Oh, 3.5 readers. I’ve been enjoying myself so much since I broke up with that loser, BQB. I have taken over the BQB HQ and now I get to go to movies without having to sit next to that nerd.
As it turns out, The Lego Movie was not a flash in the pan success. Lego Batman is just as awesome.
The plot? The Joker (Zach Galifinakis) is dismayed when Batman (Will Arnett) informs him that he isn’t the worst villain in his life. Thus, the Joker goes out of his way to prove he is Batman’s worst villain and all manner of shenanigans ensue.
Along the way, Batman adopts Robin (Michael Cera) who completes his look by ripping off his pants and teams up with new Gotham PD Commissioner Barbara Gordon aka Batgirl (Rosario Dawson). Of course, no Batman film would be complete without Alfred (Ralph Fiennes).
For me, the best laughs came when Joker enlists every last Batman villain, including some of the lesser knowns (the ketchup and mustard shooting Condiment Man, for example). Joker invites the audience to Google whether or not these villains were real and not just made up to poke fun at the Batman franchise.
Having no life, I did the Google search when I got home and low and behold, there really was a Condiment Man.
It’s fun for the kids but there’s also a lot of action…well, as much action as a movie about Lego toys can provide. Also, it’s a non-stop parody of all of the past Batman movies as jokes abound about the Caped Crusader’s exploits, ranging from the latest Dark Knight films, to the 1980s and 1990s films, to the more campy 1960s series.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Fun for the whole family. I don’t have a family so I took Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog.
Explosions. Destruction. Mayhem. Vin Diesel’s big bald head.
BQB here with a review of xXx: The Return of Xander Cage.
SPOILER ALERT…I mean, if you care about that sort of thing when it comes to a movie like this.
So, I came up with some alternate titles for this stinker:
“xXx: Xander Cage is Back…and No One Gives a Shit.”
“xXx: Do You Remember? Vin Was in This Movie Fifteen Years Ago and He Played a Guy Named Xander Cage? Aw, Come On. Of Course You Remember. Just Think About It. Still Nothing? OK. Look It Up On IMDB. We’ll Wait.”
“xXx: Vin Diesel is Back to the Shit that Actually Makes Him More After Finally Realizing that Hollywood will Never Give Him an Oscar Worthy Role.”
“xXx: Vin Diesel is Reviving the Movies that Made Him Money Back in the Day But He’s Too Old to Be Awesome and the People Who Would Have Liked to Have Seen More of this Franchise Fifteen Years Ago Are Too Old To Give a Shit Now”
“xXx: Our Crew Rubbed Some Peanut Butter on Vin’s Lips So We Can Get Him to Deliver His Lines Just Like We Did With Mr. Ed.”
“xXx: Bookshelf Q. Battler Wasted His Life Between the Original and This Pile of Drek.”
But I digress. You know, despite my snarky titles, I actually did enjoy this film to an extent. It’s pretty tight, as action movies released in January go, though I admit that isn’t saying a lot.
When the new millennium was young, Vin Diesel hit the scene with movies like The Fast and the Furious and xXx. He was also in Pitch Black, arguably the best thing he’s ever been in, largely because the role called for a creepy, enormous dude with a deep voice.
Since then, he’s shown love to the Fast and Furious franchise by returning in Fast Five and now there are so many of those damn movies I have lost count. He’s shown love to Riddick but in my opinion, Riddick was at his best in Pitch Black and though 2013’s Riddick was acceptable, 2004’s Chronicles of Riddick was a giant stink burger.
Now Vin’s back with a new xXx installment. Back in the early 2000’s, extreme sports were in. Parachuting. Dirt bike racing. Bungie chord jumping. All those things that beautiful idiots do because for some reason, the world looks out for them a little more whereas I stub my toe regularly while walking from the kitchen to the bathroom and thus I’m sure I’d die instantly if I tried to jump out of a plane.
I digressed again. The idea behind the xXx character was that Vin would be an extreme sports loving, American badass version of James Bond, but with more appeal to the youngsters.
I don’t want to say the film flopped. As I recall, it was a blockbuster. But it was also forgettable. Over the years, I’ve seen it while flipping channels and ended up watching it out of a feeling of nostalgia, mostly as it reminds me of a time when I could have made fun of Vin because I had more hair than he did.
Sigh. Stupid hair.
Another digression. This go around, Xander Cage is recruited back into action when…oh God, I don’t know. You know how these movies are. Some stupid thing has been stolen by some piece of shit bad guy and the good guy has to get it before the bad guy does evil shit with it.
