted open again. Miles entered in werewolf form, with Slade and Sarah on his back.

“Bonnie!” Slade shouted. “I’m here to rescue you!”

Slade hopped off of Miles’ back, allowing Sarah to rest on the werewolf as if he were a big furry couch. He looked around at the blood soaked room, then at Bonnie. He instantly realized how stupid his words were.

Miss Bonnie picked up the knife then walked over to Snake. She started sawing away at the rope that was holding the shaman captive.

“Fucking men,” she repeated.

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Movie Review: Independence Day: Resurgence

From the far reaches of space, aliens travel to Earth…

to remind me that I am now old as f%&kT and have accomplished very little in 20 years.

Although in my defense, neither has the world! So there’s that.

SPOILERS abound.

BQB here with a review of Independence Day: Resurgence.

The year was 1996.

Bill Clinton was in the White House, chasing interns around the Oval Office with his pants around his ankles and turning Monica Lewinsky into a human humidor (Google it, millennials. It’s too disgusting to go into further detail.)

The Beastie Boys were laying down some of their ill-est shit.

The sentence “Bill Cosby gave that lady his pudding pop” could only have been construed as “that nice comedic father figure was kind enough to give a woman the delicious frozen snack treat that he endorses.”

The Internet was in its infancy.  It was a cute toy but other than that no one saw a glaring need to pay a fee to tie up your phone line while your computer screeched at you.

People who took pictures of their lunch and then demanded that you a) look at the pictures of their lunch and b) make comments about their lunch were considered assholes.

Technically, those people didn’t even exist, or if they did, not in high numbers. Again, the Internet was in its infancy.  If you wanted your own website you needed coding knowledge and technical know-how.  It was just too much work to post pictures of your lunch.

And at the box office was a movie called Independence Day.

Yes, in a pure marketing move, it was released on July 4th. Independence Day.

Those aliens know how to screw up a barbecue.

In the original, aliens invade Earth.  In a far flung story line, various groups and people react to the alien attack.

To the best of my recollection, you had Bill Pullman as the president, who was also a fighter pilot, for no other reason really than he got to make inspiring speeches and then fly around in a fighter jet and shoot at alien spaceships.

Oh and there was Randy Quaid as a guy who appeared to be a drunk jackass who was crazy for believing he’d been abducted by aliens as a kid only to be vindicated.  Humorous. Also, he was, coincidentally, a pilot as well so he too enjoyed the alien shooting fun.

Of course, the big star was Will Smith as Capt. Hiller, the pilot/hero who saves the day.

(SPOILER ALERT – he and Jeff Goldblum fly a stolen alien fighter craft into the mothership, fooling the aliens just long enough for them to upload a virus with the help of a 90’s era Mac and a floppy disk.)

Seemed ingenious at the time.

Twenty years have now passed.

Holy f%&king butt nuggets.  Twenty years.

3.5 readers, here’s my first criticism of this highly unnecessary sequel.

It made me think too much about my life – how quickly the past two decades went by. Mistakes made. Things I could have done differently.

How is it possible that I went from a wide-eyed young lad thinking this new fangled CGI movie was pretty cool (CGI effects were fairly new to the movie scene in those days so as a movie goer, they were a treat. I feel bad for you millennials as you have nothing to look forward to now, unless virtual reality actually ends up being as big as they claim it will be).

Where was I? Ah yes. How did I go from that young kid wowed by CGI to a jaded adult who has now seen so much CGI that it just doesn’t have them same wow factor that it did when it was new?

Shit. Then there’s me in general. Twenty years ago I thought by now I’d be a really amazing, fabulous person.

Had you told me back then that in 20 years my greatest achievement would be starting a blog with 3.5 readers my response would be a) “What’s a blog?” and then b) “Oh, it’s a website that any asshole with $10 and rudimentary typing skills can start? Excuse me while I GO STICK MY HEAD IN THE MOVIE THEATER RESTROOM TOILET AND FLUSH IT UNTIL I DROWN TO SPARE MYSELF THIS INCREDIBLY DISAPPOINTING FUTURE!!!”

Nah. I wouldn’t have done that. I’d have just vowed that I’d work harder and make a difference. You millennials weren’t the first generation to view yourselves as special snowflakes.

At any rate, I spent most of this movie paying little attention to the action on screen. Instead, I went over the multitude of mistakes I made, opportunities missed, warning signs avoided, paths not taken and so on that led me to a point where the highlight of my day is writing a review of a highly unnecessary sequel to a movie that was dumb twenty years ago.

Even worse, so little has changed in the world since then when you think about it:

  • A Bush had recently been president before Clinton became president.
  • Since then, another Bush became president. Then a third Bush recently tried to become president. Also, another Clinton wants to be president. At least if the Clintons end up back in the White House, the interns will have a head start this time. Bill isn’t looking as spry as he used to be.
  • Trump’s hair defied gravity and laws of physics, back in the 1990s and today.
  • Cars don’t fly yet. We have yet to meet real space aliens. Oh, and the Simpsons are still on the air.

And yet, despite all of these similarities, there were some differences between then and now that made the original film more enjoyable…then.

