…that February only has 28 days because all those months with 31 days are too selfish to share.
Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
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When the F#%K Should Your Characters Swear?
Thanks all for commenting. I’ve been meaning to get back to you, but I am currently embroiled in a legal dispute with a Yeti that is taking up all of my time. In the meantime, I thought I’d bump this up in case anyone f%$&ing missed it.
Time to bring out Ann and John again. In case you missed their previous antics:
Ann and John on Characters with Accents
Ann and John vs. Robostrangler
And now, our latest installment – Ann and John and the Search for More F$*ing money.
I have mixed thoughts on those pesky swear words. On the one hand, we are adults. If your characters are adults living in an adult world, they might swear once in awhile. Case in point:
“I’ve had enough of your goddamn cheating, John!” Ann said as she drew her gun and pointed it at him.
“Ann! No! What the f$%k are you doing?!” John asked.
“What I should have done a long time ago, you son of a bitch!”
Ann fired. The bullet ripped through John’s flesh.
“Owww!” John screamed. “My f$&king arm!!!”
I don’t like gratuitous swearing. I like to use…
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Movie Review – Boyhood (2014)
Boyhood. There’s 12 years of SPOILERS ahead.
How to describe? I’m not even sure where to begin.
At the outset, when you go into it, you need to set aside traditional movie questions you’d normally ask to gauge a film’s overall effectiveness. “Was I entertained? Was I in suspense? Was I left hanging on the edge of my seat?” It’s more of an educational experience than a traditional plot based film so the typical questions don’t apply.
Growing up is painful, difficult, and has its series of ups and downs that few of us, if any, are spared from. The film begins in the early 2000’s and follows a family for 12 years. This unique idea leaves the viewer to watch the child actors grow up on screen before our very eyes. They start out as little kids and end up fully grown adult college students. And film crews shoot all of the bittersweet moments along the way.
Cultural references are crowbarred in all over the place. Music, movies, politics all serve as cues to let the viewer know how much time has passed. From the cheap clunky apple little Mason uses in the school library to the sleek apple he uses in high school, from little Sam singing Britney Spears in the beginning to Obama’s campaign, there’s a definite effort to make sure you, the viewer, are aware that time is moving on.
Director Richard Linklater took on an insurmountable task with this project. It’s hard enough to keep a normal production on track, let alone one that requires the same cast to return every once in awhile over the course of twelve years. Thus, it surprised me that he didn’t walk away with the Oscar for best director, even just for the courage to throw himself into the world of an unusual, time consuming project that from the start was destined to not become a big box office draw.
The film begins in the early 2000’s. Mason Jr. (Ellar Coltrane) and his sister, Samantha (Lorelei Linklater, thus the director could guarantee from the start that at least one cast member was going to return over the course of twelve years) are little kids living with single mom, Olivia, played by Patricia Arquette. Their biological father, Mason Sr. (Ethan Hawke) is the stereotypical screw-up, driving around in a sports car, having just returned after abandoning the family, and is now making an effort to be a part of the kids’ lives.
Throughout the film, Olivia tries to improve herself. She goes back to school. She marries a professor who seems great on the surface, but as it turns out, is an abusive alcoholic. When his rage fits go out of control, Olivia packs up Mason and Sam and leaves, and the kids are sad as they’d grown attached to their step-siblings, the professor’s kids.
Time moves on. Olivia becomes a professor herself. The kids aren’t the only ones who grow up before our eyes. The adults do as well. Olivia marries a student, a man who at first, appears to be a very charming war veteran, but, and perhaps in a bit too much of a cliched manner, becomes one more angry drunk that Olivia has to dump. Honestly, how many jerks must this woman suffer through?
Sometimes we look at kids, we see them with their video games and cartoons and we think they must be happy, but as the film shows, they suffer from a lot of sadness and angst. As a society, we should be aware of that. Kids in divorced families especially have it tough. Over the course of twelve years, Mason and Sam live with their mom, see their father every other weekend, suffer through two abusive drunk stepdads and overall just live confused lives where it looks like stability is never going to be an option for them.