Donnie Yen steals the show as Shang. Is Shang a good guy? A bad guy? It’s complicated. All I know is you get to see his sweet kung fu moves. Donnie remains one of my heroes for proving that you can still be a badass even when you are no longer a member of the highly coveted 18-35 year old demographic.
A bunch of youngsters and one old dude are added to Xander’s support team. I assume a bunch of Hollywood suits decided that Vin was getting a little long in the tooth and needed some fresh faces in the mix. Honestly, the only one I recognized was Ruby Rose of Orange is the New Black fame. Oh and I hear she’s big in Australia. I have no idea what Australian films she’s been in. As an American, I assume that Australian TVs show kangaroos fornicating with koala bears 24/7.
Toni Collette stars as…a good guy? A bad guy? It’s also complicated. She’s made up to look like a hot blonde chick but kind of ends up looking like an old hooker that no one told there’s an age limit to hookery. Although, do keep in mind I think that’s what the intent behind the character was.
Blah blah blah. Shit happens. They fight. There’s some bad CGI that looks like it was drawn in crayon.
Throughout the film there are numerous jokes and references that harken back to the first and second films. Although they are meant to be humorous, I just sat there in the theater wanting to hang myself because I have lived such an uneventful life low these past fifteen years that my brain had plenty of room to recall moments from a forgettable, throwaway 2002 film.
Samuel L. Jackson (Augustus Gibbons, xXx’s handler in the first two films) and Ice Cube (Darius, or the agent who took over as a xXx agent in 2005’s xXx: State of the Union) provide the best cameos of the film. They were so good in fact that it made me wonder why the Hollywood suits didn’t just cut out the supporting cast and come up with a blockbuster script revolving around Diesel, Jackson and Ice Cube worthy of a release date outside of January. Then again, not to spoil it, but there’s a part at the end that leads me to believe they may go that way.
There’s a scene where Vin flirts with CIA tech nerd Becky (Nina Dobrev). It’s played straight and humorous but in my mind it looked like an old man trying to pick up one of his daughter’s friends or some shit.
Sigh. I worry about Vin. One day he’ll age out of these action roles and it’s not like Hollywood will ever let him do Shakespeare so I don’t know what he will do.
Oh wait. He’ll roll around in all of his money. Good for him. You know, I’ve never really known what to make of Vin Diesel. Part of me thinks he’s this big, hulking, dumb cro-magnon jock that just gets to be in movies because of his muscles. Then again, his face is kind of ugly and he doesn’t exactly have a look that Hollywood normally welcomes, so as the ambassador of the #OscarsSoPretty movement, I applaud the Vinster and I hope that yes, one day Hollywood will let him perform Shakespeare and/or be in something that could potentially lead to him getting a gold statue that is as bald as he is.
Ugly rights activist BQB here. I don’t particularly care for the taste of crow but I must eat some. I was incorrect in my column a few days ago when I said no ugly actors had been nominated this year.
One has. And his nomination is a glorious shining beacon of hope to every ugly child who dared to dream about taken seriously despite his or her hideous face.
Michael Shannon has been nominated for Best Supporting Actor in a little known film called Nocturnal Animals.
I haven’t seen it. Frankly, I just heard about it yesterday. From what I have been able to glean from the Internet, Jake Gyllenhaal plays a lovesick writer. Dumped by his wife (Amy Adams) because she feels he’s basically a loser that will never go anywhere with his writing career (story of my life, baby), the Jakester sets out to write a novel the contents of which read like a revenge fantasy on his ex.
The film moves between the real world of Jake and Amy’s misery to the fantasy world where the events of the novel take place. Michael Shannon plays a creepy, close to retirement cop that helps a fictionalized version of Jake’s character get revenge on some bad dudes.
Look, I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Michael Shannon is a talented thespian, but he also looks like the result of a one night stand between a gargoyle and a goblin.
I’m not trying to offend the man and I’m in no position to mock others because I am wretchedly ugly myself. I’m just being straight up with you all by letting you know that when I envision hell, I picture multiple creatures with Michael Shannon-esque faces poking me in the ass and demanding that I push a boulder up hill until the end of time.
But seriously. No offense Mike. In fact, you kinda owe me one. I can only assume that my 3.5 readers are members of the academy and when they saw my #OscarsSoPretty rants, they had no choice but to nominate a fine, upstanding Aesthetically Challenged American.
I’d be in remiss if I didn’t point out the fact that it is unfortunate that Mike is often typecast as creepy weirdos, based on no other reason that he looks like a dude who would totally crank one out while staring at you through your bedroom window.
