Author Archives: bookshelfbattle

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 24

This scene needs a lot of work.

At the time, I wasn’t exactly sure what Joe’s relationship to Blythe was, I just knew I wanted Joe to serve as the character who gets info of what zombies vampires and werewolves are to Slade and Co. (although as it turns out later, Miles takes that role on).

I’m thinking maybe Joe has known of Blythe’s invasion plans for years, having worked for him only to grow a conscience, and well, he has reason to hate Blythe as we’ll see soon.

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From the moment Blythe walked into the courtroom, Joe felt the beast surge within him. Under his shirt, he felt his chest hair grow. His fingernails started to jut out. But he took a deep breath and held his alternate form at bay.

He and Blythe had met before. Joe positioned himself outside the door and grabbed the counselor’s arm as he walked out into the hallway.

Hewett and Becker drew their weapons instantly. Joe released his grip.

“Joseph!” Blythe said. “So lovely to see you again.”

“We have unfinished business.”

“Do we?” Blythe asked. “My, my. You never learned your lesson, did you?”

Blythe patted his hand against Joe’s cheek. “So much sorrow written all over your face. Such a pathetic inability to let trivial matters go. How dreadfully unkind time has been to you.”

“I will end you,” Joe said. “The biggest mistake you ever made was not…

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 23

Enter Henry Alan Blythe.

I picture him as a pretty-ish kind of handsome. Like there’s manly handsome and pretty handsome. John Snow on Game of Thrones, for example, is “pretty” handsome. Or Johnny Depp.

He’s got a Southern drawl…I don’t want to go full Foghorn Leghorn but you know, he’s got the “I’m just a simple country lawyer” thing going on.

I worried about him at first because we already have one educated know-it-all who likes to talk and uses big words – i.e. Doc.

However, as I thought about it – Doc has no clue what he’s doing. Doc deceives people on the basis that he believes he’s not deceiving at all. He’s basically a patsy.

Blythe knows exactly what he’s doing, what he wants, what he needs to say to get it.

He shows the judge a blank piece of paper but with his eye trick convinces him it is a pardon for the Buchanan Boys.

My hope is vampire fans will pick up that’s a glamour – vampire hypnosis.

He says something – the recipient more or less says it back but says it in a way so as to show he believes it is his idea. Reminiscent of “these aren’t the droids you’re looking for” from Star Wars i.e. the Jedi mind trick.

I worry this might be a plot hole that needs shoring up.

Why the hell is he bothering to save the Buchanan Boys if he’s just going to kill them the next night anyway?

The best argument I’ve come up with: they would have gone from the trial to the gallows immediately, been hung and turned into zombies (because they were fans of Doc’s special medicine) and then the townsfolk would be clued in on his plot to transport zombies across the river before his zombie transport train arrives.

Maybe he can explain that a little better. Maybe Hewitt and Becker can ask him about it.

Meanwhile, as henchmen go, I think Hewitt and Becker are great. They don’t really back-sass or disobey, they don’t get a lot in the way of character development – i.e. we don’t learn much about them personally, but as we’ll see in upcoming scenes, they’re scary.

because they had been sucking down Doc’s medicine,

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Judge Sampson was not a man to be trifled with.

“The Legion Corporation? This case has nothing to do with your company!”

Blythe had a prominent Southern accent.  So flamboyant was his drawl that it was almost as if he spent a lot of time working on it. The only thing he was missing was the mint julep.

“Your honor, may it please the court…”

“It does not please the court!” the Judge shouted. “The court is very displeased!”

The doors opened again and two men entered.

“Now who are these two peckerwoods?” the Judge so astutely inquired.

“Apologies,” Blythe said. “Where are my manners?”

The counselor pointed to his left, toward a man with a high widow’s peak, a square jaw and a stern face.

“This is Mr. Dalton Hewett.”

Blythe shifted his attention to his right, toward a man with short brown hair and a handlebar mustache.  This…

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How the West Was ZOMBED – Chapter 22

I loved the trial scene.

It got a little zany…almost Family Guy-ish in nature.

Smelly Jack was funny as he makes his defense.

