Hey 3.5 readers.
Ugly rights activist BQB here. I don’t particularly care for the taste of crow but I must eat some. I was incorrect in my column a few days ago when I said no ugly actors had been nominated this year.
One has. And his nomination is a glorious shining beacon of hope to every ugly child who dared to dream about taken seriously despite his or her hideous face.
Michael Shannon has been nominated for Best Supporting Actor in a little known film called Nocturnal Animals.
I haven’t seen it. Frankly, I just heard about it yesterday. From what I have been able to glean from the Internet, Jake Gyllenhaal plays a lovesick writer. Dumped by his wife (Amy Adams) because she feels he’s basically a loser that will never go anywhere with his writing career (story of my life, baby), the Jakester sets out to write a novel the contents of which read like a revenge fantasy on his ex.
The film moves between the real world of Jake and Amy’s misery to the fantasy world where the events of the novel take place. Michael Shannon plays a creepy, close to retirement cop that helps a fictionalized version of Jake’s character get revenge on some bad dudes.
Look, I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Michael Shannon is a talented thespian, but he also looks like the result of a one night stand between a gargoyle and a goblin.
I’m not trying to offend the man and I’m in no position to mock others because I am wretchedly ugly myself. I’m just being straight up with you all by letting you know that when I envision hell, I picture multiple creatures with Michael Shannon-esque faces poking me in the ass and demanding that I push a boulder up hill until the end of time.
But seriously. No offense Mike. In fact, you kinda owe me one. I can only assume that my 3.5 readers are members of the academy and when they saw my #OscarsSoPretty rants, they had no choice but to nominate a fine, upstanding Aesthetically Challenged American.
I’d be in remiss if I didn’t point out the fact that it is unfortunate that Mike is often typecast as creepy weirdos, based on no other reason that he looks like a dude who would totally crank one out while staring at you through your bedroom window.
FYI – I’m not saying he does that. I’m just saying he looks like he could do that. Then again, who does look like a bedroom window masturbator when you really think about it? We have all these preconceived notions as to what a weirdo looks like but for all we know, good looking attractive people are just as likely to spank the monkey in a bizarre and disturbing fashion.
I digress. It’s nice to see Mike nominated, but I wish Hollywood had seen fit to broaden the public’s minds about the ugly by casting Mike not as a creepy weirdo but as a head of state or captain of industry.
Seriously. Over the years we have seen Michael Shannon play the uber psychotic Federal agent Nelson Van Alden in Boardwalk Empire, as well as the maniacal alien overlord General Zod in Man of Steel.
When does Michael Shannon get to play the lead in a wacky romantic comedy? What? Michael Shannon can’t woo Bridget Jones just because he wasn’t blessed with good looks?
Yeah, you laugh but first they refuse to put ugly actors in non-creepy roles. Before you know it, they’re rounding up uggos and locking them away in concentration camps. Total anarchy.
Don’t get me wrong. I salute Hollywood for recognizing that an ugly actor has talent and deserves recognition. Normally, Hollywood just uglies up a good looking actor with prosthetics and make up when they need a character in a movie to be ugly, so its a major coup that (are you sitting down for this?) an honest to God ugly person was hired to play an actual ugly person. No makeup and/or prosthetics necessary.
I’ll take Mike’s nomination as a positive sign, but I’m putting Hollywood on notice that I do expect to see ugly actors playing nice, good natured, non-murderous folks in the future. I want to see ugly actors not merely cast in their stereotypical roles as bridge trolls, CHUDs, monsters, criminals and psychos, but I also want to see uggos playing doctors, lawyers, business people, CEOS, titans of industry and pillars of the community.
We’re here. We’re ugly. Get used to it. We have cast the paper bags placed on our heads by “The Man” and we are ready to support Michael Shannon in his quest for Oscar glory.
Who’s with me? Academy, you must heal beautiful/ugly relations by giving Mike a statue!