FYI – I’m not saying he does that. I’m just saying he looks like he could do that. Then again, who does look like a bedroom window masturbator when you really think about it? We have all these preconceived notions as to what a weirdo looks like but for all we know, good looking attractive people are just as likely to spank the monkey in a bizarre and disturbing fashion.
I digress. It’s nice to see Mike nominated, but I wish Hollywood had seen fit to broaden the public’s minds about the ugly by casting Mike not as a creepy weirdo but as a head of state or captain of industry.
Seriously. Over the years we have seen Michael Shannon play the uber psychotic Federal agent Nelson Van Alden in Boardwalk Empire, as well as the maniacal alien overlord General Zod in Man of Steel.
When does Michael Shannon get to play the lead in a wacky romantic comedy? What? Michael Shannon can’t woo Bridget Jones just because he wasn’t blessed with good looks?
Yeah, you laugh but first they refuse to put ugly actors in non-creepy roles. Before you know it, they’re rounding up uggos and locking them away in concentration camps. Total anarchy.
Don’t get me wrong. I salute Hollywood for recognizing that an ugly actor has talent and deserves recognition. Normally, Hollywood just uglies up a good looking actor with prosthetics and make up when they need a character in a movie to be ugly, so its a major coup that (are you sitting down for this?) an honest to God ugly person was hired to play an actual ugly person. No makeup and/or prosthetics necessary.
I’ll take Mike’s nomination as a positive sign, but I’m putting Hollywood on notice that I do expect to see ugly actors playing nice, good natured, non-murderous folks in the future. I want to see ugly actors not merely cast in their stereotypical roles as bridge trolls, CHUDs, monsters, criminals and psychos, but I also want to see uggos playing doctors, lawyers, business people, CEOS, titans of industry and pillars of the community.
We’re here. We’re ugly. Get used to it. We have cast the paper bags placed on our heads by “The Man” and we are ready to support Michael Shannon in his quest for Oscar glory.
Who’s with me? Academy, you must heal beautiful/ugly relations by giving Mike a statue!
So, word has it that the next Star Wars movie will be titled, “The Last Jedi.”
As many Internet dweebs have pointed out, in Empire Strikes Back, Yoda tells Luke, “When I am gone, the last Jedi you will be.”
In other words, the title is most likely a reference to Luke. As we saw at the end of the last film, Luke will be a big role in this new movie.
Does “last Jedi” mean that Luke will kick the bucket? One would think so because if he croaks before any new Jedis are made, then he’d be the last Jedi.
To me, this title begs a question – if there are no more Jedis, how can there be any more movies?
These movies rely on Jedis and if there are no more Jedis then you can’t make any more Star Wars movies.
Is the plural of Jedi also “Jedi?” In that case, the title could refer to Luke and Rey and or any amount of unspecified Jedi. However, if they are the last Jedi then I don’t know how you could have another movie.
It seems to me that the new movies are following the plots of 4-6 (or, the originals, if you are an old bastard like me). Rey learns she has powers in 7 as Luke does in 4. Rey will get trained by a wise old master (Luke) in 8 as Luke was trained by Yoda in 5 and I assume Rey will be in full badass Jedi glory in 9 as Luke was in 6.
But how can Rey become a Jedi if someone, most likely Luke, becomes the last Jedi in 8?
Singing animals. A koala bear hustler. A mouse who can channel Sinatra.
BQB here with a review of Sing.
Non-Disney animation studios have always been at a disadvantage. They’ve put out some great, funny films over the years, but rarely do they ever churn out something that could be called a “classic.”
Disney’s got the schmaltzy, heart string tugging formula down and it doesn’t hurt that they have a couple of parks to indoctrinate kids into their universe at a young age either.
I think Illumination, the studio who gave us those pesky minions, have brought us an instant classic with Sing.
Matthew (“Aw right, aw right, aw right”) McConaughey voices producer/down on his luck charlatan Buster Moon, a koala bear desperately trying to save the theater his father helped him build. He thinks an American Idol-esque singing contest will do the trick, but alas, a typo on the advertising flyers courtesy of his incompetent secretary/iguana Miss Crawly lands him in hot water.
Finalists include:
Rosita (Reese Witherspoon) – A pig/stay at home mom who feels her vocal talents are being wasted in a life spent washing clothes and grocery shopping.
Mike (Seth MacFarlane) – A mouse who sings like Frank Sinatra with a gambling program that has left him in hock to a bunch of angry bears.