And Judge Sampson – I wanted to really build it up that the Buchanan Boys were hated and despised across the country and now that they’d been caught, he was going to hang him high, thus making it a surprise that they avoid the gallows.

The villain of the story, Henry Alan Blythe, makes his first appearance. I’d like to work on that a little more, though he gets more of an intro in the next chapter.

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The courtroom buzzed as the Right Honorable Mortdecai Sampson took his seat. Bald with the exception of the white hair that grew out of his ears like unruly haystacks. Ugly teeth. A perpetually angry face. And a pair of wire rimmed spectacles he was always using to look down over his crooked nose at people with.

The Judge slammed his gavel down with enough force to crack a walnut. “ORDER!”

Everyone went silent. Smelly Jack sat at a small table, to which he was chained. His brother-cousins took up most of the seats. Slade and Gunther stood watch toward the front of the room. Joe and Knox were on either side. As usual, the younger Knoxes were in the back.

“Smelly Jack Buchanan…”

“HANDSOME JACK!”

Sampson pointed his gavel at the defendant. “SHUT UP! Smelly Jack Buchanan, you and your inbred family stand accused of committing a litany of heinous…

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How the West Was ZOMBED – Chapter 21

In wrestling, they have wrestlers called “heels.” Total jerks you love to hate.

That’s Smelly Jack.

I feel like this chapter builds up in the reader a sense of “Ugh I hope something bad happens to him.”

Also, in a previous chapter I have Bonnie stop short of using the C word and here, Jack stops short (thanks to Gunther) using the N-word.

It was my attempt of working swears in without really saying them, but as I continued, I realized they were inevitable as things heat up.

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A full week had passed since the capture of Smelly Jack and his villainous brood.  Rifle in hand, Slade led the processional. The town’s nosey citizens poured out of their shops and homes to watch the chained up criminals march toward the courthouse.

Knox took the left flank.  Gunther and Joe took the right.  The young Knoxes brought up the rear.

Jack was performing for the crowd.  “What a crying shame that an innocent man and his kin get railroaded just for passin’ through town!”

An old lady pelt him in the head with a rotten tomato.  He laughed it off.

“You people aint much on hospitality, I’ll tell you that!”

Swears, insults, obscene gestures and all kinds of abuse were heaped on the Buchanan Boys.  Jack reveled in it.  He even broke out into song.

“Nobody knows…the trouble I seen!  Nobody knows…my sorrow!”

Jack eyeballed Joe.  “Hey boy!  BOY!…

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Two Year Anniversary Stats

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Gratuitous Bookshelf Q. Battledog Photo

 

In two years of bloggery, I have made 1,240 posts and received:

37,577 views

20,698 visitors

Is this good?  I don’t know.  If there’s some expert out there, please tell me.

The highest number of views I received in a day came on February 9, 2015.  I think that was largely because someone was nice enough to put something I wrote on Reddit.  I had just announced the one post a day for a year challenge too so I think that made people somewhat curious.

In general, if I get between 30-50 hits a day it is a pretty average day.  It is nice when there are more views than hits.  I feel like that means people like what they see and want to keep looking around.

This has definitely been a labor of love.  I truly wish this technology had existed when I was 20 and had the ability to stay up two days straight writing term papers cranked up on Red Bull (shit, come to think of it, that could explain a lot of my problems now.)

But it is here now and I like it because every day brings at least one new follower and I hope all of these little drops in the bucket lead to a nice full bucket some day.

(A nice full bucket of people who will buy the book I can’t seem to finish.  What?  Did I say that?  No.  I do it for the art.  Money schmoney.)

If you haven’t done so yet, please follow me on:

Twitter – @bookshelfbattle

Google Plus

Wattpad – @bookshelfbattle

And don’t forget to LIKE me on Facebook

Thank you, 3.5 readers.  Please keep it up and help a nerd’s dream come true.

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 62

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“BRAINS!!!”

The undead muttered that word over and over.  They stretched their arms out in front of them, trudging forward ever so slowly.

“Get behind me, my dear!” Doc said to Annabelle.  She didn’t waist any time stepping behind the good doctor as if he were a human shield.

“Could this be the end?” Doc asked.  “Doctor Elias T. Faraday of Boston, Massachusetts…”

“Oh Jesus,” Gunther said.  “Not that again.”