We see Mason, a little boy, going from the typical, silly kid who crushes his homework in his backpack and forgets to give it to his teacher, to become a young man with a dream of becoming a photographer. We watch all of his milestones, from dressing up as a boy wizard to attend a Harry Potter premiere all the way to his graduation.
We are even spectators as Mason goes through his first breakup, something that happens to all of us. If it’s never happened to you, you’re one lucky individual. We’re even left with some hope as Mason meets a new girl with similar interests, the point being that Mason has learned not to seek out just any old girl but to find one who likes him for who he is.
I do have a complaint. Throughout the film, I feel like we’re asked to cheer on Olivia as she stands up for herself time and time again against a series of lousy men. At the start of the film, Hawke’s character, Mason Sr., is painted out as the typical “I refuse to grow up” family abandoning loser. By the end of the film, he has, in a very noble manner, taken the sadness he feels about losing his family and channels it to become Mr. Super Reliable, a great husband to his second wife, and wise, all-knowing Super Dad to Mason Jr, Sam, and the newborn he has with his second wife.
That’s very admirable. People shouldn’t be punished forever for their mistakes. If, like Mason Sr., they turn their lives around, they should be rewarded. But where’s Olivia’s reward? For a brief moment, we’re hoodwinked into thinking maybe her reward is found in the soldier she marries but out of the blue he’s turned into an abusive drunk. Didn’t we already have an abusive drunk in the form of the professor? Did we need a second one?
Getting back to my complaint – at the end of the movie, Olivia is left a sad old woman in a small apartment. Mason Jr. and Sam are off at college having the time of their lives. Mason Sr. has become the Dad we all wish we had. Olivia, the most responsible person in the entire movie, is the only one left without a reward. That just seems unfair to me.
At the end, there’s an implication that she regrets not sticking with Mason Sr (Hawke). Maybe she was too hard on him when he was young. Maybe she spent too much time chasing perfection. She went for the college professor and the war veteran, two men who were adept at holding themselves out to the world as perfect, but on the inside, had their own demons.
We’re left to think “if only Olivia had been more patient with Mason Sr.” No, he wasn’t perfect, but given time, he’d of morphed from the caterpillar he was to the butterfly Olivia was looking for all along. Are we all guilty of that? Probably. We should all try to be a little more patient with our significant others because ultimately, the grass isn’t always greener. The perfect person you’re searching for isn’t out there. No one is perfect.
That may be all well and good but the Mason Sr. we’re shown at the start of the film? We can’t begrudge young Olivia for turning a cold shoulder to him. So I’m not sure why Olivia doesn’t end up with some kind of reward at the end for all her struggles.
Like this review, the movie goes on a bit too long, though it is understandable. They had a lot of footage taken over a twelve year period and wanted to use it.
Is it worth your time? Yes, but just remember, it’s more of an educational experience than an entertaining one. If that’s not something you’re looking for, you might want to pass it up.
Michael Keaton Robbed
Boo. Boo. Boo, I say. Boo.
Look, I never saw The Theory of Everything. I’m sure its great. I’m sure Eddie Redmayne did a great job.
But come on. He’s young. He has like 50 years to get one. Michael Keaton’s been around for so long and snubbed for so long. It was really his turn.
Maybe it’s wrong to think like that. The award should just go to whoever did the best job, but it’s too bad. I just think Keaton is awesome and I thought it was going to be his night.
Oh well. I suppose he had a win in that the movie sort of semi-based on his career took home best picture.
Still, I feel like this results in either Keaton never gets an Oscar, or they pull a Jack Palance/City Slickers move and give it to Keaton when he’s 70 and appears in some random role in a goofball comedy.
When the F#%K Should Your Characters Swear?
Time to bring out Ann and John again. In case you missed their previous antics:
Ann and John on Characters with Accents
Ann and John vs. Robostrangler
And now, our latest installment – Ann and John and the Search for More F$*ing money.
I have mixed thoughts on those pesky swear words. On the one hand, we are adults. If your characters are adults living in an adult world, they might swear once in awhile. Case in point:
“I’ve had enough of your goddamn cheating, John!” Ann said as she drew her gun and pointed it at him.
“Ann! No! What the f$%k are you doing?!” John asked.