Ash (Scarlett Johansson) – A punk rocker porcupine, or “punkupine” if you will, trying to decide whether or not to stick with her loser boyfriend/bandmate or strike out on her own.
Johnny (Taron Egerton) – A gorilla forced into a life of crime by his bank robbing father.
Meena (Tori Kelly) – A shy elephant who would be a great singer if she can just get up the nerve.
Along the way, there are frogs who appropriately sing Van Halen’s Jump, bunnies who pay tribute to Sir Mix-a-Lot, and an alligator who sings the Humpty Dance.
Each character has his/her own reasons for wanting to win the contest and by the end of the film you find yourself rooting for all of them. The kids will enjoy it but you will too.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Worth a trip to the theater.
I caught a glimpse of this trailer today and it looks pretty cool.
Anne Hathaway is upset that a giant monster has started destroying the city. After awhile, she realizes, for some bizarre, unexplained reason, that the monster mimics her movements and is essentially under her control.
Wacky Boston accents. Explosions. Mark Wahlberg wants you to say hello to your mother for him.
BQB here with a review of Patriots Day.
It’s not easy to make a movie about real, tragic events. First, there’s the possibility that people might be offended by the idea of Hollywood making a buck off of other people’s misery.
Second, real life often does not provide cookie cutter storylines. Thus, movies like these often come across as well-acted documentaries instead of an actual cinematic story.
Mark “I’m From Boston So I Have to Be in All of the Boston Movies that Ben Affleck Isn’t In, Kid” Wahlberg leads the cast as Sgt.Tommy Saunders, a chronic pain sufferer forced to work crowd control on the Boston Marathon as a punishment. Saunders is in the dog house with the department for unspecified reasons, but he’s assured this assignment will return him to good standing.
What begins as a fun event quickly turns tragic when bombs go off. Scenes of mayhem, carnage, responders assisting people who have lost limbs, blood, body parts etc. Personally, I could have done without seeing that, though I understand the overall goal was to explain to the viewer the pain, both physical and mental, that people experienced due to this attack.
Throughout the film, we are introduced to various people from all walks of life, from a young studious couple who end up losing their legs, to the poor unfortunate MIT police officer who is in the wrong place at the wrong time, to the dude who’s just checking his text messages when he gets kidnapped by a pair of terrorists and forced to go on a scary ride as their hostage.
Things get more interesting as the hunt for bombers/terrorist brothers Tamerlan and Dzhokar Tsarnaev gets underway. Kevin Bacon and John Goodman are among the actors who play the assorted suits in charge.
One part that caught my attention was how technology made a big impact on the investigation. Officers collected cell phones from the scene and were flooded with emails from citizens who had been recording footage. Based on all that data, the authorities were able to find images of the two suspects.
It all concludes in a frightening chase/stand-off in Watertown, where the Tsarnaevs shoot at and hurl homemade bombs at police officers. The scenes rival any action packed summer blockbuster. Intriguing to watch until you realize…this actually happened. Dun dun dun.
Overall, I felt the film treated the event with respect, though there has been some controversy. For example, there have been some reports that Dennis Simmonds, a black police officer who was injured during the Watertown shootout, then died a year later from his wounds, was not granted any screen time. Way to go, Hollywood.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. It runs long. You could wait to rent it, though the Watertown shoot out scene is pretty intense on the big screen. Again, I do say that reluctantly, as this stuff actually happened.
Tommy guns! Dizzy dames! Ben Affleck in a white suit mumbling incoherently.
Youse guys better check out this movie if youse know what’s good for youse, see?
BQB here with the 1930s period piece/screen adaptation of Dennis Lehane’s historical crime novel, Live By Night.
Ben “Look At Me, I’m From Boston So I Have to Be in All the Boston Movies, Kid” Affleck stars as stick up man Joe Coughlin, a petty thug/World War I veteran who, despite being Irish, rises up through the ranks of the Italian mob on a mission of vengeance against the rival mobster who killed the maul he loved.
It’s a great premise. It’s fun to see the past brought to life on the big screen. Historic films rarely do well at the box office anymore, so it’s great to see Hollywood sticking up for them anyway.
Further, we’ve seen gangster era New York on screen, but its rare to see somewhere like Boston in the thirties.
My main complaint is the film tends to wander. The whole point of the film is Joe seeking revenge, but he takes a roundabout zig zag approach to it instead of a straight line. Halfway through the film you start to forget what Joe is up to.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Probably the best you’re going to see on screen in January.
Apparently, Hollywood is getting its favorite major bomb of a movie out of the way early in 2017.
