I have a Coke addiction, 3.5 readers.
I’ve been chasing that fizzy brown dragon my whole life.
Mmm then ungh.
Up then down.
Thus, it cool to see the Coca Cola store in Disney Springs.
I’ve got a problem, 3.5 readers.
Some people toke the ganja.
Others pop the pills.
There are people who even fill their nostrils with Bolivian Nose Candy.
Me? I chase a fizzy, bubbly dragon known as diet soda.
Sure, the love affair started out simply enough.
So many years ago, I needed to stay awake longer so I could study harder.
I thought all the studying would lead me to become a great man.
Had I known the height of my achievement would be to become the proprietor of a blog with 3.5 readers my responses would have been “What’s a blog?” and “Oh, I guess I’ll study less and sleep more then.”
Anyway, as the years went on, I became thoroughly hooked on the fizz.
It’s a vicious cycle. I feel like I need it to stay awake. But then because I’m jacked up on the caffeine, I can’t sleep. And then because I didn’t sleep enough, I’m tired during the day, so I reach for a soda.
Oh and the diet soda isn’t always enough. Sometimes I go for the hard stuff. Full on calorie laden regular cola.
And you know, if it were just me, I’d give in to the fizzy dragon. I’d let the aspartame and sodium and caffeine and god knows what else course through my veins until I keep over in a pool of carbonated brown sugar water.
But its not me anymore. Its me and my 3.5 readers and damn it, my 3.5 readers need me.
Who will entertain my 3.5 readers but me?
Who will feed the minds of my 3.5 readers but me?
Who will make my 3.5 readers feel better about themselves because at least they have accomplished more than starting a blog with 3.5 readers but me?
My 3.5 readers need me and I must live a long, happy, healthy life in order to entertain them.
Thus, I’m doing this for you, 3.5 readers.
Today, I will suck down my last soda.
Tomorrow, I begin the long walk to soda fiend recovery.
That’s right. No soda pills. No soda patches. No soda 12-step programs. No soda rehab centers.
I’m going cold turkey baby.
And I’ll update you once in awhile on how the soda quitting efforts are going.
I hope this will inspire you to drop your bad habits, 3.5 readers. Or if you don’t have any, to not develop any.
Thanks for reading, 3.5. As usual, you’re a trio and a half of good eggs.
Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein (Better known to his 3.5 readers as Bookshelf Q. Battler or BQB)
Jones wasn’t wrong. I needed to quit huff. It gave me heart palpitations. Made me sweat. Wore me out. I wasn’t about to tell him all that though. I didn’t need another lecture from my little green mother substitute.
Quit huff? Sounds easy…until you realize that for an addict, giving up halminotrin is like giving up water, air, or a spot of the old slap and tickle with a tri-breasted space babe. Don’t even get me started on the quadruple sets. That’s almost too many.
I’d scored a new inhalator and a huff slab from my host’s warehouse. I sat on a cot and stared at them. They were inanimate objects and yet it felt like they were calling me, luring me, drawing me in, making me feel like I couldn’t do anything else until I got some of that good stuff into my body.
No. I pushed them away and laid back. I freed my mind and let it wander. Unfortunately for me, it never failed to make three stops on memory lane:
1. Me, as a little boy, staring helplessly as a man that looks exactly like my father shoots my mother, then ransacks the house, looking for my sister and I. I’m confused as there is another man who looks like my father lying dead on the floor. I sit there for what feels like forever until a man with a handlebar mustache takes me away.
2. That man leaves me with Master Ashakti, who trains me in Umquai, the greatest of all shai martial arts. Best part of Umquai? It turns you into an all out bad ass fighting machine. Worst part? It also turns you into a depressed nihilist. “Everything in life is fleeting so stop caring.” That way of thinking makes you a good killer but a useless being. It also led me to killing someone I wish I hadn’t, so much so his dead eyes haunt me in my dreams. Sometimes I care too much. Not all that nihilism rubbed off on me. I wish it had. I could sleep like a baby.
3. Handlebar Mustache Man returns when I’m a man, recruits me to his unit and my incompetence leads to first woman I ever loved being killed.
What you need to understand, noble reader, is that other than to explain why I’m a hopeless junkie, these recollections have little to do with the story at hand. If you’re moved by my words, maybe one day I’ll explain how it all ties in together.
As for Handlebar Mustache Man? He is a recurring player from my past who still makes the occasional cameo in my present. I’m torn as to whether or not that’s a good thing. I try not to think about it.
Scratch that. I try not to think about any of it. Thus far, huff is the only substance I’ve discovered that allows me to do so.
I sit back up. The inhalator and the white, gritty halminotrin slab are still there.
And the dance begins.
The thoughts that get me in trouble:
No one has a right to tell me to stop. No one but me could ever possibly understand what I’ve been through.
I need it. I deserve it. I’ll be fine. Of the 97.5 percent of huff/rejuvatrix mixers who die horrible deaths, I’ll be one of the lucky 3.5% who survive.
I’ll just have a little bit.
OK. I’ll have a lot. But I’m going to quit tomorrow, I swear. And since I’m quitting tomorrow, I might as well live it up with one last huff.
F%$k it. I need to sleep. Stop debating yourself and huff that shit already.
I grab a bottle of water from the table by my bed and pour it into the tray. I break off a few crumbles, smash them up and drop in the dust. I swirl the tray around, mixing it all together nicely. The tray goes in. The switch is turned. The little motor chugs. Mask on face. I do look like a fighter pilot with sleep apnea but who gives a shit?
I’m like a stranger in my own skin. Lighter than air. No cares. No worries. I’m the nihilist Master Ashakti always told me to be.
There’s even a unicorn bringing me a cake on its back. Mmm. Don’t mind if I do.