Tag Archives: blog serials

May 12 2015
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Project X

Mickey Finn

Mickey Finn, Hatcher's Ex-Partner

Mickey Finn, Hatcher’s Ex-Partner

Hatcher?

Yeah I know him.  Hell, me and that sonuvabitch go way back.  He’s my old partner, for Chrissakes.

Why?  Who’s askin’?  What’re you, writing a book or somethin’?

Hatch.    “The Boy Scout” we used to call him.  Always did quote unquote “the right thing.”  Refused to take a taste.  Never looked the other way.  Broke down doors like it was his mission in life to right all society’s wrongs.

I use to tell him, “Hatch.  It’s great you want to save the world and all but the world called and it don’t give a shit, so sit back, relax, and have a drink with me, will ya?'”

Ahh, there was nothing I could say to get that guy to take it easy.  Never saw a bigger teetotaler in all my life.  Irony is I hear the bastard drinks like a fish at happy hour now.

Oh…what?  He tell you about that thing with me and his wife?  Jesus H. Christ, is he still harpin’ on that?  For the love of God, that’s ancient history.

Hell, if you ask me, I did Hatch a favor.  If his broad hadn’t been such a shameless hussy, she never would have succumbed to my rapier wit and grandiose charms.  True, few women can resist tearin’ a hunk off this slab of beef but still.  It’s the principle of the thing.

So what? I did what any good friend would do. I gave the gal a floozy test.  She failed with a capital F.  And hey, between you and me she mighta done somethin’ else that starts with “F” too.

Get it?  Huh?  Ahh, you people got no sense of humor.  I’m Mickey Finn, damn it.  I’m the life of the party over here.

Anyhow, if you see Hatcher, tell that lousy old sack of horse manure he needs to forgive and forget.  Now that I have selflessly exposed his old lady as a trollop, he can get to work on finding himself a decent Christian woman, you know what I’m sayin’?

Let’s face it.  That’s what Old Hatch really wants.  A nice pure dame who parks her behind in the first church pew every Sunday and would slap a guy like me in the face before I could say “boo” to her.

You’re welcome, Hatch.

Not like a bum like you would ever thank me.

Mickey Finn – the guy you’ll want to slap in the face.  Coming to the as of yet untitled “Project X” on June 1, right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

Guy at card table image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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May 09 2015
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BQB and the Meaning of Life

PREVIEW TRAILER – Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life

Infamous Uber Nerd Bookshelf Q. Battler takes on the world - coming May 15 to a blog near you.

Infamous Uber Nerd Bookshelf Q. Battler takes on the world – coming May 15 to a blog near you.

ANNOUNCER:  Meet Bookshelf Q.Battler.  Geek?  Dweeb?  Nerd? These words don’t do him justice.

BQB:  Where did I leave my limited edition Capt. Jean Luc-Picard tea cozy?

ANNOUNCER:  And this summer?  HE’S GOING TO DIE!

BQB:  Damn it!  I haven’t even Netflixed Daredevil yet!

ANNOUNCER:  But he’ll come back to life as a man on a mission to answer life’s most illusive question.

BQB:  Why did the series finale of Dexter suck with the gale force winds of a thousand Hoovermatics?

ANNOUNCER:  Who’s the announcer here?

BQB:  Sorry.

ANNOUNCER:  You should be.  “WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?”

BQB:  Damned if I know.

ANNOUNCER:  Bookshelf Q. Battler, aka BQB, you know him as the author of a blog with 3.5 readers…

BQB:  One of them’s my aunt!

AUNT GERTIE:  Oh BQB I loved your post about the pancakes you had for breakfast this morning, bubalah.

ANNOUNCER:  He’s also the owner of a magic bookshelf.  Put a book on it and tiny versions of the book’s characters will pop out and fight over limited shelf space.

BQB:  Guys, just once I’d like to get through one day without my headquarters being set on fire by tiny literary protagonists.

ANNOUNCER: But he’ll leave it all behind to travel to a war torn nation in search of answers.

BQB:  I mean, Dexter just drives his boat up to a hospital and then walks out with his sister and NO ONE SAYS A WORD TO HIM?  WTF?!!