“…but no relation to the Chestnut Hill Faradays, those lousy pickpockets…cut down in his prime before he was able to make his mark on history?”

Blake, Townsend, and the Reverend joined Sarah in hiding under the pews.

The creature with the eyeball hanging out of its socket lunged at Gunther.  The old man braced himself.  That big disgusting mouth opened wide and…a knife was pushed through it.

The blade was drenched in blood but Gunther recognized it.  It was his.  It was pulled back.  The body fell to the floor, revealing Slade.

The ex-marshal made quick work of the other two creatures, stabbing each through the forehead, letting their bodies collapse in a heap.

Slade handed the knife to Gunther, handle first.  The old man took it, wiped off the blood and guts with a handkerchief, then returned it to the sheath on his belt.

“Blake,” Gunther said.

The group’s resident troublemaker popped his head up.  He sneered as soon as he saw Slade had returned.

“I hate to say I told you so,” Gunther said.

“Took him long enough!” Blake complained before ducking back under his pew.

Gunther looked out the window.  He was dismayed to see that Slade was alone.

“Miss Bonnie?” the old man asked.

Slade lowered his head, then shook it from side to side.

Gunther took off his hat and held it over his heart.  “Aw hell.”

Annabelle cried.

Slade found Sarah.  He helped her up and sat down with her.

“You’re not the marshal anymore,” Sarah said.

“I know,” Slade said.

“You can’t save everyone,” Sarah said.

“I know,” Slade repeated.

“Why would you risk your life for someone you hardly know?”  Sarah asked.

“I…”  Slade didn’t want to lie but didn’t think this would be the best time to come clean either.  “I don’t know.”

“So what now?”  Gunther asked.

“We should go,”  Slade said.

“I’ve been saying that all night!” Blake hollered from under his pew.

“Stow it,” Gunther said, and then to Slade, “Can you believe this shit?”

“No,” Slade said. “But there’s over a hundred of them out there.  Pulling people out of their houses and eating them alive.”

“Mother of God,” Gunther said.  The old man pulled out his knife and stood watch by the window, ready to strike any more attackers.

Slade left Sarah with Annabelle and joined his ex-deputy.

“What do you think?”  Slade asked.

“I don’t know,” Gunther said.  “The Injuns?”

“What?” Slade scoffed.  “The curse?  That was just mumbo jumbo, wasn’t it?”

“Maybe,” Gunther said.  “But I’ve heard tales of Injuns having mysterious powers.”

Slade winced and rubbed his head.  “The telegram.”

“What?”  Gunther asked.

“Uxley,” Slade said.  “The marshal from Colorado.  This was what he was trying to warn everyone about.”

“Shit,”  Gunther said.

“And those soldiers,” Slade continued.  “They shot a man in the head after he died.  They knew to do that…”

Gunther finished Slade’s sentence for him.  “…because they’d seen the dead rise up before.”

The two men kept staring out the window.

“The government lied to us,” Slade said.

“Nothing new there,” Gunther replied.

“Why would they tell us to stay put when they knew this was happening all over the country?”  Slade asked.

“To save their oily hides without causing an eastward exodus,” Gunther said.

“You wanted to go,”  Slade said.  “I should have listened to you.”

“You should have,” Gunther said.  “But don’t second guess yourself now, son.  Who could have predicted this shit?”

“I still can’t believe it,” Slade said.

“Me neither,” Gunther replied.  “And I’ve been alive so long I thought I’d seen everything there is to see twice.”

A floorboard creaked behind the duo.  Unbeknownst to Gunther and Slade, Blake had found enough courage to come out from under his pew.  He’d been standing behind them and listening in on their conversation for awhile.

“YOU KNEW?”

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How the West Was Zombed – The Plot

I have to admit – I wasn’t entirely sure of the plot in the beginning and looking back, it shows.