Specifically:

  • I was young and more willing to suspend disbelief. (Bill Pullman as a President/Alien Fighter seemed perfectly plausible.)
  • Seeing landmarks getting blown up by aliens seemed like harmless fantasy drivel back in the day.  As I recall, the aliens in the original film blow up the White House so as to illustrate to you, the viewer that they were evil ass aliens who meant business and were not to be f%&ked with.  Since 9/11, such scenes just seems to hit too close to home.
  • And like I said before, CGI was in its early stages, so it was awesome to see. Then George Lucas came along and made those cartoonish Star Wars prequels.

OK. Shit. 1,000 words in, let’s talk about the sequel itself.

It’s twenty years later and the world has become a Utopia. A casino magnate with gravity defying hair and the lady who ran the country in the 90’s by shoving her hand up her husband’s ass and working his mouth like a puppet (oh come on, you know she did) aren’t vying for control of the Free World.

Rather, the entire world is free and humanity works together as humans have set aside their differences in order to keep a watchful eye out for future alien invasions.

Alien tech has been used to create all sorts of wonderful inventions that improve life and make people happy.

And then, you know, aliens invade again. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, some people do some shit over here, some other people do some shit over there, cut in some scenes of shit getting blown up around the world, and so on.

There are new cast members like Liam Hemsworth, but mostly the film consists of the actors from the original who never did anything better than this bullshit.

Thus, Jeff Goldblum is back, as is Judd Hirsch as his father.  Bill Pullman is back though I wish he wasn’t because I feel like it was just yesterday that I saw him in Spaceballs as Lone Star and now he’s old as f%&k.

And in general, that’s my main complaint.  Will Smith didn’t return, I assume, because the studio didn’t want to shell out the cash now that he’s a big box office draw (you might remember the original Independence Day plus Men in Black made Will a celebrity icon.)

So Will is nowhere to be found.  But everyone without anything better to do is back, and they are all old as shit, which makes me feel old as shit.

I literally think this movie was made for the sole purpose of making me feel old as shit.

HOLLYWOOD SUIT 1 – Should we make a sequel to Independence Day?

HOLLYWOOD SUIT 2 – Yes! It will make BQB feel old as shit!

There are many references to the original, shit that you probably wouldn’t get unless you saw the first one (and also if you’re a nerd like me who has seen it a few more times over the years so you remember what happened.)

The aliens are still slapping Bill Pullman’s face up against the glass and speaking through him as if he’s their puppet (I assume they got the idea by watching Hillary work Bill).

Jeff and Judd are still the unlikely father/son hero duo, except Judd’s still alive which is surprising as I thought he was old as shit twenty years ago.

Eat your Wheaties kids and you too can aspire to Judd Hirsch’s longevity!

Robert Loggia has a quick cameo though I think it might have been a CGI Loggia.  Someone tell me if you have the details on that one.

Oh and Brent Spiner (aka Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation) is back as the eccentric Dr. Brakish Okun.

The plot is basically the same bullshit about aliens invading and their invasion happens to be coincidentally timed on Independence Day so Americans can feel very patriotic while watching a movie about Americans defeating aliens on the same day that the British were told to go pound sand.

Although, I have to point out, some Hollywood suit must have decided this sequel didn’t have the gusto to put butts in seats on the Fourth of July, seeing as how it was released in June.

You’ll know this franchise has hit the wall when they release an Independence Day sequel that hits theaters in January.

Oh and FYI – there will be another sequel.  It will also be unnecessary and serve as little more than a reminder that 20 years have passed, your life sucks more than you thought it would and the world doesn’t even have flying cars.

Shit. Stop remaking 90s shit, Hollywood.

Next you’ll tell me there’s a Mallrats TV show in the works.

Wait? What?

STATUS: Semi-shelf worthy. The effects are worth a trip to the theater. Otherwise, if you miss it, you didn’t miss much.

 

 

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Meh

I’m going through a phase where I’m wondering whether or not blogging, Twittering, Facebooking et al is little more than narcissistic d-baggery.

Fear not. It will pass.

And don’t forget to follow me on Twitter and Facebook.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – What TV shows are you watching?

Game of Thrones and Orange is the New Black presently for this nerd.

What shows are you watching?

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Daily Discussion With BQB – Rate My Attack Dog

Good morning 3.5 Readers.

As regular readers, you’re aware that Bookshelf Q. Battledog holds the esteemed position of Security Chief of Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters.

That’s right. All enemies of BQB HQ must go through this furry protector:

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QUESTION: Do you think BQBD is sufficiently scary? If you were an enemy of BQBHQ, would you cower in terror upon seeing him or punt him like a football and then engage in a hostile takeover of the Bookshelf Battle Blog as the evil Yeti did a couple years ago?

You wouldn’t know it to look at him, but he has actually devoured 7,345 intruders alive. He also knows karate, ninjutsu, kung-fu and tae kwon do.

But I don’t know. There’s just something about him that makes me worry he may not be sufficiently intimidating.

And when you run a blog dedicated to putting more awesomeness in the world, I really need a fearsome beast that will protect me from all who would seek to stop the awesome.

I can’t figure it out. Maybe he needs to work out more. Hit the gym a little.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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I am on strike

I refuse to entertain this audience again until it doubles in size to 7 readers.

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Follow BQB on Twitter

Hey Geekensteins,

I got nothing, other than a reminder for you to follow this nerd on twitter:

@bookshelfbattle

Thanks nerds!

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