Sunday morning…
Over the years, Kit had turned his loft into a veritable museum of geekery. Much like a suit of armor one might find in an old castle, a Star Wars storm trooper outfit stood at attention on a pedestal in the right hand corner of the living room. In the far left corner, there was a scowling zombie statute that had once been a prop from the horror flick, Zombageddon. A full size TARDIS phone booth that had actually been used in the Dr. Who series was in the back of the room, next to a display case filled with limited edition action figures still in the original packaging. Characters from Star Wars, Star Trek, GI Joe, Transformers, Battlestar Galactica, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were just a few of the selections on display. He had even more, but figures he deemed too rare or expensive he kept in a special closet.
Hanging over the fire place? A framed poster of John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson from Pulp Fiction, their pistol packing hands extended towards their impending victims. It was signed by the actors themselves, as well as the classic film’s legendary director, Quentin Tarantino. On the mantle, there were over a hundred jiggly bobble head dolls. The characters more or less ran the same gamut of his action figure collection.
Various lightsabers sat on a rack as if they were samurai swords and a tauntaun’s head was mounted on Kit’s wall as if it were a big game hunter’s prize. As for vintage arcade games, there were too many too mention. Pac Man, Galaga, Dig Dug, Frogger, Centipede, Space Invaders…he had them all.
Clad in a terrycloth bathrobe emblazoned with Batman’s logo on the back, Kit marched into the room holding a breakfast tray. Scrambled eggs, French toast, hash browns, orange juice and coffee…he’d gone all out.
“My my, quite the gourmet chef!” Lindsey said.
“Bon appetit, mon cheri,” Kit said as he took a spot on the couch next to his lady love. “What are we watching?”
“You!”
“What?” Kit asked as he chomped into a piece of toast.
“Look!” Lindsey said as she pointed to the TV, where an anchorman was babbling away.
“And in lighter news, comedian Kit Crawford, best known for his ventriloquism act ‘Kit N’ Caboodle….”
Footage of Friday night’s show ran as the anchorman continued.
“…wowed the world as he made his dummy sing a rap song while being water boarded. Vick Tanner, Executive Producer for Friday Night Follies, said the stunt brought the show its highest ratings ever in its twenty-five year history.”
“You’re literally on every channel,” Lindsey said as she clicked the remote. The next channel? Kit. The channel after that? Kit. The next one? Kit again. Lindsey stopped when she reached an episode of Entertainment Beat in progress.
“Wowza! A star is born!” announced the beautiful host, Julie Broderick. “Kit Crawford and his pal Caboodle have made a number of cameos on various television shows, most recently on this episode of Dumb Dad…”
Dumb Dad was the most popular sitcom on television. It followed the exploits of Pete Gentry, the world’s dumbest dad. Kit N’ Caboodle guest starred as a pair of psychiatrists.
Pete laid down on a black leather sofa and poured his heart out as Kit N’ Caboodle listened.
“I’m so depressed, doctor…”
“Doctors,” Caboodle said, leaning into the “s.”
“Excuse me?” Pete asked.
“There’s two doctors in the room,” Caboodle said. “I did complete seven years of medical school, I’ll have you know.”
“Really?” Pete asked, surprised.
“Yeah, the University of Barbados has pretty lax standards,” Caboodle replied. “They’ll let any dummy in.”
Cue canned laugh track.
“OK,” Pete corrected himself. “I’m so depressed, doctors…”
“Why is that, Peter?” Kit asked as he pretended to scrawl notes on a legal pad.
“I’m a constant disappointment to my wife and children,” Pete said. “Every week I fail them in a kooky, off the wall manner. Like just last week, my daughter Becky baked a chocolate cake and I ate a slice only I didn’t know it was for the school bake sale.”
“Absolutely riveting,” Caboodle said.
“So I got the recipe and tried to bake a replacement cake only I blew up my wife’s stove…”
“Uh huh,” Kaboodle said.
“Soo then I…I’m sorry, is the dummy going to keep talking?”
“No, you can stick a sock in it whenever you want,” Caboodle said.
Cue Caboodle’s head spin, followed by his catchphrase, “Wowza!” topped off with more canned laughter.
Cut to Julie’s voice over the Friday Night Follies opener. “But Hollywood insiders are all a-twitter over this sketch, saying it’s sure to propel Crawford to super stardom.”
Cut to Luther walking to his car.
“Our cameras caught up with Crawford’s agent, Luther Beaumont.”
“Aww hell I always knew that boy had a light in him and it was finally his turn to shine,” Luther said. “Get used to his face because you’re going to be seeing it all over the place, America.”
Kit grabbed the remote and switched the TV off.