“What I should have done a long time ago, you son of a bitch!”
Ann fired. The bullet ripped through John’s flesh.
“Owww!” John screamed. “My f$&king arm!!!”
I don’t like gratuitous swearing. I like to use it sparingly, avoiding it if at all possible. Whether it is for humorous or dramatic effect, I only like to use it when the situation absolutely calls for it.
It’s not that I’m some kind of prissy teetotaler. I don’t clutch my pearls, pop my monocle, and shout, “Oh I declare, I positively have the vapors!” whenever I hear naughty language.
Unless it is somehow central to the plot, or somehow works well with the story, I just fear that too many swears will alienate a reader.
The problem? Just as it is possible to overuse swears, it is possible to underuse them:
“I’ve had enough of your gosh darn cheating, John!” Ann said as she drew her gun and pointed it at him.
“Ann! No! What the fiddlesticks are you doing?!” John asked.
“What I should have done a long time ago, you son of a female dog!”
Ann fired. The bullet ripped through John’s flesh.
“Owww!” John screamed. “My fudging arm!!!”
I suppose it is possible to split the difference. After all, if you’re going through a frightening experience, like say, getting shot, you would probably swear, but then again, you might be in such shock, you might forget to:
“I’ve had enough of your cheating, John!” Ann said as she drew her gun and pointed it at him.
“Ann! No! What are you doing?!” John asked.
“What I should have done a long time ago!”
Ann fired. The bullet ripped through John’s flesh.
“Owww!” John screamed. “My arm!!!”
Well, let me get to the whole point of why I seek your input. As previously discussed, I’m working on a sci-fi novel. It takes place in a gritty world, where life isn’t easy for my characters, and bad things happen.
It has aliens, robots, spaceships, monsters – or in other words, the odds are younger people will like it more than older folks. Although, maybe not. I feel like I’ll still love Sci-Fi when I’m eighty years old. The more sci-fi was around when you were a kid, the more you’ll like it as an adult.
As an author, I find swear words to be particularly vexing. Don’t use a swear and you might be selling out, overuse swears and you’ll push potential readers away. And the second you drop a swear word into your book you move from something that can be enjoyed by all to something that can only be enjoyed by few.
Well readers, what the f%&k do you think?
Movie Review – Birdman (Or, The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) 2014
Boosting this up since the Oscars are tonight. Who do you think will take home a statue?
Or, Hollywood is Sorry for Pushing Crap on You, But It’s Kind of Your Fault.
In 1989, Michael Keaton starred as the first Batman to not suck. That role made his career. I’d argue that it didn’t really define him though. He’s been in zany comedies and serious dramas, performing expertly in both.
Yet, as a former Batman who’s ditched the cowl to seek out more serious roles, one is left to wonder how much of Birdman is semi-autobiographical. Does Keaton identify with Riggan? Only Keaton could truly answer that.
Keaton plays Riggan Thomson, a big time actor who, twenty years ago, played a feathery comic book super hero in a series of Birdman films. They were special effects extravaganzas that made him a lot of money and were big at the box office.
Movieclips Trailers
Today, Riggan is trying to leave his past behind him and gain recognition as…
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A Response from the Yeti
EDITOR’S NOTE: This morning I, as I sipped my coffee at Bookshelf Battle HQ, I discovered, much to my great surprise, the following note scrawled in poor penmanship taped to my front door. I cleaned it up a little, removed the many, many obscenities, and typed it out. Personally, I do not believe the Yeti deserves a response, but I suppose that in the name of fairness, I must allow him one.
Here is my recent post about my encounter with the Yeti.
And now, the Yeti’s response:
MY RESPONSE TO BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER’S OUTRAGEOUS, LIBELOUS STATEMENTS
By: The Yeti
Hello. This is the Yeti. And boy do I have a bee in my bonnet to share with you people.
Did I break into Bookshelf Battle Headquarters? Yes. Did I make my way into Bookshelf Q. Battler’s personal office space? Yes.
Did I have a right to be there? No. Did Bookshelf Q. Battler have the right to subdue me with brute force? Yes.
But let’s be honest about how it all went down.