ANNOUNCER:  He might even find a love interest on the way…

BQB:  Is it Katee Sackhoff?

ANNOUNCER:  But will our nerdy hero be able to open up his heart?

BQB:  Oh my God, just tell me.  It’s Katee Sackhoff, isn’t it?

ANNOUNCER:  It’s not Katee Sackhoff.

BQB:  Damn it man, who wrote this drivel?!

ANNOUNCER:  You did.

BQB:  Rewrite!  “And…then…Katee Sackhoff was all over Bookshelf Q. Battler like stink on a monkey…”

ANNOUNCER:  Friday, May 15, the journey begins on the Bookshelf Battle Blog, located at bookshelfbattle.com  –  Follow updates on Twitter (@bookshelfbattle)

Read along as our noble book blogger goes on a worldwide journey of self introspection.  We’ll learn a lot about him…including his real name.

BQB:  Bookshelf Q. Sackhoff.

Copyright (C) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.  All Rights Reserved.

Worldly nerd image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license

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May 08 2015
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Summer of Bookshelf

Project X – A Sneak Peak

Coming to the Bookshelf Battle Blog June 1, a serial so cool that Bookshelf Q. Battler is holding back on the title for now…

Hatcher and Betsy

Hatcher and Betsy

Meet Jake Hatcher.  He’s a 1950’s era hardboiled private detective in the tradition of Sam Spade or Phillip Marlowe.  Film noir fans rejoice.

He isn’t just any old gumshoe.  With the help of his trusty service revolver Betsy, he dispatched numerous Nazis during World War II and was even involved in a mission so secret that it can’t be discussed just yet, even on a blog that only has 3.5 readers.

After the fall of the Third Reich, Hatcher became a bur in the britches of LA’s criminal underworld, feeding Betsy a steady diet of wiseguys to replace the agents of Der Fuhrer that she’d grown accustomed to.

The twist?  One night in 1955, Hatcher fell asleep in his office desk chair.  When he woke up, it was 2014.  For the past year, he’s been aimlessly wandering the streets of the City of Angels, desperately trying to figure out how he lost 59 years and if there’s a way to get back to his own time.

Mysterious Blonde Dame

Mysterious Blonde Dame

This summer, a mysterious blonde dame will walk into Hatcher’s life on the finest pair of getaway sticks this side of the Rio Grande.  This femme fatale claims she can help our hero figure out how he lost 59 years.  She even says she can help him return to his own era.

But he’s going to have to jump through a lot of hoops first.

Mysteries are afoot in modern times and Hatcher needs to dust off his sleuthing skills and get to work.

What kind of mysteries?  BQB will get back to you on that one.

Is this dame on the level or is Hatcher being played like a harpsichord?

Only time will tell…and the catch?

You’ll have to help him.

Yes, there will be some reader interactivity and of course, Bookshelf Q. Battler’s unique brand of humor will be present throughout.  Even so, this new feature will be an interesting diversion from BQB’s usual schtick.

For now, the owner of the magic bookshelf is keeping a lot under his hat.  He’s pretty proud of this one and hopes you will be too.

Your loyal blog host has been working his behind off for the past few months, getting “The Summer of Bookshelf” serial extravaganza together.

Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life begins on May 15.  The “Named to Be Announced Later” Project X starts June 1. Throughout the summer, these two serials will run up against one another.  You’ll have BQB and the Meaning of Life for a week or so, then Project X for a while, then they’ll switch back in forth that way until the end of the summer.

For your reading pleasure, these stories have been serialized into daily chunks, easily consumed without taking too much time from your busy schedules.

So take BQB’s hand 3.5 readers and get ready for what will prove to be an awesome summer to say the least.

Copyright Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.  All Rights Reserved.