“You don’t want to watch yourself?” Lindsey asked.
“Nah,” Kit replied as he looked into Lindsey’s blue eyes. “I’d rather watch you.”
Lindsey snuggled up under Kit’s arm. “Oh you would, would you?”
“Yes…”
The couple locked lips. Kit eased himself back on the couch, pulling Lindsey on top of him. He stopped kissing for a moment and just studied his girlfriend’s perfect, porcelain skin. Her red hair was pulled up in a bun and she was wearing one of Kit’s shirts as a night shirt, but it didn’t matter. To Kit, she’d look good in anything.
“What?” Lindsey asked.
“You’re so beautiful,” Kit answered.
“Shut up!” Lindsey said playfully as she moved in to nibble on Kit’s earlobe.
BZZZTTTT!
Kit’s phone vibrated and shook all over the coffee table.
“Oh my God,” Lindsey said. “That thing’s been ringing off the hook.”
“It has?” Kit asked as he reached for it.
“Like ten times while you were in the kitchen.”
Kit swiped right to answer.
“Hello?”
“Star playa.”
“Hey Luther.”
“What’re you doing tomorrow?” Luther asked.
“I’ve got no plans.”
“Wrong baby,” Luther said. “Your ass is meeting Diana Fairbanks tomorrow.”
Diana Fairbanks was universally considered to be the most breathtakingly hot actress in the entire world, capable of making men erect with a single glance.
Kit sprang to his feet, practically knocking Lindsey off the couch. “Get the fuck out!”
Luther laughed. “I will get the fuck in, bitch!”
The comedian was full of questions. “How? What? What’s this about?”
“Her people loved your shit,” Luther explained. “She wants you as her love interest in her next rom-com.”
“What’s it’s about?”
“Hell if I know,” Luther replied. “Star crossed lovers find each other against the odds and fuck. What’s it matter? My office. Get there at ten a.m. sharp and don’t be a second late or I’ll hunt you down and beat your ass with a two by four. Got it?”
“I got it. Jesus, Luther. Thank you.”
“Don’t mention it. Anything for my star playa.”
Kit sat back, stunned and speechless.
“Good news?” Lindsey asked.
“You could say that,” Kit said. “Do you think me being in a movie with Diana Fairbanks is good news?”
“OH MY GOD!” Lindsey squealed. She threw her arms around Kit and planted kisses all over him. “I can’t believe it!”
“Me neither!” Kit said.
“Baby!” Lindsey said. “I’m so proud of you!”
Kit reached his hand underneath Lindsey’s panties and was about to move in even deeper when she pulled away.
..
“Baby…”
“What?” Kit asked.
Lindsey looked at the coffee table were Caboodle was lying on his side, taking in the entire spectacle through his big goofy eyes.
“Could you…”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Kit said as he picked Caboodle up and set him down on his knee. “I was practicing with him earlier and forgot I left him out.”
Kaboodle perked up. “Well of course you did, you big loser, you’d forget your own head if it wasn’t attached.”
Lindsey giggled.
The dummy’s head turned toward Lindsey. “What’s up sweetie, are we gonna get this three-way started or what?”
Amazed, Lindsey leaned over and poked Caboodle’s cheek.
“Whoa baby I love it when you get handsy,” Caboodle said.
“How do you do that?” Lindsey asked.
“Do what?” replied.
“Make your dummy talk.”
“I just put a little bit of peanut butter on Kit’s lips and he does the rest,” Caboodle answered. “Wowza!”
“Its just…he seems so real,” Lindsey said. “Like I almost forget you’re making him talk.”
“Him?” Caboodle asked. “Everyone knows I’m the brains of the operation!”
“You’re just so good I can’t believe it,” Lindsey said.
“It takes a lot of practice and patience,” Kit said. “Years of learning how to throw my voice, control my vocal chords, my tone, pitch, talking while keeping my lips closed.”
“I swear I’ve never seen your lips move once,” Lindsey said.
“It’s a gift,” Kit said. “Oh and growing up as the geek that no one wants to hang out with helped. Left me a lot of time to practice with this guy.”
“Awww,” Lindsey said as she kissed Kit on the cheek. “Well I can’t think of anyone I’d rather spend all my time with, Mr. Big Handsome Geek.”
Kit smiled.
Lindsey patted him on the knee. “But put him away, ok? I’m sorry but he just creeps me out.”
“He does?” Kit asked.
“Yeah, I can feel him staring at me.”
“That’s silly,” Kit said.
“I know,” Lindsay said as stood up. “But just do it anyway.”
“OK.”
Kit strolled across the living room floor, listening as Lindsey cooed, “meet me in the bedroom when you’re done, baby.”
Bookshelf Battle 