After thinking of various plots, the one I went with:

  • Henry Alan Blythe is lead counsel for the Legion Corporation, secretly run by a board of dastardly vampires.
  • Zombies can be created when a person a) drinks vampire blood and then b)dies.  The vampire who supplied the blood can control the zombies (Blythe, here.  Also, when he doesn’t control them, they’re just free range zombies who trudge around and bite at will)
  • Doc Farraday has unwittingly sold an elixir that contains, among other things, vampire’s blood across the West.
  • From Colorado onward, zombies have destroyed everything, and werwolves (allies to vampires) are herding them East…
  • …to get on a train so they can be transported across the Mississippi and unloaded in the East, so they can cut a line of destruction and mayhem all the way to Washington, D.C.
  • Slade, who never backs down and his deputy, Gunther, who makes a strong case for backing down, must stop this from happening…
  • …and they’ll find out about it when the Buchanan Boys, fans of Doc’s elixir, get shot in a duel and become zombies
  • And when Miss Bonnie’s saloon is blown up, creating more zombies.
  • Blythe is an adept mastermind and the board should really sit back and enjoy his work.
  • But Slade is resistant to glamour (vampire hypnosis).  Vampires can look into most humans’ eyes, find out what they want and deliver a mental promise they’ll have it if they just do whatever the vampire wants them to do.  But Slade has such little belief in “hope” that he can’t be exploited that way.
  • Thus, the board thinks Slade has darkness in him and could be turned into an ally.
  • Which is basically my way of explaining why Blythe doesn’t just shoot Gunther and Slade in the back of their heads and then take a nap 20 minutes into the story to begin with.  He does want to, but he’s a good employee.
  • A boy werewolf, who recently learned how to be a werewolf so he isn’t very good at it, will teach Slade and co all about vampires, werwolves, and zombies.
  • SPOILER ALERT – Blythe has evil shenanigans planned vis a vis Slade’s two women, something evil in an attempt to make Slade so upset and angry he turns evil.
  • SPOILER ALERT – And he has to stop the zombie train.  While riding on Miles the Amateur Werewolf’s back as his furry steed so I can put it on the book cover.
  • SPOILER ALERT  – The West ends up “zombed” or full of zombie, thus giving me the chance to write more ridiculous sequels and maybe sell enough copies to treat myself to a night out at Applebees.

QUESTION – This is pretty much the dumbest thing ever written, right?  Is any of this coming across to you as you read?

Should I just give up? 

 

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 20

Joe and Miles really know what the telegrams are about. Explanation as to why they don’t tell anyone, because who would believe them?

I believe I will change this to Joe knowing an organized zombie invasion is on the way, perhaps it is something Blythe has long planned and he knew about from his days as a henchman

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Midnight.  The criminals snored and shifted in their seats.  Smelly Jack was having a difficult time drifting off seeing as how he was chained to two of his brother-cousins.  Slade and Gunther were outside on the porch.  The oldest Knox was fast asleep.  The two younger Knoxes were locked in a heated debate about whether or not Jesse James was an outlaw or a hero.

Joe walked to the pulpit, which Miles was using as a desk to draw his latest masterpiece.

“Are we leaving?” the boy asked.

Joe answered his son’s question with a question. “I’m that obvious?”

“I can smell your fear,” Miles replied without looking up.  This time he was working on a pirate ship, complete with sails, masts, cannons, and little pirates on deck.

“You don’t smell so brave either,” Joe said.  “I don’t know anyone who could at a time like this.”

“Should we go now…

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 19

Resolving the telegram issue…and Slade learns too late that Bonnie wanted him after all.

It’s like that Chris Rock routine about how no women want him when he’s single but when he’s with a woman, every woman is after him.

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Back at the church, Slade walked in on a gentleman’s game of pinochle.  No money was at stake. It was just a means of passing the time.

“One of you suckers is cheating,” Knox declared.

“You say that every time,” Gunther replied.

“That’s because there’s always a sucker who’s cheating,” Knox said.

Joe smirked and studied his hand.

The younger Knoxes weren’t playing.  They were more interested in the magnificent hawk Miles was sketching with a pencil on a piece of paper he scrounged up.

“Looks so real,” George said. “Who taught you how to do that?”

“My Mama,” Miles said.

Slade took a load off.  Gunther slid the blueberry muffin tin across the table.

“A gift from Miss Bonnie.  I had to rescue them out of the dirt after she discarded them upon the sight of you canoodling with your new paramour.”

Only one muffin left.  Slade, a frequent…

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