Monster Trucks is apparently going to cost its studio a $115 million loss even though it just happened. The plot follows a young mechanic who finds a monster living in his truck who powers and controls the truck. Other monsters come around, take over those trucks…so…yeah. Monster Trucks.
The trailer reminds me of 1980s goofy sci-fi/kid befriends nice creature movies. A hundred and fifteen million lost on a live action kids film released in January? I don’t know, someone goofed up somewhere.
However, critics are calling it the biggest pile of crap to walk out of crapville. (They didn’t say that exactly but that’s the general summary).
I hate to get too down on Hollywood. I am always encouraging them to do something new and stop all the reboots and remakes. But I guess you walk a fine line when it comes to kids movies. Animated appeals to kids more than live action.
Oh well. Monster Trucks, we hardly knew ye. What say you, 3.5 readers?
I love it when I can watch movies related to a project I’m working on and call it research.
Bruce Lee’s signature film, a super hairy Chuck Norris and a whole helluva lot of kung fu.
BQB here with a review of Way of the Dragon.
I have to be honest. This film is considered to be the quintessential martial arts film but when I look through it via a modern frame of mind then…well, yeah, it kind of stinks.
It’s basically one step above being a high school AV club project. The plot is goofy. In Rome, a mafia don wants a restaurant owned by Uncle Wang and, I guess his relative of some sort, maybe his daughter or some shit I don’t know because it’s hard to understand, so what the hell, we’ll just call her his daughter, Chen Ching Hua (Nora Miao).
Chen’s other uncle from Hong Kong sends a friend, Tang Lung (Bruce Lee), to Rome to help protect the restaurant and beat up some motherfuckers with his kung fu skills.
Throughout the film, there are cheesy jokes aplenty. For example, Tang Lung arrives at the airport and an old lady stares at him, unsure what to make of him. He then orders soup at an airport restaurant but his elderly waitress is confused as to what he wants. He points to soup on the menu a bunch of times, so she brings him like twenty bowls of soup.
Being a gentlemen, Tang Lung eats it all and then throughout the first part of the film it becomes a running joke that he needs to keep asking for a bathroom because he has the soupy shits.
Meanwhile, the don’s top henchman is a flamboyantly gay, scarf clad stereotype, so outlandish in fact that I’d love to get Ken Jeong on the phone just to ask if he based Mr. Chow in The Hangover films on this character.
Blah, blah, blah, there are a lot of jokes, a lot of fights, a lot of squabbling over what is going to happen to the restaurant and then, wham! There’s the big finish in which the don hires American martial artist Colt (aka Chuck Fucking Norris) to take down Tang Lung, because apparently, he really wants that fucking restaurant.
Add to the list of the movie’s plot holes a lack of an explanation as to why this restaurant is so important. The don goes through like nine-hundred henchmen just to get his hands on this joint. Is gold buried under the floor boards? Is it prime real estate that can be sold at a high markup? What the hell is going on here? Oh well. Nobody knows.
And I also digress. This film was Chuck Norris’ big screen debut and holy shit, was he a sight to behold in his youthful, pre-mustache glory. The man had a bear-like mange of chest hair, so luxurious that Bruce tears a hunk out of it during the final fight scene.
The man’s back was even hairy. That shit just wouldn’t fly today. If you want to be on screen then you have to be waxed, but they didn’t care about that shit in the 1970s. Hell, hairiness was a sign of virility. The hairier you were, the more poon you got and let me tell you, by the look of his back, young Chuck Norris was swimming in strange.
Can you believe I once had a girlfriend who complained about my hairy back? Shit. I bet young Chuck Norris didn’t have to put up with uppity broads trying to rub Nair all over his shoulder blades.
I have digressed again. Look, the film is on Netflix so you should check it out. Don’t shit on the film as I have but rather, keep in mind that it was a 1970s flick, made at a time when martial arts films were just getting started. Ignore the cheesiness, the silly jokes, and the terrible English voiceover dubbing.
The final fight scene is intense. Bruce and Chuck never speak to each other but it is clear they are both professionals. They silently taunt one another but they also fight with honor and respect.
Come for the movie. Stay until the end for the epic final showdown between Bruce and Chuck, two titans in all of their glory. Sadly, the world lost Bruce way, way too young, but at least Chuck stuck around long enough to grow a sweet mustache, appear in a shit ton of B movies and become an Internet meme.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Invent a time machine and bring me back to the 1970s, a time when men were men and the only limit to the amount of chicks they could bag was measured by the amount of bear-like fur on their manly chests and backs.
Bookshelf Battle 