Bookshelf Q. Battler is trying to present this tough guy image, paint himself as the only book blogger who fights monsters with his left hand while holding the book he’s reading in his right. Ridiculous.
The truth that his 3.5 regular readers need to hear is that Bookshelf Q. Battler is no tough guy at all. Before I broke into his compound, I spent many hours observing him through his living room window. That’s not weird because I was on a mission.
What did I observe? I observed one Bookshelf Q. Battler in a bathrobe, a makeshift bath towel turban on his head, cold cream on his face, sipping a strawberry daiquiri while watching Steel Magnolias. In fact, I observed on his coffee table a pile of DVDs, the titles of which included Beaches, Thelma and Louise, and Fried Green Tomatoes. It was a veritable treasure trove of 90’s era female empowerment flicks. And he calls himself a tough guy.
You want to know who the real tough guy is? Me. The Yeti. That’s who. You see, I have used my special yeti powers to forsake most of America with blistering cold temperatures just so I can walk around your Godforsaken land and hunt Bookshelf Q. Battler with impunity. Yetis, as you may or may not be aware, need blistering cold temperatures to survive. That’s just science.
Why am I after Bookshelf Q. Battler, you ask? Long story short, I’m a Russian Yeti. I’m not like my cousins, those high falutin,’ free-thinking Canadian yetis, or worse, those party all night, sleep all day Alaskan yetis.
I’m a yeti straight outta’ Siberia, son, and in Siberia, we have rules. We stand in line for three days just to get our weekly ration kit, which includes: one granola bar, half a cup of water, one stale biscuit, and three toilet paper squares. The Siberian powers that be have recently discussed the possibility of upping our allotment to four toilet paper squares, but if you ask me, that’s way too decadent. Four toilet paper squares today means we’re all a bunch of Western wannabes tomorrow. Four toilet paper squares will lead to us wearing cowboy hats, driving around in pink Cadillacs, and yelling, “Wazzzup?” at each other.
Is “Wazzzup?” still even a thing in your country? I don’t know. We are just now getting documentaries of your renowned scientist, Steven Urkel. I must say, his neighbors should be ashamed of the way they treated a man of such brilliance.
Anyway, this all started a few weeks ago. I was sitting in the Siberian yeti village, gathered in the hut I share with five hundred of my yeti relatives, all huddled around the one computer we collectively own. It is a 1986 Commodore 64, the absolute height of modern Western technology. You didn’t think we’d get our hands on one of your precious Commodore 64’s, did you, America? But we did. And now we play Topper with reckless abandon. All day long, we take turns controlling a mustached bartender as he whips one frothy beverage mug after another at his patrons.
Between games, we surf the net. We do this through a Wi-Fi generating device we have devised through a pile of rusty tin cans, the engine from a 1964 Yugo, one thousand AA batteries, and a bag of blueberry muffins. Do not ask me how it works. Your fat, stupid, lazy, reality TV show addled American brains could never possibly comprehend the basic principles of yeti science.
While searching for a book entitled, 101 Ways to Make Your Three Toilet Paper Squares Last Longer, we stumbled upon Bookshelf Q. Battler’s website, bookshelfbattle.com
We held a Siberian yeti meeting, the conclusion of which was that Bookshelf Q. Battler’s website is much too awesome, that if allowed to exist, it would spread awesomeness all over the globe. And the day that people are filled with ideas of awesomeness is the day that people and yetis alike start allowing their heads to be filled with ridiculous nonsense, like three toilet paper squares per week is not enough.
I, “The Yeti,” was elected by my yeti brothers and sisters to hunt Bookshelf Q. Battler down and stop his one post a day challenge. We simply cannot allow people to receive that much daily awesomeness for a year, even if those people number 3.5.
This brings us to the crux of my complaint. Did Bookshelf Q. Battler punch me in the face? Yes. However, he has left out crucial information and therefore, is guilty of a lie by omission. He’d have you think that he punched me in the face after an elaborate exchange of fisticuffs, when in reality, he zapped me in the back with a cattle prod, turned me around on the swivel chair I was sitting on, and then punched me in the face AFTER I was already unconscious.