Detective and blonde woman photos courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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May 06 2015
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BQB and the Meaning of Life

The Last Will and Testament of BQB’s Uncle, the Late Hardass J. Scrambler

I, Hardassimo (Hardass for short) J. Scrambler, being of sound enough mind and old as shit body, do hereby state the following:

  • BQB's Late Uncle Hardass J. Scrambler

    BQB’s Late Uncle Hardass J. Scrambler

    That my nephew, Bookshelf Q. Battler, is a colossal disappointment.  Typing on a “blog” for 3.5 readers.  Doesn’t anybody work anymore?  All my life, I slaved away in the salt mines for ten cents a day and I was glad to have it.  You didn’t see me trying to be a writer.  You young people, I tell ya’.  “Ooo I wanna be a writer!  Ooo I wanna be a rock star!  Ooo I wanna be an astronaut!’  Shut up and get a job in the salt mines already, ya buncha no good unwashed hippy bums.  Is a job at the salt mines a fun time?  Hell no, but it pays the bills so stop acting like you’re all too good for it.

  • That as of the writing of this will, my Doctor informs me that my declining health is the direct result of eating five bacon sandwiches a day.  Bullshit, I say.  Everyone knows that bacon sandwiches are chock full of necessary vitamins and minerals.
  • That if I die, it will actually be the result of the intense disappointment I feel over my nephew Bookshelf Q’ Battler’s ridiculous insistence on “writing.”  Newsflash, turds.  Only like a handful of people every generation get to be famous writers.  The rest of you?  SALT MINES!
  • That after I croak, my wife Gertrude aka Aunt Gertie, who encourages my bumbling nephew in his stupidity by being one of his 3.5 readers, should burn our house down rather than give it to Bookshelf Q. Battler when she decides to head off for the old folks’ home.
  • In the event Gertie goes against my wishes and hands over our house to my idiot nephew, which he’ll probably run around pretending it’s a secret compound or something, I reserve the right to wander the halls and haunt the shit out of that place.
  • My nephew should never forget that he did not live up to my expectations and I blame Gertie.  She was always coddling the boy.  Why, I remember one day I came home from an 18-hour shift at the salt mines and found that little twerp having a party with a bunch of his stupid friends.  I said, “Hey, ya’ moron!  Why don’t you do something productive for once and get a job in the salt mines?”  And you know what Gertie said?  “Hardass, BQB’s only three years old.  Let him enjoy his little birthday party.”  And I said, “That’s no excuse!  I was working in the salt mines the day after I was born!”
  • Finally, in the event that my lousy excuse for a nephew decides to write a serialized story called “Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life” (due out May 15) nobody should read it.  You’re just encouraging his buffoonery.  You want to know the meaning of life?  You’re born.  You work at the salt mines.  You kick the bucket it.  That’s it.  That’s all you do.

Signed:  Uncle Hardassimo (Hardass) J. Scrambler

Don’t listen to Uncle Hardass.  He’s probably just cranky because he makes a cameo in BQB’s upcoming blog serial.  You should totally read it unless you’re too busy working at the salt mines.

Grumpy old man photo courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Apr 29 2015
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Game of Yetis

Game of Yetis – Part 7 – House Yeti

PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF YETIS – Lord Alien of House Jones crosses the Narrow Sea after the Khaleesi tweets him a question about how to train dragons.

(By the way, did you know Alien Jones loves to promote Indie Self Publishers?  Read all about it in his latest “Ask the Alien” column.)

AND NOW GAME OF YETIS CONTINUES…

Lord Yeti and his banner yetis crossed the icy tundra to meet the white walkers on the field of battle.  Prior to engaging in sword play, the leaders of both parties decided to hold the following parlay:

LORD YETI:  Roar?

WHITE WALKER:  Errrghhh!

LORD YETI: Roar roar!

WHITE WALKER:  Ergh. Errgh?

LORD YETI: Roar! Roar. Roar.

WHITE WALKER:  Ergh.  Ergh?

LORD YETI:  Roar?

Sorry, here’s the English translation:

LORD YETI:  Why do you white walkers approach Yetifell as though you are prepared for war?

WHITE WALKER:  We wish to breach The Wall and march to Shelftopia so that we may steal all of Lord BQB’s Dew of the Mountain!

LORD YETI:  We’ve already stolen it!  It’s in my castle as we speak!

WHITE WALKER:  Oh.  Can we have some?

LORD YETI:  Of course.  Any enemy of Lord BQB is a friend of mine.  However, Lord BQB no doubt marches for Yetifell, so you must help us protect my castle from his attack.

WHITE WALKER:  Agreed.  Can we watch Scandal while we wait?

LORD YETI:  Why wouldn’t we?

I know. It's a bear. It was the only large dumb furry animal the HBO GOT sigil creator had. The Yeti has complained vigorously.

I know. It’s a bear. It was the only large dumb furry animal the HBO GOT sigil creator had. The Yeti has complained vigorously.

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Apr 27 2015
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Dr. Hugo Von Science

A Special Message from Dr. Hugo Von Science

SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTARY BY DR. HUGO VONSCIENCE, HEAD SCIENTIST AT THE ADVANCED SCIENCE INSTITUTE OF SCIENCE UNIVERSITY

Dr. Hugo Von Science

Dr. Hugo Von Science

Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!

It is I, Dr. Hugo Von Science!  Perhaps you recognize me from my many wunderbar inventions:

  • Teflon Pants – for those exceptionally messy jobs
  • Teflon Underpants – see above
  • The Colon Roomba – patrols your intestines, sucking up excess food.  As soon as I gain FDA approval, you’ll never see another overweight person ever again!
  • EMPC Grenades – Similar to the Electronic Magnetic Pulse Grenades that knock out the enemies’ electronics, these do the same thing but they also deafen the Army’s opponents with a vigorous blasting of Cher’s greatest hits.
  • The Two Jump Pogo Stick – Literally get anywhere in the world within two jumps.  We’ve lost many test chimps but we’re confident we’ll figure it out by 2018.
  • The Incredible Exploding Chinchilla – You laugh, but when we drop a thousand of these bad boys out of a plane with tiny parachutes, the enemy won’t know what hit them.

And last but certainly not least:

  • The X57 Planetary Smashing Death Ray – to be placed on the moon in order to hold the Earth for ransom and…woopsie!  I’ve said to much.

Anyhow, I’d like to say a few words about my former student, Mr. Bookshelf Q. Battler, who took every class I taught at the Advanced Science Institute.

In fact, BQB’s assistance was instrumental in securing a patent for the Incredible Exploding Chinchilla.  We were able to secure all legal rights to the invention, thus stopping those lesser bastards at Science Tech from their foolish plan to develop exploding ferrets.

Exploding ferrets.  Like that would ever work.

BQB is a wise man, an intelligent man, and a generous man.  In fact, he spotted me a portrait of Andrew Jackson just to say all this.  That’s just the kind of guy he is.

But what you really need to know is that his epic story, Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life is coming to your computer screens on May 15.  It’s going to be a blog serial, meaning every day throughout the summer, he’ll post a bite size chunk of his adventure tale right here on bookshelfbattle.com

The best part?  He’s doing it for free!  (Which makes sense because between you and me I suggested to him that he should spot you all a portrait of Andrew Jackson if he wants anyone to read it).

Whatever you do, be sure to read the part where I, the illustrious Dr. Hugo Von Science make a brief cameo in this stinkenheimer of a story.

By the way, I also hear mumblings that BQB has yet another series dropping on this blog on June 1.  I have no involvement in that one because he’s thus far only been referring to it as “Project X.”

MARK YOUR CALENDARS

BQB AND THE MEANING OF LIFE – May 15

PROJECT X – June 1

It may or may not involve exploding chinchillas.  You know what?  Just assume there won’t be any exploding chinchillas in Project X and then you will be pleasantly surprised if there are some.  (Or surprised if there aren’t any, if you’re one of those namby pambies who can’t appreciate a good exploding chinchilla.

Finally, I just want to point out that BQB’s strongest subject has never been math.  He claims as some kind of a joke that he only has 3.5 readers but he just told me his blog has around 900 followers.

Such a poor math student.  That reminds me – due to poor calculations, BQB’s first one hundred chinchilla test subjects did not even explode.  It was only when I pointed out to him that he forgot to carry the one was he able to explode chinchillas at a fast and furious pace.

Either way, if you haven’t followed the Bookshelf Battle Blog, now’s the time to do so because you’ll be able to take in free serialized stories on this blog all summer long.

And who knows?  I might return to talk more about scientific happenings of a scientific nature.

Danke schön,

Dr. Hugo Von Science

Head Scientist

Advanced Science Institute of Science University

Mad scientist photo courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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