Because I was already subdued, I believe that Bookshelf Q. Battler is guilty of “book blogger brutality.” My team of attorneys, who are also Siberian yetis, are currently exploring what options I may have to sue Bookshelf Q. Battler for the 3.5 dollars in his possession. This money will go a long way to alleviate my pain and suffering, not to mention make me the wealthiest yeti in all of Siberia. I will buy all of the toilet paper squares and rule the yeti village like a king.
Thank you, boorish and incompetent Americans, for taking the time to listen to my side of the story.
Sincerely,
The Yeti
EDITOR’S NOTE: Lesson learned. The next time I catch a yeti sitting in the swivel chair at my desk, trying to log on to my computer in an effort to shut down my blog, I will not take pity on him and leave his twitching carcass on the curb. I will use my taxidermy skills to stuff him and leave him on my front door as a warning to all yetis everywhere.
The bathrobe? True. The cold cream? True. The daiquiri? True. What, I’m not allowed to unwind after a long day of bookshelf battling?
The DVDs were not 90’s era female empowerment movies. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. The DVDs were 1990’s era action movies. I was engrossed in a Jean Claude Vann Damme marathon. It made me nostalgic for the days I spent teaching him everything he knows.
Did I electrocute the yeti in the back with a cattle prod before I punched him in the face? Yes. Was the yeti already unconscious? No. Everyone knows that cattle prods only slow yetis down, they do not subdue them. The shock mildly stunned the yeti, giving me the upper hand I needed to apply the coupe de grace of a clothesline smash to the yeti’s proverbial snot box. It wasn’t pretty. I didn’t want to do it. But I had no choice. A man’s bookshelf battle compound is his castle.
If you have a question for me, post it below. If you have a question for the Yeti, you may also post it and I will pose it to him. He has agreed to take your questions.
Thank you for taking the time to listen to both sides. I feel confident that my 3.5 regular readers will realize that I am a bastion of truth and honesty, whereas the Yeti is a dirty, dirty liar.
Oscar 2015 Predictions
OK so I have failed miserably in my self-challenge to watch all 2015 Oscar nominated films. I’m sorry to drop the petals off the daffodil folks, but occasionally this humble book blogger only reaches a 99.9% rate of perfection.
Thus far, I have only seen American Sniper, Birdman, and The Imitation Game (I still owe you a review). I have Boyhood loaded into my iTunes but have yet to get around to it.
So I’m a bit handicapped having not seen everything, which begs the question:
Bookshelf Q. Battler, are you really going to opine on things you know nothing about?
Um…yeah. I do that everyday. My original title for this blog was “Opinions on Stuff I Know Nothing About.” Writing opinions on stuff I know nothing about is my God given right as an American.
Without further ado, my predictions:
BEST FILM – Birdman
All the commentary out there suggests there is a horse race going on between Boyhood and Birdman. From what I’ve heard of Boyhood, it’s basically a “meh” sort of film and without the novel idea to shoot the young boy protagonist at different stages of his life, it probably wouldn’t have made it to the Oscars.
Meanwhile, Birdman has been winning many other awards and that’s a strong sign.
I’m going to flip a coin here and say Birdman. Birdman has a lot of messages that Hollywood wants you to hear, namely a) Stop complaining we feed you so much crap when you’re the ones who are eating it b) Stop complaining we don’t make enough artsy fartsy movies when you never watch them and c) being an actor isn’t all its cracked up to be
BEST ACTOR – Michael Keaton (Birdman)
I’ve got to go with Keaton. He’s been around for so long, he’s been in many amazing movies, and well, sad to say but, time keeps a-moving on whether we want it to or not, and he may not have many more chances to appear in Oscar buzz worthy work. Carrell, Cooper, Cumberbatch, Redmayne all turned in great performances, but they still have time and haven’t been around as long. It’s Keaton’s turn.
BEST ACTRESS – Julianne Moore (Still Alice)
I really, really want Rosamund Pike to win this for Gone Girl. SPOILER ALERT – in that movie, she plays the Amy whose safety you’re very concerned about when she goes missing as well as the Amy who…well, just go watch it.
But this is the year where Hollywood settles its debts and like Keaton, Moore is also overdue. That’s not a knock on Still Alice. I’m sure it’s great. She’s certainly been in a lot of other great films and is deserving.
ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE – JK Simmons (Whiplash)
The King of the Actors Long Overdue for Recognition. He’s that guy in every movie, you recognize his face as soon as you see it, but up until this nomination, you didn’t really know his name. He’s also the voice of the Yellow M and M.
ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE – Patricia Arquette (Boyhood)
When it comes to “long overdue” Arquette and Laura Dern (Wild) are both deserving. However, Boyhood has had more attention than Wild, so I think it’s going to go to Arquette. Emma and Keira turned in great performances, but they still have plenty of time. And Meryl? Jesus, she must be using these awards as paperweights at this point.
BEST DIRECTOR – Richard Linklater
Come on. Filming a kid at different stages of life and mixing it all into one film. Creative. Give him an award.
SNUBS
Finally, here’s my list of snubs:
Interstellar – the movie laid out a roadmap on how to get to deep space. Completely ignored! What? Who cares about outer space travel? Michael Keaton’s pretending to be a bird!
The Lego Movie – Best animated movie of the year no matter what. I assume it got turned down because it was seen by some as just a big commercial for legos but come on, most kids movies do lead to big time toy merchandising. If it was a commercial, it was a commercial with heart.
Saint Vincent – That old grumpy person you know might not actually be a jerk. He might have experienced some heinous crap that you can’t begin to comprehend. He may have earned the right to be grumpy. So cut him some slack.
The Drop/James Gandolfini – I wish James Gandolfini could have received a posthumous Best Supporting Actor nomination since, sadly, he’ll never have a chance at another one. It was a decent film and in my opinion, Gandolfini’s best performance since The Sopranos.
What are your picks? Who do you think got snubbed? Inquiring Bookshelf Battlers want to know.
Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish 4 – Trailer
Alright. After four days, the film is in the can. God made his masterpiece in seven days. I made mine in four.
And just in time for Oscar night.
Here’s the trailer:
Ominous music…
MOVIE TRAILER GUY: This summer…pet store owner Fred Jones is going to feel like a fish out of water…
FRED: All day long I feed the fish. I clean the tanks. I watch them swim around. I’m tired of the monotony. I need a change.
MOVIE TRAILER GUY: He’s a man with a troubled past…
GENERAL SMITH rips off FRED’S stripes.
GENERAL SMITH: Every last man in your unit was eaten by a killer fish and what did you do? You ran away like the pathetic, sniveling pansy that you are! You make me sick! Get out of my sight!
FRED: Well, I guess I have nothing to do now but move to my hometown and start up a pet store. But God as my witness, if I’m ever given the opportunity to save people from fish again, I’ll save every last one of them!
MOVIE TRAILER GUY: There’s a lot at stake for Fred, and he might lose the love of his life in the process…
FRED’S GIRLFRIEND: I just feel like you love this stupid pet store more than you love me.
FRED: Well one of us have to have a job, Fred’s Girlfriend!
(Fred’s Girlfriend stomps out of the store)
FRED: No! Wait! Fred’s Girlfriend! Come back!
MOVIE TRAILER GUY: And when a mad scientist enters the mix…
MAD SCIENTIST: You ignored my warnings to preserve the environment, world! Now I’ll teach you a lesson by ushering in a new age of mutant fish masters!
(MAD SCIENTIST dumps toxic waste into fish tanks. Fish become enormous)
FRED: Thank God I kept this shotgun under my counter just in case I ever have to kill a bunch of murderous fish!
(FRED cocks the gun – shoots at the fish)
FRED’S GIRLFRIEND: I’m scared, Fred!
FRED: Just stay behind me, Fred’s Girlfriend! I’ll keep you safe!
MOVIE TRAILER GUY: …things are about to get fishy. Coming soon to a theater near you.
So there you have it. Now I’m just waiting for Hollywood to back the Brinks Trucks up to my back door and unload all the sweet, sweet cash.
And no, I’m not having trouble coming up with material for this one post a day for a year challenge at all.
Bookshelf Battle 